Torture of the mind

We wake up in absolute horror. The burning cortisol snatches us out of our nightmares waking us up to cold sweats and terror. We then battle to get ourselves out of bed. Sometimes we don't get out of bed but being in bed is another hell on it's own. We then continue through the day in psychological torture as though we have dementia and psychosis. No relief. Relentlessly restless with akathisia. Holding by a very thin thread onto reality. It feels as though we at the gates of insanity. Evening comes and we get our fragment of relief after an exhausting long day of mental anguish. We sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat....  💔😩🔫

Hang in there.... It can get better

We wake up in absolute horror. The burning cortisol snatches us out of our nightmares waking us up to cold sweats and terror. We then battle to get ourselves out of bed. Sometimes we don't get out of bed but being in bed is another hell on it's own. We then continue through the day in psychological torture as though we have dementia and psychosis. No relief. Relentlessly restless with akathisia. Holding by a very thin thread onto reality. It feels as though we at the gates of insanity. Evening comes and we get our fragment of relief after an exhausting long day of mental anguish. We sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat....  💔😩🔫

 

Sadly... well put. That's how I feel. Just on the border of insanity...

Yep.  Just another day of this torture.  I don't know how bad mine is compared to this person, or that person.  I know that I'm not whole.  I am not the same person I once was before benzos.  That much I am certain of.  Our brains aren't working right, and we can only hope that some day they will work again like they were meant to.  I will never take my brain for granted again.  The first few months I was absolutely horrified by my psychological symptoms.  What a strange and surreal way my brain was functioning.  The next few months, I felt like I would heal some day, but healing was nowhere in sight yet, but I had hope, I just knew I'd be okay one day.  Reading the posts and hearing all the same stories, I just knew.  But now at almost 15 months and I just don't feel like I'm me anymore.  I guess my personality is the same, but my attitude and my emotions are not the same.  I am a different person now.  Anxiety is only a byproduct of my brain damage.  My brain isn't right, it's not me.  There's a broken place in there, something that isn't working.  I can feel the damage, I can see the damage, I can think the damage and it keeps looking back at me every day.  I can't escape that damaged place.  Do you feel me people??  So, I have continue to hope that somehow, by some miracle this damaged thing, this broken thing will be removed or replaced.  I don't understand how that will work, it's like trying to fly, or jump 50 feet in the air.  It's like being able to lift a train...  It's an immovable object, or a hundred foot fence that I can't get over or around.  You feel me??  Can anyone else describe this crazy thing inside our heads??  What is this "thing" that I can't shake, that won't go away??  Anyone??

You just described my predacement quite precisely. Even though we distract. This hideous feeling is always there. Reminding us that we're not complete. Wherever we go. Whatever we do. Always.

Yep.  Just another day of this torture.  I don't know how bad mine is compared to this person, or that person.  I know that I'm not whole.  I am not the same person I once was before benzos.  That much I am certain of.  Our brains aren't working right, and we can only hope that some day they will work again like they were meant to.  I will never take my brain for granted again.  The first few months I was absolutely horrified by my psychological symptoms.  What a strange and surreal way my brain was functioning.  The next few months, I felt like I would heal some day, but healing was nowhere in sight yet, but I had hope, I just knew I'd be okay one day.  Reading the posts and hearing all the same stories, I just knew.  But now at almost 15 months and I just don't feel like I'm me anymore.  I guess my personality is the same, but my attitude and my emotions are not the same.  I am a different person now.  Anxiety is only a byproduct of my brain damage.  My brain isn't right, it's not me.  There's a broken place in there, something that isn't working.  I can feel the damage, I can see the damage, I can think the damage and it keeps looking back at me every day.  I can't escape that damaged place.  Do you feel me people??  So, I have continue to hope that somehow, by some miracle this damaged thing, this broken thing will be removed or replaced.  I don't understand how that will work, it's like trying to fly, or jump 50 feet in the air.  It's like being able to lift a train...  It's an immovable object, or a hundred foot fence that I can't get over or around.  You feel me??  Can anyone else describe this crazy thing inside our heads??  What is this "thing" that I can't shake, that won't go away??  Anyone??

