CPTSD vs. Benzo Withdrawal

I've been listening to a book about PTSD based on another member's suggestion. I've only listened to the first chapter so far where the author talks about Vietnam vets that he has worked with. People going through, including myself, share a lot of similarities and therefore the lines get blurred over what is what. Here are some of the things the book said that resonated with me.

 

1. The war vets only want to talk about their traumatic experience much like people going through benzo withdrawal only want to talk about their experience with benzos and symptoms.

 

2. War vets feel lots of anger. I have been experiencing unfounded anger for a long time now.

 

3. War vets have a very difficult time connecting with loved ones once they have returned from combat and experienced something traumatic. I think we can all relate to that one.

 

Those were just a few takeaways so far.

Yep, yep, yep.  I got myself diagnosed with PTSD during benzo withdrawal and I have no traumas that I know of.  My therapist said it could be from just the withdrawal itself. 

I was also diagnosed during acute withdrawal with ptsd, although I may have had it before taking benzos too so I believe I do have ptsd. It's just hard to figure out what's causing what right now.

I'm wondering if the experience itself, like you said Greencup, has given me PTSD. The anger set in around 11 months after the c/t. It sort of started to slip itself in and replaced the heavy depression. But I was having the intrusive thoughts before that. 

I definitely got PTSD from the last major setback I had that felt like the the first acute phase, only twice as bad and twice as long. I think there's a lot of confusion between the two because they both have so many similar symptoms, but I absolutely think it's possible to have both. I certainly feel that way. Benzo WD stress triggers are a lot like PTSD triggers too. I will say that over time, the worst parts of WD have started to feel like a bad dream for me. Even though I've had too many symptoms to count and they've all done so much damage, I feel like my brain is starting to lock them away in a place that keeps them safe from deeply affecting me for the rest of my life. Maybe it's because I've focused so much on distraction as a means to heal. I know it gets thrown around a lot on this forum, but I very strongly feel that distraction has accelerated my healing.

From what I've heard and seen is that yes, you maybe suffering some level of PTSD during the withdrawal process but it doesn't stay around after withdrawal has ended. It is not really similar where War Vets relive over and over the trauma of war where they hear a "bang" (maybe a car backfire or door slamming etc etc) in civilian life and relive the bombs or gunfire of war. From all the survivors of withdrawal that are now healed I haven't heard any say that they relive the trauma of withdrawal anymore. In fact many go on to say their lives are better than ever. So it sort of debunks the whole PTSD from withdrawal thing. Don't get me wrong this shit is cruel and ferocious but PTSD afterwards just doesn't happen.

Flashbacks are only one symptoms of PTSD, not everyone who has it experiences them. You're absolutely right about those who write their success stories, that their lives are sometimes better than ever. But would someone who came off these meds and had ptsd write a success story? There's just such a wide variety of reactions. Hard to tease out the differences between different mental traumas.

I'm pretty sure I've developed Ptsd from this, I've had 2 strokes as a result of bwd (verified by Dr's), the most recent one 3 months ago took my vision. Everytime i recount my wd experience to the docs who are trying to clear up this cascade of medical negligence i become very agitated and tearful. I will never be free from remembering bwd, i will still live it long after it finally ends due to the fact that my impaired vision and other bwd induced health issues are not going to disappear and will be a permanent reminder of the hell i went through. So saying, i think Ptsd can coexist with bwd, i don't think it's as black and white as either/or.

I've got PTSD x1000 from the damage from these drugs.

The book I'm listening to is called Your Body Keeps the Score. I've gotten about three hours into this book on audible and it's a 16 hour book. So far, it has presented a lot of research about people who have undergone trauma and how the brain responds to trauma. The goal of the author is to get people to live their life again and be in the moment. This is really the first book that has resonated with me and I've read a lot of self-help books.

