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Quit Alcohol and Use of Benzos "As Needed" - 5.5 Months Out but Not Improving


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Hi Everyone,

 

This is my first post, though I've spent my fair share of time reading through the trials and tribulations of many members on this site.  Hopefully in the future I can add my voice as as someone who's overcome benzo use and withdrawal, but at this time I'm still on the path of recovery.  I appreciate if anyone can get through the whole post, it's a bit lengthy as I don't want to leave out anything that may be important.

 

My benzo history is in my signature, but in a nutshell, I started taking Lorazepam in 1998 after my first Earth rocking panic attack that sent me to the hospital with fears I was having a heart attack.  After just 1mg, ALL my panic/anxiety/stress disappeared and I thought, "OMG, this is finally me again!"  It was probably the WORST best feeling of my life - I had found the cure to all my anxiety problems but unwittingly set myself on the path of benzo use.  I took 1mg of Lorazepam 3x a day for about 6 months, which I gradually reduced to 2x and then 1x before quitting altogether.  I had no difficulty coming off benzos at that time way back in 1998.

 

Over the course of the next 20+ years, I was prescribed various SSRIs which I took on and off, and I also kept that script for Lorazepam filled 'just in case'.  I don't recall using it much until about 4 years ago when my work situation became incredibly difficult and stressful and I worried about losing my job.  Thankfully I was able to find a new employer in 2017, but I ended up with a boss who is incredibly difficult to deal with which has caused me significant stress.  I found myself using that 1mg of Lorazepam maybe once a week, or sometimes twice a week.

 

Things improved as I learned to navigate my new boss, and I rolled off my 10mg of Lexapro in Oct 2018 after a 4 month taper.  It was tough going for a few months afterward, but I got through it, though I still continued to use the benzo 'as needed'.  To continue trying to improve my health, I decided to quit alcohol in April on Easter of 2019.  I was a regular drinker I guess, a few beers after work Thursdays and Fridays and then more on the weekends.  I didn't detox or anything, I just stopped and haven't looked back.

 

Quitting alcohol was difficult because I used it in part to calm my anxiety and had been a lifelong drinker, so I started using the benzo a little more frequently to compensate; maybe 3 times a week of either 0.5 of Lorazepam or 0.25 of Alrazepam.  On a couple of the worst days I would have taken 2mg of Lorazepam.

 

I became concerned that I was relying on the benzo too much and decided to stop taking it in mid July.  Since I wasn't a daily prescribed user and was taking it 'as needed' (which is per my doctor's instructions), I just stopped using it without consideration for any tapering.

 

As of today, I'm about 8.5 months alcohol free (AF) and 5.5 months benzo free (BF).  I wish I could say I've enjoyed the benefits of being free of alcohol and benzos, but I have actually been feeling worse and worse over time and not better.

 

My most bothersome symptoms:

-  Tinnitus started within about a month of my last benzo dose and hasn't let up

-  Mornings are brutal, I wake up tired but anxious at the same time and find it very difficult to drag myself out of bed

-  Very low energy throughout the day

-  Little motivation at work; it is very difficult to focus and stay on task and I'm not very 'engaged' or interested

-  A lot of existential thoughts about the purpose and meaning of life

-  Listening to my voice when I speak and focusing a lot on what I say, and it is very unnerving

-  Persistent anxiety and the feeling of wanting to jump out of my skin at times

-  Low mood and lack of interest in doing anything productive

-  Suicidal ideation, though I am NOT suicidal and have no intention of ever going that route

-  Frequent negative and intrusive thoughts and ruminating on negative thoughts

 

Questions I have:

-  Did I inadvertently 'cold turkey' by stopping 'as needed' benzo use without a plan?

-  Did my quitting alcohol and benzos around the same time compound into one more larger and difficult withdrawal?

-  I thought maybe I was just dealing with alcohol Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS), but tinnitus is such a hallmark of benzo withdrawal, along with some of my other symptoms, that I can't help but believe the benzo is a factor here too

-  I can count on one hand the moments I've had what I would call a 'window', but they are incredibly fleeting and have lasted just a few hours and never in consecutive days.  Shouldn't I have more windows by now?

