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Combating hopelessness


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I’m quite far off now, 30 long hard months, and my depression and hopelessness has come back with a vengeance. I’m not sure if it’s a chemical thing related to withdrawal or a reaction to my circumstances, the fact that I’m taking so long to heal. Everything in the future looks black, I just see sickness and suffering indefinitely. Does anyone have some advice how to get a little hope back, I’m in a really dark place right now :(
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This is a HUGE hug for you: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SUNSHINE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know just how you feel. Getting off benzos can and will make you wonder if you will survive it. Unfortunately, 30 months off isn't a long time in the benzo world. For some reason, I cannot view your signature this evening, so don't know how long you took benzos and how you got off of them.

 

I can tell you that it took me more than 2 years to heal, from a thirty year habit of nightly benzos. Plus I took SSRIs back then.

Here in Benzo Land, 30 months is not a long time. To be honest, I did not really heal until three years had passed.

Sunshine, please feel free to PM me. I do a lot of mentoring here on BB. I certainly have the experience to do this, having gone through a truly awful cold turkey withdrawal back in 2012. I am now a fully functional woman. I work, I take care of business. I healed wonderfully, and feel blessed that I did.

east (Annie)

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Thank you so much east coast, your response made me smile. I was on benzos for a little under a year, including a taper btw. 3 years isn’t even that far off for me, wow I hope I’m better by then. I desperately want my life back.
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Hi Sunshine1602,

 

You mentioned in your post that your "depression and hopelessness has come back with a vengeance", was there a time when these two symptoms lifted for you?  If there was a time when they weren't this bad then I'd like to say they will lift again.  You know our symptoms wax and wane, and since these are symptoms, they will too. 

 

Notice I call them symptoms?  That's because they are, they're not you, they're not a state of mind, they are simply a bi-product of benzodiazepine withdrawal.  Don't give them anymore validity or power than they deserve, there are a symptom, a symptom which will leave you. 

 

I'm so very sorry you're suffering, but hold on to your hope, don't listen to your brain right now, it's got a big job on it's hands, repairing the damage that darn drug did to it. 

 

Pamster

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Thanks pamstar. To answer your question yes despair and hopelessness disappeared in my last window. It was a good one too, just about symptom free for a few days. Wow what I would give for another window.
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I agree with Pam. One has to sort of step back and try NOT to figure this stuff out. I personally think that you are still having wd symptoms, and in time will continue to heal. Some of us are just slow healers. I sure was. I felt so left behind, reading about people who had healed at a year. I wondered if there was something else wrong with me. I almost worried myself sick over this.

But in the end I decided to hold on and NOT reinstate, hoping that what I read on BB was true. It was. It took me 3 years to heal enough to feel like a functional human being again. But heal I did, and so will you.

 

What I would suggest to you is what I have told BB people for over 7 years. Start faking it immediately. Begin by writing down your negative thoughts: "I will never feel better." Then reverse it: "I will heal and I Will feel better."  "I must be crazy, so maybe I should reinstate" becomes "This is only withdrawal, and reinstating would further harm me."  " I am a hopeless case and people on BB must think I am crazy." becomes "I am just like everyone else on BB, no worse, no better. Like them, I WILL heal."

Do this in writing for a week (on paper or online) and the n begin doing this ON BB every time you answer a post. Most importantly, try to help others in need of support. You may feel awful, but by offering support and comfort someone else, you will be healing yourself as well.

"Faking it" was something I instinctively knew might help. A former therapist had told me about this but back then, my benzo mind would not let me understand it. I wrote her words off, as "new age bullshit." How wrong I was back then!

IU started faking it on BB all of the time. I did this so well that when I finally wrote my Success Story, people were shocked to learn how awful I HAD felt when I first joined.

But the BEST thing about doing this was that in several years of faking it, this became a permanent part of me. Gone is the woman who thought she would always fail. Gone is the sad, depressed woman who always turned to drugs when she didn't feel good. I find it miraculous that doing this simple thing can do so much good for one. Faking it got me through benzo wd, and have me a whole new outlook.

east

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That's encouraging to see a window of clarity or symptoms freedom. You'd be in a better to teach me about hope than visa-versa. I've lost count but I've yet to see a window. I've heard it tell to "fake it til you make" type of thing. I'm trying to stay active in music, politics, protect/rescue animals. Really tough though since nothing means anything to me. My mentor tells me to meditate and still my mind, shift my attention away from the "outer" world towards the "inner" world. Everyone's got advise from canned answers, fight it, hang in there - it'll be fine, distract, and "real" answers, "be" the answer etc. I'm left with more confusion, exhaustion, turmoil and deep inner torment. Extreme depression, anxiety, dreams of crisis/panic and of course guilt. I told my therapist guilt should be a primary category disorder but that seems to be too hot to handle in our convention. I'd gladly jump ship if I thought it'd really make a difference - but that's highly doubtful.
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