I am getting worse each day

I am so sorry I am being a nuisance but I am in such a state  and I don't know what to do

 

I have tapered  the valium so carefully but at the end my percentage cut is very high  .

 

However I have tapered for the second time after the hospital updose for 14 months from 4mg valium and I know this drug must go ,

 

Many will have stopped at the dose I am at, which today is 0.12mgs valium and I am trying to continue down to zero over 12 days,  but I am beyond words to describe how bad this is, and Christmas coming.

 

Is there any sense at all in trying to hold at 0.1mg of valium?

 

I really cannot go back up, I need to be free but this is pure torture, I have been tapering at about .25mgs a month though this last bit has been over 25 days for .25mgs, 

 

I so want to be free and give my body a chance to heal, but how do deal with this?  It's so cruel

 

My body is giving up on me from all the months of taper, I need to be clear somehow  just want a bit more advice, 

 

I know I am being a pest  but it's hard at my great age,  I have little reserve in me

 

I am trying to do this with no supplements or other psychotropic drugs since a year last September when given 1 x10mgs of celexa in the hospital which I reacted so badly to, , other than that the  last drug was mirtazapine for a week  a year last July , Valium is all since then

 

I think I just need to know what others think as I am lost , I need a chance to survive . No one can say this is a fast taper but maybe the antibiotics I have had to take for infections during the last 4 months  have made things even harder,

 

I know my previous post is similar  just a bit desperate for advice though this last part

 

Can you help please , if only words or encouragement 

At the end of my taper, I felt so bad.  Even when I held at tiny amounts, it did very little.  The amount you are talking about, .1mg of valium, is very small.  When I tapered down, I held a few times on ridiculously small doses.  Did it help?  Maybe?  Or maybe it just dragged out my suffering, cause I felt pretty awful the first three months off benzos as well.  Honestly, I think you are going to feel poorly for a while, even if you hold.  Just my opinion.  But if it were me, I would just finish the taper and be done with it. 

Oh thank you so much for replying it really does mean so much . I cannot believe it can be this hard after tapering for so long, I know I need to give my body a chance but this turmoil is horrendous, I don't know if it has been made worse by my age or the antibiotics or this is how it is for some.

I feel as if I am going mad. I is so bad.

I cannot think holding at this stage would do much but desperation is making wonder what to do . I had hoped this slow taper would help, but seems not. I get free or I don't but staying on valium at my age is not an option, 

 

Thank you so much

 

Jen

I think if you are not stable during taper there is no way to avoid the bad acute symptoms.

Unfortunately I think you just have to go through it and hope it doesn’t last for too many months before things start to ease a bit.

Xxx

At the end of my taper, I felt so bad.  Even when I held at tiny amounts, it did very little.  The amount you are talking about, .1mg of valium, is very small.  When I tapered down, I held a few times on ridiculously small doses.  Did it help?  Maybe?  Or maybe it just dragged out my suffering, cause I felt pretty awful the first three months off benzos as well.  Honestly, I think you are going to feel poorly for a while, even if you hold.  Just my opinion.  But if it were me, I would just finish the taper and be done with it.

 

absolutely agree with GreenCup - when I hold for too long, I do not feel better as time goes on but I do feel better the lower my dose gets, so I cut again. I feel like crap for about 4 days and then start to feel a bit better but never do I actually feel good.

Can't imagine that the tiny amount you're taking is doing anything but making sure benzo is in your system. If you can bear it, perhaps it's time to stop.

I think if you are not stable during taper there is no way to avoid the bad acute symptoms.

Unfortunately I think you just have to go through it and hope it doesn’t last for too many months before things start to ease a bit.