-  I am trying to recover and work at the same time because I need my income, but my job and boss are very stress inducing; can I still recover despite this?

 

If anyone can relate and chime in with guidance or feedback I would greatly appreciate it.  :thumbsup:

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Hi recoveryroad,

 

I don’t see anything extraordinary in your story that should make you concerned about the future. I’ve answered your questions as I see it

 

-  Did I inadvertently 'cold turkey' by stopping 'as needed' benzo use without a plan?

Yes, you did. It’s too late now to worry about it but the good news is that you are not putting any more poison into your system so you are on that recovery road

-  Did my quitting alcohol and benzos around the same time compound into one more larger and difficult withdrawal?

Probably. Makes sense logically that it would doesn’t it? Oh well, move on. No going back now.

-  I thought maybe I was just dealing with alcohol Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS), but tinnitus is such a hallmark of benzo withdrawal, along with some of my other symptoms, that I can't help but believe the benzo is a factor here too

My tinnitus is a symptom of withdrawal. Comes and goes. I wouldn’t bother with trying to label it. The fact is that you are off the poison and you’ll battle through some rubbish and come out the other end

-  I can count on one hand the moments I've had what I would call a 'window', but they are incredibly fleeting and have lasted just a few hours and never in consecutive days.  Shouldn't I have more windows by now?

No, not necessarily. Some people never have windows yet their symptoms diminish over time. I was never ill all day, every day, but I never had a clear day either. Only in the last month have I had consecutive clear days

-  I am trying to recover and work at the same time because I need my income, but my job and boss are very stress inducing; can I still recover despite this?

Of course you can, but stress is one of the biggest drivers of symptoms so get looking at how you can deal with your stress using all the techniques available

 

Can I suggest that you read the Sofakingdone thread at the top of the recovery page? Also I would point you to benzofree.org for a fantastic podcast and I recommend 100% that you buy the book

 

Good luck, you can do it.

 

G

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Questions I have:

-  Did I inadvertently 'cold turkey' by stopping 'as needed' benzo use without a plan?

 

Yes, you kinda did, but it is not bad. People who go cold turkey on benzo usually experience really hard withdrawal symptoms. Considering the symptoms you are describing you are doing really well.

 

 

-  Did my quitting alcohol and benzos around the same time compound into one more larger and difficult withdrawal?

Most likely. With that said, when alcoholics go through withdrawals, they usually get benzo to make it easier. The way you did it was somewhat the way the pros would have done it. Of course with a bit more systematic approach  :laugh:

 

-  I thought maybe I was just dealing with alcohol Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS), but tinnitus is such a hallmark of benzo withdrawal, along with some of my other symptoms, that I can't help but believe the benzo is a factor here too

 

The benzo is most likely the biggest factor. They are much harder "drug" than alcohol when it comes to the amount you have been drinking. The withdrawals for a hardcore alcoholic can be extreme.

 

-  I can count on one hand the moments I've had what I would call a 'window', but they are incredibly fleeting and have lasted just a few hours and never in consecutive days.  Shouldn't I have more windows by now?

 

I have never experienced windows, just regular symptoms fading slowly away, so I don't know.

 

-  I am trying to recover and work at the same time because I need my income, but my job and boss are very stress inducing; can I still recover despite this?

 

Yes, you can. You just need to realize this will take a lot of time. So you might want to look for work somewhere else since it most likely won't be over within a year or two. That is what it looks like from the people on this messageboard, but remember, we are the extreme examples. People who has recovered don't visit this board. They are done with it, so you will only meet the worst of the worst :)

 

Another tip I got from my psychiatrist who is a specialist in benzo withdrawal and have written a book on the subject, it is only symptoms of withdrawal. The fear you feel, the dizziness, the tinnitus is only symptoms and nothing to be scared of. He even said that if I pass out, make sure to land softly. I think that is a healthy approach. Don't be scared of your symptoms and let them rule you!

