How will I survive this? :(

I don’t pray but I pray at night that I wake up without anxiety and freezing cold. I’m lucky to make it to work (I’m the CEO) and when I do I stare at my phone and sit by the heater. I have two life coaches, a big family support system and I just can’t get positive. I’m now on 1mg of clonazepam and I suffer hard for 3-4 days after each drop. I’m down and tired of hearing “tomorrow is another day”. I’m crying while writing this as I don’t know what my kids would do without me. I’m a single father. I just don’t see the light and the more I read on this site, the longer it seems this will be. I can’t live like this. This is not living

 

Marc

Marc,

 

Hang in there,,,,,take one hr at a time, one day at a time,,,,do as much as you can, eat right, hopes up, move your body if you can, walk or workout, change your envoirnment

I too am going through this, and many people far worse than us have made it through the other side, you will heal, you will feel better

I am plagued by crazy symptoms,,,,but I am going each day, every day, today is day 51 no klonopin, soon it will be 100, then 150,,,,,,,

The drug, the withdrawal lies to us, even though we feel this awful, we will get through it

 

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP

TheDaydreamer

Marc, you will heal and it's so hard to get through this I know, you're doing it though. This is a shear testament to your strength and I know you will persevere through this.

 

We all will together.

 

One step,

One punch,

One round at a time.

Have you considered doing a daily microtaper? I've heard lots of folks coping better with it (vs. the cut and hold method).

Thank you. I don’t want to change to the micro taper now. I’ve already had a bunch of issues going from Xanax to Librium to Klonopin to clonazepam. I just have the worst anxiety and I’m craving the enemy to make it go away. That’s sick. What will my anxiety be when I’m fully off?!  Yikes

Do you have any coping tools for anxiety?

Thank you. I don’t want to change to the micro taper now. I’ve already had a bunch of issues going from Xanax to Librium to Klonopin to clonazepam. I just have the worst anxiety and I’m craving the enemy to make it go away. That’s sick. What will my anxiety be when I’m fully off?!  Yikes

 

Totally understand where you're coming from, we are all terrified of the unknown and rightly so, these drugs make us this way more fearful of fear and what we can't predict. That's a normal part of this and while it sucks horribly know that it will get better, it may take awhile but it will. It's not a race it's a marathon, I have to remind myself of these things daily too. It's so hard to focus on simple daily life tasks when we feel the way we do. But you're doing it, you're doing it for your kids and you're doing it for you.

Can you go slower?  Maybe even hold for a 3-6 months before tapering any more?  It really sounds like you are pushing your body too hard.

I’m dropping 5-6% every 1-2 weeks. I don’t want to drag this out. Having this poison in my body doesn’t allow me to live.  Maybe I’m going too slow.

Hi Marc,

 

I wanted to give you the perspective of someone who quit cold turkey, getting the drug out of your body doesn't necessarily equate to feeling better, I suffered for over a year.  The problem with this drug is it causes changes to your brain, and it takes time for your brain to heal.  By going slow, you hopefully minimize your symptoms enough to function while your brain is healing.  Each time you reduce your dose, your brain has to remember it's original function before the drug, overloading it by going too quickly doesn't make the healing any faster, it just makes it more painful. 

 

I totally understand wanting to get the drug out, but you would do well to listen to what your body is telling you. 

 

Pamster

Marc, I feel the despair in your words.  As for your concerns about anxiety down the road, mine improved drastically.  I am 11 months out and have less anxiety than I did the past couple years on the Klon.  The anxiety I experienced the first 6 months of w/d is gone.  I now experience life stressors on a 'more even keel.'  It's hard to explain but it's been a nice surprise.

 

You are doing ok...and you will be at a much better place....soon.  Peace and healing to you.

Thank you for the input. I’m not going to drop this week so my body and mind can recoup. I find that every time I drop, the next 3 or 4 days are hell and then I bounce back. I’m just not operating anywhere near where I could or should and it is very noticeable in the office especially when my door is locked and I am laying under my desk wrapped in a blanket with the heat blasting. Usually by mid afternoon I become a different person. I schedule zero meetings in the morning which is what it is. It’s amazing how a tiny drop in medicine (.0625mg for me) can affect me the way it does. Scary. My family wants me to start a lawsuit against big Pharmaceutical. Maybe when I have half a brain.

