How much more suffering? I can't do this anymore

It has been 8 full months of nonstop torture. I'm literally battling symptoms every second and with all effort I have. I'm tired. So tired. There has been no drop off of any symptoms, some symptoms are slightly less in intensity but still present. I can't see how I can have hope like this. My life, health, appearance, future has been completely taken from me. If I acquired this illness at an older age I could live because I'd only have a few years left anyway. But I'm only 30, my organs are otherwise in good shape, I have to drag this horrible life in suffering for how much longer? At the rate I'm healing, I will be healed when I'm 200 years old.

 

I can't keep my eyes open, the world Looks scary because of derealization, I can't leave the house, I'm always in physical discomfort and pain, I can't sleep, I'm completely disabled. All of my symptoms are signs of severe brain damage but manifests as mental illness. It's like I'm constantly living in a horror movie in a parallel universe. There are people on here that took benzos for much longer and are doing better at this far out.

 

How ami supposed to believe I will heal?

As much as you can, you concentrate on this "some symptoms are slightly less in intensity."

 

Like being in the darkest cavern, deep in the earth. If you see one tiny light, follow it.

Sorry that you're suffering like this. Just know that you're not alone. I know it doesn't ease up the suffering but imagine if you didn't have benzo buddies... Hang in there.

Ptsd,

Following my first c/t my mental symptoms were exactly like yours and they have all completely resolved.  It takes time; keep fighting.

 

 

 

Ptsd,

Following my first c/t my mental symptoms were exactly like yours and they have all completely resolved.  It takes time; keep fighting.

 

People like me & PTSD and so many others need posts like these to keep our fighting spirits alive. Thank you ss24.

You are going to heal and your brain will too, I remember crying to my husband the world looks so scary I didn't even want to be outside, I could hardly walk around the block, was terrified of everything and would honestly just cry for hours thinking the only way to end my suffering was suicide, I am SO glad I held on, I am 31 months off and about 80% healed and back to feeling a joy for life I thought was never going to come back. This sounds crazy now to me but I remember saying "I just wish I could go to the mall and care about shopping for new clothes" or I just wish I could look at a beautiful sunset and feel something other than fear, around 24 months out I felt pure joy for the first time in two years and I smiled while looking at the beautiful landscape of Colorado while on a road trip with my husband. I promise it all comes back and you will be so grateful you kept going, healing happens just distract yourself as much as possible and know that every day you are off these pills healing is happening

People who go through this are in the minority, that's why it's not better known. 

 

W/D has knocked out part of our brain, making everything 10X or 100X worse than normal.  The thinking that accompanies this, is not your normal self, it's a symptom that will reverse in time.  A year ago I thought my life was ruined and over, and today this idea is absurd.  Just hang in there, you're healing and likely past the halfway mark towards total recovery. 

 

Following

On days like today, it is very hard for me to believe I will ever feel better as I'm 20.5 months off. Yesterday, I thought that maybe I would be getting better. It literally changes day to day for me. I feel so sleep deprived today and so angry. I just want to be at home by myself and sleeping all day. Yesterday, I was feeling like maybe it could get better in the next few weeks.

Ptsd,

Following my first c/t my mental symptoms were exactly like yours and they have all completely resolved.  It takes time; keep fighting.

 

Hi ss24, so you healed after your first c/t? I'm having trouble understanding your sig. are you now suffering from symptoms from your second withdrawal?

You are going to heal and your brain will too, I remember crying to my husband the world looks so scary I didn't even want to be outside, I could hardly walk around the block, was terrified of everything and would honestly just cry for hours thinking the only way to end my suffering was suicide, I am SO glad I held on, I am 31 months off and about 80% healed and back to feeling a joy for life I thought was never going to come back. This sounds crazy now to me but I remember saying "I just wish I could go to the mall and care about shopping for new clothes" or I just wish I could look at a beautiful sunset and feel something other than fear, around 24 months out I felt pure joy for the first time in two years and I smiled while looking at the beautiful landscape of Colorado while on a road trip with my husband. I promise it all comes back and you will be so grateful you kept going, healing happens just distract yourself as much as possible and know that every day you are off these pills healing is happening

 

Wow ! What an incredible inspiring post .......... thank you for taking the time to write it as I’m sure your now just busy enjoying your life , it’s a wonderful thing for you to do and will encourage so many of us , it certainly has me ! At the moment I’d be satisfied with average but to actually feel joy and happiness would be such a blessing, I am sure it will come in time 👍

 

So happy for you .

