Why do I do this to myself?

So I've been weaning off valium for a little over a year now. 60mg of valium down to 7.5mg. Before this I took 3 MG of klonopin daily for the past 7 years.

 

Anyway, I've been doing so well for so long weaning off pretty fast actually, then.. I started drinking every once in a while (maybe once a week), I vape at like 10% nicotine, and i'm sure just as bad as vaping, I drink a monster or a couple cups of coffee each day. I know all of this stuff either makes it impossible or a ton more complicated to taper off benzos, but I feel like I always trade one addiction for the next. Anyone having this issue? Sometimes the caffeine doesn't hurt, but other days I notice the anxiety spikes soon after.

MD. I’ve been right there with you. I know what you mean by saying “ why do I do this to myself.  I tapered off Xanax via Valium crossover a number of years ago but I never stopping drinking while doing it and was on an AD as well. Crazy!! I think the AD masked any benzo WD sxs because my benzo taper was essentially painless. I don’t have a good answer to why I kept drinking when I knew I shouldnt. I made up my own excuses and rationalization for doing what I did. I’m tapering off mirtazapine now and I still have a drink once in a while and I’ve never given up coffee. But the etoh is fewer and farther between and I’m better for it. I’m not convinced coffee makes any difference one way or another but I definitely think not having alcohol will help you with your taper.

Pokey

For me it is the coffee.  There are days that I know I can't drink it and other days I think I can get away with it.  Sometimes I do, and sometimes it makes my symptoms very bad. 

 

I do it over and over because this drug - being on it and getting off of it, has robbed me of so much of what people call normal life.  The coffee is my way of trying to have something that resembles my old life.  Now that I am getting down to the the small doses I have to be more careful. 

For me it is the coffee.  There are days that I know I can't drink it and other days I think I can get away with it.  Sometimes I do, and sometimes it makes my symptoms very bad. 

 

I do it over and over because this drug - being on it and getting off of it, has robbed me of so much of what people call normal life.  The coffee is my way of trying to have something that resembles my old life.  Now that I am getting down to the the small doses I have to be more careful.

 

This post is 100% me. Coffee makes my mood so much better in the morning and like I can actually function in the world. It makes my tinnitus a little worse but I cant break every addiction I have.

Thank you everyone who posted. I know it’s been a while, but I’m glad I’m not alone in this.