Encouragement, please.

This if my FOURTH occasion of benzo-dependence. I went the conventional route 28 years ago in a 30-day snake pit facility in upstate NY. I thought this was going to be like a 30-day spa treatment.

Not!

Over the years, other occasions of benzo use have cropped up. I've been able to work successfully with water titration, but perhaps my last taper was too fast, as I came off 4-6 mg. Valium over a four month period.

Zero use lasted for six months.

Then my son became deathly ill. His request for assistance with medical leave was met with wrongful termination. This was from a big job out-of-the-country, and has been such a shock -- he is still in shock, and the complications of trying to get animals and belongings returned home (in addition to other matters legal and financial too long to go into), put me over the edge so badly, I resumed use of Valium in November of last year -- and now, a year later, I'm working with what -- for me -- has been a difficult taper.

This is unrelenting. When my son is home with me, it's worse.

I've gone through a breast cancer surgery. I've changed jobs. My new place of work is adversarial. I am in the very real danger of losing my teaching position in public education, our home is in forbearance, I need to find a new home and get moved ... somehow ... all while also trying to shore up my son who will probably show up any day now. He's been living like a homeless person pulling a suitcase on wheels and hauling backpacks around between NYC, Washington D.C. and the Harvard campus trying to find resolution to a huge problem and his own issues of loss, which I can't even begin to describe.

If I were to say, "It's been killing me," this would not be an exaggeration.

Just looking for some encouragement, please!

I am now ... slowly getting acclimated to 4 mg. Valium a day, after occasions when I've taken 6-18 mg. a day because I just couldn't bear to be awake.

Again ... just looking for encouragment, and believe in the next week or so -- once my body gets used to the 4 mg/day -- I'll start the titration in 300 mL of water, and removing 1 mL a day.

It seems so tedious ... and with so many stressors, and an absence of support, I'm afraid I won't make it.

I'm also wondering -- for those of you/us who've chosen to be unconscious (and bedridden!) instead of living -- how we make that adjustment of dealing with long days of open hours each day that previously we slept through.

What do do, when one feels like doing nothing? How have YOU coped? And while I've told my son, "Please stop ... I can't take anymore ...  should I flat out tell him , and that his troubles have resulted in my relapse into benzo use? Or ... perhaps that would just add to his drama ...

SO hard being a mama with a child so in need of support, and so seemingly unable to think straight himself. SO hard watching his physical ruin, the destruction of a 10-year international career, and accompanying financial ruin and despair.

SO hard being a mama who just can't mother anymore.

Encouragment, please ...

xo, T.

For the sake of our membership, all references to self harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on the following link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self Harm and Ideation - Revised Policy

Dear TEMMIE

My heart goes out to you, I know it’s very hard being a mama, but your doing the best you can.  I am so sorry for what you have gone through  breast cancer surgery, that must have been so traumatic.  You are a fighter, you have come through withdrawal before and you will again.  There is definitely a light at the end of this tunnel. It’s difficult to see it right now because everything seems so dark and hopeless but I promise you, it will get better.

Try not to look at the bigger picture, take it hour by hour if you need to, that’s how I got through it.  You will eventually recover from this experience.  You have to keep getting up,  put one foot in front of the other, and just exist for now…you are going to win this benzo battle.

Your life is precious, what you are feeling is temporary.  If you feel you are a danger to yourself then what you need right now is on the ground help, you must get face to face help, or go to your nearest emergency room. 

We care about you and we want you to be safe.

I am leaving a link to the resources page:

Suicide, Self-harm Resources

Magrita

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That is so much to have on your plate during withdrawal. I don't want to tell you what to do, but I do want to share with you what I did. Maybe you can relate to some of it.

I had similar problems with my adult son during my withdrawal. The Xanax taper made me super sensitive to his problems. He was in a bad place in his life, had crashed and burned, and was living with me. And he was behaving very badly. Eventually, he moved out. He fell on his face. I helped him get back up but did not let him back home. (Not that he asked.) I couldn't help him financially, I can barely support myself. But I pointed him to resources that helped him stand on his own. He also made connections to other people besides me.

My message to him was, "You can do this. You're going to make it. One day at a time. But I can't have you living with me because I'm too ill." (What I was actually thinking was not nearly that magnanimous.)

I decided not tell him how his behavior was affecting my taper or the real depths of the despair I was in. He was hurting too much himself to bear that.

He eventually pulled himself together. It was a slow process. But, you know, for his dignity as a young man, it was good that he stood on his own two feet while he did that.

I did my long hold. I stabilized. I finished my taper. Things are so much better between us now.

Withdrawal can be hell on earth. We think we can't do it. We think we won't get better. Those are benzo lies. Don't believe them! There are better days ahead.

Gardie