anyone else suffering from rumination of their past？

really, as if the other symptoms aren't enough, my brain refuses to let me live in the present creates all sorts of negative feelings (regrets, failures, poor decisions). anybody else have nonstop ruminations about their past? my mind is stuck analyzing a previous relationship and i am pulled to believe i shouldn't have broken up with my ex, that if i didn't, i wouldn't be suffering like this right now. i fall into a negative comparison trap of learning about his fiance, how she is prettier than me, how he is living the life of his dreams traveling the world. this is someone *I* broke up with more than 4 years ago, yet my mind is just fixated on analyzing how i was the one in the wrong in the relationship, how i deserve this suffering because of stuff i did and not being sensitive when i broke up with him, etc etc.

 

sorry i don't mean to dump my past relationship crap on all of you, just wondering if anyone else is also stuck ruminating and analyzing their life? it almost feels like the type of analyzation that occurs at one's deathbed. the kind where you go back and analyze where things went wrong in the decision making that eventually led to such a miserable outcome in life.

Definitely same here except I left my ex because he couldnt stop cheating. Everything else though... yes. He had a new gf the month after I left. This was three years ago. Nonstop I keep thinking I should have just stayed with him. I have no chance of being happy so why didn’t I just stay and love him for who he was. Blah blah. I literally relive it all alllllll day everyday.

Definitely, Miracle!  The past emerging. 

 

I try to put a positive swing on it in thinking that with the emergence of these memories I will give myself a chance to 'deal' with the past no longer maladaptively as I did with with benzo's and alcohol.

 

Dee

 

YES! yes and yes. All of this. It has been going on now for 8 months strait. I can't stop. It's even from the second I wake up in the morning when all of my past mistakes come flooding back. My heart turns over. I dread another day of w/d and ruminations of everything I've done wrong in life, everyone who hurt me, how I feel doomed to this life now, figuring out how I got here, wondering why others are doing well in life and not me. It's crazy. Its because I can't feel any good as well. It's all bad. Sometimes I will obsess for days on just one mistake or past hurt and freak out about it, feel raging mad and then I totally forget and move onto the next one.

 

Yeah I have felt too like this whole experience is like some insane shaman vision quest or something to deal with all of my pain and darkness.

guys, thanks for responding, i'm sorry you are also suffering from this symptom but i'm glad i'm not the only one.

 

penny - omg. i seriously relive it all day everyday too. i suffer from guilt too, because i wasn't the nicest person in the relationship. i also didn't really respect him very much. he didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't live up to my expectations. and now my benzo brain is putting everything into perspective that it was i who was to unrealistic. that having someone by my side should've been enough and that i was just not content with what i had. i wanted someone better. i wanted a better match. i wanted someone i could admire. it's really not helpful. if i weren't in this benzo mess, i would be able to do something about it. like maybe go out and start dating so i could move on.

 

deadwoodgone-that's good advice. i try to tell myself positive things, but my mind just replays those original thoughts over and over again. i guess i just have to keep on trying.

 

sunlit - SAME. i am at about 8 months too. it almost feels like i am receiving punishment for who i was, for my past decisions, for taking a road that i thought was the right road but ended up in this amount of suffering.

 

i spent my entire life building a future that i wanted for myself. good career, friends, a good relationship. this is not the future i wanted or spent so hard working towards. i ended a relationship that maybe could've been saved in an insensitive way. i lost my career. i don't have anymore friends now. all i have is this shell of a body that needs my poor elderly parents to keep alive. it's hard to hold on to hope. how do i trust the success stories where people have said "oh my turning point was 6 months", or "i was able to hold down a job"...

Yes! An intrusive memory will pop up and my brain will spiral out of control from there.

Might help....

 

I made contact with an old 'boyfriend' from 30 years ago.  I have always held a place in my heart for him.  We met, and it was soooo disappointing.  I had romanticed and idealised the whole thing. 

 

Couldn't get out of there fast enough. 

 

Dee

Haha dee, that would probably be what would happen to me if i had done the same.

i have a tendency to romanticize the past. when things don't go my way presently, i somehow tend to deviate back to old memories and my mind convinces me that i was happier back then. i do this even before benzos, so this habit definitely worsened after the damage occurred.

 

WD has a lot of horrible symptoms for me, but this one is definitely in my top 5 of all the symptoms. So yes, I feel like I'm stuck living in the past constantly. It's a horrible feeling. Especially the whole part over obsessing over mistakes I made. A lot of my mental symptoms have disappeared, but this one is being so persistent to the point where it takes a lot of effort for me to distract myself. The worst part is that it just feels so real. It's hard to describe, but it's like a feeling as if this was a problem all along and I was just ignoring it this whole time. Makes me question my sanity.

guys, thanks for responding, i'm sorry you are also suffering from this symptom but i'm glad i'm not the only one.

