Xanax withdrawal, 6 years high doses

Hi All,

 

I have been posting in introductions but Pamster suggested I start a new thread here.

 

I have used Xanax and Valium for approximately 6 years to combat my anxiety. I took it as prescribed to begin with until my antidepressants took effect and when they did I detoxed and and went through that quite well. My doses was approximately 5-10 mg of Valium daily. Life stressors and alcohol saw a return of my depression and anxiety and I sort Benzos illegally to control my symptoms. I quickly became dependent and my dose spiraled out of control as my tolerance went up. I could take anywhere from 8-30mg of Xanax a day and often mixing it with alcohol.

 

2019 was incredibly tough as I had a few physical injuries that required hospital stays on top of losing my job and relationship breakup. I drank and took Xanax all year and it has been quite a blur. My mental health deteriorated and I took some steps to improve it.

*I saw a psychiatrist

*Went back to my old antidepressants that worked in the past

*tapered my Xanax use to approximately 1.5 mg a day over a few months

*tapered and withdrew from pain killers as I had been using them all 2019 from several operations

*quit smoking

 

On the 6th of January I stopped the use of all benzos. first few days I was ok but symptoms have slowly got worse. physically i am doing a lot better than most. My physical symptoms are.

*stomach problems , in the toilet every hour

*constant nausea

*headache, feels like there is a lot of pressure in there. My eyes also hurt

*Sleep is bad although I do get some. Negative vivid dreams are constant

 

my mental symptoms are quite severe. I have always had anxiety and depression but 2019 took it to another level. The taper made depression and anxiety unbearable. Im now 7 days into withdrawal and my anxiety and depression are worse, I struggle to leave the house , avoid all contact with others. I haven't showed in 2 days. I am sitting on the couch completely lost, I dont feel myself. i could kill someone for a cigarette right now hahaha.

 

This forum has been a help as I dont have anyone I could share this with and dont think they would understand. I wish I had found BB before I detoxed I could have maybe prepared better but im in it now so no turning back.

 

 

 

How are you breakthrough, I'm worried about you!

 

I've seen members say that smoking seems to slow their recovery but if it's a matter of survival right now, I'm wondering if it would help more than hurt to have a cigarette.  i can't believe I just said that, but I know the pain you're in.

 

Please keep reading about your symptoms, because that's all they are, I know it sounds like I'm minimizing them but that's exactly what you need to do.  They aren't you, the thoughts you're having aren't real.  Yes, you're in an excruciating amount of physical and mental pain, but they are simply the result of your brain trying to repair the damage done by the drug.

 

Please let us know how you're doing.

 

 

Welcome breakthrough.  You are probably going through more of an acute phase now.  And like you, I was ok the first 2-3 days off and then it hit me pretty hard. 

 

What antidepressants are you on?  I learned that one of the two I was on when getting off Klonopin was actually bad for my anxiety/panic/sleep once I got off Klonopin.

Hi All

 

Im on Cybalta and Avanza

 

As for the smoking ill just stay off them.If I did smoke im sure I would just be chain smoking

 

My mind is racing and I feel like im going insane. I cant control my thoughts, I dont feel like myself.

 

I have to leave the house today and go interstate so it will be a good test to see how I function in the real world. I have been alone at home for a while

Good thinking on the smoking, I have a problem with stuff like that, it seems to be anything worth doing is worth overdoing, 

 

I'm glad you checked in, I have more reading for you.  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=156111.0

 

Don't let the fear control you today, its just another symptom. It might help you to fake it, to pretend you're okay when you're around other people.  They won't be able to understand it even if you try to explain it, it sounds too crazy.

 

Hi Pamster,

 

it's like you read my mind . I am walking around faking it. I think my friend cannot tell. I feel like I'm someone else.

 

I keep thinking I'm just oozing anxiety and discomfort but when I look in the mirror I some how look normal. amazing as in my mind it looks like a train wreck l.

 

feels surreal

I read your mind because I've been there, just like everyone else on this forum has or is, all in varying degrees, but we all know.

 

How did you do today, were you able to drive?  I developed quite a bit of fear about driving, but I kept forcing myself go keep going.  Keep getting out of the house if you can, many of our members become agoraphobic, I experienced a little of it myself, but you need to fight it or it can consume you.

 

I saw the same thing in the mirror, the torment wasn't visible, it's unbelievable that we and others can't see the carnage inside.

Hi Pamster,

 

thanks for replying, I didn't drive I actually flew interstate to look at car for a mate. I can only hope I'm behaving ok because I feel far from normal.

 

I think it is important to force myself out as staying home alone was not healthy and may slow my progress

With the doses you have been on and the duration of it I just want to say Im mighty impressed with how you are coping with it. You're doing an awesome job and you should be proud of yourself. Keep up the good work mate, things will only be better for you!

Hi,

 

Thanks for the support Virre. I woke up completely lost today just stayed in bed for hours with anxiety and confusion. I cant believe I spent a whole day out yesterday. it was really testing to try and pretend everything is ok. I dont think I can do it today ,I just want to curl up alone

Faking it takes a lot of mental energy, I was telling another member how concerned I was about what my facial muscles were doing when speaking to people.  I mean, what is going on when you have to worry if you're holding your lips just right, worried that someone would be able to see the torment going on inside of you? 

 

This process is horrific, and it's okay if you can't make it out today, yesterday was exhausting.

