Discussion: Four Phases of Withdrawal-Where Are You?

I'm 3 years too, it's tough when it goes on this long I know. I'm probably phase 1 and half. Not acute but no windows, plenty waves and the occasional tsunami. My symptoms largely mental, hope you soon see improvement.

 

I am with you, friend. Right with you. I see your posts and I feel for you because I totally get it. Don't give up, okay? I won't either.

I’m getting good windows now and most of the waves are weak, healing happens ! Keep fighting

Hi Everybody,

 

To those of you who’ve written me PMs fearing you won’t heal because you aren’t having windows and waves, YOU WILL HEAL. 

 

For the first five years every day for me was a different version of shitty.  There were also levels of shitty.  Shitty, shittier and shittiest.  I never had a window.  Just dirty windshields with a lot of bird shit smeared under the wipers.

 

Windows and waves, or just a slow steady slog of barely noticeable improvements, are just different healing processes.  Your body does what’s best for you.  People used to feel sorry for me that I never got any windows.  I really don’t think I could have survived the cruel teases of the windows and waves healing mode. Getting all hopped up and hopeful after feeling well for two weeks that I’m almost there, only to get face-planted on the pavement the next day.  Lordy!  But we really don’t have a choice how we heal, do we?  What’s important is we all get to the same place.  The Hallelujah Healed Field!  So don’t get discouraged by looking at other people with windows, or how they describe how they’re feeling today, which could change on a dime tomorrow, or oh god they are doing better than me, or oh no I’m falling behind the pack!  I did all that, by the way.  All I gained from worrying was a racing heartbeat, manic ruminations, crushing anxiety and pounding tinnitus.  And now that I’m all healed up, I wish I hadn’t done that to myself. 

 

I know the reason I did it was the fear the excess cortisol creates. And it certainly doesn’t help that nobody can tell you “how much longer it will be till it’s over.”  Yeah, I asked that question a million times. Also, when you’re in the midst of withdrawal, and nobody can tell you when you’re going to heal, and when this madness will stop, you’re not sure it won’t go on forever.  That’s why I came back.  To tell you that you ALL will heal.  I don’t want you to be afraid you won’t heal because you will heal completely and beating yourself up is so unnecessary.

 

Please be kind to yourselves.  If you don’t feel like doing anything today, don’t.  Life will be waiting for you tomorrow.  Don’t put pressure on yourselves to move things along faster by trying things that probably won’t help you one bit.  Be a good passenger and let your body drive the car.  It knows how to get to the destination.  Just relax. I know how impossible that may sound to some of you.  I had akathesia 24/7 for the first year, pacing my backyard till my feet bled through my shoes. I couldn’t sit still and I couldn’t sleep, even though my body felt like dropping to the floor.  But it’s all over now.  I’m done.  I’m healed.  And you will be too. 

 

Sofa

 

Hi Sofa,

You are so thoughtful to take the time to encourage us. I’m so sorry that you suffered so greatly. But, I’m so glad you are on the other side.

 

I’m not sure what phase I am in, I suppose I’m between 1 and 2.

 

In May of last year,  I was having a lot of stress at work. My pdoc tried to start me on Lexapro and gave me .25 Xanax to help with the startup of the AD.  I only lasted a week on the lexapro as it gave me a bad reaction.

 

I called my pdoc and she advised me to stop the lexapro, and to “just keep taking the Xanax”.  I trusted her.  I had no idea it was poison.

 

I took the  . 25 Xanax 1x per day for a bout 2 1/2 months. I didn’t know anything about the drug and after taking it a few months,

I started having burning skin on my arms and scalp.  I began searching for answers. I thought it was hormones. I had bloodwork done 3 times, went to dermatologist, CT scan, all results good.

 

I finally started researching the  internet for side effects of Xanax. It was the Benzo chemical hurting my body and mind- poisoning me!

 

I learned from Benzo buddies that the  burning skin is an interdose withdrawal. My doc never warned me of the dangers of this horrible medication. I blame myself for not researching it before I took my first dose.

 

I’m very sensitive to meds, and as I started tapering, I had such great difficulty each time I reduced. I realized that I was probably paradoxical from the start and was  in a perpetual of tolerance withdrawals the whole time.

 

Each time I tried to reduce, my body screamed. After 4 months of trying to taper, I decided to go to detox to get it out of my system so my body could heal, which was basically like a CT.

