1 year off - not at all where I’d hoped I’d be, but proud of my strength

Title says it all, I suppose.

 

I’d like to share with you what I posted on Facebook to mark today, before I went to a local dog cafe with a few friends to celebrate this anniversary.  I was thrilled I felt well enough to socialize, but after an hour I didn’t feel well and worried (and now worry) I screwed myself up by going out, which I regret not one damn bit.  We have to celebrate some things.

 

Here’s the post.  Wishing you all healing.

 

***

 

ONE YEAR FREE OF BENZODIAZEPINES

 

If I don’t hold my tongue in a certain position every moment of the day - every moment - then my jaw is seized by involuntary motion, shoving harshly to the right side. I can’t open it fully; maybe 2/3 of the way.

 

My tinnitus is worse than ever.

 

My tremor is too.

 

In the past month my eyes have had involuntary movement.

 

Depersonalization has been intense over the past month; the sound of my own voice is often very disturbing and feels foreign.

 

For months I’ve had disturbing thoughts (this is very common.) I might be drinking water and suddenly I’ll think “you have to finish this water immediately or your sister will die.”  Other thoughts are violent.  I’ve had more suicidal thoughts in the last few months than in the prior 39 years.  (No, I won’t act on them.)

 

My anxiety is frequently all-consuming.  The withdrawal syndrome creates these horrific symptoms that make you terrified both for the present moment and for the future; as anything appears for the first time or intensifies, the thought of “and now this is how it will always be” is nearly inescapable - and then your anxiety over this fires the nervous system that is desperately trying to heal.

 

And all of this is NORMAL.  I know this from reading countless posts online and from working with a fantastic counselor online who’s been through it herself and now gets other people through it.

 

Normal.  The above (I selected very few symptoms) is a normal result of your having followed doctors’ instructions and taken a drug (I refuse to use the word “medication”) that was approved by the FDA.

 

It’s hard to accept that I’ve been much worse in the past few months.  (I thought I would be light years better than this at 1 year; today is deeply painful as well as celebratory.) That’s normal too.  That I was way more functional in month 2 than in month 12.  Most modes of understanding disease and healing that you held before this are useless.

 

It’s hard to accept that after an entire adulthood of chronic health problems, this happened.  I’m barely working right now.  I rarely see the people I love.  I rarely see concerts or shows.  I’m unspeakably sick of feeling too unwell to be out doing things.

 

But (and I’m really pushing myself here) it’s temporary.  It won’t kill me. I could wake up healed tomorrow or months or years from now.  But I’ll heal.  And I’m deeply grateful for that, and very excited - really painfully, anxiously excited - for the life I’m going to have. And I think I’m being distilled rather than destroyed - priorities are becoming clearer.  For one, I have to do some kind of advocacy work for this shit.  Many people get better and never return to the forums; they don’t want to relive it or speak about it.  That’s not going to make change happen.

 

Alright, that’s enough ramble from your favorite neighborhood actor / music director / tutor / benzo awareness author-activist vigilante motherfucker.  Thank you for reading as always.  Happy new year, and I’ll see you at 13 months.  Lucky 13?

 

Congrats Keys!!  I am right there with you at a year.  Nope, I am not where I hoped to be either but it could be a helluva lot worse.  Here is to getting through month 13!  Our day is near.  Thanks god that year is behind us. 

 

 

Аминь!

You wrote a thoughtful, inspiring and very real post! I love it so much. Congratulations on all that you have accomplished so far. You’ve moved mountains in your life already. May you feel completely healed soon so you can help move mountains for others (through advocacy) in the future!

So happy & proud of you.

You've come a long way and will continue to get better!!! Hang in there!❤

I totally get how you feel.  I am 18 moths off, and still having some symptoms.  I am better, but still not OK.  Remember that one of the terrible things about benzo recovery is that is is not linear.  This means that is does not progress at a steady upward rate; sometimes you are better and than get a bit worse for a while.  Kind of like a guy going up a flight of stairs working a yoyo.  You go up towards recovery, but yoyo back and forth.  Good news is that almost everyone DOES recover after time.  It WILL happen for you.  Keep yourself distracted with stuff like movies, books, audiobooks, etc.  Keep moving toward positive thoughts.  This is what cognitive behavioral therapy is, and you can do it for yourself.  When negative thoughts come in, tell yourself STOP and replace them with a positive, a positive "spin" on them if you will.  Be kind to yourself.  You WILL heal!