 

PO

Ptsd,

Following my first c/t my mental symptoms were exactly like yours and they have all completely resolved.  It takes time; keep fighting.

 

Hi ss24, so you healed after your first c/t? I'm having trouble understanding your sig. are you now suffering from symptoms from your second withdrawal?

 

Hi Ptsd,

I've had a long, convoluted path......

Approximately 3 months after my last c/t, all my mental symptoms lifted but I was left with other neurological symptoms that were worrisome and I made the poor decision to reinstate for a slow, long taper which has riddled me with severe neuromuscular pain.  Kindled.  In hindsight, with today as my comparison, my symptoms at 3 months post c/t were all manageable and I wish I would not have reinstated.

Give yourself time and constant exposure and your brain will get it right. 

I'm just not seeing any improvement. I'm constantly in a state of discomfort and agony. My mental symptoms have been the same since acute and my body feels like it's shutting down due to the poisoning and lack of sleep.

I'm just not seeing any improvement. I'm constantly in a state of discomfort and agony. My mental symptoms have been the same since acute and my body feels like it's shutting down due to the poisoning and lack of sleep.

 

Miracle, you say in your signature you're off all meds only last October. Could it be that it's still soon to see an improvement? I'm not sure I understand what meds you came off recently. I hope you get a window soon.

Ptsd,

 

I'm so so sorry you're going through such a rough time.  It's so hard if not impossible to hold on to optimism when you feel just plain sh*$$y.  I understand wanting to just stay immobile and surrender when things feel so dark and bleak. 

 

I don't know what you're doing to take care of yourself but I firmly believe simple things we can do for ourselves can help our troubles feel just a little bit lighter.  Things like taking a walk around the block (if you don't feel ready to leave your house, there are indoor walking routines on youtube).  Drinking plenty of water. Eating a healthy diet. Staying away from alcohol, caffeine and refined sugar. Keeping a journal.  Please don't dismiss these simple things - truly they may make a difference for you.

 

I hope your burdens lift soon.  I wish you much, much healing.

BD

I'm just not seeing any improvement. I'm constantly in a state of discomfort and agony. My mental symptoms have been the same since acute and my body feels like it's shutting down due to the poisoning and lack of sleep.

 

Miracle, you say in your signature you're off all meds only last October. Could it be that it's still soon to see an improvement? I'm not sure I understand what meds you came off recently. I hope you get a window soon.

 

Just mirtazapine, it wasn't doing much anyways and I got off it no new issues. So benzos I've been off since end of March.

Yours was a great post Pushing on.  Confirmation that recovery does occur is validating, and assists so much.  This maze is unchatered.  Each case different. 

 

Wish more people who drop off this site would give their reasons.  No pressure.  Doesn't have to be a "Success Story" necessarily.  Just raw data.  How many members dropped off because they became well once more?  How many reinstated?  How many died?  If so, they should tell us.  🦉🙃. Only polite. 

 

I'm 9 months off Valium and can (only now) feel real improvement PTSDMiracle.  Psychologically, that is.  This ordeal has been traumatic.  And I had ptsd to begin.  Feel my brain beginning to reintegrate.  Able to think.  Memories, etc., now able to assess without fear.  I have set my own terms.  Terror,  no longer terrorising. 

 

I wouldn't despair at 10 months PTSD Miracle.  I know I have.  (I know, you know) it follows a non linear course, where huge improvement can take place in a very short time. 

 

Huge psychological leap forward (for me) in the space of a month.  And with this came the ability to act.  To follow through.  An almost impenetrable barrier between me and the world at hand.  DP/DR aside.  Frozen, freaked out, and fucked.  Freedom now.  Has to be. 

 

I've felt all of the symptoms you describe PTSDMiracle.  "Where the bee Sucks, there suck I". 

 

I'm beginning to reengage with life.  Very tentatively.  And it's fantastic.  I waiver. 

 

Impossible to do when going through the throes.  Ones whole brain feels shattered.  But, seems it

 

can change overnight.  Over breakfast.    Hope to continue. 

 

We have very little other than to keep the faith at the moment.  But as evidence mounts, articles of faith will have been exchanged for articles of evidence I hope.

 

Oops.  You are 8 months off, not 10.  My breakthrough came at beginning of 9th month.  Everyone is different.   

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yours was a great post Pushing on.  Confirmation that recovery does occur is validating, and assists so much.  This maze is unchatered.  Each case different. 

