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I am so sorry everyone . I am tired from lack of sleep. Endlessly visiting the toilet since the UTI and antibiotics

 

I am worn down by the cortisol adrenalin terror going on, Not a single day without it.

 

I am nauseous, My ears are hissing and my hearing almost gone,  , I cannot feel my fingers for that has plagued me,

 

My mouth is numb and sore, inside my nose and my teeth  hurt

 

My muscles feel weak but I have to walk, and walk, I am shattered,

 

I am losing weight again and really struggling to eat, I used to wait for the lowering of the cortisol in the evening for relief now  I know that both day and night are a nightmare and I still have .07mgs of valium to go and don't know why I cannot just stop it, except that I feel so bad I fear I will be even worse ,Yet I know this taper is not good, It's too long,

 

I have never been stable and been ill for a long time, Now I have lost heart that I will ever be well again

 

I am so sensitive to other medications I cannot be prescribed anything, and especially at my age (74)

 

I don't know where to turn , I have asked my Doctor but they wont help, I have aske the psychiatrist, and she is now willing to prescribe a little melatonin, but it's not that I do  not drop off to sleep it's that I sleep for only a few minutes and then I am constantly on this cycle,

 

I am lost now, and don't know if I will make it,  I really need a big  hug

 

So sorry I am such a disappoint 

 

 

Edit: title updated

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I jumped at .25 mg of Valium. Three times your dose. I felt the longer I stayed on it, the more I was prolonging my problems. I think it was a good decision for me. I didn’t want to stay on it for life.
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Jen I know you will make it through this. You're already been doing this for a long time and you will be able to carry on until you heal. You're only on 0.7 so eventually one day you'll have to get a window. You know we can't know when that will be so you have to hold on to what the survivors tell you, that things get better eventually. No idea if that 0.7 makes a difference and I don't dare to say what to do with that. I'd go slowly as you know me and I'm more into slow tapering. I wish they could give you something to sleep but on the other hand, you say you're very sensitive to medications so this way you're not risking a bad reaction. Think about it, you walk, you write here and make a lot of sense. Jen you're in bwd hell but you're in better shape than your brain is telling you. I'll pray that you get a window soon. Love and a big hug, Janice.
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I am so deeply touched that anyone writes to me,

 

Really it has me crying, I am a big softy , well not so big these days.

 

Yes people do jump at .25mgs  BG, but I am guessing you were not suffering all this fear terror, It seems to prevent decision making

 

Yes 0.07mgs is a minute dose, and it should make no difference , For some reason I am stuck, I know it's illogical.

 

Oh for some real rest, a long sleep and a day of calm, I have never had a window in all my long taper, How I wish I had a break from this  then I would know that healing can happen even for me

 

Jen

 

Thank you so much

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Jen, you are right there!!! I know it is so hard and has been HELL the whole way!  I know it seems like even though you are so close you won't make it but once you are free your body will begin to sort things out.  Yes it may take a while as you are so bad, but our bodies naturally have a way of wanting to heal.  I have had some very rough moments this last week but I am still going to try to just accept it as it is.  For sure I get freaked out with worry that healing will take a while and even have panic moments where I question if some of this damage I'm experiencing is never going to go away, but I am holding onto the hope that I will heal.  I am holding onto hope for you too!  I think about you every day!!! This has been such a fight for you, but the finish line is right there!  Think of how you have persevered through this whole nightmare, how far you have come.  You are almost at the peak of the mountain!  The journey down may also be hard but you will have reached a goal you never thought possible at 74! You are amazing to me!  And I'm so glad we became good friends through our whole journey together!  Just a few more steps up then you will be free to start healing.  I am cheering you on now and will be as you begin your descent down!  You've got this!!!! ❤
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I hope I make it through to the top and successfully back down to where I was well and life was calm, 

 

I am really so weak now, I have nothing left in me to give

 

I need some sleep at least to recharge, and I do think I am very low on and run down,

 

I think the antibiotics set back any tiny progress I might have made,  If I had made any, but they were necessary .