 

It’s been almost 3 months  since detox. The burning scalp & skin and chemical anxiety are my worst symptoms. The burning scalp feels like hot lava being poured on your head, sometimes I get a stabbing pain like someone has poked me with a rose thorn. The burning skin on my arms, lower legs and shoulders is straight from the pit of hell.  I also use nylon ice packs.

 

All during my attempted taper I had very little sleep, awful panic attacks, trembling, pacing for hours on end and more.  It’s been brutal and has broken my spirit from the suffering.

 

I pray, meditate, listen to comforting music and read scriptures on healing. I’ve been down on my knees every day asking God for mercy, strength and healing.

 

My worst symptom is still the burning skin sensations on my body and head. It actually is worse now than ever before.  It concerns me that it doesn’t seem to be getting better. I don’t understand why it’s worse?  Do you know why it seems the be worse?

 

I’m having such a difficult time, discouraged. My spirit is broken because my healing has not yet come.  How I would love to be able to be in phase 4.  🙏

 

I truly hope to be able to have a success story like you.

Bless you!

I'm 3 years too, it's tough when it goes on this long I know. I'm probably phase 1 and half. Not acute but no windows, plenty waves and the occasional tsunami. My symptoms largely mental, hope you soon see improvement.

 

I am with you, friend. Right with you. I see your posts and I feel for you because I totally get it. Don't give up, okay? I won't either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just hard to stay positive when you go so long with so little improvement isn't it.. Just trying to believe the people that say we will all recover, and convince my brain it's true!

Jordan,

 

Although I didn’t have ALL your symptoms, I had many of them, and you probably didn’t have all of mine.  See, it doesn’t matter.  We deal with whatever we have and that changes in an instant.  This is hell, where there are no stones left unturned, no rules that can’t be broken, no body parts left unaffected.  It’s a free-for-all and nothing is “off the table.”  Anything can happen and the weirder the symptom, the more commonplace it is.  You are Alice and you’ve walked through the Looking Glass.

 

This forum is a place where you can feel “normal” in a world that is anything but.  These members who post their experiences and pour their hearts out every day validate what has happened to you.  Share your good days and bad days, ask for comfort and reassurance.  You will get it all, I promise you.  This is a loving community and it’s humbling to watch how total strangers wrap their arms around people in trouble at the moment.  It’s truly amazing when you get to witness human nature at its best.

 

I know you’re in pain.  This is temporary.  And very soon the pain will subside and you will be the strong one on the forum comforting someone who’s struggling today.

 

Count on it.  What reason would I have to lie to you or give you false hope?  Mcaveman is a member I was alongside for years on the Protracted board.  You saw what he just wrote.  He wanted to give you hope by telling you the truth as he knows it.  He’s feeling a lot better these days and he’s been through the wringer just like me.

 

We are lighting the way for the rest of you who aren’t where we are yet, but you are approaching.

 

Sofa

 

 

in the phase never healing

Have your symptoms not eased at all? I'm beginning to feel the same way. Think intrusive thoughts never going to go away. My physical symptoms have at least eased.

Jordan,

 

Although I didn’t have ALL your symptoms, I had many of them, and you probably didn’t have all of mine.  See, it doesn’t matter.  We deal with whatever we have and that changes in an instant.  This is hell, where there are no stones left unturned, no rules that can’t be broken, no body parts left unaffected.  It’s a free-for-all and nothing is “off the table.”  Anything can happen and the weirder the symptom, the more commonplace it is.  You are Alice and you’ve walked through the Looking Glass.

 

This forum is a place where you can feel “normal” in a world that is anything but.  These members who post their experiences and pour their hearts out every day validate what has happened to you.  Share your good days and bad days, ask for comfort and reassurance.  You will get it all, I promise you.  This is a loving community and it’s humbling to watch how total strangers wrap their arms around people in trouble at the moment.  It’s truly amazing when you get to witness human nature at its best.

 

I know you’re in pain.  This is temporary.  And very soon the pain will subside and you will be the strong one on the forum comforting someone who’s struggling today.

 

Count on it.  What reason would I have to lie to you or give you false hope?  Mcaveman is a member I was alongside for years on the Protracted board.  You saw what he just wrote.  He wanted to give you hope by telling you the truth as he knows it.  He’s feeling a lot better these days and he’s been through the wringer just like me.

