6 months of hell, 2 years recovery

Two years ago I was desperate. I was having troubling side effects from the medications and I could not go on any longer. I remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom, feeling cornered, and telling my wife I was concerned about our kids not having their Dad anymore. In a last effort to understand my symptoms I came across this website. Finding benzobuddies was life-changing.

 

Today I am completely drug free (my only medication is dark chocolate!). I am happy, rested, relaxed and feel completely normal, just as I was before this ordeal.

 

This is my story.

 

In January 2017, a great friend and gym partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer, a tragedy which caused me a great deal of distress and fear. I was so tense, my back muscles would spasm painfully. After a couple months of back discomfort and pain, my nurse practitioner asked if I was willing to take a painkiller/muscle relaxant. At that point I did not understand the question and said yes. I took the medicine (don’t remember the name) before bedtime and it knocked me out for eight hours straight. During the day, the muscle spasms were subdued, but I felt apathetic and withdrawn. After a week, I could no longer tolerate the medication and decided to stop it. That night, to my despair, I could not fall asleep. After many nights trying over-the-counter sleep aids with little success, I called my physician, who suggested two options: Ambien or Xanax. I took Xanax 0.25 mg and it knocked me out for the entire night! I felt so good the next morning. Little did I know what was to come…

 

I took Xanax every other night, alternating with a PM medicine, hoping this method would curb dependency. Despite this approach, I hit tolerance early on, and after a couple weeks I was sleeping only 3.5 hours per night. My nurse practitioner said I was having a circadian rhythm disorder (seriously?) and prescribed Melatonin. Melatonin did nothing for me. At that point I had doubled the Xanax dose to be able to fall asleep. I kept calling my physician who stopped taking my calls. One month had passed and I was exhausted and disheartened. I spoke with my cousin, who is a medical doctor, and he interpreted my symptoms (insomnia, muscle spasms, apathy) as depression (seriously?). He suggested an antidepressant, amitriptyline 10-25mg on top of Xanax 0.5 mg. Amitriptyline helped with my back pain and sleep, but it caused tachicardia, weight loss and diarrhea. After 3 to 4 weeks on amitriptyline, I had lost 15 pounds, was feeling restless and anxious, and worst of all, had increased Xanax to 1mg to be able to fall asleep. I took time off work because I could not focus and my memory was poor. Finally my physician answered my calls and said he was concerned with my dose of Xanax. He diagnosed me with anxiety (seriously?) and recommended a doctor specialized in sleep disorders/anxiety. At that point I had been taking Xanax for two months. The new doctor said I did not have circadian rhythm disorder, depression or anxiety, and that Xanax was not my friend. He suggested tapering off Xanax and prescribed Buspar 5mg, an anti-anxiety drug, and L-Theanine, a supplement to increase Gaba, to help in the process. In May 2017 I started tapering Xanax off. Initially I felt good on Buspar, with a tremendous improvement in energy, libido and mood. After a week or so, I started having mild tremors. I was reassured that after stopping all drugs, the tremors would go away. As I kept slowly tapering Xanax, my amount of sleep also decreased. The doctor prescribed Trazodone 50mg and Baclofen 30mg for the sleep, on top of Buspar and Xanax. In the best case scenario I would have 5-6 hours of broken sleep per night. I had plenty of side effects, such as tremors, dizziness, fatigue, blurry vision, memory and cognitive deficiency, but somehow was able to (pretend to) work. My wife had to step up with the family chores, and we were able to maintain a semi-normal life. In June 2017, I was feeling positive and took my son on a 9-mile hike in the mountains. My hands shook, my concentration was poor, but I had the best day in 2017. After a few weeks I had lowered Xanax back to 0.25mg. At that point I started having involuntary jerky movements of my jaw and head. The doctor suspected it was caused by Buspar and stopped the medication. That night I took the usual Trazodone, Baclofen and 0.25 of Xanax and for my despair, I could not fall asleep. I tried another half dose of Xanax and nothing happened. Finally I took another 0.25 mg and fell asleep. The next morning I was desperate, my 3-month taper was a failure.

 

This is when I hit the lowest point in my life. It seemed I had no more options to move forward…

 

In addition to my usual symptoms I now had several painful sensations. I decided to check the internet to figure out what these new symptoms meant. And then I found Benzobuddies.

I could not believe it, there were other people going through the same hell. The first successful buddy I interacted with was Alohafromhawai. When I read her/his story, I realized there was hope for a solution. Thanks to Benzobuddies I learned about the Ashton manual and the effects of Xanax dependency. Finally things made sense.