 

One of the author's clients often picked her skin in order to feel something. I have been doing that for years prior to benzo use. I would pick my acne in high school and pull out my eyebrows. In adulthood, I would often pick at my beard or the top of my head until a scab would be formed and then I would pick at the scab repeatedly. I always assumed it was just a nervous habit. I'm wondering if it's from trauma.

 

Right now the author has just explained a lot of the symptoms of PTSD and they align pretty well with what I've felt since going off benzos. Anger. Loss of feelings. No joy. Disconnectedness. The list goes on. I hope he gets into strategies soon. He mentioned massage which I've already tried.

I had kept a diary when I was in w/d from lexapro which lasted almost 2 years. I'd forgotten about it (lucky) but my partner found it yesterday and read part of it to me. It was horrendous. Keep a diary. Look at it 6 months or a year later. In my case, I found that I was getting better but at the time I was in hell and couldn't see a way out. Our brains work to protect us and it does become just a memory which you think about less and less.

Like any injury, it hurts like hell when it happens and when you're in the middle of it but you eventually don't think about it anymore.

Messedupbyrx

 

What were the gradual changes you experienced over the course of the two years recovering from lexapro withdrawal? I know things are at least slightly better than they were a year ago. My sleep is much better than it was a year ago at this time. My crazy depression has turned primarily into anger. I wake up with anger about everything and feel such disorientation all the time. My vision has not improved and I still feel so disconnected from everyone and everything.

Messedupbyrx

 

What were the gradual changes you experienced over the course of the two years recovering from lexapro withdrawal? I know things are at least slightly better than they were a year ago. My sleep is much better than it was a year ago at this time. My crazy depression has turned primarily into anger. I wake up with anger about everything and feel such disorientation all the time. My vision has not improved and I still feel so disconnected from everyone and everything.

 

Did I ever recover? I think the symptoms like the extreme anger and depression lifted so slowly and it was a very long recovery. I started to have days where my brain actually functioned - didn't go around in a complete haze. My sleep has never returned to pre antidepressant/ pre benzo levels but a year after quitting Lexapro, I still had not had a night with more than 2 hours sleep before waking from night terrors with my heart pounding. I had a couple of psychotic episodes brought on by extreme insomnia at the 1 year mark and I haven't had one since.  Looking back, I'm surprised that I kept going and didn't kill myself. I did prepare a suicide note - found it the other day on my computer - at one year out. I hold onto the hope that good sleep will return since it is much better than it was.

 

I found that the benzos would have to go too if I was to ever fully recover so that's why I started the valium taper in June 2019 (2.5 years after Lexapro). After getting to half of my original dose of Valium, I am sleeping more but quality is still not great. I no longer have night terrors. dr/dp is still with me some days. The shakes finally went away about 3 months ago. I found the first cuts were paradoxically harder than the cuts now.

To tell you the truth, it's a long, lonely journey and there is so much of my life for the past decade that I just don't remember. I tried everything to try to alleviate the symptoms and in the end they were all a waste of time. The only thing that works is time - no supplements, no drugs of any kind. I wish I could say otherwise. I don't think it is a good idea to try to quit multiple drugs at a time. I look on it as unwinding the layering that my doctor did over the years.

 

Even thinking back on it is exhausting. Today I just can't write anymore - it's been a day after cut day on my valium taper and I'm tired.

From my own experience, I feel PTSD as a Vet who is on disability due to being diagnosed with this disorder as a result of a life threatening event I encountered when in the military, does in fact have a lot in common with post benzo/Z-drug mental issues….issues that can be determined as PTSD.

 

It’s my hope that this benzo nightmare fizzles out with the passing of time.

 

Given the very nature of how benzo w/d is a hidden travesty, and the slow rate at which my recovery has been going, the resultant PTSD from this ordeal is very accurate.

 

I hope with the passing of time I’m not so fixated on benzo w/d. It really is a complex subject…this whole benzo mess.

 

Everyone is different and thus has their own take on how this ordeal has affected their overall wellbeing. It's so sad that it even exists....benzo/Z-drug w/d.