 

We are lighting the way for the rest of you who aren’t where we are yet, but you are approaching.

 

Sofa

 

Thank you so much for your encouraging words Sofa.  I appreciate you responding and helping me. 

My spirit is so broken because it doesn't appear that I am healing. The burning pain is severe and there is little relief.

I'm 3 months post detox today, and am broken-hearted that I appear to be getting worse.

Do you know why I am worse?  I try to have hope and have been on my knees for so many months, asking for mercy.

I just don't know how I'm going to get through this.  Please let me know why things seem to be worse?

Thank you so much. Bless you.

At twenty three months I think I am getting close to exiting stage three!  At least that is what I hope and pray for.  I had an awful couple of months recently with many waves and several infections, but I have now been in a nice window for about three weeks.  This window does feel different, as many of my symptoms have simply disappeared and I am finally able to tolerate more foods and longer periods of exercise.  Previously I had issues with many different types of food, usually resulting in major GI issues.  And, if I walked for more than a few minutes, I would usually end up in a wave.  Now I am doing a floor stationary bike for up to 45 minutes, and exercising my arms for 15 or so minutes.  I am cautious though and make sure I have plenty of downtime reserved for resting and reading or meditating.  I still have an awful benzo belly, but can cover it up pretty well!  No more every day burning brain and tension type headaches, I sleep from seven to nine hours a night, no more drenching night sweats, I can do more household chores and cook every day, and finally, I just feel normal when I wake up and and when I go to bed.

 

I know I am feeling the healing, but will remain patient and give more time for the final window into a full recovery!

 

Hugs,

 

GG

Greetings to all of you my dear post.wh.buddies! 😍

My phases are not linear at all.

After 11 years on Ativan I made rapid tapering this Autumn and I passed through real hell, but only in the phase of the tapering about 2,3 months, was really morbid!

My only problems were Insomnia and OCD with depersonalization, but very severe, especially the OCD.

Physically I was perfect, heart, blood pressure everything was ideal, I was vital I was going at work even in the middle of the acute withdrawal without sleeping for many days but with the feeling that I'm not myself.

My real myself was so far away from me and is the worst feeling that I ever expirienced.

In those 2,3 months in the tapering I had very few windows when again I was feeling myself but only for a few minutes and the OCD was constant and exhausting treated me that my sexuality and whole myself will change and pushing me in cheking and rumination non stop.

I didn't eat at all, a two pieces bread and cream per day and 3 boxes of cigarettes per day of course. Before the tapering I was smoking 10 cigarettes per day maximum and now I was not enough with 3 boxes!

Even at work I was going out every 10 minutes on cigarette.

2 months without sleeping nearly at all, cigarettes and ruminating were my only things that I knew it. And the biggest pain in my soul that I ever expirienced.

I couldn't recognise my parents, my husband my friends.. My emotions that make whole my life were locked somewhere..

Immediately after the jumping I expirienced amazing release, literally in one night I came back to myself, the depersonalization gone, the OCD lost the intensity and I started to sleep very well.

The 3 months being off were magical.. I was never better in whole my life till a few days ago when I had a fight with my husband and the next day I entered in the phase 2.

So is not linear for me.

After the phase 1 in the acute withdrawal of my rapid tapering I went the next day in phase 4 when I jumped. At least like that was the feeling for me..

And now after 3 months being off, from phase 4 I went to phase 2...

Not linear at all but is not that intensive like the phase 1 and at least I understand my symptoms now.. That's very good.

 

 

At twenty three months I think I am getting close to exiting stage three!  At least that is what I hope and pray for.  I had an awful couple of months recently with many waves and several infections, but I have now been in a nice window for about three weeks.  This window does feel different, as many of my symptoms have simply disappeared and I am finally able to tolerate more foods and longer periods of exercise.  Previously I had issues with many different types of food, usually resulting in major GI issues.  And, if I walked for more than a few minutes, I would usually end up in a wave.  Now I am doing a floor stationary bike for up to 45 minutes, and exercising my arms for 15 or so minutes.  I am cautious though and make sure I have plenty of downtime reserved for resting and reading or meditating.  I still have an awful benzo belly, but can cover it up pretty well!  No more every day burning brain and tension type headaches, I sleep from seven to nine hours a night, no more drenching night sweats, I can do more household chores and cook every day, and finally, I just feel normal when I wake up and and when I go to bed.