 

U nailed it micky. It saddens me how long this lasts.

Yes the daily round of terror and dread, It's beyond the normal fear I have felt through my life,  It has a life of it's own.

 

I want it to ease and during the evening I  feel a calming, Not always but sometimes, I am not me, but I can at least read and not want to walk and walk, I cannot watch tv, I cannot function, but I am calmer,  until the cycle starts again, I sleep badly perhaps half and hour then the bathroom until 3am and then the cycle begins again, building and building  until it feels  near to insanity. This goes round and round in loop day after day and still I taper down from a tiny 4mgs for 13 months plus 3 other months before the hospital had put me back to 4mgs,  .

I am so close to being clear of this drug, but I don't feel it will make any difference now, I feel so damaged, I cannot feel any healing at all even with my painfully slow taper,  Maybe it's my age at 74  or having a past history of using wine to cope with life,  which I stopped 5 years ago, I question all I have done , was it the two drinks I had the year before last that re triggered something, is that why I suffer as I do , will I ever recover, can I survive at my age and still have a full life, have I done right to stop the drug that made me ill from the beginning and did it do that because or the alcohol, though I have never drunk on valium it was before , and maybe it has come back to haunt me,  and this is the price.

I hope and pray the fear leaves and then I know I can mend from all of this, given time, 

 

 

Yep.  Just another day of this torture.  I don't know how bad mine is compared to this person, or that person.  I know that I'm not whole.  I am not the same person I once was before benzos.  That much I am certain of.  Our brains aren't working right, and we can only hope that some day they will work again like they were meant to.  I will never take my brain for granted again.  The first few months I was absolutely horrified by my psychological symptoms.  What a strange and surreal way my brain was functioning.  The next few months, I felt like I would heal some day, but healing was nowhere in sight yet, but I had hope, I just knew I'd be okay one day.  Reading the posts and hearing all the same stories, I just knew.  But now at almost 15 months and I just don't feel like I'm me anymore.  I guess my personality is the same, but my attitude and my emotions are not the same.  I am a different person now.  Anxiety is only a byproduct of my brain damage.  My brain isn't right, it's not me.  There's a broken place in there, something that isn't working.  I can feel the damage, I can see the damage, I can think the damage and it keeps looking back at me every day.  I can't escape that damaged place.  Do you feel me people??  So, I have continue to hope that somehow, by some miracle this damaged thing, this broken thing will be removed or replaced.  I don't understand how that will work, it's like trying to fly, or jump 50 feet in the air.  It's like being able to lift a train...  It's an immovable object, or a hundred foot fence that I can't get over or around.  You feel me??  Can anyone else describe this crazy thing inside our heads??  What is this "thing" that I can't shake, that won't go away??  Anyone??

 

This is exactly how I feel. I wish I knew how long I have to endure this. How long were you on benzos? Did you taper?

I promise that it gets better. I went through absolute mental insanity. Looping, obsessive thoughts. Extreme DP/DR. Severe confusion and cog fog. Felt like my thoughts were someone else's and I couldn't control them at all. It felt like I had zero control of my brain and I felt insane and inhuman. A lot of times I felt like I couldn't think, I was stricken with insane fear over nothing and everything. Daydreams became a fear and made me feel insane. Anytime my mind thought on it's own. I don't suffer from any of that anymore, only mildly in waves sometimes. It does get better, just hang in there.

Glad to see you are doing so much better, LiveAboveIt. I hope drinking has not set you back much at all.

 

I'm still feeling like I'm being tortured mentally on a daily basis. And the more I'm idle, the worse I feel. I'm hoping this does and someday and I'm able to resume a normal life with my family.

I promise that it gets better. I went through absolute mental insanity. Looping, obsessive thoughts. Extreme DP/DR. Severe confusion and cog fog. Felt like my thoughts were someone else's and I couldn't control them at all. It felt like I had zero control of my brain and I felt insane and inhuman. A lot of times I felt like I couldn't think, I was stricken with insane fear over nothing and everything. Daydreams became a fear and made me feel insane. Anytime my mind thought on it's own. I don't suffer from any of that anymore, only mildly in waves sometimes. It does get better, just hang in there.

 

Imma hang on to this.....