 

I decided to stop all drugs immediately. The doctor resisted and convinced me to try Celexa, an anti-depressive, and Lamotrigine, an anti-seizure medication. I tried each medication for a week and refused to continue. I was told to go to a rehab in Arizona to ensure a safe detox. After some research I realized it would be better to stop the medication at home with the support of my family.

 

In September 2017, I quit all drugs cold turkey.

 

During the first days of my withdrawal my biggest concern was getting some sleep. I tried different sleep aids with limited success.

Night 1 - I took the supplement Sleep Cycle by Tango. Surprisingly I slept 1.5 hours and was able to work the next day!

Night 2 - Took the same supplement and did not sleep at all. Missed work.

Night 3 - Took Hydroxyzine 50mg prescribed by my doctor, and slept 3 hours straight.

Night 4 – Took 2 tablets of extra strength Advil PM. It worked for my headaches and I slept 2 hours.

The following nights I continued taking sleep aids and during the first 2 months I averaged 2-3 hours sleep per night. I also had to deal with several withdrawal symptoms such as broken sleep, vivid dreams, squeezing pains on scalp, sinus and teeth, inner trembling and jerky movements of my head and jaw, blurred vision and eye floaters, restlessness and agitation (I could not sit at the table to have dinner with others). Other less severe symptoms included poor concentration, memory problems, dizziness, exhaustion, brain haze, hot flashes, depersonalisation, flu-like symptoms, teeth chattering, numbness/tingling of feet.

Despite the exhaustion and physical symptoms, I felt very positive. In October 2017, I was able to camp for 2 nights with my daughter on a school trip, and drive 5 hours each way on a 3 hours/night sleep average. During this trip I learned that hiking/walking in nature made me feel better.

Advil (up to 1600mg/day) was very helpful with scalp and sinus pain.

I also learned that distraction was helpful. Many evenings, despite the exhaustion and pain, I wandered in the shopping mall and pretended to look at the store displays. I went to work everyday but could barely work for 1-2 hours.

 

During months 3-5, my sleep gradually improved to an average of 4 hours per night. In November 2017, I went to Las Vegas/Grand Canyon with my son. During the first night I could not fall asleep and wandered the streets of Las Vegas at 2:30 am in search of a pharmacy to buy Advil PM. During the trip we were constantly exposed to sunlight. Back home, I had my first window of normal sleep: 4 nights of 7+ hours of quality sleep!!! I learned that being outside, exposed to sunlight, seemed to help.

I continued to walk long distances everyday, during lunch or after work. Walking was the only remedy for my restlessness. One day I walked 12 miles.

I tried all sorts of foods and supplements for my symptoms, such as blueberries, green leaves, fish rich in Omega-3, tart cherry extract, and so on, but nothing seemed to make a significant difference.

 

During months 6-8, my personality was back to normal, cognition and memory improved, and sleep continued to recover in a non-linear way. Headaches subsided. Creativity, which is part of my work, came back. At this point I had stopped with all sleep aids, other than an occasional Advil PM.

 

During months 9-14 I felt comfortable for the first time. My sleep was still broken, but I could sleep as many hours as I needed. I could also nap. Most symptoms were either resolved or less intense. I resumed all my normal life activities, including organizing a surprise party in South America for my Mom’s 80th birthday. I no longer needed any medicine or supplements. I continued to avoid alcohol and anesthesia (I requested no anesthesia when treating a cavity at the dentist).

 

After 1.5-2 years, I was back to normal. I could sleep anywhere, anytime and as much as I needed, averaging 7+ hours per night. I felt relaxed, rested, energized, and my cognition was completely restored. A few symptoms remained, such as an occasional spell of dizziness, low intensity pressure on my teeth, and inner trembling in my head provoked by fast movements, such as when I wash my face or hair.

 

After 2 years, the remaining symptoms are barely noticeable. I don’t think anymore about the suffering these drugs caused me and I only look forward. I think the factors that really helped in my recovery were the support of my family, distraction, walking long distances under the sunlight and… time.

 

Looking back, I wish I did not have to go through this horrible experience, but if anything, there was a positive outcome for me. I do not fear death anymore as I did my entire life. Now my heart doesn't race when there is turbulence on the airplane, and I don’t feel scared about cancer. I know there is something much worse than death and I have already lived through it.

 

I want to thank Benzobuddies for helping me resolve the hardest challenge of my life when no one else could. You provided me with precious knowledge, encouragement and inspiration. I was only active in this website for a couple of weeks, but kept reading the success stories almost everyday during the first year of my recovery. I hope my success story can help other buddies.

