Author Topic: DP/DR is breaking me  (Read 312 times)

[Buddie]

DP/DR is breaking me
« on: October 30, 2019, 05:56:55 pm »
I've suffered from DP/DR for years at this point but lately it's gotten so much more intense. I have this "blank mind/mind void" feeling and I have to literally tell myself over and over all day long that I am not going insane or dying but I never truly believe it. I keep a Google document open and type in it reminders that I am not losing my mind and that this is temporary and will pass. I don't ever feel safe or comfortable in my house or out in the world. I often feel like I'm going to slip into some type of delirium or completely snap into psychosis (and do sometimes scream and hit myself in the face or make twisted faces in the mirror). I think it's more like a form of mental anguish that just wants it to stop more than actually being those things but it's incredibly scary. My long term memory and recall is still good it's just that nothing FEELS real or normal or anything but completely foreign. I can't really distract, I'm so restless and my cognition and focus are so bad that nothing really helps anymore.

I'm winging it getting through the days but it's just getting harder and harder and frankly I'm scared. I try my best to accept what I'm going through since I can't change it but it truly feels torturous. I didn't mind being largely housebound and alone when I could keep my mind occupied with music and podcasts and talking with friends but with this constant fear and constant intense dissociation that leads to a distortion of reality I'm really, really struggling and at a loss for what to do.  It's like I go in and out of reality and I feel like I'm in a completely other dimension than the world around me both in and out of the house. Nothing really grounds me.

Can anyone relate to this? Is there anything I can do to make it more tolerable?
« Last Edit: October 30, 2019, 06:35:05 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: DP/DR is breaking me
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2019, 07:52:19 pm »
I'm sorry you're experiencing this, i had it exactly as you describe for months at a time. It would leave during windows, i had it very badly recently. My neurologist told me its caused by excessive glutamate. The only thing that helped me a little was to try and cut out every stress (physical and mental)  imaginable which was pretty hard. Any type of exercise made it 100 x worse.  I hope it lifts for you soon.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: DP/DR is breaking me
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2019, 07:54:11 pm »
Exercise is weird for me because in the moment when I'm breaking a sweat I feel better but afterwards for a good like 12 hours my whole system is like so revved up. This also goes for when I try and clean around the house too. I feel so hopeless. I am doing my best to sit with it but it's so incredibly hard.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: DP/DR is breaking me
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2019, 07:56:49 pm »
Someone please give me some hope I can and have handled a lot but I can't take this anymore.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: DP/DR is breaking me
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2019, 08:11:50 pm »
Hi Jay.

It may help if you add your benzodiazepine history so others know where you are in the process. Since youíre posting in Withdrawal Support Iím guessing youíre tapering, so it would help to know which benzodiazepine and how youíre tapering.

Iff you want to add the info, go up to Profile, then Forum Profile and write in the text box.

Thanks!

[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: DP/DR is breaking me
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2019, 08:19:45 pm »
Done. Hope that helps.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: DP/DR is breaking me
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2019, 01:31:56 am »
Jay, you've done very well on your taper! Congrats for that! You're down to the last .5mg. It's still a good size dose though. How are you tapering? What method are you using now and how are you cutting? The smaller dose you get, you have to really watch that precision. Sometimes you have to change how you dose to keep blood levels even, despite long half life of K. I have to dose K 3 times a day. Sometimes, you have to change things as you get lower in dose. These are things that may help your symptoms lift some. Just things to consider.

Now as far as DP/DR. I know this well. Last December I had a partial cold turkey from 1.25K down to .25K in a week.... I ended up updosing to .5, but the other .75K was cold turkeyed off. For a few months I had terrible withdrawal symptoms. DP/DR was one of them. It felt so strange. Everything felt dark and dreary. It was like I was in a walking nightmare. I looked at my children, my body, my house.... it was was unfamiliar to me. I couldn't laugh or smile. It was awful and strange. But you know what? It passed! I feel a little bit of this occasionally. I wasn't on BB at the time and had no idea there was a name for this. I was terrified I'd never be me again or feel like me. I promise you, there will come a time soon where you will wake up and feel like you looking through your own eyes again and things will feel joyful and familiar again. Do what you can to find comforts (activities, TV shows, music) that make you feel like you. Do the best you can to remind yourself that this unfamiliar place is not the final stop, it's just a pit stop.