 

penny - omg. i seriously relive it all day everyday too. i suffer from guilt too, because i wasn't the nicest person in the relationship. i also didn't really respect him very much. he didn't do anything wrong, he just didn't live up to my expectations. and now my benzo brain is putting everything into perspective that it was i who was to unrealistic. that having someone by my side should've been enough and that i was just not content with what i had. i wanted someone better. i wanted a better match. i wanted someone i could admire. it's really not helpful. if i weren't in this benzo mess, i would be able to do something about it. like maybe go out and start dating so i could move on.

 

deadwoodgone-that's good advice. i try to tell myself positive things, but my mind just replays those original thoughts over and over again. i guess i just have to keep on trying.

 

sunlit - SAME. i am at about 8 months too. it almost feels like i am receiving punishment for who i was, for my past decisions, for taking a road that i thought was the right road but ended up in this amount of suffering.

 

i spent my entire life building a future that i wanted for myself. good career, friends, a good relationship. this is not the future i wanted or spent so hard working towards. i ended a relationship that maybe could've been saved in an insensitive way. i lost my career. i don't have anymore friends now. all i have is this shell of a body that needs my poor elderly parents to keep alive. it's hard to hold on to hope. how do i trust the success stories where people have said "oh my turning point was 6 months", or "i was able to hold down a job"...

 

Absolutely. Exact same. I should have been happy with who he was. I should have been more grateful. I’m not perfect why did I expect him to be. All the above. Honestly though I know this has to be because we’re in a really desperate state right now. We miss any time of our life where we felt better. That happens to be with our ex. The truth is we left for a reason and that’s not to say they were bad people but we are only reaching in our minds for a time where we felt good. And then we’re wishing for that. I am convinced of this. I really hope it goes away when we feel better!

Read this:

 

https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/recovery/life-review-in-benzodiazepine-withdrawal/

Thanks ajusta

I did read that before, it's hard to imagine it'll get better.

 

Read this:

 

https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/recovery/life-review-in-benzodiazepine-withdrawal/

 

This is so helpful and reassuring. Thank you for sharing!

Read this:

 

https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/recovery/life-review-in-benzodiazepine-withdrawal/

 

Wow. This is crazy its truly a thing.

hey tweed,

thx for response. sorry u are suffering too. i microanalyze everything just as u said. in the end my brain likes to conclude that i did bad things therefore i deserve this punishment, that this is a consequence of all of the decisions i did.

the TRUTH is that everybody makes mistakes, hurt others, tries to be a better person despite flaws. if i were a normal person i would be thinking that way. but because im suffering so much and my life feels like it's over, its like a fatalistic type thinking, like a prolonged "flashbacks of past events" that people talk about before a near death experience, except mine is waaaay prolonged and happens 24/7 throughout the day. its not just flashbacks fo past memories, its detailed analysis of everything with a negative conclusion which ends up making me feel like crap.

 

u are talking to baylissa? i wonder if she had this symptom and when it left for her. i dont hear it talked alot about on bb.

 

i also wonder if somethng changed in the recent years with the component inside benzos. so many ppl suffering debilitating mental symptoms currently, but older sucess stories dont seem to mention much.

really, as if the other symptoms aren't enough, my brain refuses to let me live in the present creates all sorts of negative feelings (regrets, failures, poor decisions). anybody else have nonstop ruminations about their past? my mind is stuck analyzing a previous relationship and i am pulled to believe i shouldn't have broken up with my ex, that if i didn't, i wouldn't be suffering like this right now. i fall into a negative comparison trap of learning about his fiance, how she is prettier than me, how he is living the life of his dreams traveling the world. this is someone *I* broke up with more than 4 years ago, yet my mind is just fixated on analyzing how i was the one in the wrong in the relationship, how i deserve this suffering because of stuff i did and not being sensitive when i broke up with him, etc etc.

 

sorry i don't mean to dump my past relationship crap on all of you, just wondering if anyone else is also stuck ruminating and analyzing their life? it almost feels like the type of analyzation that occurs at one's deathbed. the kind where you go back and analyze where things went wrong in the decision making that eventually led to such a miserable outcome in life.