Xxx

 

 

Thank you so much Ajusta, . you are probably right,  just this is beyond bad, I feel as if I have done a Cold turkey, I really do think  that the Antibiotics I had little choice in taking  have pushed me into some sort of acute state, I know that penicillins can knock gaba receptors back and I have had to have two of them  plus Macrobid,  I feel I have wasted the many months of a slow taper when I have got so run down, I am developing new infections all the time , I now have one on my eyelid and am trying to avoid topical antibiotics so sterile water an sterile wipes is all I dare risk , 

I don't know how to deal with my brain being sandpapered , panic and terror gone crazy. waves of adrenalin, of whatever is causing this. My body cannot take much more now, I should have tapered faster but I thought I was doing the right thing, I left it so long I have no resistance left to infection and such a massive weightloss, I can only go though what ever it throws at me now I guess and hope at my age I can still heal,  too many things in my past  I don't know  Thank you though. I  know how you struggle too

Would Tea tree oil help eyelid or is it on inside of eyelid?

 

Not sure if teatree is ok in WD but perhaps you could check?

 

If it is and is on outside of eyelid you might want to dilute it.

 

You could ask if other ppl have found it helpful and safe.

 

I am in complete mess as you know and still n 0.6mgs Clonazepam which is equivalent to 12mgs diazepam which is more than a I was on for 20 years and symptoms are horrific.

 

 

At the end of my taper, I felt so bad.  Even when I held at tiny amounts, it did very little.  The amount you are talking about, .1mg of valium, is very small.  When I tapered down, I held a few times on ridiculously small doses.  Did it help?  Maybe?  Or maybe it just dragged out my suffering, cause I felt pretty awful the first three months off benzos as well.  Honestly, I think you are going to feel poorly for a while, even if you hold.  Just my opinion.  But if it were me, I would just finish the taper and be done with it.

 

absolutely agree with GreenCup - when I hold for too long, I do not feel better as time goes on but I do feel better the lower my dose gets, so I cut again. I feel like crap for about 4 days and then start to feel a bit better but never do I actually feel good.

Can't imagine that the tiny amount you're taking is doing anything but making sure benzo is in your system. If you can bear it, perhaps it's time to stop.

 

 

 

Thank you , yes I cannot imagine it is doing anything, but when I try to not take the morning dose thinking I can stop  I end up in such a state by lunch time,  and have to take the tiny drop  so I don't know as I am in a bad way anyway.

 

I truly feel the antibiotics have caused a massive reaction and all my taper has been a waste,  I have had so much recently .

 

I don't know what else I can do in that case but try to survive it,  Just heartbreaking after tapering for endless months . I am glad that you are feeling better as you lower the dose,  I found I did not improve whatever but now this is so very hard, 

It kind of you to care, really support is all anyone could ask at this stage, Other survive even a Cold turkey so I have to take what comes somehow,  just terrified and without sleep for so long, It's hard when you are old

Baylissa has mentioned Coloidal Silver instead of antibiotics but no idea if it actually works.

for the eyelid thing, I find that Cliradex works for me.

thank so much for the suggestion re the eye infection, 

 

I am not able to buy the Cliradex here  at least not at affordable prices as it's an import,  but it does look like something that would help .

 

Ajusta, thank you for trying  so hard to find an answer, I think there are wipes with teatree in but contain a lot of other chemicals I have some oil but even dilute I would be wary putting it so close to my eye,

 

As for the colloidal silver again not good near the eye, I don't know how it would work for other infections,

 

Thank you for your kindness

Thank you my friend

 

I have a  phone appointment with the Doctor in the morning, I cannot go on this way.