 

I know I am feeling the healing, but will remain patient and give more time for the final window into a full recovery!

 

Hugs,

 

GG

Wow this is so awesome! I’m so happy for you! Hopefully I’m right behind you as I’ve had several improvements too in the past 2 weeks. Slow and easy is what I’m doing…the same as you. Soon you’ll be writing your success story.

Hi Warrior,

 

“ I have symptoms that don't fall into the normal categories even on here so that perpetuates all the fear...”

 

Wanna bet?  I could use the extra money.  Ha!

 

Seriously, Warrior, none of us gets all the 322 reported symptoms Ashton named.  But I did manage to amass 130 or so.  They may not be your symptoms, but they are no more, or no less, dire than yours. They are just symptoms of something really good going on—healing and rebalancing your gaba and cortisol.  Think of the scales ⚖️ of justice.  Right now your scales are uneven.  With time and a lot of hard work on your body’s part, those scales of yours get level.  All your symptoms related to the imbalance will go away.  If you had a prior illness or condition before withdrawal, you may still have that to contend with, or maybe not.  I’ve known people with lifetime allergies who had no more allergies when their recovery was complete.  I’ve known people who got gobsmacked by menopause and had no more symptoms related to menopause when they healed.  See, your body is healing everything, things that you didn’t even realize were heading south.  This is a complete remodel going on.  As much as it sucks, embrace the healing and the symptoms.  Something really good is about to happen to you and you will not regret a minute of all the pain you went through.  That’s how good you are going to feel. 

 

You are three years off and you don’t feel well.  You are discouraged because you have seen no improvement.  That’s exactly how I felt at your timeframe off.  It wasn’t until about five years that my healing started picking up steam where I could actually “feel the healing.”  It’s hard to be patient.  It’s hard to keep hope alive.  But, when you have no other choice, you do what you need to do to survive.

 

What I am here to tell you is that you will not merely survive this.  Survival is no way to live!  You will THRIVE.  You will feel better than you did in your 30s because you were forced to eat nothing but healthy whole foods for years.  You’ll be full of energy.  My grandkids can’t keep up with me!  You will have no pain whatsoever.  Your body fixed what was headed south.  In the middle of a crisis, you’ll be the only calm person in the room because nobody but you truly knows what hell is.  The rest life has to throw at you is child’s play next to this.

 

So wipe your tears.  Shrug off the fear and shout “STOP STOP STOP.”  Start every morning with the silliest of phrases:  “I’m going to have a great day today.”  Because you WILL. 

 

You are healthy.  You are strong.  Nobody you know could go through what you’re going through.  Just like your name. You’re a WARRIOR.

 

Sofa

 

This is great! Thanks for sharing Sofakingdone

Sinking fast phase, up s**t creek.

Hi Judy, this is Sheri - the woman from Michigan who sent you the ponchos.  :-)  I wanted to  thank you for this post.  You are so great at being encouraging!  I've wondered how you are doing and so happy to hear you are continuing to get better and do well.  There are phrases/ideas that you told me in the past that have stuck with me. 

 

Although this past year has been significantly better for me overall, at 5.3 years I find myself in an intense wave with new (what??) symptoms. I will continue to read your posts about staying calm and hopeful.

 

You give so much to the community. THANK YOU for being so generous, kind and encouraging.  XOXOXO

Sofa

 

So what do you think for those that like me who are alone and have no support and don’t have 4 more years to wait it out and give it time? I am in the verge of losing everything.  Waiting around is not an option.

 

U

 

 

You don't have bad mental symptoms now, probably doesn't feel like it but could be worse. Mental symptoms  destroying me. Sorry you don't have any support. Even with support life still hell.

Sofa

 

So what do you think for those that like me who are alone and have no support and don’t have 4 more years to wait it out and give it time? I am in the verge of losing everything.  Waiting around is not an option.

 

U

 

We have all been in your shoes.  None of us has the luxury of waiting around until it’s over.  So we do as much as we can do, given how we feel that day.  You will find that you can do more as time goes on.  In the meantime, you deal with the symptoms as best you can.  As you have heard many times, there is no magic bullet to make everything disappear in an instant.  There is nothing you can do to speed up the healing process.  If there were such a thing, trust me, somebody would have found it by now.

 

Sofa

Hi Warrior,

 

“ I have symptoms that don't fall into the normal categories even on here so that perpetuates all the fear...”