 

Boa sorte (Best of luck!)

 

Well done!

 

Can I ask about your teeth? Did they feel tight and numb, like too big tight dead lumps of plastic in mouth and food stuck between them constantly? Did you jaw joint get very tight as well as move? Like crushing your fac and snaps shut if try to open it?

Hello rivelino,

 

Thank you for coming back to write your success story, your attention to detail, the description of your symptoms and the tone of your post are all wonderfully informative, heartbreaking and uplifting all at the same time.

 

You've given hope to many by writing this, thank you for taking the time. 

 

Pamster

Well done!

 

Can I ask about your teeth? Did they feel tight and numb, like too big tight dead lumps of plastic in mouth and food stuck between them constantly? Did you jaw joint get very tight as well as move? Like crushing your fac and snaps shut if try to open it?

 

Yes, this seems like a good description of the sensation in my teeth. I did not have pain in my jaw. Maybe a little sore for a couple weeks. The pain in my teeth was one of the last symptoms to resolve. It took more than 2 years. But it feels normal now.

Thanks! Mine don’t hurt because they feel numb/dead just too big, tight etc.

Thank you for sharing your story it gives me HOPE 💜✌️

I want to know if you are still progressing.

 

B

Thank you for sharing your story it gives me HOPE 💜✌️

I want to know if you are still progressing.

 

B

 

Hi there, Other than a barely noticeable inner trembling in my head, I am completely healed. I feel 100% normal as I was before I took these medications. I am glad my story gives you hope. Wish you a full recovery.

Rivelino-  Thank you for this wonderful gift of hope on Christmas Day!

It seems as though insomnia was your worst symptom, and once that resolved, you considered yourself better. What happens with people who are starting to sleep better but can't get better mentally no matter what they try?

It seems as though insomnia was your worst symptom, and once that resolved, you considered yourself better. What happens with people who are starting to sleep better but can't get better mentally no matter what they try?

I understand your frustration. How many times during my recovery I wondered if my tremors would ever stop, or if I would ever be able to see without eye floaters constantly moving in my vision, or if I would ever feel rested again, or stop forgetting my address zip code. I cried many times simply because my symptoms would get better and then get worse again. My worse problem was that I could never feel rested or relaxed during all the 24 hours of the day, the seven days of the week, and the many months of this ordeal. I was always mentally exhausted. I think what helped me was that I stopped being scared. I focused on two things: being functional ( be able to work and have a normal family life ) and being comfortable ( distract myself from my symptoms, engage in activities that helped with the symptoms such as walking, meditation and gardening, avoid activities that triggered symptoms ). Like yourself I tried many things and did not see improvement: different diets, supplements, acupunture, yoga, etc. Independently of what I tried, It seems like my brain/body needed TIME to heal from the damage caused by these drugs. It took 9 months to get to the point I felt functional and comfortable. I don't know the answer to your question. I can only offer you my experience and wish you a full recovery as soon as possible.

ps. There is a research at Cal Berkeley that says we need to be exposed to sunlight an average of 6 hours(!) per day for optimal neurological health. It is on Youtube.

Congratulations on your recovery and return to life! So happy for you!!! Thanks for your story, it gives many hope.

 

B strong

Thank you for this 🙏🏻 when you’re trying to stay positive, this is the stuff you need to read.

Thank you so much for posting such an inspiring account of your  journey.

I am just 2 weeks free of valium and in need of positive messages.

 

This is harsh  journey to travel for some of us and hearing that there is life afterwards is so needed

 

I can cope with all that comes my way if I  know that in the end my life will be returned to me.

 

I know exactly what you mean about exhaustion,  no matter what you do, I long for sleep that refreshes, and to be able to once again shut my eyes in the day without being jerked awake

 

I too have felt compelled to walk to try and quell the agitation, It's great news that it might actually be doing me so good being out in the daylight and getting some exercise.

 

I am so pleased for you getting your life back and look forward to the day that mine has returned too.

 

Thank you .Such a lovely Christmas gift.

 

Jen

Nice share, well done

Congratulations! 

 

Bump

rivelino,

 

What a long and difficult journey you had. Thank you so much for writing your Success Story so others can follow in your path to wellness.

 

I feel the same way, I know longer sweat the small stuff like airplane turbulence when benzo withdrawal makes everything else pale by comparison.

 

Enjoy your life, you deserve it.

 

pianogirl