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Reassuring All of You


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Friends,

I was forced to go cold turkey off 2 benzos and 2 SSRIs back in July, 2012. I had no choice, so I just did this. My awful withdrawal began about 15 hours after my last Klonapin/Ambien dose.

My acute wd was truly bad. ;Hallucinating with all five senses. Physical symptoms such as formication, itching burning skin and gums AND teeth. (Wtf? itching teeth?) Fear, fear, fear, with panic attacks in between the fear.

I could not or sleep. I was hypervigilant 24/7. At that point, I did not have the knowledge to know why I felt so bad. I have been an RN since 1982, and in school I was told that benzo wd would be similar to alcohol wd. For some reason, I did know tinnitus cold happen. But I did NOT know that all the weird stuff I felt and saw was ALSO normal. Well, now I do know.

That first month off I truly thought I was going to die. I endured it, but had NO real hope. I was so paranoid. I was sure that the psych hospital I was forced to go into was going to come get me again, drag me back into utter hell. Whats funny now is that because I had worked IN that  hospital as an RN, I mentally knew they could not make me do that. But  benzo brain is NOT logical, so I was just sure they would com and drag me back there.

Listen to me now. I managed to heal, from a thirty year addiction to benzos. I took them only at night, for what I considered intractable insomnia. Because I had NO idea how awful benzo wd can be for some, I just kept taking them every night, in huge doses that would truly horrify you guys. Back then, nurses had easy access to benzos, they were not counted or accounted for. You are talking with the REAL Nurse Jackie here. I stole benzos for about 20 years, and never once knew how much they were affecting me. Twelve years before I went cold turkey, I was seeing a psychiatrist for the depression I had and he prescribed benzos and SSRIs. Little did I know then that ALL me depression and anxiety was being caused BY my benzos. Now I do know.

My health started going bad about 10 years before I went cold turkey. I did not make the connection between my nightly benzo/SSRI dose, and my failing health. I figured I was just getting old. At the very end I was so sick and frail I was seriously considering moving into a Nursing Home for the rest of my life. That I did not do that is sort of a small miracle.

And then things transpired, and I was forced to go cold turkey off all those damn pills. Holy hell ensued.

 

What I am here today to tell you is that despite this crazy, horrible history of abusing benzo I managed to heal. I depended on BB for advice, information and support. I LIVED on BB for about  year. I had to reply on the advice of strangers.

Turned out that they were so right. What I learned here on BB served me very well. I did what I was told to do, I tried stuff others said might help me. Most of this stuff worked  very well.

 

Many of you are discouraged tonight. Please hold on to the hope that there IS hope! I firmly believe that no matter how far gone you think you are, you CAN heal and have a far better life.

east, who is now quite tired

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Grateful this got bumped up as I had forgotten I started this thread!

How are you doing, bazil??? Any better now? Thanks to all of you who responded here.

 

I want to state this again. Benzo wd is NOT the end of your world. It is a TEMPORARY CONDITION, one that WILL go away in time. No matter how bad my wd was I am so grateful I got through it, and even MORE grateful I was forced to go through it. I know damn well I would NEVER have been strong enough back then to face the truth and taper off. I was THAT addicted. My brain had depended on benzos for thirty years. That is a helluva long time.

The doctor who forced me to go through this- I was angry at first. But later on I slowly began to understand that benzos had damaged me in so many ways, things I didn't know could even occur. Almost ALL of my former health problems were being caused by either benzos or SSRIs. I had to let go of that anger at Dr. P, and move forward.

Once I began to heal, I began to notice how much better I felt, and my health also got so much better. Gone was my old depression and anxiety, replaced with normal anxieties, such as facing a new situation or job. My only health problem now is essential hypertension, and I have had that since 1975.

 

I firmly believe that no matter how awful you feel now, it is very possible that getting off benzos could be extremely good for you, similar to what I went through.

Never give up, no matter how bad today is.

Tomorrow may be a lot better.

east

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Dee, I had so many days like that. It is so discouraging to feel a bit better one day and the next, you are back in the ugly soup of benzo wd.

Are you keeping a journal of some sorts? This seemed to help me. It was hard to keep track of my many wd symptoms, so I started an online journal. My hands were too shaky to do a written one. I could barely type, LOL!

I can only tell you that this crap does get better. It may take a long time, but it is worth the fight/wait. When I tell you that, today, I feel great, healthy, happy, I am not lying. I feel so good compared to how I was way back when I began this weird journey.

Benzos did change my entire life. In ways I never knew even existed. Huh! Now I do know. I will never take a "psych drug" again. HUGE mistake.

Annie

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I have a very special friend I want you good people to support tonight. She is having a very rough night, fears she will die. I told her most of us feel that way, but perhaps if some of you said the same thing, she will better believe it. You can reach here here, or on my Blog. She is a good person, one I really like and care about.