 

I do not know what they can do or say as  I cannot take an SSRI  and I struggled with Mirtazapine

 

I have tried my best to do this without supplements of any kind since the one week of Mirtazapine last July,

 

I cannot go on though so desperately ill

 

I have tried a 10mg tablet of propranolol and very tired and sick , but adrenalin down , Not good though as I am utterly exhausted ,

 

I hope that I can be helped or I wont survive

 

I have tapered to 0.11mg of valium and since the  antibiotics  , 3 different ones for infections I have gone down extremely fast, I feel I am in a Cold turkey situation now after many months of a long debilitating taper from 4mgs of valium,

 

I do not know what they can do but at this point anything at all that will save my life, 

 

Sorry everyone

 

Jen

i am sorry. i know how you are feeling, i am older,too. and the tapering isn't as easy for me as maybe for younger ones.  i am also afraid of antibiotics as they do my head in and set me back.  how old are you, pleease? if you would like to message me, maybe we could be friends.  i am all alone in this, no help from anyone, but, the Good Lord above>  i have no close friends or family.  i am having a hard time tapering eveen slowly.  so sorry for you and all of us.  i wish i was at a dose where i could jump off. i think i would .  but, i am still on too much.   going so slow in this water taper.  do you have cognitive impairment?  that's my worst symptom.

Oh dear Lord, so much suffering. Please help us all!

Dear Jen,

I'm so sorry for your suffering, for which I can truly empathize.  Keep going - you are almost there and done - just another 12 days now and the finish line is in sight.  I am at 6.5 mg after crossing over from K and am reducing now by a measly .01 mg per day.  Is it the right thing for me?  I do not know but you are aware of my acute state on Klonopin taper.  Some of the horrid symptoms, such as severe noise sensitivity, are coming back while tapering again.

 

So many of us wish that we would have done things differently.  For some, it's just about survival.  If you had went faster and crashed, you would have regretted doing that.  For so many of us, it's just a guessing game with this unpredictable poison......we were never warned of the consequences and the suffering is immense.  Hang on, though as you are almost there and you will survive this!  You are about to  be on the other side where the true healing will happen.  I know you are in your 70s but let me tell you - this crap doesn't seem to discriminate.  Here I am at age 41 suffering terribly with 7 kids and a husband, still with quite some time to go. 

 

Hugs from across the ocean, dear friend.  JUST! HANG! ON!

Such kindness here . Oh my I am so low and in need of a hug tonight ,shaking and crying, I need to get through somehow

 

I am just tired I guess,  I have at last been granted a script for melatonin which will arrive in the post,

 

You cannot buy it over the counter here, and on line it has other additions,

 

My Doctor wont prescribe but the psychiatrist said she would after saying no before,

 

She decided to do a little research and now thinks it might help with a little sleep . I need something  for sure

 

The days are hard a sleep is needed to recover if only now and then

 

I will be glad of that,  though I have tried to do this without supplements of any kind

 

I am tired dear friends, 

 

A heartfelt thank you , I will try to let it carry me forward, 

 

It means so much

 

Jen

Don’t know where you are bit have a friend who gets L-Tryptophan from shrink in U.K. which is supposed to be better than melatonin.

Thank you Ajusta, I am in the UK ,  I am so afraid of trying anything I must admit, I feel so messed up as it is.

 

I try my best to give my brain a chance to find  a way forward but it's hard, 

 

I thought this tiny dose would be easy to remove but seems not,  Probably if I tapered the speed my brain accepted I would never get off it,  so I have to keep going and  get free and see what happens, Bristol say I will heal that all they deal with are like me at the end and I wont improve till off and then  I will start to heal . Got to try but I am so scared 

 

Right on Christmas oh well so be it.

 

Today the numbness and tinnitus are so bad, I wish it would ease down, Maybe after a night's rest , if not sleep,  Tomorrow the cycle starts again, but eventually it will ease,  I have to take that risk and hope if I stay clear of everything I can and will recover.

 

How are you doing? 

 

 

Unfortunately O think it is best not to take anything at all and you just have to go through acute.

 

Hopefully it will ease in a few months for you.

 

Are you able to listen to audiobooks at all.

 

If so those at night might help with getting though each night, distracting and tinnitus?

 

Before my dystonia and c fracture got really bad and had to reinstate I was doing that to try to get through the nights of terror and I do nia.