MMW

 

I'm so sorry you're suffering as you are and under so much pressure from a mountain of responsibilities.

My first suggestion is actually a plea that you slow your taper down. 

Right now, the most important thing you can do for yourself is listen to your body, tune into your own needs and focus on self care.  You sound like a driven person and everything your body and spirit is telling you right now is to slow down and ease up on yourself.  And as you do, trust that you will heal and try to focus on the positive progress you make, even if it's an hour long window.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Healing will come. Be kind to yourself.

 

I send you sincere wishes for much healing.

Brighterday

I agree, I think you should slow down. You dont need to go so fast that you are torturing yourself. Imo, If you hold it will give your brain time to heal and let the sx settle . You want to be functional. The way you are going now ir sounds like you having a hard time functioning. If it were me I would hold till sx are tolerable.  I am so sorry yoy are going thru.this. I know how awful it is. I had to slow down too. I want off as bad as you believe me.

You need to distract as much as you can. It helps. You will heal. There are support groups too that you can go too if you want to read through and ask for help there as well.

Wow. This advice is fantastic. Now I have to listen.  I just got PM’d from someone from another post and he asked me to call him as he was going through the same morning hell.  I found myself listening to his three calls and giving him my opinion (he kept asking for my advice). My advice to him was stop changing and dropping the dose. Give yourself a break. Level off and get to a better place. Enjoy your kids and on and on. He thanked me. Now I have to follow my same advice as stubborn as I am. I have full custody of two teens and run a company. I am no use to them when the withdrawal hits. Thanks again!!!

Oh honey!  A year, a month, six weeks from now you will be so proud of yourself for doing this. For your kids!  Your family!  Your life. You’re taking it back. You got this.

Wow. This advice is fantastic. Now I have to listen.  I just got PM’d from someone from another post and he asked me to call him as he was going through the same morning hell.  I found myself listening to his three calls and giving him my opinion (he kept asking for my advice). My advice to him was stop changing and dropping the dose. Give yourself a break. Level off and get to a better place. Enjoy your kids and on and on. He thanked me. Now I have to follow my same advice as stubborn as I am. I have full custody of two teens and run a company. I am no use to them when the withdrawal hits. Thanks again!!!

 

Hello Marcmyword,

 

I'm happy to hear you were able to offer advice rather than be the one needing it, it's an empowering moment.  I'm concerned however about the member who contacted you via PM asking for personal contact.  We do our best to protect our members, some of whom are in a very vulnerable state and not making the best decisions about their safety.  I'm not saying this is the case with you, I just want to point out that it can be dangerous to give out personal information to strangers on the internet.  We understand people develop friendships here, it's inevitable they'll share information, I just wanted to ask you and others to use caution.  We've seen things like this go badly too many times.

 

Pamster

Wow. This advice is fantastic. Now I have to listen.  I just got PM’d from someone from another post and he asked me to call him as he was going through the same morning hell.  I found myself listening to his three calls and giving him my opinion (he kept asking for my advice). My advice to him was stop changing and dropping the dose. Give yourself a break. Level off and get to a better place. Enjoy your kids and on and on. He thanked me. Now I have to follow my same advice as stubborn as I am. I have full custody of two teens and run a company. I am no use to them when the withdrawal hits. Thanks again!!!

 

I am happy to hear this.  Many of us have learned this same lesson hard way.  The irony for me is the stress of tapering too fast triggered an autoimmune disease in me.. so even though I don't have benzo withdrawl anymore I have a chronic illness.  Take care of yourself!

Pamster

 

Thank you for your advice about being contacted on PM. I was a bit skeptical and didn’t know what to do. I will be more careful

I wouldn't cut at this point. No shame in holding to see if you stabilize.

