15 Months OFF THE BLASTED XANAX

So...15 months ago I (completely IGNORANTLY) cold-turkeyed off of 4 years of Lamictal along with what was probably #60ish Xanax taken over a couple of months time. Not a TON, but apparently JUST ENOUGH to buy me a ticket to UNIMAGINABLE HELL with the rest of everyone else here.

 

The symptoms I am still struggling with every day...every GROUNDHOG DAY:

 

The Top Five WORST:

 

What I call THE TEMPEST (waves of PHYSICAL Anxiety — which, for someone who has NEVER had Anxiety in their entire life, is a REAL GOTTDAMNED TREAT, I assure you...HA!)

JITTER, JITTER, JITTER

INNER VIBRATIONS

TREMBLY JELLY LEGS in my LOVELY Cortisol Mornings and sometimes throughout the whole day

DIZZY 24 HOURS A DAY SINCE THE END OF JULY

 

Can I say it’s so strange to read those five symptoms just written out like that in simple pixels. Just words on a screen...little words that represent UNTOLD HOURS OF UNSPEAKABLE SUFFERING. It feels sort of good to just write them out like that — it somehow takes away their vast power...if even for just a moment.

 

And, then there is all the rest of the hell:

 

Vagus Nerve TWANG

Almost constant twitches, mostly in calves

Muscle weakness in arms and legs

Muscle twitches in upper arms

Muscle pain in upper arms

WEAK “Dead arms” in the afternoon for an hour or two

Facial twitches/Eye Twitches

Undercarriage spasms

Two 50 cent piece-sized patches of VISIBLE GOOSEBUMPS that appear in the exact same two spots on my left arm COMPLETELY AT RANDOM and for NO obvious outward reason

Numbness, Tingling, Odd Pressure in face, scalp, arms, legs

VOLTAGE: Electrical sensations running through chest, arms, hands, legs, and feet

Raised veins on arms, legs, hands, and feet

Loss of appetite

Difficulty speaking at times

Difficulty writing at times

Pressure behind eyes

Swollen eyes

Puffy eyes

Dry eyes

Bloodshot eyes

Blurred vision

Eyelids feel SO HEAVY

Face feels SO heavy

Blurry vision at times

Runny nose

Allergies

DRY, DRY, DRY skin

DRY, DRY, DRY hair

Hair breakage

Hair loss

Silvery, metallic feeling in head

Lightheaded and Leadheaded...sometimes both at the same time

Metallic taste in mouth

Slightly raised blood pressure at times

Edema

Fear and despair that this is PERMANENT and will NEVER END.

Fear and despair that this is some other health horror OTHER THAN WITHDRAWAL.

 

 

For the record...I never had NOT A SINGLE INSTANCE of even one of these symptoms prior to benzo withdrawal. NOT ONE.

 

 

The good news is that there ARE some symptoms which seem to have fallen by the wayside for SEVERAL months, hopefully never to return:

 

 

TERRIFYING tremoring/shaking episodes

Shimmery sensations between shoulder blades and down my arms

DP/DR

Burning skin

Chills

Numb feeling in base of spine

THE QUEASE

THE GURGLE, THE CHURN, THE SLOSH, and THE BURN (HIDEOUS BENZO BELLY!)

Sometimes multiple poops a day — particularly after anything Tempest.

THE PHANTOM SMELL (Garlicky/Rubbery)

 

What I do to help myself HEAL and COPE:

 

Drink a TON of water...80 ounces a day.

Eat a NUTRIENT DENSE diet — mostly whole food and CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN.

Walk between 3 and 5 miles a day whenever I am able — which is OFTEN. I find that a nice, moderate pace helps burn off that nasty bastard Cortisol.

Keep my life as LOW STRESS as possible.

KEEP MYSELF SURROUNDED BY MY THREE PRECIOUS CHIHUAHUAS AT ALL TIMES.

Watch Antiques Roadshow UK and old school British murder mystery shows LITERALLY NON-STOP.

And, what is probably the MOST important thing: SLEEP. SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP. Like between 7 and 10 hours a night. That is when our body and brain HEAL. I was fortunate enough to have not been hit with the AGONIZING Insomnia that SO many on these boards struggle with, so for that I am grateful and specifically send ALL MY MOST POWERFUL PRAYERS OF HEALING OUT TO THOSE WHO JUST CANNOT SLEEP. Your struggle is double and I see you and send you love and FISTFULS OF SLEEPY STARDUST FOR YOUR EYES.

 

Though reading these boards frequently scares the living shit out of me, I have taken to heart the advice that was so generously given to me on the subject early on:

 

“For the most part, come here for specific questions, Benzo Free Celebrations, and Success Stories. Beyond that...ABSOLUTELY NOT. STAY OUT OF THE DARK WATERS.”

 

HA! And, so I do.

 

But, I also need to say that these forums are QUITE LITERALLY SAVING MY LIFE...particularly because it was here that I first encountered the beautiful, calm, rational, brilliant voice of my benzo doula, Sofakingdone. She saves my life EVERY DAY with her words and her hope and her faith and her love. So, THANK YOU, Miss Sofa. I LOVE YOU...and can NEVER repay what you have so generously given to me:

 

MY LITERAL LIFE.

 

And, so...even though I am  still in UNIMAGINABLE HELL nearly every day...I REFUSE to give in to this and give up. I love my family and my friends and my work TOO MUCH to give up. My magnificent husband and three children and all of my very close friends have stood by me and supported me and most importantly BELIEVED ME...as I move through an experience that is LITERALLY UNBELIEVABLE. Their love and faith has meant EVERYTHING to me and helps me JUST KEEP SWIMMING in those moments when I feel like I cannot take another step forward through this hell. But, I have THE MOST AWESOME LIFE! And, I WANT MY AWESOME LIFE BACK! So...it is one foot in front of the other until I am HEALED...just as we ALL WILL BE HEALED.