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Agreed.  I am stumped, as you are, with this whole process.  I quit drinking alcohol around the same time I stopped benzos and I'm still experiencing the same symptoms you described.  It sucks, it's life!  I guess we have no choice but to carry on, right?  Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, more like "I wish I were dead", which is technically not suicidal, but kinda, but I have those feelings off and on, in the waves every day, in the windows not usually.  And why all the strange intrusive and repetitive thinking crap?  What a strange phenomenon, but that's what the benzos and alcohol combination does to some of us when we quit them.  I drank heavily for about 12 years straight (pretty much without a break), 350 out of 365 days a year.  The only days I didn't drink were when I was doing a super cleanse or something, which was a couple weeks a year.  I didn't have a problem not drinking during those.  The fact you stopped benzos in the 90's the way you did, with no symptoms.  I think that's really cool, but now, it's different.  Very strange, huh??
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Wow, I'm going to start with a heartfelt 'thanks' to everyone who posted replies in such a short time!  I'm not even kidding when I say I actually feel better in this moment than I have in  quite a while.  You've all given me some newfound hope and plenty of reason to be optimistic.

 

[glow=#FF99FF,2,300]@GmH[/glow]:  I'm happy to hear that my story isn't extraordinary (sometimes it's good to be average!).  I appreciate you reinforcing what my gut was telling me.  I will embrace your message to not dwell on the symptoms or how I got here and will continue to work on moving forward.  It was a light bulb moment when you noted that symptoms can diminish over time even without windows, I actually hadn't considered that but duh it makes sense.

 

[glow=#FF99FF,2,300]@Pamster[/glow]:  Thanks for reinforcing GmH's message, and for the 'Four Phases'.  I guess I'm still at Phase 1, but that's ok, it is still pretty early on so I'm ok with that.  Looking forward to Phases 2 - 4.

 

[glow=#FF99FF,2,300]@candys[/glow]:  Again, that message of symptoms slowly fading was so important for me to hear.  Now I won't have to dwell on whether or not I get windows as a sign of improvement.  I also appreciate your point that symptoms are only symptoms and nothing to be fearful of.  I will focus on changing my perspective and reminding myself that symptoms = healing in progress.

 

[glow=#FF99FF,2,300]@MickyG[/glow]:  No doubt my friend, no doubt, I guess we didn't realize what we were getting into!  In hindsight, I'm glad to have quit both in close succession so I will only need to do recovery once, and I also know that there are no other external substances hindering my recovery or impacting me.  I did some more research and there is very similar GABA action between alcohol and benzos.  Removing both has doubly 'pulled the rug out' from under us and left our brains with higher levels of gluatamate that causes intrusive thoughts, despair, etc, among the other 'wonderful' symptoms.  We need to do our best to just see those thoughts as only 'thoughts' and not 'beliefs' or anything we need to act on or react to.  I read a good recommendation to just acknowledge the thought, (Oh hey intrusive though, thanks but I don't need you right now), and then move on to thinking on something else.  Apparently acknowledging the thought satisfies your mind that you have given it attention and makes it easier to let go.

 

Thanks again Buddies, and I'm open to hearing more and learning though this journey.

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I'm glad you're reassured, I didn't have many windows and the improvements were so slow and subtle I didn't realize they were leaving or gone until one day I'd think, hey, I haven't felt that in awhile.  Of course, you continually doubt they'll stay gone because the symptoms wax and wane so much, you're left distrusting even the good things happening. 

 

I don't know if you've read this post by a member, but it talks about the fear we feel.

 

What is happening in your brain

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What a thoughtful post and kind replies. You Buddies are the BEST!!

 

recoveryroad- First let me say CONGRATULATIONS on starting down your road to recovery! You've taken some mighty steps and you sound as though you are processing things in a really healthy way. Kudos Buddy! I too gave up drinking this summer and haven't looked back (ok, maybe I glanced back once or twice but got myself straight right quick). Once I was free from the alcohol, I was able to look at my life more productively and wanted to keep heading down that recovery path- working on benzos now and then will tackle the 2 other psych meds. I am SO ready to be drug and alcohol free. FOR GOOD! I, too, have wondered why I'm not feeling better because I was drinking a good amount daily. But I was still on a benzo so have some more work to do. Honestly, there have been improvements but my historical behavior has been to focus on the negative and not see the good that was present. I am flipping that around as often as possible by getting back to my yoga practice and doing weekend hiking. Being on my mat or in the woods is my best medicine. Keep up the great work and don't be a stranger. You have some wisdom to share with others like myself here!

