Feel as though I am actually going mad/losing my memory.

Hi guys,

I feel as though I'm going mad and losing my mind. I never expected to turn into a b***ard and forget everything I do.

I used to be a sweet, caring man who thought the world of everybody and was a very bright, very sharp young man.

I want that Dave back again sooo badly.

Now I feel like a dopey d**khead, who can't even remember where his phone went and has to think hard to remember what day it is.

Dave. 

Hi Crowman88,

 

I felt pretty dumb during part of my taper and my recovery. As a pianist it was difficult to deal with the disconnect between my brain and my fingers. Luckily I had been teaching for so long that I could still manage on 'motor reflex'.  I did wonder where the real me was, it sure wasn't what I was experiencing at the time.

 

I regained all the memory and cognitive issues that plagued me during this process. My first performance post jump off was pretty amazing. I felt my concentration during practice was actually stronger. The performance was good, my two piano partner and myself received a standing ovation.  It felt so good to feel those good endorphins again.

 

Sometimes we simply have to wait for the haze of benzos and withdrawal to clear to reemerge a benzo free and happy person. For me, it was well worth the wait.

 

pianogirl 

I am getting g back to the point where I forget to pull my knickers up after having a wee and can’t work out how to pour a glass of water.

I was always the type to put something down and then forget where I put it 2 minutes later. Kinda in a clouds. But I totally hear you when it comes to how badly if affects our memory, whether you're on it or tapering. Remember before my first taper starting a second job and having issues remembering things which concerned me because I've always been a super fast learner. My memory - at least short short term could be wayyyyy better. Anyways I def feel like a dopey d**khead too and am tired of it I say!

 

There's a site called lumosity that has some pretty great "brain training" games based on the science of neuroplasticity. There are maybe 5 core focuses and memory is one.

 

I used to use that site for fun, just for self improvement. Recently signed up again - it's not free - was many moons ago - and some of the exercises are so tough. But it tracks your progress shows you what your cognitive strengths are and what can be improved on. There may be a free trial. I'd check it out if the memory thing bothers you.

 

Hi Crowman88,

 

I felt pretty dumb during part of my taper and my recovery. As a pianist it was difficult to deal with the disconnect between my brain and my fingers. Luckily I had been teaching for so long that I could still manage on 'motor reflex'.  I did wonder where the real me was, it sure wasn't what I was experiencing at the time.

 

I regained all the memory and cognitive issues that plagued me during this process. My first performance post jump off was pretty amazing. I felt my concentration during practice was actually stronger. The performance was good, my two piano partner and myself received a standing ovation.  It felt so good to feel those good endorphins again.

 

Sometimes we simply have to wait for the haze of benzos and withdrawal to clear to reemerge a benzo free and happy person. For me, it was well worth the wait.

 

pianogirl 

Hi pianogirl,

Gee whiz! If you can play the piano to a standing ovation, then healing is completely possible! I couldn't play the piano even before benzos lol. I'm not a bad drummer though! 

Dave. 

I was always the type to put something down and then forget where I put it 2 minutes later. Kinda in a clouds. But I totally hear you when it comes to how badly if affects our memory, whether you're on it or tapering. Remember before my first taper starting a second job and having issues remembering things which concerned me because I've always been a super fast learner. My memory - at least short short term could be wayyyyy better. Anyways I def feel like a dopey d**khead too and am tired of it I say!

 

There's a site called lumosity that has some pretty great "brain training" games based on the science of neuroplasticity. There are maybe 5 core focuses and memory is one.

 

I used to use that site for fun, just for self improvement. Recently signed up again - it's not free - was many moons ago - and some of the exercises are so tough. But it tracks your progress shows you what your cognitive strengths are and what can be improved on. There may be a free trial. I'd check it out if the memory thing bothers you.

Hi CosmicLove,

Thanks for the advice! I do regular brain-training with crosswords, a tangram puzzle app called "Block!" (it's good, try it) and by working out or walking regularly to get the GABA balanced again.

I'm still good at quiz shows, so not much has been damaged, but I do stupid things, like forget my phone, or keys, or to do chores, or to put items back.

Dave. 

lol great. that was me before i was ever prescribed anything  guess i'm easily distracted. maybe it's more about 'grounding' yourself, being mindful/in the moment. meditation might help.

 

good luck and glad to hear you're doing ok in other areas. 

lol great. that was me before i was ever prescribed anything  guess i'm easily distracted. maybe it's more about 'grounding' yourself, being mindful/in the moment. meditation might help.

 

good luck and glad to hear you're doing ok in other areas. 

Hi CosmicLove,

I haven't replied to this post for a while as when you are on your way to healing, you kind of drift off from what you wrote originally (starting to sound like Lockie now).

Yes, I've found that grounding techniques such as walking barefoot, or touching certain items helps me out with cog-fog.

I put every one of my belongings in a wooden box, so I know they are there whenever I leave the house.

I'm lucky I haven't suffered from agoraphobia, but I still get raging hylephobia (seizure fear) and bad intrusive thoughts (sad thoughts).

The feelings ebb and flow all the time, so one day will definitely not be like the next.

I can be as cheery as Larry one day, and be so melancholic the next.

Dave.

i am the female version of you.   i want the old me back.  i have cog. impairment, and i am scared. things that used to be easy for me to do are not difficult.  i want to heal.  i pray you all have healing happen in your brains.  i am so sad and scared.

Dave, I also feel desperate and have very negative thoughts about my future, I used to have good memory too. And Would give anything to have my old self back again, I am having a very hard time right now.

Blossom

I was always the type to put something down and then forget where I put it 2 minutes later. Kinda in a clouds. But I totally hear you when it comes to how badly if affects our memory, whether you're on it or tapering. Remember before my first taper starting a second job and having issues remembering things which concerned me because I've always been a super fast learner. My memory - at least short short term could be wayyyyy better. Anyways I def feel like a dopey d**khead too and am tired of it I say!

 

There's a site called lumosity that has some pretty great "brain training" games based on the science of neuroplasticity. There are maybe 5 core focuses and memory is one.

 

I used to use that site for fun, just for self improvement. Recently signed up again - it's not free - was many moons ago - and some of the exercises are so tough. But it tracks your progress shows you what your cognitive strengths are and what can be improved on. There may be a free trial. I'd check it out if the memory thing bothers you.

Are you still using the AP & have you noticed improvement?

I was always the type to put something down and then forget where I put it 2 minutes later. Kinda in a clouds. But I totally hear you when it comes to how badly if affects our memory, whether you're on it or tapering. Remember before my first taper starting a second job and having issues remembering things which concerned me because I've always been a super fast learner. My memory - at least short short term could be wayyyyy better. Anyways I def feel like a dopey d**khead too and am tired of it I say!

 

There's a site called lumosity that has some pretty great "brain training" games based on the science of neuroplasticity. There are maybe 5 core focuses and memory is one.

 

I used to use that site for fun, just for self improvement. Recently signed up again - it's not free - was many moons ago - and some of the exercises are so tough. But it tracks your progress shows you what your cognitive strengths are and what can be improved on. There may be a free trial. I'd check it out if the memory thing bothers you.

Are you still using the AP & have you noticed improvement?

Hi Sunny day,

Yes I still use Lumosity, and yes I have noticed a big improvement in memory recall. It's a great app!

Dave.