 

Listen up, comrades: if I can get through this, anyone can. I went into benzo wd this frail older woman who had to use a damn walker to get around, thanks to a benzo caused injury. A serious one, that almost cost me my right leg. I weighed 85 lbs the day I was forced to go cold turkey. I had no special knowledge, in fact, I had totally NO real knowledge about benzo wd. Like almost all medical people, I had been told that benzo wd would last maybe 2-3 weeks, be similar to alcohol wd, with flu like symptoms. I remember thinking just that the night I took my last dose. I shrugged bwd off, thinking it would be okay. How shocking to find out I was so, so wrong! I knew how wrong by the third day out. Leg twitches, muscle twitches and aches and burning. Nausea. I started hallucinating on the third day. It kept getting worse, and on the 4th day at that damn psych unit, I was summarily discharged, in full blown benzo wd. Hallucinating with all of my senses. Terrified, terrified!  Because of this, I now NEVER assume that what I read about various diseases and conditions is true. Sometimes, you just don't know until YOU go through it.

 

So, today, if someone on BB tells me something I have not heard of before, I tend to believe them.

 

That I DID heal should serve as proof that everyone can heal. Most of you are younger than I. That might give you an advantage, but who knows?

I learned the hard way to force myself to be optimistic, against all odds. Turned out to be the best thing I did. I fought back benzos and unbelievably, I conquered them.

What a really long strange trip it has been.

Annie (east)

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[26...]

Hi all "I get by with a little help from my friends". And yes I m alone and I m struggling as we all are.  My heart palps changed last night to a new beat and I m scared.  It doesn't matter what I eat or don't eat.  It don't want to talk about anything like that.  Just need a friend who might have a little experience.  I m triggered by everything.  Can't read about anything.  Just need someone to reassure me.

 

B

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I hope someone responds to Ms B. She is a wonderful person who has been struck by a really bad withdrawal.

Like me, she needs new friends, to see her through this awful mess.

 

Friends are how we get through this stuff. If we cannot depend on our BB friends, we would be so lost. It was only by LUCK that I happened to find BB. I had searched on the Internet for benzo support for maybe a month or two. I first stumbled upon some really weird site that claimed to BE BenzoBuddies, but they sure weren't. Just some really weird guy who had it out for BB. That site scared me so much I stopped looking for the real BB for another month. Truly weird, and you do not want to stumble across him.

east (Annie)

 

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Hi east, i would like to help but dont know how, as im so ill and have no hope to get better (not heal) since i got worse everyday being off 5.5 months. Please let me know if such a desperate soul can still do anything gelping her.

 

Btw, did you have food and chemical sensitivities during wd? I kept getting hit to worsening situations from almost everything i ate or used, with the most recent one being last night coloring my hair. I felt very ill after couple brushes and stopped immediately, still the setback is very deadly. I never had problems with this same hair color.

 

If not for this extreme sensitivity, i would have more hope. My plate is left only few items now but the sensitivity keep growing like unbelievable.

 

Thanks!

4mom

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4Mom,

I didn't have any sensitivities back then, or if I did, I was too damn crazy to be aware of them.

 

OF COURSE you could help this person! She is in pretty much the same boat as you are, lost and scared and afraid of ….who knows what? You two actually are very much alike.

Like you, she has NO hope of recovering. I can tell you both fifty times you WILL heal, but you will not believe this until you do heal. People in the thick of a rotten bwd need to help each other.

Minor point here, but benzo wd is NOT an illness. It is a condition and one that everyone heals from given enough time. When someone on BB says all they do is lie in bed, ill, I know they are going to be in trouble. Benzo wd is something that just has to be borne, suffered through, but WITH the help of their BB friends.

There is no easy way out of benzo wd. It just has to be suffered through, and knowing more about it makes it a bit easier to take.

4mom, you will heal. Just as I did. So why not lend a hand to my other friend?

east (Annie)

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Honestly i consider myself one of the strongest in enduring pain and suffering and resilent. I went through a very horodous 4.5 yrs tapering off lexapro maintaining a simple life. This time the hit from benzo is totally disabling both from toxicity (bedridden before tapering, day 5 taking 2.5mg v) both physically and cognitively. Most time  for the past 15 months i was in a semi coma like status, or in most excruciating whole body nerve pain. My muscle squeezes to one whole piece head to toe cant sit or stand and main reason im bed ridden. Even though i was still hoping that natural healing would happen once off the drug and given time. Only this sensitivity is knocking me off every few days from various stuff i would never expect, overiding any tiny improvement that i have seen and making it much worse.

 

How can i help her?