 

Thanks to the other Buds who have replied. I am heading to check out the several links you all have provided. You are wonderful to direct us "newbies" straight to the resources. That is so very helpful and appreciated!

 

MickyG- CONGRATS to you too!!

 

Have a great night all!

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[1f...]

RR

 

So glad to see you got such a great response.  You got this, yes it's rough but we will heal and no nobody can give us a time line.  You hang in there.  Do everything you can every day. 

 

B

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resonated with your story. have never been a daily user. always as needed.. got tinnitus 1 month after as well. i had to quit work but looking back, i wish i pushed through. i dont know what to tell you about work
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rr,

 

The advice I’ve read many times and agree with is DO NOT MAKE ANY LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS whilst you are in recovery. That would definitely apply to your job. New jobs, superficially easier, do not necessarily lead to increased satisfaction.

 

For all of those that are part of this thread, you should come back to it often because it shows the best of BB

 

Onwards

 

G

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Thanks everyone for the reassuring words and for making this such an uplifting thread, I am blown away by the outreach and support from all the compatriots in arms.

 

Picking up where I left off as I like to acknowledge the folks who have taken the time to respond and help a somewhat imperfect stranger  ;)

 

[glow=#FF5733,2,300]@Pamster[/glow]:  About distrusting, I find myself frequently 'looking over my shoulder' when symptoms do subside a bit, it feels like it is almost too good to be true.  Maybe that is a hindrance to recovery, but it is hard to be trustworthy because it is easier to 'expect the worst' so that you are prepared and not disappointed when symptoms flare.  To your point though, I used to have a lot more cog fog and now I realize I haven't had that in a while so symptoms DO just go away in time.  I did read the post "What is happening in your Brain" which I really enjoyed, I love the sciency stuff behind what is going on.  Being analytical, I like to know the cause and effect of how things work.

 

[glow=#FF5733,2,300]@Dont4get2breathe[/glow]:  I love your handle by the way, I'll remember to continue breathing.  What you wrote could have easily been something I had written myself.  I had one slip-up after quitting the booze, but it was only a couple beers after like week 2, so I just restarted the clock and pressed on.  One point I like to remember which my therapist said was that we don't have to be perfect.  Shoot for 80% and give yourself the grace to be ok with that.  I also find myself tending to dwell on the negative, but I also understand that our brains have a negative bias to protect us and sometimes that just goes into overdrive.  I feel that once our brain starts to re-balance these instances of persistent negative bias will occur less and less.  Congrats on kicking the booze, that will certainly make the remaining psych drug recovery easier.  I also love hiking and yoga and just thinking of that is getting me energized to get back into it.

 

[glow=#FF5733,2,300]@Bnotafraid[/glow]:  I agree, and I appreciate your continued cheering for our recovery.  Onward to full health!

 

[glow=#FF5733,2,300]@50shadesofdre[/glow]:  I appreciate your perspective, it is reassuring to know others are having similar experiences and that this isn't all just in our heads.  Sorry to hear you had to quit work, believe me it crossed my mind many times.  I do have the one benefit of working from home so in the worst cases I can get a small reprieve.

 

[glow=#FF5733,2,300]@Give me hope[/glow]:  That is sage advice and I've heard the same though I had forgotten - DO NOT MAKE ANY LIFE CHANGING DECISIONS while in recovery.  As they say, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't so maybe this isn't the best time for a change.  I consider myself fortunate to have hit the jackpot on my first post with so many helpful and supportive replies.  I'm looking forward to continued interaction with my new BB crew.

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Yesss Recovery!! Dust off those hiking boots and yoga mat. We'll be breathing in the healing together! You are in my favorite area for hiking. So jealous! It is pretty darn flat down here in South Jersey. Thank you for starting this awesome thread and for your thoughtful replies to everyone. Cheering you on!

 

Totally agree Give Me Hope. There is some great stuff happening here.

 

Peace, healing and hugs to all!