 

Cog stuff got so bad couldn’t follow then so was just listening to same bits over and over.

Hang in there, you are so close to being off! I am older too, 52, and struggling to reduce at all. I am in awe of your strength and the strength of all here in getting through this. ❤️

 

Momof7babes, how is your crossover going? You are getting there as well!!

 

Hugs,

Sun🌻

So sorry you are going through this...I totally understand the horrid and frightening and relentless sx….I messed up a couple months ago and it through me into acute and I am still almost incapacitated. Yesterday I told God if I was going to die then just do it now or heal me. I am still here....so guess death isn't coming...just feels like it. The good news is that at least you are almost done...and I think just psychologically being done will be a mental boost and maybe give you some internal/ mental momentum and hope...you are about to cross the finish line and that is AMAZING and the goal of the taper...maybe you will heal from this faster than you think once done :-) BIG HUGS!

Hey Jen..

 

Must say, im pretty impressed, -esp considering you tapered from a “reaction” position, and the ups n downs of the early days...

Dont start second guessing the “what ifs” now... -and fwiw, going from when you bit the bullet and pushed on, you have probably walked the fine line as best as anyone could have...

 

As to holding, I suspect in your case it would take a very long time to feel little or no viable advantage, as opposed to continuing on at your current(ish) pace.. I hope this isnt prescriptive, but its my thoughts..

I really hope you get a break soon, there is no doubt you have earned it..!!

 

For your eye, were it me, I would probs reach for Lucas Papaw Ointment, depending on the exact location/situation.. I used it sparingly when the corners of my eyes got raw from the sleep discharge which was a bit “corrosive”... Too much did run into my eye a bit, but I dabbed it out with a wet cloth and it worked a treat... -Just a suggestion to consider though...

 

Cheering you on to the finish line and beyond...

 

Jen, you have shown great strength, courage and tenacity in this fight!  You are at the end and your body will find its way through this bumpy patch. I fully understand your fear and pain for the end of my taper was much the same and the only thing that “helped” me  was to just keep on going.

Just wanted to pass along much care and compassion ((()))

Thank you so much everybody. I really am so very low and worn down now, I can almost believe I am in acute anyway at this dose. Today will be .09mgs.

 

I am tired , too long doing this , my ears are horrendous, and I deeply depressed, but cannot take AD's at least not SSRI's and the Doctor wont prescribe others ,

 

Infections keep hitting, I really wish I had some fight left, so many symptoms, the numbness in hands , and one foot,  my face mouth and lips is horrible and never goes,

 

The terror and fear , fight or flight is bad and is all day every day with a slight drop in the evening but back again by morning,

 

My body is giving up and really not sure what to do next, I have spoken with the Doctor and she can offer nothing  just getting or the valium , She said my blood test in August was ok so she is not concerned,

 

I will have to hope that my body picks up soon, but guess there is a way to go. I have 9 days to zero, not that it really matters ,I doubt this drop of milk is doing anything, just a psychological crutch ,

 

I feel I spent too long tapering for only 3-4 months use of valium and tapering ,16 months in total , too long,

 

My body is giving up I know,  but it may pick up when off and acute is over?

 

Everyone is so caring, it is making me cry, Oh  I do wish my ears would be quiet, screeching and hissing as well as droning, I can't hear any else,  My hearing aid cannot cope, so my world is one long noise now,

 

Love you all for your care

 

Jen

You might talk to your Dr. about beta blockers-specifically proppranolol (not chlonodine)-it helps with adrenaline rushes and anxiety...I did some for awhile and it did help. It has no dependence issues either (I know because I did an exhaustive search before putting any in my body. Just a thought as maybe a little help over the hump. You WILL be ok...you are so much closer now than 16 months ago...always worse before the dawn and never stop a minute before the miracle. Neighbor Bob on you tube has a great video about this...he was in CT hell for 17 months and then one day he woke up and it was a lot better....hugs!!!