CT'd Aug 11 looking for positive input?

Lets talk about what's better!

 

B

Hi B,

 

I'd like you to think back to those first dark days and nights, do you remember your symptoms, can you tell me which horrific ones have left you?  Lets not concentrate on the other ones which have cropped up, just tell me the ones which are gone if you can.

 

Pamster

Brain zaps are all but gone I described it as my brain perculating..lol, dead legs faded alot, windows

Okay, I look at the absence of brain zaps as a sign that your brain has recovered at least one of the functions the drug disrupted, that sounds like progress. 

 

When you think of the millions of messages your brain is sending throughout your body and that benzodiazepines have directly or indirectly affected all of these messages, it's no wonder it's messed up.  Think of the miracle that is your brain, it's repairing what the drug has disrupted and it's keeping you alive while it does this, wow!

 

Tried again

 

B

I see your dead legs have faded, can you describe that to me, I'm not sure if I had that one, or maybe I've blocked it out!    And windows, aren't they the best and the worst?  They're so lovely, but we can't enjoy them because we're consumed with fear they'll leave, what a stupid process this is. How long was your longest window?

 

So, I see three major improvements since those first awful days, sure signs your brain is recovering.  Like I mentioned, when you think about it, the job your brain has to do is a monumental task, no wonder it takes so long. 

Thanks Pamster!  Yah like they were not attached to me.  The headaches are better too.  Plus Tylenol helps if too bad.

I definitely didn't have the dead legs, that's a weird one, wow!  So, headaches have diminished a bit and Tylenol can actually touch them, again, this is huge because its rare for anything to help benzo withdrawal symptoms.

 

I'm not going to ask you what terrible symptoms have replaced the ones you've lost, because I know some most likely have.  Lets keep concentrating on the good, have some of them lessened somewhat? 

I am able to paint and color some.  Not well but I m doing it.  From an Artist to a finger painter.

You paint, wow, that's such a wonderful outlet for you, well now that you can actually do it again.  Does it help to distract you?  And I see your sense of humor is intact, from Artist to finger painter. 

 

I see good things here B, I had no idea you were talented and funny underneath your pain, it's nice to get to know the real you. 

Every day is a journey

Tinnitus has lowered, walking outside in the rain and burning stomach is better.  Able to eat not alot but some! I have been craving sugar... chocolate....so I have been eating dark chocolate peppermint bark...so good!

Dang girl, I was hoping to hear about one symptom that had mellowed or morphed, but you're coming up with a lot of positive changes, good for you!  That darn tinnitus is miserable, mine left when I healed, so here's to yours doing the same thing!

 

A walk in the rain is a good thing, especially if your stomach isn't burning as much as it usually does.  And I don't see a darn thing wrong with sugar, I know a lot of folks around here can't deal with it during withdrawal but I say if it feels good, do it. 

 

Now, lets get to the real meat of your post, chocolate peppermint bark, oh man!  I bought a tin of the milk chocolate at Williams Sonoma a couple of weeks ago, ate it all within a few days, love that stuff!

 

 

You said only what's better....so that's a start hard to see through this sometimes!

We've been talking about physical symptoms which have either left, changed or lessened, has there been a change or improvement in any your emotional symptoms?  For example, when I was in withdrawal I couldn't cry, other people can't seem to stop, the first time I could cry was a breakthrough for me, a feeling of huge relief.

 

Have you noticed a change in any of your emotional symptoms?

Hmmmm I had always been a crier?  Can't cry want to just can't?  That's weird...oh when this dam breaks...

The first time I cried, it felt so good, just being able to cry was a window.  After that, I tried to cheat by watching really sad movies, it didn't work but I never forgot how great it felt.  Now, I can puddle up over anything and love it.

 

What else, what about your sense of smell?  The first time I went up into the mountains, the spring after my cold turkey I was able to smell dry pine needles in the sun, and that smell from my childhood nearly dropped me to my knees.  Are you able to appreciate any of your senses yet?

I did not yawn for an entire year. No lie.

Crying? I was afraid to cry, but like you, B, I wondered when the damn would break and the tears would flow like crazy.

Finally, I did cry and it felt so liberating.

