Completely healed; There is hope

To all of you reading this going through benzo withdrawal, I am proof that you can heal and conquer this.  I’ve been where you are and I know how you are feeling.  It is absolutely awful… BUT the end results are all worth it. Here is my story…

 

In 2006 when I was 19, I was prescribed clonazepam for mild anxiety.  I took these pills for a little over 3 years in an extremely abusive manner.  Although I do blame myself, I also blame the Dr. for giving me absolutely zero warnings as to what these pills were.  She just kept on prescribing them as if they could do me no harm.  And of course you trust your Dr.  I’m sure this sounds familiar to most of you.  Anyways as I was saying, 1 mg a day turned into up to 6 mgs a day.  Partly from me abusing them because I liked how they made me feel, partly because of course my body was addicted to them. The crazy thing is… I had NO clue how tolerant and addicted I was to these tiny blue pills.  Which leads me to the next part of my story...

 

In Nov 2009, my husband and I decided we wanted to try to get pregnant in the near future so naturally I wanted to get my body in the best shape possible which meant ditching any harmful medications.  The clonazepam was the first to go.  About 2-3 weeks after my last pill it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The worst 10 days of my life to date.  I had a severe case of insomnia.  I didn’t sleep at all. Not even a little.  I went to the emergency room because the left side of my head, neck and arm were completely numb and I wasn’t sleeping.  The emergency room dr gave me Ambien and not even that was helping me, and a referral to a neurological dr which is a whole different story was given to me (waste of time).  To top it off I had to travel to Utah for a funeral right in the middle of all of this.  I thought I was dieing… I didn’t know what was happening to my body.  I was shaking, not sleeping, not eating, not really even processing anything that was being said to me, I was a ZOMBIE.. I just remember thinking, this is it.  It’s my time to go.  I had no clue what was wrong with me.  My husband even stayed up with me the most his body would allow him to and just cry because he didn’t know what to do and what was happening to me.  I don’t want to get too spiritual on you but on the 9th night I received a blessing from a family member and that next night miraculously I slept.  Anyways, that wasn’t the end of it, this was just the beginning.

 

I immediately started to get determined to figure out what was wrong with me because I still felt awful and knew this wasn’t going away.  I remember sitting in front of my computer when it literally just popped into my head (again not to get too spiritual, but I really do believe I received a divine intervention here).  My answer was clear..It was the meds that I stopped taking.  I got on the internet, typed in clonazepam withdrawal.. and BINGO! It was insane how exact these symptoms matched up with mine, why didn’t any of these Dr’s know this?? I hope someday this country becomes more educated on the carelessness of the way Dr’s hand out these meds with no forewarnings (not to discredit ALL drs, I know there are few who are careful and a little educated). 

 

To be honest, I’m a little unsure of the exact timeline; my brain was in a fog for the first few months or so of trying to taper myself off on my own.  Many sleepless nights, tons of depression, lots of thinking that I was permanently damaged.  I found this website in May of 09 I believe.  That is when I started a smarter taper plan; I dry cut for about 6 months and did the water thing when my dose was getting too low to cut up.  I’m not going to say it was easy; there were so many times where I was just sure that I was going to give in and just be on the meds because I was so miserable.  But somehow I found the strength to press forward with the taper and in January 2010 I took my last dose of clonazepam.  It was extremely frightening.  But I started to feel better and better every day I was off.  And by March I was feeling SO much better.  I had a couple of spells with insomnia but nothing I couldn’t handle) and now here we are in September and I can say that I am finally healed! 

 

As days go by I start to forget how horrible my life was while I was going through withdrawal.  I think I mentally block out all of the specifics because even with writing this story I was having a really hard time remembering the timelines so I apologize for the choppy story.  The one thing that I do remember being the hardest was going through a great window just to have it all crash down on me again.  It was viscous and cruel, but trust me the window will stay open once and for all when you reach your point. 