And that's okay but tomorrow you will get up and do what you can.  It's what we have to do.  We have good and bad days.  I too am ditching the cigs, chain smoking is awful.  And compared to the sx I m having from the benzos the cigs is nothing!  Just my opinion!  But you stay with it and you will get through it.  Just remember they are symptoms.  Do whatever you have to do to stay distracted.  Today I pulled weeds in the sun,  colored, painted, texted with with friends, watching TV, don't just shut everything out if you can handle it do it!

 

B

Hi,

 

that's exactly how I felt yesterday.  had a terrible fear I was acting odd or sitting incorrectly.  I had to constantly check myself and kept thinking everyone cam tell there's something wrong.

 

I've never felt anything like this it's like I'm not me anymore. wish it had a finish date like other withdrawals .

 

as for smoking I was on a packet a day . no withdrawals from it. I'm getting cravings for them now because I'm so uncomfortable I will cling to anything that might over a second of relief

 

thanks for the support guys

So tell me what this means? 

 

Hi Pamster,

 

thanks for replying, I didn't drive I actually flew interstate to look at car for a mate. I can only hope I'm behaving ok because I feel far from normal.

 

I think it is important to force myself out as staying home alone was not healthy and may slow my progress

Hi Pamster,

 

are you referring to the I flew part. yesterday I caught a plane with a friend to help him look at a car he wanted to purchase. it was hell but somehow I got through it.

 

is that the part you wanted to know about I'm a bit confused

Yep that was it, what confused me was the interstate part, where I come from, that's a highway.  How were your ears, do you have increased sensitivity to noise yet?

Hi,

 

oh sorry that means travel to another state here. no sensitivity to noise .

 

I must say physically I'm am doing better than most. I did some exercise today . mentally I'm a mess . I remember yesterday being completely uncomfortable where ever I was.  kept thinking I was acting strange or moving and talking oddly . it made me really paranoid. I had few drinks during the day which is always the case with this friend but it did not ease my symptoms at all. im surprised I got through the whole day actually

Uh oh, when you say a few drinks, do you mean alcohol?  If so, you might want to use the search engine to find out what others have to say about it.

 

 

 

Hi Pamster,

 

I guess I knew I had to avoid it. I can see I could potentially start another problem or slow down recovery.  it was hard to say no and I thought it may ease my anxiety a little,it did not help at all. today I will not drink.

How ya doing breakthrough, did you get out of the house today? 

 

Yeah alcohol, it's not a good idea.  Detox facilities use benzo's to keep patients from seizing because they work on the same part of the brain, they step you off of the booze with a benzo.  You can tell your friends you're doing a cleanse or something, really freak them out. 

 

Hi Pamster,

 

I said no to drinking yesterday and by the afternoon I improved quite a bit.  not sure if it had anything to do with not drinking. today I am also much better and the craziness has settled . I even got a job interview with am architectural firm and even though I was anxious today I'm optimistic about it.

 

strange . couple days ago I was on couch barely take shower.

 

oh forgot,since no alcohol no sleep haha . not a nice night tossing and turning in bed. still got up and went to gym. hope it's a sign of things to come

Good to hear from you, I'm glad your symptoms have improved.  It's hard to know what to pin this on, our symptoms wax and wane of their own volition, this is what leads so many of us to assume it's because of something we've done, not done, eaten, not eaten, drank or not drank, although I do believe strongly that avoiding alcohol is one of the things we can attribute to you feeling better.

 

Yeah, learning how to sleep without benzo's, Z drugs and booze is tough, I've used all three during my life chasing sleep but I finally figured out that they keep me from it more than they help me get it.  The natural stuff is much better, although I do love my homemade cannabis gummy's, they're natural, right? 

 

Good luck on the job interview, remember to fake it, you look perfectly fine on the outside so no one will know.  I worked all but the first three weeks of my cold turkey, and you can too.

 

One more thing, don't be discouraged if you begin to feel rotten again, it's part of the process, your brain will get it right one of these days.

 

 

Hi Pamster,

 

thanks for replying . I heard it can be up and down so hoping I don't go back to where I was a few days ago.

 

slept a little but kept waking In pools of sweat. I'm sure it will come around on its own. gummys lol. you made me laugh.

 

bit of anxiety today but I had worse anxiety during taper. waiting for the next dose was hell. now there is no next anything .

 

as for the job I'm trying  not to invest to much into it right now. I'm going to use the interview as a stepping stone . I can't remember the last time I did something without the help of benzos, so it's all new .

Ah, the crutch, I'm very familiar this.  Ya know, we don't give ourselves enough credit, we automatically assume we need something to help us with whatever, when really we have all of the tools we need without it.  I think in my case I was and to some extent still am lazy.  Is it easier to reach for something than to reach within?  Food for thought.

 

I like your take on the job interview, realistic expectations are important, especially now.  And isn't it great not to have to worry about your next dose, will it help, will it hurt, will it come soon enough?  No worries now, you're done.

Hi Pamster,

 

Good point . I was thinking that myself , I now need to cope with life and build skills sober. No more short cuts.

 

Interview went ok. im surprised it took so long which may be a good thing. There where a couple of times he asked me something I knew well and the answers just would not come, like my brain just paused. Im happy I went through with it. I have come a long way in a few days.

 

Thanks again for the support, it goes a long way when you are rock bottom