Minutes away from facility for dementia, following 5day detox

Following a 6day detox, arrangements were made to transfer me from an inpatient psych facility to a long term care facility for dementia. Yes, that's how severe my withdrawal symptoms were. I know you don't just catch dementia in a week or two. Thank God, I had enough sense, knowledge of my rights, and just enough communication skills to request a 48 hour release. This psych hospital applied an alcohol detox protocol to a 25 year Rx=compliant dependence on benzodiazepines. A dependency that started with ativan and ending the last 15 years with Klonopin. For weeks now I've grown so weary that I'm now begun fighting SI daily, more specifically nightly. For 8 weeks I've followed a extreme self/care regime with no outside support, not for lack of pleading, but can't find any resources. Self care consists of healthiest affordable diet (no processed foods, low to no sodium, sugar, caffeine, and saturated fats) plenty of fresh produce with magnesium and potassium rich foods, adequate hydration, sleep hygiene, CBT skills, yoga, deep breathing, 30-40 min walk as able, no medications except tylenol, and aspirin. I see no pattern of benefit or exacerbation with diet, OTC meds or lifestyle. So frustrated.

I was positive that the "protracted withdrawal" business was over-reported and I would recover within a few weeks. Bolstering my thinking was having successful gone through nasty opiate withdrawal years ago without PAWS, I was certain this would not be any worse...but it is bad. This is hell. Far worse. It's as if Satin himself reaches up from Hell and pinches random parts of my body and brain, producing unpredictable,bizarre, but always painful or bizarre sensations to accompany a symphony of intense pain and prolonged insomnia.

Tonight, I'm scared. Not just the regular unrelenting anxiety, but thoughts that now seem rational, I can't do this anymore. The pain, the lack of sleep. I've not had more than 1.5 hours sleep at any time for nearly 3 months. I am going out of my mind. And yet, I still have more clarity at times than I've had for many years. I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BENZO but I do want sleep, balance, and freedom from unrelenting spasms and nerve pain. I called every place I could think of and there is no help. Ironic, since the U of A and Banner Health just hosted a benzodiazapine awareness workshop in my town. Ironic because it was a Banner/UofA psych MD that referred me to the 5day inpatient detox. I'm livid when I find myself preparing to die, trying to post notes in explanations to things for my children. Certainly not with intention of self harm but what I believe to be inevitable. I don't believe it is humanly possible to sustain this distress much longer. I'm having a good enough day today that I can actually type this intro. For that I'm grateful. I'm wearing thin on practicing gratitude and positive thoughts. I am human. I'm at my wits ends. Perhaps quite literally. Forgive the current cliche. I'm 66 with 2 adult children, both out of state and so unfamiliar with psych inpatient procedures and benzodiazapines specifically that they blame me for being so compliant with the docs, the Rx and the detox. They know the person I once was, and cannot imagine allowing such abuse. I understand their ignorance. Unless you've been through the inpatient process and know that the facility's threat of an involutary commitment is most likely (and certainly, in my case) an empty one to elicit compliance and justify the maximim number of days to bill. 

I will go anywhere for help and follow any sane, helpful advice. When you've gone inpatient and were harmed, where do you turn. Especially, when speech and balance is impaired. I can't drive, I live upstairs and sometime balance is so bad, I cannot leave my apartment. Some days speech is so impaired, I can't ask for help. I've had groceries delivered on days I can manage the logistics of ordering and receiving. Simple things have become monumental tasks. I contacted every support for mental healt. I've been to ER twice and was sadmitted the second time to the Neuro unit to rule out a stroke. Very expensive test ruled out a cardiac event. I won't go again, as I've now read that there is nothing they can do. The offending staff at the shrink's office did send a cop twice to make sure I was still alive. I was deeply offended. See if I'm still alive? That was it? I don't want to just be alive. I'd like to go on living. Anyone that doesn't see the difference shouldn't be in the mental health business. Always so compliant and so forgiving...this time I'm so very angry. I try to convert this anger to energy to keep up this fight. I can't do this alone and don't know where or to whom to turn.

I'd rather be inspiring others than begging for help...but like everyone else...I need help. Btw, where are the @#$% lawyers? Who will pay for all those tests, the lost time. Rehab or as the hospital predicted, a long term care facility. Wow, all those mental health agencies competing for your insurance enrollment...disappear when I ask for help now. I rambled to exhaustion. Thx.

Hello Iriswoman!

Welcome to Benzobuddies.  I'm glad you've joined us.

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so lousy.  Detox facilities have a poor record for benzo recovery.  Bodies just seem more prone to long-term shock when benzo dosing is abruptly changed.  So we usually recommend a nice slow taper (often taking a full year) to help minimize that shock and reduce withdrawal symptoms. 

I type that line about slow tapers for all new-comers, but I'll be honest - I didn't taper.  I stopped abruptly and thought (like you) that I could get thru the withdrawal quickly.  Took longer than I'd hoped and it was harder than I expected, but I did get all better.  I'm sure you will too in time.  The symptoms you describe are very common during benzo withdrawal.  I too was bouncing off walls (figuratively and literally), and had speech and big time sleep issues. 

If you haven’t already done so, please take a thorough look at the Ashton Manual.  It is an authoritative guide to benzodiazepine tapering and includes sections on what to expect during withdrawal.  The manual can be found at this link:  http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual

I'll give you a couple of links to areas in the forum that I think will be useful.  The first is the Post-Withdrawal section.  This is for individuals who have completed their taper (as it were), and are continuing with their recovery.  Post-withdrawal Recovery Support

Here's a link to the insomnia support area of the forum.  Sleep was a bit issue for me during my withdrawal, but it did slowly improve.  Perhaps you can pick up a tip or two to help you get through those sleepless nights.  Insomnia 

Please take some time to Create a Signature. This will help other members understand your history so they will be better able to support you.

Go to the top of the page and select Profile, then choose Forum Profile, insert drug history/timelines into the text box and click Change Profile.

Again, welcome! 

Irishwoman, I empathize when hearing of your story and I am reminded of an article in the Irish Examiner which you may find interesting:

https://www.irishexaminer.com/lifestyle/healthandlife/tranquiliser-trap-the-pain-of-long-term-injury-455251.html

Rest assured that you are not alone in dealing with the symptoms related to benzos and benzo withdrawal.

I hope you will find some comfort from others who share this dilemma and I hope you are able to find a path to ease your symptoms. Sincere Best Wishes

Unfortunately  there is no help that will change your symptoms.

You can get online support from forums and also from Baylissa Frederick and Dr Jennifer Leigh if you want some one to be help and can pay for it.

The only thing that can help is time esp if you are managing g clean diet and all the other good stuff you are doing.