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Yesss Recovery!! Dust off those hiking boots and yoga mat. We'll be breathing in the healing together! You are in my favorite area for hiking. So jealous! It is pretty darn flat down here in South Jersey. Thank you for starting this awesome thread and for your thoughtful replies to everyone. Cheering you on!

 

Totally agree Give Me Hope. There is some great stuff happening here.

 

Peace, healing and hugs to all!

 

Ahhh NJ, I know it pretty well D4G2B.  My best buddy lives on the Jersey Shore (Mantoloking).  I also work in Parsippany from time to time.  Have you ever hiked in PA?

 

I used to get out and hike almost every weekend either here in CT, or MA, or NH before my hiking buddy moved to California.  Monadnock in NH is fantastic, especially for winter hiking https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Monadnock

 

I know some great places in CT if you ever make the trip up!

 

Thanks for lifting my spirits and getting my mind on something positive!

 

Cheers,

          RR

 

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RR- I am totally digging my new sig D4G2B!!!

 

Yes, I am originally from PA and lived in Phila suburbs for many years. Great place to hike is Wissahickon Park. Plenty of trails to get lost in. I hike in northern DE often since I am right near the state line. That is probably the area I hike in the most since it is close and has HILLS! This northern girl at heart needs hills and trees. I have a family member in upstate NY and love to hike the gorges up there. Oh so much to do and see you guys! I am really finding inspiration in the woods! Whatever works, right?

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RR- I am totally digging my new sig D4G2B!!!

 

Glad you like!  Maybe D4 as a nickname?  :laugh:

 

We had record temperatures this weekend and I imagine you probably did as well down your way.  I didn't take time to get out in the woods, BUT I did commit to going back to the gym and started a new membership Saturday.  I was feeling pretty sore Sunday as expected, though I also had some deep depressive thoughts Sunday morning as well.  Maybe I overdid it at the gym, or maybe it is totally unrelated, hard to say.

 

It is nice to feel that soreness of using my body again though, so that's a positive takeaway for me.

 

Cheers,

          RR

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Hi recoveryroad,

 

I don’t see anything extraordinary in your story that should make you concerned about the future. I’ve answered your questions as I see it

 

-  Did I inadvertently 'cold turkey' by stopping 'as needed' benzo use without a plan?

Yes, you did. It’s too late now to worry about it but the good news is that you are not putting any more poison into your system so you are on that recovery road

-  Did my quitting alcohol and benzos around the same time compound into one more larger and difficult withdrawal?

Probably. Makes sense logically that it would doesn’t it? Oh well, move on. No going back now.

-  I thought maybe I was just dealing with alcohol Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS), but tinnitus is such a hallmark of benzo withdrawal, along with some of my other symptoms, that I can't help but believe the benzo is a factor here too

My tinnitus is a symptom of withdrawal. Comes and goes. I wouldn’t bother with trying to label it. The fact is that you are off the poison and you’ll battle through some rubbish and come out the other end

-  I can count on one hand the moments I've had what I would call a 'window', but they are incredibly fleeting and have lasted just a few hours and never in consecutive days.  Shouldn't I have more windows by now?

No, not necessarily. Some people never have windows yet their symptoms diminish over time. I was never ill all day, every day, but I never had a clear day either. Only in the last month have I had consecutive clear days

-  I am trying to recover and work at the same time because I need my income, but my job and boss are very stress inducing; can I still recover despite this?

Of course you can, but stress is one of the biggest drivers of symptoms so get looking at how you can deal with your stress using all the techniques available

 

Can I suggest that you read the Sofakingdone thread at the top of the recovery page? Also I would point you to benzofree.org for a fantastic podcast and I recommend 100% that you buy the book

 

Good luck, you can do it.

 

G

 

G;

great post - wish I'd had that advice when I started because I felt very alone most of the time here. Too much stuff about taking it slower and reinstating and tapers that lasted f....o....r....e....v....e....r ... which was not for me. I'm a firm believer in moving forward. If you get ahead of yourself, take a deep breath and keep going as soon as bearable and that doesn't mean no symptoms.

I didn't join BB to stay forever.

