Time to Start This...

Hello,

At 5 days until I hit the 1 year mark from my jump day it's time to start my entry into my success story. I'm here. I'm not 100%

and I'm ok with that, I'm still married, I still have a successful career. I want to complete this success story by submitting it in a number of "enteries" ... the first is something I wrote down in the early days of my w/d when I saw the faintest glimmer of light. A few typos...but nonetheless it captured a starting point of healing for me.

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It’s an unrelenting beast…

It’s clouds your mind.

It poisons your soul.

It breaks your heart until you think it will never beat again.

Then it beats. One, twice and in rhythm.

It’s darkness so thick that your clouded mind concludes the light will never pierce the blackness again.

Then the light returns.

Clinically it’s known by a couple of names; Depression and Anxiety…which for me neither exist without the other. I remember being “down” sometimes as a kid, teenager and young adult. As I moved into my early 20’s I can recall the time that it got frightenly “dark”. What if the light never came back around? What if I never woke up? Why did that girl leave me? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why didn’t I get the job? The darkness asked questions and it beat me into to submission until it crippled me they time I was in my early 40’s. After a decade of anti anxiety, anti depressant medication, self medication, fear, anger, darkness and panic I was finally seemingly defeated once and for all. You won depression, you got me anxiety…you finally won. You were right, I wasn’t smart enough, I wasn’t tall enough, I wasn’t fit enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t a good enough husband, I wasn’t a good enough father, you were right both of you.

But…

What if…

If the light could return and the heart could beat without fear, pain, and apprehension? What if? What if the light asked the questions…what if you are good enough? What if you are attractive enough? What if you approached life springboarded off the question of “I am good enough…but what if I can get better.” What if human the human spirit driven by fear has a ceiling? What if the human spirit driven by a willingness to accept yourself as you are in the moment, and a willingness to keep moving forward is limitless?

This is a story so common I’m afraid it’s a national epidemic, if not a global epidemic. The crushing of the human spirit. But by whom? And for what purpose?

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