 

Wanna bet?  I could use the extra money.  Ha!

 

Seriously, Warrior, none of us gets all the 322 reported symptoms Ashton named.  But I did manage to amass 130 or so.  They may not be your symptoms, but they are no more, or no less, dire than yours. They are just symptoms of something really good going on—healing and rebalancing your gaba and cortisol.  Think of the scales ⚖️ of justice.  Right now your scales are uneven.  With time and a lot of hard work on your body’s part, those scales of yours get level.  All your symptoms related to the imbalance will go away.  If you had a prior illness or condition before withdrawal, you may still have that to contend with, or maybe not.  I’ve known people with lifetime allergies who had no more allergies when their recovery was complete.  I’ve known people who got gobsmacked by menopause and had no more symptoms related to menopause when they healed.  See, your body is healing everything, things that you didn’t even realize were heading south.  This is a complete remodel going on.  As much as it sucks, embrace the healing and the symptoms.  Something really good is about to happen to you and you will not regret a minute of all the pain you went through.  That’s how good you are going to feel. 

 

You are three years off and you don’t feel well.  You are discouraged because you have seen no improvement.  That’s exactly how I felt at your timeframe off.  It wasn’t until about five years that my healing started picking up steam where I could actually “feel the healing.”  It’s hard to be patient.  It’s hard to keep hope alive.  But, when you have no other choice, you do what you need to do to survive.

 

What I am here to tell you is that you will not merely survive this.  Survival is no way to live!  You will THRIVE.  You will feel better than you did in your 30s because you were forced to eat nothing but healthy whole foods for years.  You’ll be full of energy.  My grandkids can’t keep up with me!  You will have no pain whatsoever.  Your body fixed what was headed south.  In the middle of a crisis, you’ll be the only calm person in the room because nobody but you truly knows what hell is.  The rest life has to throw at you is child’s play next to this.

 

So wipe your tears.  Shrug off the fear and shout “STOP STOP STOP.”  Start every morning with the silliest of phrases:  “I’m going to have a great day today.”  Because you WILL. 

 

You are healthy.  You are strong.  Nobody you know could go through what you’re going through.  Just like your name. You’re a WARRIOR.

 

Sofa

 

Thank you soooo much for these encouraging words just when I needed them. 

You are a beautiful person for sharing so much hope and love.

God bless you.

 

Praying for all here in BB. May God help us all.

 

 

BUMP!

I think I’m in an in between stage. I’m still in phase 2 with a definite pattern of waves and windows. Even having periods of rapid cycling. But I’m very sensitive to doing anything. Just taking a short walk will send me into an immediate wave. I’m in a dilemma of do I push through doing things anyway or not?

If certain smells are around, I go into a wave as well. So I guess I have my foot in the door of phase 3- sensitive phase.

 

Happy healing to everyone!

Lady Den, my twin sister.  I think I'm in the similar realm as you. I'm definitely in Phase 2 but I can smell Phase 3.

I was looking at the possible triggers for waves in Phase 3 and one I would add is outside viruses.  Every time I catch any sort of bug, I get ALL the WD symptoms raining down on me. 

Glad to hear you're somewhat progressing ladies, though I hope it speeds up for you!

 

I think I may be either recovered or nearing recovery. It's been 107 days since the end of my last wave, which was an isolated week long wave after 5 weeks of window.

 

Still mild tinnitus and ever milder anxiety. Still a little traumatised I think- I fear doing certain things. But I'm getting there. I'm hoping adding mirtazapine on monday will be the final step.

Acute phase. for 3 weeks now almost. this shit hard as f

Glad to hear you're somewhat progressing ladies, though I hope it speeds up for you!

 

I think I may be either recovered or nearing recovery. It's been 107 days since the end of my last wave, which was an isolated week long wave after 5 weeks of window.

 

Still mild tinnitus and ever milder anxiety. Still a little traumatised I think- I fear doing certain things. But I'm getting there. I'm hoping adding mirtazapine on monday will be the final step.

Absolutely fabulous! Wow I’m so happy for you, Hurricane!

I was looking at the possible triggers for waves in Phase 3 and one I would add is outside viruses.  Every time I catch any sort of bug, I get ALL the WD symptoms raining down on me.

Yep anything especially your body fighting an invader can cause upticks in waves. I agree.