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G;

great post - wish I'd had that advice when I started because I felt very alone most of the time here. Too much stuff about taking it slower and reinstating and tapers that lasted f....o....r....e....v....e....r ... which was not for me. I'm a firm believer in moving forward. If you get ahead of yourself, take a deep breath and keep going as soon as bearable and that doesn't mean no symptoms.

I didn't join BB to stay forever.

 

I agree MUBRx, GmH is a wonderful voice of reason and objective guidance, he certainly helped put my mind at ease.  Like you, I hope to be a transient passing through on a way to a better life (though I wouldn't count out hanging around to help others if the opportunity arose).  I also agree that moving forward is the key to victory, and that means pressing on through symptoms as best we can.

 

Another BB friend here reminded me that her and I are still early in the recovery process (almost 6 months for me).  While the idea of six months may leave some dejected, I choose to focus on the fact that this is 'early' which means future improvements are just waiting for me when the time is right.

 

Life rarely gives us perfect circumstances to decide when to have a new baby, when to find a new home, when to change relationships, when to change jobs, how long to wait for symptoms to subside/disappear, etc.  Of course I know for some people this will be harder than for others and I am not minimizing that difficulty; symptoms can be incredibly debilitating and limit our capabilities.  As often as you can though, win those battles so that in the end you can win the war.

 

Cheers,

        RR

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:thumbsup:

 

I hear positivity. Well done both of you. It was one year ago today that I wrote this in my diary:

 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Didn’t feel right overnight but it wasn’t the burning. Can’t describe it now.

Woke up to a horrible creepy feeling in my left jaw (wow, that’s a new one!) and my left lower leg. Not painful or life threatening but highly highly uncomfortable.

Went for an early walk to get rid and a lot of it has gone by 1100 but not all and it is now in my throat.

This is definitely more migrainey but as things change from day to day that makes me think it is tapering. So, as usual, no clear idea.

Had a massive hit at lunchtime with internal trembling from my chest all the way down to my feet.

It lasted all day and through bedtime.

The only relief I had was after I meditated at lunchtime to try to get rid of it. It went for about 30 minutes

Did a 10 minute meditation before bed and that was a real help

——————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

I was four months off at the time. I was in despair. I am now free of absolutely all of these issues. It’s been getting better since April. The key issue I want you to take away is that although I still had symptoms post-April, I was able to cope with them mentally because I knew I was getting better.

 

All I have now is tinnitus, which went away but has just returned and I get a wonky head maybe once a week and I just let it happen and it goes away in a few hours.

 

Just be strong and wait it out.

 

Be well

 

G

 

 

 

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:thumbsup:

 

I hear positivity. Well done both of you. It was one year ago today that I wrote this in my diary:

 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Didn’t feel right overnight but it wasn’t the burning. Can’t describe it now.

Woke up to a horrible creepy feeling in my left jaw (wow, that’s a new one!) and my left lower leg. Not painful or life threatening but highly highly uncomfortable.

Went for an early walk to get rid and a lot of it has gone by 1100 but not all and it is now in my throat.

This is definitely more migrainey but as things change from day to day that makes me think it is tapering. So, as usual, no clear idea.

Had a massive hit at lunchtime with internal trembling from my chest all the way down to my feet.

It lasted all day and through bedtime.

The only relief I had was after I meditated at lunchtime to try to get rid of it. It went for about 30 minutes

Did a 10 minute meditation before bed and that was a real help

——————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

I was four months off at the time. I was in despair. I am now free of absolutely all of these issues. It’s been getting better since April. The key issue I want you to take away is that although I still had symptoms post-April, I was able to cope with them mentally because I knew I was getting better.

 

All I have now is tinnitus, which went away but has just returned and I get a wonky head maybe once a week and I just let it happen and it goes away in a few hours.

 

Just be strong and wait it out.

 

Be well

 

G

 

Hi Give me hope,

 

Sorry to barge in, but I noticed your symptom of lower leg pain, I responded to another member that I've not seen this symptom.  Perhaps you could drop by this thread to compare notes?  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=235571.msg3022175#msg3022175

 

Thanks for any help you can provide.  :smitten:

 

Pamster

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[1f...]