 

With SO MUCH love and healing light for US ALL —

Neely

xoxo

 

PS) Anybody who has any of my same symptoms who wants to chime in and commiserate/validate and/or share ideas/suggestions...PLEASE DO! It helps SO MUCH to hear that others are going through your exact same challenges and KILLIN’ IT — and it also helps to still and quiet that CONSTANT voice in your head telling you, “There is NO WAY this could POSSIBLY be from withdrawal. What you have is MS. Or Parkinson’s. Or a brain tumor. Or a stroke. Or EVERY OTHER DAMNED TERRIFYING IRRATIONAL MEDICAL POTENTIALITY.” HA! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me I am NOT the only one!

 

 

Dearest Neely,

 

You are killin’ it, sweetheart.  You are doing everything you can to get this over with as quickly as possible.  Eating whole foods, exercising, drinking lots of water, staying calm, avoiding stress and loving yourself.  What more can a body ask for?

 

This all resolves.  You emerge with a power within that nothing in this world can destroy.  There’s a new YOU just bursting at the seams to see the light of day and light the way for others.  You have a beating heart (albeit a bit racy sometimes) that will carry you through this mess.  It is strong.  It is healthy.  It carries the power of sheer guts and determination to push you across the finish line.

 

Congratulations on the getting through the toughest fifteen months of your life.  The worst part is over.  Smooth sailing is in front of you.  Keep your head up and spirits high.  You’re unstoppable. 

 

Love,

 

Sofa

Miss Sofa —

 

Thank you AGAIN for loving me and holding me close and keeping me safe and, most importantly of all, GIVING ME HOPE. I will NEVER forget what you are doing for me. EVER.

 

And, I promise to you...I VOW...that when I get through this (notice I didn’t say IF!) I will carry forward the SHIMMERING TORCH that PattyLu passed to you and that YOU are passing to me with every loving and patient word...a torch that will light the DARK, DARK passages that the next girl is staggering and stumbling through...blind, terrified, hopeless, and all alone. The gift of love and light and hope that you give me everyday will stretch on forward into time...FOREVER.

 

I PROMISE.

 

I love you!

 

Neely

xoxo

 

PS) GIVE THE DUDE A KISS ON THE LIPS FROM HIS CRAZY AUNTIE NEELY!

 

Your perseverance is inspiring! Here's to continuing to heal, and being thankful you are free from the meds!👍🏻❤🎉👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Keep up your positive attitude!

Your perseverance is inspiring! Here's to continuing to heal, and being thankful you are free from the meds!👍🏻❤🎉👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Keep up your positive attitude!

 

Thank you SO much for your kind and encouraging words, Miss Blacklablady! It looks like you are recently FREE yourself! How are you doing?

Congratulations for your perseverance and your brave attitude !

I remember, when I was 15 months off, I said to myself :

 

"Ok, I don't know when this hell will stop, so I  have to learn how to live this handicap and even how to enjoy life, despite those horrible symptoms !"

 

It means to be able to find a new meaning of life, even new values and to learn how to fight in a constructive way !

It's very important for cheer oneself up to know that it is not only wasting times but also a huge lesson of life.

 

Stay strong, it worth it !

You will feel better, for sure...and proud of you !

Congratulations for your perseverance and your brave attitude !

I remember, when I was 15 months off, I said to myself :

 

"Ok, I don't know when this hell will stop, so I  have to learn how to live this handicap and even how to enjoy life, despite those horrible symptoms !"

 

It means to be able to find a new meaning of life, even new values and to learn how to fight in a constructive way !

It's very important for cheer oneself up to know that it is not only wasting times but also a huge lesson of life.

 

Stay strong, it worth it !

You will feel better, for sure...and proud of you !

 

 

Gosh, thank you SO MUCH for your kind and generous and HOPEFUL words of support! As you yourself know, along with EVERYBODY ELSE on these boards, those words mean EVERYTHING. Some days, as you know, those words MIGHT BE ALL YOU HAVE to help you keep going when you feel like you absolutely cannot. So...from the bottom of my JITTERY, EXHAUSTED heart...THANK YOU.

 

=:0]

 

How are YOU doing these days?

 

xoxo

Neely

Your perseverance is inspiring! Here's to continuing to heal, and being thankful you are free from the meds!👍🏻❤🎉👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Keep up your positive attitude!

 

Thank you SO much for your kind and encouraging words, Miss Blacklablady! It looks like you are recently FREE yourself! How are you doing?

Taking it one day at a time!!! Like tapering really, just 12 days off today.  Some pretty bad waves still but some nice windows as well.  It feels so good to not have to dose and I look forward to getting my life back, just like you! Trying to keep up a positive attitude❤

Love your attitude Bless you!  Please send hope!

 

B

Your perseverance is inspiring! Here's to continuing to heal, and being thankful you are free from the meds!👍🏻❤🎉👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Keep up your positive attitude!

 

Thank you SO much for your kind and encouraging words, Miss Blacklablady! It looks like you are recently FREE yourself! How are you doing?

I'm still dealing with many side effects but am hopeful in time they will go away. Tomorrow will be day 60!!! I hit a pretty bad wave for almost 2 weeks, then it cleared up but now I've been hit with wicked fatigue.  My usual SXs are there like the tinnitus, heart pain, visual disturbances, inner vibrations to name some, but I have noticed some have gone or have really lessened like my burning skin and tremors.  I just feel so thankful to have made it through tapering and now onto healing.  It is a beautiful sunny day here, even though it is feeling like-6 degrees Celsius.  I am loving the sunlight, it brings me so much joy!!! Wishing you continued healing, Neely ❤!