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My Cross


[ne...]

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This is my story:

 

Rehab wasn't what I expected, and there was little they could do for me at this point. But I'll never forget the moment that it struck me that no-one was there because they simply 'liked' drugs.. the root of all addiction and self-destruction stems from emotional trauma.

 

It began with a breakup. My high school girlfriend, I couldn’t imagine being without her, being with anyone else. College was approaching and I chose a school that I had little interest in so that I could be close to her. There was no distinct moment but it was over. Devastated, the depression began and I isolated. A month went by, still depressed. 6 months turned to a year which turned into 2 and I started to think that something was wrong with me. I thought maybe I was sick. My friend was prescribed Xanax and he would give me some occasionally, taking them was like taking a breath from the pain and heartache that plagued me for so long. I sought a prescription for myself and took Xanax for over a year before switching to Klonopin in which I took for the next 4 or so. I abused the medication.

 

The more I used the medication, the more my personality began to change. I became easily angered, embittered with the world. My friends began continued to abandon me as I became wholly unrecognizable to my prior self. I had lost my lightheartedness, sense of humor and will to pursue anything else in life except a desire escape. My inhibition began to slip, too. I no longer had a sense of right or wrong. I barely felt a thing. I was lost. I began to develop fear that seemed to come from nowhere. Fear to walk into the grocery store or to be seen in public. I began to develop muscle aches in my neck and back. I got a motorcycle because I wasn’t afraid to die and I drove recklessly embracing that idea, eventually totaling it and spending the night in ICU. I was suicidal and didn’t know why. I was 25, living at home and thought maybe that was the problem. So I made a choice and moved out, with no income. With some money in savings, I looked for a job while working at the mall with a double major in finance and management. One rent payment from eviction, I landed a job right down the road from where I lived. Then along came an old college friend. She filled a void established from the emotional trauma of my past relationship. I decided I no longer needed Klonopin to crutch on for confidence. I stopped cold-turkey, a testament to how delusional I was by this point. She lived out of state but would visit periodically and I would go stay with her in her hotel. 2 weeks in, I was visiting her from out of state and started having mood swings. I was crying uncontrollably then laughing minutes later. She took me to the airport and before the plane could take off, I had a full-blown panic attack. Sweating, shaking, pale, the flight attendants and pilot tried to calm me down in the gateway on a wheelchair. They asked if I was on any medications at which point it really set in what I had done. I got back on the plane, somehow, and my 6-8 week horror filled hallucination began on that flight.

 

When I arrived home, I was terrified and hopeless, borderline psychotic. Shaking, sweating, head throbbing and the room spinning, I began searching online and reading articles about the dangers of quitting cold-turkey, about kindling, etc.. My girlfriend called me 2 days later and broke up with me. The indescribable guilt, shame and fear of my new reality kept me from taking another single dose. I thought, if I am going to lose her over this then I am going to gain something in return even if it means potential death. I was tired and didn’t all care that much if I died. The depression from losing her combined with the chemically depressed imbalance in my brain was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced in my life. I had many visions during this time and experiences that forever altered my perspective on life/death, God, love, hell and spirituality. During this time, I was charged with road rage and thrown in jail. I checked myself into rehab shortly after my release. The burden of all of these things led me to seriously contemplate ending my own life, but a vision of my mother, distraught on the couch alone in the daytime, weeping in grief over the loss of her son kept me from killing myself.

 

With suicide out of question, I made a choice. If I was going to continue living I was going to really live, the way that I want to; and so began my recovery:

 

I joined a church and began volunteering weekly to reconnect with people and give me a sense of responsibility and accomplishment eventually signing up to become a volunteer counselor for those struggling with anxiety/depression. I got rid of my car and decided to live only with a motorcycle for transportation. I started training Jiu Jitsu shortly thereafter which provided me a physical activity after work that was entertaining and both physically and mentally challenging; I was sore, weak, anxious and afraid, but I went anyways. I got off of social media entirely. I sold all of my video game equipment and stopped watching TV, except for occasional Netflix once a week. I began to actively monitor my thoughts and emotions attempting only to allow those that that made me feel positively. I began to read daily (although it was difficult at first), playing guitar again for hours a night and practicing mindfulness/meditation. I cleaned up my diet and eliminated foods that made me feel poorly. I would go on long rides on the motorcycle, into the mountains to explore and reconnect with the beauty of nature; allowing the wind to fill my lungs, the smell of honey suckle, fresh cut grass and pine needles lifting my spirit as my senses returned to me. I stayed sober, including weed and alcohol. This didn’t happen all at once, but gradually over the months following acute withdrawal.

 

Slowly, over the past year, the symptoms continued to fade away, oscillating around an ascending baseline of wellness. I am now wiser, in better physical shape, have more emotional awareness than ever before. I'm working on forgiving myself for it now, which is one of the hardest parts. But once you do, your body starts to forgive you too. I learned how to turn extreme suffering into a positive, no matter what by how I approach my experience.

 

I am grateful for my experience and believe that it was a part of a greater plan for me to become the person whom I was meant to be.

 

na-  :angel:

 

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Congratulations neoapostle! I am so proud and happy for you. My heart is filled with so much joy because I know you are headed for great things.

 

Blessings

 

PG

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[3e...]
How were your windows in withdrawal compared to being fully healed? Would you say being completely healed is so much better than the brief windows?
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Neo,  So happy you have been given this gift at such a young age.  You were in the darkness for way too long.  Congrats and stay in the light...the rest of your beautiful life.
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  • 4 weeks later...

Thank you for sharing this vivid, forthright, full throttle description of your path to healing. You went through hell and remade yourself piece by piece with incredible courage and commitment to a beautiful vision of the person you wanted to be.  It doesn't get more inspiring than this.

 

I love how you frame it as a spiritual journey and how you found your compassion expanded. I can already feel a deepening of my own compassion. 

 

Thank you again. It means so much to those of us embArking on this scary, excruciating journey.

 

 

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Thank you for sharing this vivid, forthright, full throttle description of your path to healing. You went through hell and remade yourself piece by piece with incredible courage and commitment to a beautiful vision of the person you wanted to be.  It doesn't get more inspiring than this.

 

I love how you frame it as a spiritual journey and how you found your compassion expanded. I can already feel a deepening of my own compassion. 

 

Thank you again. It means so much to those of us embArking on this scary, excruciating journey.

 

This comment means a lot to me. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to reach out  :hug:

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