Absolutely, this is what it is there is no getting around it we have to go through it.  It is hard when we are in the process of healing to see it.  But I m healing, I will get better these are sx of withdrawal.  That's it!  Early in this whole process also but I have a life to get back to and my family and friends are waiting for me!  This is not our first battle!  I will get through this and so will all of you!! Do everything you can every day.  Don't stop or give up!  You got this RR just like I do and the rest of you all too.  Let's do this!  One baby step at a time!

 

B

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Hi ide like to ad something here, being a new member I'm still on klonopin so on that matter I cant talk to much. But the co-existence of the two I am familiar with. I can personally tell you I drank in the exact same manner as you did, except probably more, the alcohol even 2.5 years later is still difficult, I can till you the exact moment in a day/night where I would crack one open. That part is still hard, also like you I was burying my stress with alcohol. I've been battling all of this for a long time. One thing to keep in mind. The original reason you were put on this medication was for some anxiety related/depression issue. Which all of your reasons point to the same reasons as I am, I'll save you the body is healing speech and tell you, this could just be a re-enterance of your old life coming back. Which is a good thing. Yourself is coming back to the surface. I'm sure before the benzos you also drank in some of these times you are referencing as withdrawl symptoms I have done years of research on this. The ones who' torture themselves with these withdrawls are the ones who acknowledge them or know of them or know to much. The person who is diagnosed with a "anxiety disorders" symptoms to be exact. I have met a hand full of people who didn't know about benzo addiction ect ect. Being father. Who went to rehab came back 2 weeks later for a cold turkey off booze and benzos and didnt know withdrawl existed he came back from rehab looking for the bottle not the pills. And he is fine after his second round of rehab. My friend went to rehab also not knowing what or why he had to go. Came back fine. 2 co-workers who were tapered by doctors no symptoms he can report after 4 years use. I think we look for promblems and we create them "the anxious mind" if we were unaware we wouldnt be "AS TORTURED". I say it like that because I also did got off once not knowing what was going on. And it wasnt that bad and was reinstated because my anxiety disorder was out of control. The second time I tried. After reading these posts and reading countless DAYS AND DAYS of benzo withdrawal it was easily 10 fold worse the second time. Just as the meteorologist fears of the sky falling 24/7 with his knowledge of global warming. We know slight amounts about it but we dont know enough to worry about it 24/7. But if you looked into it enough it would be all you think of. when your focus is to find and issue you will exaggerate them into major ones. I am in no form discrediting the way you feel. I just want you to see it from a different perspective as I have. Some of this is the way you are as a person and not the medication your old self is coming back and whether you take it as a gift or a curse is a opinion of your own. I want to tell you congratulations as you are becoming human again. Once you understand that most of us have tricked our brains into this being our only focus and that's all we obsess over. I'm OCD so I know all about that. I create my withdrawl. I create the severity of it. I may not make the path but I decide how I walk down it.
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[shadow=green,left]@Itslips[/shadow]:  There is a lot of truth in what you say, and I see it in my own story as well.  I rolled off benzos once before many years ago without a hitch.  Maybe my body was more resilient then, and very likely it was also because I didn't fear what I didn't know.  It was the same when I went to Basic Training for the Army.  I had some nervousness about going, but I didn't have outright fear and I got through it with little difficulty.  However, had I known what was in store before I had gone (researching, reading blogs, asking everyone who had gone before), then I am sure the experience would have been more difficult.  Luckily it was the 1980's and there was no internet, lol.  Sometimes knowledge can work against us.

 

I think it is important to look at the information and stories shared here objectively, understand that there is a healing process that much take place, and then (and this is the hardest part) let time pass until healing can occur.  I think getting back to a mindset of just living day to day and not dwelling on symptoms is the most healthy route.  Yes, I know symptoms can be ever present and hard to get out of our minds, but if we can just get a momentary wedge between ourselves and those feelings then we can get some relief and promote healing.  As time passes, that wedge gets broader and broader until symptoms are no longer a concern.  Note that I say 'no longer a concern', and that doesn't mean they need to be completely gone, only that we are accepting them and not being ruled by them.

 

Cheers,

          RR

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