 

 

Yes, the intrusive thoughts seemed to come early on after I jumped and they were relentless. It's as if any skeleton in my closet that I had successfully dealt with pre-benzo was released again but PAWS not only opened the closet door, it handed the skeletons weapons as the came out! The thing is that it's quite difficult to cut the cyclical nature of it because your mind is trying to resolve the original issue (skeleton) and can't close the closet door on it, let alone push it back in and then toss the key away. Most of this ruminating happened for me at bed time. The closest I could come to getting some relief from this was to stop, and divert my attention by counting breaths. After about 5 months of this, it did fade however. It does occasionally give me a poke every now and then but is nowhere near as pointed as it used to be.

 

Just know that this is PAWS talking and messing with your head. It will eventually pass.

 

Feel better Ptsdm!

Unladen soul, thx for ur encouragement.

The negative rumination produces so much bad feelings it's so hard to tolerate. How did u cope? Is there anything that helps? Did it just lift one day?

Iv thought of my ex, and all my past decisions. And how she's ahead in life while I'm stuck in a hell shell probably never get to experience. Then I blame myself but I know I didn't know any better... It kills hw soul but at times the feeling desipate momentarily. This is crazy because it's mor than 7 years ago, I even got married to a good woman, why Im thinking about my ex is just beyond me! I also get this sadness prior sleeping, knowing that I'm going to wake up in benzo hell. Uts just amazing how much knowledge we know now about benzos and the common symptoms. Unreal I tell ya.

 

Liberty 🗽

Liberty, wow i hear ya. Are u happy in ur current marriage? I think there's something about benzos that puts our brain in the past. Maybe it's the inability to feel joy currently or live in the present or move forward. But I have my mom who is amazing caregiver I should be happy to spend time with her and be grateful I'm not alone in this fight. BUT WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT MY EX WHO I BROKE UP WITH FOR MANY REASONS and regretting it ..... ugh. At least he gets to experience marriage and wedding. It's so devestating to me that I may never find the one, or get married or have kids. The thought of having kids and ever having a setback and potentially messing them up with this level of responsibility. I'm so sad. My dreams are shattered. Everything I've ever worked for is gone. My nervous system injury is so severe. I've already sacrificed time, community for a career that demanded my entire energy and what am I rewarded with? I pursued god And faith. I would wake up at 6am every Sunday to prepare coffee for the church despite being so tired from work. All of that sacrifice and wanting to be a better person and fulfill my dreams, I end up with this disabled brain and this pathetic life. Well all I can conclude from this is that Satan won.

Unladen soul, thx for ur encouragement.

The negative rumination produces so much bad feelings it's so hard to tolerate. How did u cope? Is there anything that helps? Did it just lift one day?

 

 

Other than distracting myself by concentrating on counting my breaths (which sometimes helped, other times not so much), it felt as though there wasn't much more I could do but ride it out and try and believe that it would eventually pass, which it did. The ruminating doesn't seem to happen as much at bed time as it used to and isn't as nearly pointed as before. I expect it to continue to fade completely with time as will yours. I remember seeing a YouTube vid where a psychiatrist said that when dealing with anxiety, try and remember that these are all just thoughts and thoughts can't hurt you. 

unladen soul,

yah the only thing i can do is distract by playing mind numbing ipad games and watch tv and crochet. this is my life.

it's just been so ridiculously long it's hard not to believe this is permanent.

unladen soul,

yah the only thing i can do is distract by playing mind numbing ipad games and watch tv and crochet. this is my life.

it's just been so ridiculously long it's hard not to believe this is permanent.

 

The annoying thing for me was that I was on Ativan for only a couple of months, including  the taper (give or take a couple of weeks). I should have been done with this by now. Such a pisser!

 

I'm with you! Hang in there!

Same, I was on it for 1.5 months. And now my life is ruined

Hello everyone

Just want to say that I’m sorry for your suffering. I also have this life review and see everything I have ever done as negative. I don’t think is about your exes I believe it’s our injured mind trying to figure out the way out of this by looking for cause. I have loving husband and we have been married for 10 years very happy together but I still being tortured with negativity and past. I am scared that he probably doesn’t even love me anymore and is only with me because we have a daughter and maybe because he feels sorry for me. I know that my thoughts are so screwed and it is scary to not being able to reason but how can we do that with an injured brain.

There is no human being who is perfect and without mistakes in past but they just go on living because their brain is not injured.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I frequently find myself living in the past. Longing for the “better days” of the past. I have a hard time living in the present sometimes. It’s almost as if I consider my life over at this point and there is nothing good for me on the horizon.  I don’t know that I am explaining this accurately...I’ts just all so strange!