 

I have tried to stay clear of everything to give my body the best chance .I just hope  I can mend, I wish I had a tiny window to know it is possible,

 

I hope your end of taper is going well,  I daren't ask but think you might just have come to the end?

 

Thank you so much for your support,

 

Jen

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I hope I make it through to the top and successfully back down to where I was well and life was calm, 

 

I am really so weak now, I have nothing left in me to give

 

I need some sleep at least to recharge, and I do think I am very low on and run down,

 

I think the antibiotics set back any tiny progress I might have made,  If I had made any, but they were necessary .

 

I have tried to stay clear of everything to give my body the best chance .I just hope  I can mend, I wish I had a tiny window to know it is possible,

 

I hope your end of taper is going well,  I daren't ask but think you might just have come to the end?

 

Thank you so much for your support,

 

Jen

Today is my last day of dosing...tomorrow I am free!  It has been tough this last little bit but I can't wait to be off this poison!  I don't expect to feel much different than I do now which at times is horrible, but I have had some moments where I feel more like me and that has given me hope!  You and I have been just steps from one another on this journey and I am so thankful we had one another to talk with.  Even  during the worst of times we connected and supported one another!  I'll be at the finish line waiting for you friend!!!! Then we will start our journey down to getting our lives back.  It may be a decaf tea you will be having, but I see that tea and biscuit you've been dreaming of coming your way!!!❤

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I am so sorry everyone . I am tired from lack of sleep. Endlessly visiting the toilet since the UTI and antibiotics

 

I am worn down by the cortisol adrenalin terror going on, Not a single day without it.

 

I am nauseous, My ears are hissing and my hearing almost gone,  , I cannot feel my fingers for that has plagued me,

 

My mouth is numb and sore, inside my nose and my teeth  hurt

 

My muscles feel weak but I have to walk, and walk, I am shattered,

 

I am losing weight again and really struggling to eat, I used to wait for the lowering of the cortisol in the evening for relief now  I know that both day and night are a nightmare and I still have .07mgs of valium to go and don't know why I cannot just stop it, except that I feel so bad I fear I will be even worse ,Yet I know this taper is not good, It's too long,

 

I have never been stable and been ill for a long time, Now I have lost heart that I will ever be well again

 

I am so sensitive to other medications I cannot be prescribed anything, and especially at my age (74)

 

I don't know where to turn , I have asked my Doctor but they wont help, I have aske the psychiatrist, and she is now willing to prescribe a little melatonin, but it's not that I do  not drop off to sleep it's that I sleep for only a few minutes and then I am constantly on this cycle,

 

I am lost now, and don't know if I will make it,  I really need a big  hug

 

So sorry I am such a disappoint

 

Jen...

 

I know what a horrific time you’ve had with this poison.  Please...leave your benzo mind out of the equation. Is this dose helping you? No. It is not!

 

It’s time for you to make that decision Jen.  You can walk off this now.  You’ll never know if stopping will alleviate your symptoms.  You have to start healing your body benzo free. 

 

Please Jen.  Your body, mind and spirit are ready for you to let go.

 

SG

💜

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Thank you Adjusta,  I am not sure if it is or it isn't except as a crutch,

I haven't taken my morning dose today, It's getting late now so wonder if I should just miss it out and take it as a cut, I don't know,  It would be .04mgs and evening .03mgs.  I wish I could  just say that's enough,

 

What have I become?  I am useless,

 

I don't know if this is technically acute as that is supposed to take place when the valium has all been used up taking into account the half life, so a time after stopping depending on speed of the metabolism .  If that is so I am in for even worse, but I cannot think of worse except from a CT, though I must admit I wonder if the 3 lots of different antibiotics I have had to have in the past 4 months might have pushed me into some sort of CT, as  two were penicillin based and it is gaba antagonist.  .

 

I don't know what to think.

 

My thoughts will be with you tomorrow,

 

Jen 

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Truly I am so very poorly I don't know what the right thing is ,

I have cut and cut even though in a state because the drug never helped, but the damage was caused whether it did or it didn't. 

I fear that there is worse and then what ? I cannot deal with this let alone worse, but this tiny amount seems pointless, 

 

I have not taken my morning dose so far today and not sure what to do about it, I wish I didn't feel so awful in every way

 

I want to survive this but I am so ill I am not sure I will. 