 

Wish more people who drop off this site would give their reasons.  No pressure.  Doesn't have to be a "Success Story" necessarily.  Just raw data.  How many members dropped off because they became well once more?  How many reinstated?  How many died?  If so, they should tell us.  🦉🙃. Only polite. 

 

I'm 9 months off Valium and can (only now) feel real improvement PTSDMiracle.  Psychologically, that is.  This ordeal has been traumatic.  And I had ptsd to begin.  Feel my brain beginning to reintegrate.  Able to think.  Memories, etc., now able to assess without fear.  I have set my own terms.  Terror,  no longer terrorising. 

 

I wouldn't despair at 10 months PTSD Miracle.  I know I have.  (I know, you know) it follows a non linear course, where huge improvement can take place in a very short time. 

 

Huge psychological leap forward (for me) in the space of a month.  And with this came the ability to act.  To follow through.  An almost impenetrable barrier between me and the world at hand.  DP/DR aside.  Frozen, freaked out, and fucked.  Freedom now.  Has to be. 

 

I've felt all of the symptoms you describe PTSDMiracle.  "Where the bee Sucks, there suck I". 

 

I'm beginning to reengage with life.  Very tentatively.  And it's fantastic.  I waiver. 

 

Impossible to do when going through the throes.  Ones whole brain feels shattered.  But, seems it

 

can change overnight.  Over breakfast.    Hope to continue. 

 

We have very little other than to keep the faith at the moment.  But as evidence mounts, articles of faith will have been exchanged for articles of evidence I hope.

 

Oops.  You are 8 months off, not 10.  My breakthrough came at beginning of 9th month.  Everyone is different.   

 

Dee

 

 

Dee I'm so glad you're feeling so much better.

You are going to heal and your brain will too, I remember crying to my husband the world looks so scary I didn't even want to be outside, I could hardly walk around the block, was terrified of everything and would honestly just cry for hours thinking the only way to end my suffering was suicide, I am SO glad I held on, I am 31 months off and about 80% healed and back to feeling a joy for life I thought was never going to come back. This sounds crazy now to me but I remember saying "I just wish I could go to the mall and care about shopping for new clothes" or I just wish I could look at a beautiful sunset and feel something other than fear, around 24 months out I felt pure joy for the first time in two years and I smiled while looking at the beautiful landscape of Colorado while on a road trip with my husband. I promise it all comes back and you will be so grateful you kept going, healing happens just distract yourself as much as possible and know that every day you are off these pills healing is happening

 

Wow ! What an incredible inspiring post .......... thank you for taking the time to write it as I’m sure your now just busy enjoying your life , it’s a wonderful thing for you to do and will encourage so many of us , it certainly has me ! At the moment I’d be satisfied with average but to actually feel joy and happiness would be such a blessing, I am sure it will come in time 👍

 

So happy for you .

 

PO

 

Songbird, so interesting to me that no one besides PO took the trouble to thank you for this post. No wonder recovered people don't come back very often....

 

You had a very hard time of it, and despite that you've always taken the time to encourage and comfort others (which, to me, already makes you a success at what matters most in life). At 18 months, I'm still in the thick of it and can really relate to what you went through. I'm grateful for your update and cannot wait to read your success story! Truly delighted for you, Songbird.

 

Wildflower

Following

Ptsd,

 

I'm so so sorry you're going through such a rough time.  It's so hard if not impossible to hold on to optimism when you feel just plain sh*$$y.  I understand wanting to just stay immobile and surrender when things feel so dark and bleak. 

 

I don't know what you're doing to take care of yourself but I firmly believe simple things we can do for ourselves can help our troubles feel just a little bit lighter.  Things like taking a walk around the block (if you don't feel ready to leave your house, there are indoor walking routines on youtube).  Drinking plenty of water. Eating a healthy diet. Staying away from alcohol, caffeine and refined sugar. Keeping a journal.  Please don't dismiss these simple things - truly they may make a difference for you.

 

I hope your burdens lift soon.  I wish you much, much healing.

BD

 

Thanks for this. I am doing as much as I can. Taking walks when I'm with family, I'm not eating anything unhealthy, no alcohol, meds, caffeine, sugar. I am doing everything "right" and have no added stress on top of benzo withdrawal, yet the symptoms are enough for me to not be able to cope and it's been a long window less year. I don't even know what windows are and so many people on here talk about it like it's part of the recovery process. For me it's been one long stretch of not moving symptoms that seem to point to permanent brain damage.