 

Every now and then I get a reminder, but it’s a small one, and it’s easy to deal with because I can say I have plenty of experience with punching anxiety in the face when I feel it coming on.  For example, I went to Las Vegas last weekend and saw Blue Man Group... very LOUD, lots of strobe lights, and lots of people! I got some anxiety but was able to push it away and enjoy myself.  No biggie.  So its times like that where my body remembers all of the benzos.  But it’s okay.  I’m a million trillion times better.  And you will be to.  Just keep hanging in there.  I know it feels like it will never end, it sucks.  But you will be so happy in the end.  Keep holding on to that.  Take care of yourself while you’re in such a fragile state.  I listened to a lot of relaxation music at night, stayed away from caffeine completely (still do, but that’s just a personal choice now), not too much sugar.  Surround yourself with positive people, try to laugh as much as possible, and if you believe in God…pray to him.  He will comfort and help you.  And please if you have any questions/need advice/or someone to talk to please feel free to message me.  Nobody in my life knew what I was going through except for the people on this website.  I got the advice and strength here that I couldn’t get from anywhere else. 

 

I will leave you with a quote that always comforted me… lots of love to you all.

 

"The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength." –James E. Faust-

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  Stories like yours inspire members to continue their journey.  Best wishes always.

 

Patty  xo

Thank you for sharing your story and providing the details it is all so helpful

 

Sharil

What a great post.  Thank you so much for coming back and encouraging others.  You may not remember, but it was almost exactly a year ago that you joined BenzoBuddies to get some help with your taper.  Here is a link to your original thread for those who are interested:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=15091.msg224400#msg224400

Thank you for posting that thread Beeper.. wow, it brought back some memories, I am so grateful that I stuck through with my taper so that I could climb out of that dark place I was in.  It also made me realize that I need to correct when my cold turkey attempt happened.. it was Nov 2008, not 2009. Like I said, very choppy memory in my benzo chapter of life! Glad to be out from under it! Hang in there everyone 

hi lp,

 

thank you so much for coming back here to share your success story.  it fills us all with hope.  and i especially love the quote at the end.

 

thank you and congratulations on your recovery!  my heart is so happy every time i see one more person on the other side of this horrible nightmare out enjoying life again.   

 

leslie

We like success stories  Thanks for taking the time to post one. Beeper, that's cool that you found her original thread 

 

Jean

LP,

 

This is really great to hear.  I remember the tail end of your taper, and all the problems you had with sleep. When you were hit with the 2nd wave of insomnia, we talked here one evening and that is when I first started struggling with sleep.  Your ability to fight that horrible insomnia was very inspirational.  I remembered you often on the nights I could not sleep and I remembered that you were one of the people that fought the insomnia and you won.

 

I am glad to hear you are enjoying life again....after this battle you certainly deserve it...best wishes to you..and your husband....

 

TC

Thank you!!!!  You give me a lot of hope.

Congrats on your healing!!! I am so happy for you. Your story gives me hope, thank you for sharing your success. Best wishes to you and your husband, I wish you a very beautiful happy life!  :yippee:

:thumbsup:

 

Congrats

 

Congrats

 

Congrats

 

Congrats

Hi,

 

 Thank you so much for your inspiring and encouraging success story!!  

 

  I have been Clonazapam(Klonopin) free for 1 month and am still struggling.  Maybe at my two month mark, like you, I will be doing much better.  This would DEFINITELY be something to look forward to.

 

  My best to you and thank you again for posting this WONDERFUL success story!!!  

 

  Good Luck Buddie!!!

 

  SUNNY DAYS AHEAD  

 

 

Wonderful story, LP! Thank you so much and so happy for you!!

Thanks so much. You are an inspiration!

danny-o

Congrats LP, and thanks for writing such an inspirational post.  I know many people will receive encouragement from it

Thank you LP041486

 

Your post gives me a lot of hope too.

 

love

Journey

Hello Lp,

 

I just read you success story, it was very inspirational. I am so happy you have gotten your life back.

 

Summer

Thank you so much for posting your success story.  It is very encouraging to read that others have healed.

 

Best wishes for a wonderful life. 

 

Hey just wanted to say thank u so much for this post:) it gives me hope to overcome this i never thought i can be normal again something told me to stop idk what it was but ive been on xanax for 5 years and i came across this site while i was looking foer detox centers ...thanx again 

Thanks for posting LP - you have renewed my hope and faith in this very long and difficult process.  Good luck to you now that you have your life back.....

Hoping2BFree

Thankyou LP for posting your story, i was feeling a bit down , so thought i would read a couple of the success storys to cheer me up , i a so glad yours was one of the ones i chose, it is very insparational, it always is to hear from those whe have come through this w/d    i love your saying too , it is lovely    i hope you carry on having a great life            love from jewels