 

I am beyond shattered,  Truly it is illogical that 7 more days of tapering will make much difference, and the dose it too low to hold, not that holds helped when the full dose didn't , I don't see how it could,  but oh for a rest from this after so long,

 

Now I am even more indecisive. I have created another problem by not taking my morning dose, but then I could add it to the evening, I guess, and get used to no morning dose, which is the one I have the biggest attachment to

 

No idea now what I should do

 

Lost and very tired

 

Jen

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I am so deeply touched that anyone writes to me,

 

Really it has me crying, I am a big softy , well not so big these days.

 

Yes people do jump at .25mgs  BG, but I am guessing you were not suffering all this fear terror, It seems to prevent decision making

 

Yes 0.07mgs is a minute dose, and it should make no difference , For some reason I am stuck, I know it's illogical.

 

Oh for some real rest, a long sleep and a day of calm, I have never had a window in all my long taper, How I wish I had a break from this  then I would know that healing can happen even for me

 

Jen

 

Thank you so much

 

Hi Jen

 

Is it .7 mg or .07 mg? I’m asking because I think someone’s reply said .7 mg. Either way you have to do what you have to do. I jumped at .25 mg because honestly I tapered from the  equivalent of 200 mg of Valium for 5.5 years. I just got so sick to death of tapering. Recently I’ve been having some heart withdrawal symptoms so my doctor started me on a very low dose of inderal. It’s not likely doing anything for me but I’m sure she’ll up it once she sees I’m okay on it. I do think you are in acute right now...just my opinion so to me you can’t get any worse.

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I am at 0.07mgs today if I take the dose, It's late and I have missed the morning dose,

 

I do hope it doesn't get worse and maybe start to get better soon,  though I know it can take a long time, as long as there is some light shining though this,

 

You had to taper for a long time, I thought I had, but then I have been tapering for so long from 3-4 months of use and 4mgs, so way too long,  Just percentage wise mine are very big cuts  now ,

 

I am so unwell I am hoping you are correct

 

Jen

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I would not add that dose back in if you can bear not to. It is already dust.

 

You can do this!

 

You just have to hang on by your f gertips for a few mi the and I’m sure you will start to see changes.

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Hi jen,

Everyone is different, for ppl who are super sensitized, even a ridiculously small dose still can make a huge difference. It happened to me anyway. I jumped at 0.1mg v, everything fell like a collapsing building even i was in acute already all the time during taper. We feel things cant get worse as it doesnt make sense how can it be possible even, but this hell is truly bottomless. Looking back, i wish i tapered that last 0.1mg in a few more months as i originally planned, but i got impatient, also i was having parodoxical effects.

 

I feel the best is for you to follow your gut feeling. Try not to stress out even more by the decision making struggle. Either way you will survive somehow. It wint be easy but you will like you did always. Even you stretch it a bit longer, it wont be too long.

 

4mom

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That is true but it may be you would have had exactly the same experience if you had tapered for longer 4mom.

 

It is impossible to say.

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Hi jen,

Everyone is different, for ppl who are super sensitized, even a ridiculously small dose still can make a huge difference. It happened to me anyway. I jumped at 0.1mg v, everything fell like a collapsing building even i was in acute already all the time during taper. We feel things cant get worse as it doesnt make sense how can it be possible even, but this hell is truly bottomless. Looking back, i wish i tapered that last 0.1mg in a few more months as i originally planned, but i got impatient, also i was having parodoxical effects.

 

I feel the best is for you to follow your gut feeling. Try not to stress out even more by the decision making struggle. Either way you will survive somehow. It wint be easy but you will like you did always. Even you stretch it a bit longer, it wont be too long.

 

4mom

 

I like this input. Jen is 74 and she's been tapering 0.01 mgs a day and she's used to that and her brain is used to that. I don't see why she should jump at 0.7 and not taper till the end. Of course all we have are different opinions based on no scientific evidence and I agree that Jen would best do what she feels safer doing. Jen I hope you do what you feel safer doing and something that doesn't stress you even more. In any case I know we're all here rooting for you.