Pamster - Thank you thank you for your wisdom.... I needed to hear what you had to say so badly    I needed to hear the message of going slow.  This morning I had an urge to flush my remaining pills and just get it over with.  This poison.  But clearer heads prevail here... I can feel my body systems struggling to catch up.... I'm so weak.  It makes sense to give myself a chance. 

 

Marc.... I have had some severe mornings.... I was wondering if that was the way of it - tapering. 

 

I can't imagine doing a job as CEO, and kids, especially teenagers!  That is a Lot of stuff to be responsible for!

You are one brave man. 

Your description of being curled up under your desk reminded me of carpentering - trying to finish a contract for an entire house, and just laying on the floor underneath my sawhorses crying.... I would be there for 8 hours, but could only charge for 2 - that's how f/u I was.  But it sounds like you got through that wave.... glad you made it here.... 

 

Marc,  I always wonder HOW people who were put on benzos for panic/anxiety are going to manage their condition when they are off the medicine.  Fortunately, I KNOW how you can do it. 

 

Over 35 years ago I developed severe panic disorder.  After 15 years of HELL, hospitalizations, ECT, you name it, I found a self help organization called Recoveryinterational.org.  Please look at their website and go to their free weekly meetings to learn their coping techniques which were like magic to me.  Of course I gave it my ALL and practiced and did what I was told to do.  First, it will help you handle the symptoms, but eventually it gets RID of them,  which I know is hard to understand or believe, but it does.  If there are no live meetings near you, you will have to use the online meetings.  No one will see you  - you will see the leader and information on the screen and you can talk (if ypu want) but it’s mostly the leader who does the talking.  I prefer live meetings by far but if you don’t have one near you, you are stuck with on-line meetings.  They have them almost daily now.  If you don’t learn how to cope and get rid of your original symptoms, getting off the medication won’t do a lot in my book.  This organization saved my life from the panic disorder.  Unfortunately, years later Ii let myself get hooked on klonopin (so stupid. I never should have done it).  So here I am doing a taper.  But the same coping techniques help me if I occasionally get anxiety but I hardly ever get that.  My taper symptoms are lack of ambition, depression, etc.  I don’t find Recovery international good for depression at all, but many people do.  But for panic and anxiety you cant beat it.  I wish you the very best. 

Marc, I'm a single mother of only one girl but no child support and a dysfunctional FOO. When I crashed in my taper, I realized I wasn't going to be able to keep working and raising my daughter in such condition. I was sleeping 0-2 hours a night and had very very bad intrusive thoughts and constant fear. I desperately searched on BBs and finally found the long hold support group. I'm holding now. I can't tell you I'm well, or happy, but I've taken the reins of my life again and I'm the mom my daughter needs plus I'm not canceling work appointments (I'm far from being a CEO but that sounds like hell). If you consider to hold for a few months, please know many people do so with good results. And if you don't, I really hope everything goes well for you throughout this taper.

Hey Marc I have really been thinking about you and your story today. I know it's hard but your doing good. And if you've made all the way to a CEO position and your kids are teenagers you are doing good! You can do this you've got It hang in there!!

Hey Marc,

as you can see in my sig this lays all behind me now. You are lucky you found this website while tapering so you can read about the experience of others. the best one can do in my opinion, and that will help you also AFTer withdrawal, is to find out what your body needs. Means, do a longer hold, pause a while, and look what your body tells you then. I know, especially if you are a business man, we are driven into a thinking of "I have to to that! I have to push it and go through that, even if it hurts", but the body is much wiser than this and everyone who has learned that and can now work with the signals the body gives, is really in a good position in life.

I mean, we all took the pills how prescribed or advised and ignored the signals we received from the body - so this is the best situation to start to do that.

Another advice I would like to give is - use any single good moment you are given. I mean: If you have some good days, enjoy them with your kids, take a pause from work, and collect good moments - and then move on with the taper or facing problems. Its helpful to show the brain and your soul good things, good pictures and feelings. You know how you are as a person, if you are already disciplined and pushing yourself you do not need to worry that you will not go on with your taper or challenges, I know, you will.

I hope you will find this wisdom in yourself and I wish you the best to finish your taper!

Marigold