 

Pamster, you are a Class Act. This description of smelling pine needles was so lovely. I can just imagine how it felt for you. I miss the smell of winter. Weird but true. Snow does not smell, but the utter cold and sparkling flakes DO have a sort of smell. I loved living in Boston. Cambridge. I owned a five family Victorian right off Magazine Street. Near Central Square, near Harvard, not far from MIT. I worked the evening shift at the hospital. I would come home at midnight, with snow gently falling. I would park my car at a nearby hotel that had given me permission to do that. Walked the three blocks home in falling snow. How lovely, how cold, but that did not matter. The utter beauty of walking home in falling snow was just wonderful. In the city, when snow falls, things get so quiet...for once. The snow plows wont be out until about 5 am. You just have to marvel at the beauty of slowly falling snow. The street lights highlighted this. I would get home and climb the stairs, turn up my furnace, which always clanked and grunted and made too much noise. I had a small ceramic heater in my bedroom, and I would turn that on.

Memories... thank God I am off benzos and still HAVE those memories.

east

What's better for me is that I can actually function with my kids. It's what killed me the most from all of this hell. I never felt so good about cleaning, cooking, helping with homework etc....... This has helped me learn to appreciate and be more grateful for what I have. Don't get me wrong,  I still feel some symptoms but they are less intense. I feel fine everyday,  it's just within the day I get hit with some symptoms that can last a couple to a few hours and then they go away. I hope that they go away completely someday. I hope that for you as well.

What's better for me is that I can actually function with my kids. It's what killed me the most from all of this hell. I never felt so good about cleaning, cooking, helping with homework etc....... This has helped me learn to appreciate and be more grateful for what I have. Don't get me wrong,  I still feel some symptoms but they are less intense. I feel fine everyday,  it's just within the day I get hit with some symptoms that can last a couple to a few hours and then they go away. I hope that they go away completely someday. I hope that for you as well.

I c/t'd on August 10

That is so great Iwant, I m right with you, I felt joy with my daughter on Christmas she is 24 and lives far away and knows nothing of this.  Thankful for that.

 

Pamster...Senses my eyes are a bit better not so blurry, I feel textures with my hands, tinnitus and hearing not so sensitive doing some proactive stuff for that.

 

East, I love Bawston!...lol

You felt joy?  Oh my gosh, this is huge!  And you've been able to hide your pain from your daughter, that's amazing, I admire your self sacrifice.  You could have told her everything, you could have introduced fear and concern for you but instead you chose to spare her from this, I'm humbled.

 

Your vision has improved, I would imagine as an artist this is a blessing, along with the ability to feel textures.  This means something B, it means that your brain is slowly giving you back the tools you need to get through this, wow!

 

So happy to hear your tinnitus has eased a bit, if you've found a miracle remedy please share with forum, there are so many people suffering.

 

Okay my dear, what new and exciting improvements have you noticed?  You mentioned you were able to take a walk in the rain, how was your stamina, have you noticed any improvement in how far you can go now, as compared to when this first happened?

What's better for me is that I can actually function with my kids. It's what killed me the most from all of this hell. I never felt so good about cleaning, cooking, helping with homework etc....... This has helped me learn to appreciate and be more grateful for what I have. Don't get me wrong,  I still feel some symptoms but they are less intense. I feel fine everyday,  it's just within the day I get hit with some symptoms that can last a couple to a few hours and then they go away. I hope that they go away completely someday. I hope that for you as well.

\

Good for you '76, you found something good!  This experience teaches us some powerful lessons, gratitude being one of them.  Who would imagine that a person could feel grateful just being able to do the dishes, or helping with homework?  It's a very humbling process, that's for sure.

Pamster, I went for a good walk not fast but about a half mile.  I even stopped to look at the Mountains full of snow which is nice here in SoCal ! Sunny and cool! I also went to two stores today and drove, doubting myself the whole way but I gotta take care of stuff when the opportunity arises. 

Excellent B, being able to appreciate beauty means healing, we can't see it when we're buried under hopelessness and terror, it's wonderful you were able to see it.. 

 

Driving is a huge obstacle to hurdle, I remember the fear I felt too, but the more you muscle through it, the less fear you'll have.

 

I remember someone posting this song on the forum when I was here in 2009, I'm not crazy about the video, but I think the song speaks to our journey.