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Hi jen,

Everyone is different, for ppl who are super sensitized, even a ridiculously small dose still can make a huge difference. It happened to me anyway. I jumped at 0.1mg v, everything fell like a collapsing building even i was in acute already all the time during taper. We feel things cant get worse as it doesnt make sense how can it be possible even, but this hell is truly bottomless. Looking back, i wish i tapered that last 0.1mg in a few more months as i originally planned, but i got impatient, also i was having parodoxical effects.

 

I feel the best is for you to follow your gut feeling. Try not to stress out even more by the decision making struggle. Either way you will survive somehow. It wint be easy but you will like you did always. Even you stretch it a bit longer, it wont be too long.

 

4mom

 

I like this input. Jen is 74 and she's been tapering 0.01 mgs a day and she's used to that and her brain is used to that. I don't see why she should jump at 0.7 and not taper till the end. Of course all we have are different opinions based on no scientific evidence and I agree that Jen would best do what she feels safer doing. Jen I hope you do what you feel safer doing and something that doesn't stress you even more. In any case I know we're all here rooting for you.

 

She’s not at .7 mg. She’s at .07 mg.

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Thank you all so much . I am so very tired, and need some sleep. I still don't know what is best but I know I have to find some super human strength on Wednesday when my son, with special needs , has to be taken to the community dental clinic in town,  His father promised to do this but has since insisted I do it, yet I have not been anywhere but round the block or the Doctor's and only then with a first in appointment, and the local supermarket late night, when things can be a little calmer,  I don't know how I will do it, but thinking of if does not help so I am trying not to,

 

I might have to taper the last 6 days though what that will do I don't know, I feel too ill it think,

 

You have all be so wonderful and I value all of your messages,

 

Jen

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Jen, I hope you find somebody to come with you and your son to the dentist on Wednesday. I wish there was more we could do to help you. Just keep asking for reassurance as often as you need.
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I hope I make it through to the top and successfully back down to where I was well and life was calm, 

 

I am really so weak now, I have nothing left in me to give

 

I need some sleep at least to recharge, and I do think I am very low on and run down,

 

I think the antibiotics set back any tiny progress I might have made,  If I had made any, but they were necessary .

 

 

I have tried to stay clear of everything to give my body the best chance .I just hope  I can mend, I wish I had a tiny window to know it is possible,

 

I hope your end of taper is going well,  I daren't ask but think you might just have come to the end?

 

Thank you so much for your support,

 

Jen

Today is my last day of dosing...tomorrow I am free!  It has been tough this last little bit but I can't wait to be off this poison!  I don't expect to feel much different than I do now which at times is horrible, but I have had some moments where I feel more like me and that has given me hope!  You and I have been just steps from one another on this journey and I am so thankful we had one another to talk with.  Even  during the worst of times we connected and supported one another!  I'll be at the finish line waiting for you friend!!!! Then we will start our journey down to getting our lives back.  It may be a decaf tea you will be having, but I see that tea and biscuit you've been dreaming of coming your way!!!❤

 

Hey black lab!

I’m looking at your signature and wanted to ask, If I’m reading right, you tapered by .01mg per day Right ?

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Thank you so much to you all. I am so grateful,

 

I am having a day of great doubt that this is all the valium, and just time and being free will ease things,

 

I guess because the reason I started taking it was for severe anxiety that had been treated with sertraline then stopped CT , then, well I keep repeating the loop, but  you know the sort of thing, tried on pregabalin for a week then the valium, but I had taken citalopram 5 years earlier and 3 years before that, so I wonder is this really not all valium at all and I cannot get back onto an antidepressant, so what am I to do if  I don't heal?

 

Fear feeding fear I guess

 

This endless daily terror state is wearing me out, I wish I knew for sure it will ease when free and time has passed

 

I have nowhere to turn now as the psychiatrist says I am too sensitive to take anything, I have to mend and am relying on  exercise and that's all

 

I am at a loss, what to do as I finish the last of my taper in the next 3 days,

 

I am tired out and want to live again

 

Jen

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