 

 

 

 

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Bnotafraid,

Im currently experiencing heart palpitations and chest pains. They are very worrisome. Ive been dealing with them now for almost 7 months. Im 14 months off ativan.

The good news is that Im certain the chest pains and palpitations have nothing to do with the health of my heart. Ive had a complete examination of my heart including a heart catheterization and I have no blockages. If you would have told me nothing was wrong with my heart, I would have said you were crazy! But the fact is, all of my chest pains and palpitations are simply a withdrawal side effect. Its hard to believe that they can occur so far out, but as I have read many times - "It just takes time and time is the best healer." 

Ive found that EVERY symptom Ive had was the worst symptom when I was experiencing it, until a new symptom came along and took it's place. Then it became the "new" worst symptom. My point is that symptoms of withdrawal seem to change throughout this journey and, as we are in the thick of it, we think it will never end. But as I look back, many of my prior symptoms have disappeared and never thought they would.  I thought I was was going to have to suffer with those symptoms forever, but that's not the case. Over time, things improve (not always as fast as we would like), but they do improve. Stay strong and keep fighting because healing is on the horizon. We will have up and downs along the way, but I believe if you stay focused on  the horizon and take it on day, one hour, or one second at a time. You will reach that point of healing. I know that I am much better this Christmas than I was last Christmas and I plan to be even better next Christmas. Im confident you will be too! Merry Christmas and know that you will be in my prayers this Christmas. You are not alone!

Take care,

Fp

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First of all, I truly feel for you; you have been given a truly bad hand in this. Bless your heart for fighting back.e I am not quite understanding what you mean.

I would like to know more about your condition. "Semi comatose state" - what do you mean by that? Can you describe this better???

I would urge you to get out of bed more, as lying in bed will just make your muscles atrophy. I know this both as a nurse and as a patient. I broke my femur, my knee, my hip, back in 2006 while still on benzos. The pain was beyond words. They almost amputated my leg. But a decent surgeon saved it. The pain post op was beyond words. I used a walker for about 4 years, slowly went to a cane, and 5 years ago, stopped using the cane. I will never walk normally again, I have a pronounced limp and my right leg aches at times. Stairs are very difficult for me now. But I managed to heal from this, AND from benzos.

You could certainly help Bnotafraid. She is as lost as you are, lost and wandering around looking for hope.

I can reassure her, but sometimes it takes talking with someone who is currently suffering through benzo wd to really help.

Almost everyone on BB feels as you do. Lost, scared, afraid. This is quite normal. It seems to be just a normal part of benzo wd, feeling scared and so alone.  This is why we need to reach out and lend a hand to someone else who is hurting as we are. I know I depended on my special buddies in MY miserable wd.

Please tell me more about you. I truly am interested and truly do want to help/

 

Fp, nice post and thank you so much for reaching out to Bnotafraid.

I agree with all you mention, and you worded it so very well.. Thank you SO much!

east

 

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[26...]

We all have something to contribute and thank you for that I too am suffering and just seeing positive input means the world to me right now.  Thanks East!  I m so sensitive right now.  We will all heal in our time.  No one body is the same.  What u have to do to survive this is not what anyone else had to do.  It truly is a isolating journey but one we each must survive.  We will survive!

 

B

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Thank east for your kindest care and offer to help!

 

I can share more about myself maybe in another place so not to hijack this thread to help B.

 

I will try to find out what B is going through first.

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Anyone getting off benzos has days when nothing feels or goes right. You start to wonder if its permanent. You feel so scared and helpless.

Please know that you have everything you need to beat this, right in your mind and brain. Healing from benzos doesn't just happen...it takes effort on your part.

What worked for me was so simple. I began faking it as soon as I found BB. I have NO idea why I knew to do this - I just knew I should. My first maybe 20 posts on BB sound so damn sane, so calm and I was NOTHING like that at all. I was one hot mess then.

I faked it. Over the years I kept doing this. To my utter surprise, this worked extremely well. Over time I somehow changed how I thought. I BECAME a positive person, and I never was before. OMG, no I wasn't positive...I always assumed the worst.

It is so simple to do this. Please do not write me off as some crack pot woman, because that would be far from the truth. I might have a few cracks in my pot but on the whole I am very normal now. LOL!

 

All of us have the power to change how we view our worlds. Getting off benzos is the first step. And its a huge step, isn't it? Once we begin to heal, we find we have more work to do, to fix the wrong things in our lives. Some of them just cannot be fixed. Others can be. We pick and choose and decide wat we want to work on. Our goal is to like ourselves, feel comfortable in our own skin, feel relaxed and happy most of the time. Right?

I view my own getting off benzos as only the very first step in a very long recovery. I wont bore you with why tonight. Just know that east still has work to do.

Love all of you-

east (Annie)

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