You've done well my friend. Keep on trucking with your taper, making any adjustments you need to along Way. It's not a race, it's a marathon.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: DP/DR is breaking me
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2019, 04:02:33 pm »
I dry cut with a razor and nail file by cutting .001 grams every day. Sometimes since the pill is getting smaller lately that has been .002 but I really have to watch that as it really does make a huge difference (I tried liquid tapering in the past but it made me sick also after a while it was like my body just wasn't absorbing it properly. Tried milk, water, OraPlus). I dose 4 times a day as whenever I try to dose 3 or 2 I end up getting very sick. I still dry heave most mornings as I see in your sig that you struggled with as well. I'm actually closer to .25 mg's than .5 as I'm currently at .105 grams total (my .5 mg pills weigh .171 grams).

I try my best to listen to music, podcasts, tv shows, movies, sports, YouTube videos etc but lately my fear and dp/dr are so thick and my internal reslessness/inability to focus/cognitive abilities make it nearly impossible for me to distract with anything. I'm getting really scared, I've endured a lot but lately everything is just more intense and most days I don't know how I get through them. I'm doing my best but I feel like the kindling made things much, much worse for me. I've had the DP/DR for so long at this point, years going back to being in tolerance, that it just doesn't really ever pass totally and seems to be getting more intense the lower I get.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: DP/DR is breaking me
« Reply #8 on: October 31, 2019, 06:33:19 pm »
Totally relate.

Feels like slipped through portal to parallel universe and sometimes believe that is true and will never get out.

Donít recognise or feel connected to anything. Even tactile sense is wrong. Nothing looks, sounds or feels right. Food smells and tastes and feels wrong. My hands donít look like mine. Water runni g over my hands looks wrong - like my hands are too waterproof.

Also have terror from looking at or hearing or touching things.

Head feels empty and like canít find the bit of my brain I need to find the bit of my brain that can link to the reality of stuff.

People I donít know look familiar or like ppl I havenít seen in years. People I know look unfamiliar. Everyone looks like they are made of plastic and unreal and my body feels like that too.

The world often looks grimy and dirty.

Light falling on things like leaves causes terror.

Nothing is normal or ok.

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: DP/DR is breaking me
« Reply #9 on: October 31, 2019, 10:45:30 pm »
I dry cut with a razor and nail file by cutting .001 grams every day. Sometimes since the pill is getting smaller lately that has been .002 but I really have to watch that as it really does make a huge difference (I tried liquid tapering in the past but it made me sick also after a while it was like my body just wasn't absorbing it properly. Tried milk, water, OraPlus). I dose 4 times a day as whenever I try to dose 3 or 2 I end up getting very sick. I still dry heave most mornings as I see in your sig that you struggled with as well. I'm actually closer to .25 mg's than .5 as I'm currently at .105 grams total (my .5 mg pills weigh .171 grams).

I try my best to listen to music, podcasts, tv shows, movies, sports, YouTube videos etc but lately my fear and dp/dr are so thick and my internal reslessness/inability to focus/cognitive abilities make it nearly impossible for me to distract with anything. I'm getting really scared, I've endured a lot but lately everything is just more intense and most days I don't know how I get through them. I'm doing my best but I feel like the kindling made things much, much worse for me. I've had the DP/DR for so long at this point, years going back to being in tolerance, that it just doesn't really ever pass totally and seems to be getting more intense the lower I get.

Have you tried keeping the cuts the same, doses the same, but cutting less frequently? I can only cut twice a week, every Monday and Thursday, and I hold the other days. My body can only cut small and I need the holds. I can't even cut 3 times a week or it gets way too bad. This is something you could try. Even cutting every other day would give your CNS a time to catch up more. If you trial this, yes it will take longer, but it may improve things for you.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.