Fear of my own thoughts

I've heard people talk about developing irrational fears of dogs etc. It seems my fear has attached itself to all my thoughts. I have this overwhelming fear of my brain and mind. It is torture every second. I'm scared of thinking but my mind won't stop racing.

 

Im trapped in my own head. 

 

Im going absolutely insane.

I've heard people talk about developing irrational fears of dogs etc. It seems my fear has attached itself to all my thoughts. I have this overwhelming fear of my brain and mind. It is torture every second. I'm scared of thinking but my mind won't stop racing.

 

Im trapped in my own head. 

 

Im going absolutely insane.

 

I think you mentioned seeing a psychiatrist. What did he/she say about your condition?

He told me to go back on benzos.

He told me to go back on benzos.

 

Find a different doctor. I'm surprised he said that. My doc wouldn't put someone on benzos again. She doesn't use it for first line treatment for anything.

 

Edit: added text.

There's really nothing a psychiatrist or psychologist can do for me in this situation.  My brain has been hijacked. 

It will definitely pass off given time, i don't think going on a benzo is a good idea, psychiatrist is taking a lazy way out imo, basically he can't help you so wants to shut you up. I've learned that time, patience and acceptance are my best tools in this horror show.

It will definitely pass off given time, i don't think going on a benzo is a good idea, psychiatrist is taking a lazy way out imo, basically he can't help you so wants to shut you up. I've learned that time, patience and acceptance are my best tools in this horror show.

 

My psychiatrist is actually a really nice guy but I don't think he really knows everything about this benzo stuff.  He wants me to reinstate to do a long slow taper.  It seems like time doesn't work for a lot of people on here.  I know that I don't have the willpower to do this for years.  I know certain symptoms allow for waiting it out but non-stop racing thoughts and SI isn't possible to wait out especially for 4,5,6 years. Trapped in hell on earth.  I want to go home!

It will definitely pass off given time, i don't think going on a benzo is a good idea, psychiatrist is taking a lazy way out imo, basically he can't help you so wants to shut you up. I've learned that time, patience and acceptance are my best tools in this horror show.

 

My psychiatrist is actually a really nice guy but I don't think he really knows everything about this benzo stuff.  He wants me to reinstate to do a long slow taper.  It seems like time doesn't work for a lot of people on here.  I know that I don't have the willpower to do this for years.  I know certain symptoms allow for waiting it out but non-stop racing thoughts and SI isn't possible to wait out especially for 4,5,6 years. Trapped in hell on earth.  I want to go home!

 

Options:

 

1. Try the reinstatement and taper.

2. Try other drugs like ADs or anti psychotics.

3. Do nothing.

 

What are you inclined to do?

I'm already on Remeron and it does nothing for the mental symptoms.  I've tried Seroquel.  The first dose helped maybe 40% and every other dose after that backfired.  The only benzo I could reinstate on is Xanax.  I can't tolerate Klonopin and I am an ultra-rapid metabolizer of valium and I smoke so it will be like I never took anything at all.  I argue with myself all day long about it without any control.  It drives me insane.  I guess the only thing I can do really is nothing and hope that the everyone heals mantra is true. 

This probably won’t help but you could try it.

 

If you are able to get in a physically comfortable  position do that. If you can sit like meditating that is good.

 

Breathe in slowly and then out and try to let your whole body relax (mine, unfortunately is rigid with spasm in allpositions).

 

Do the breath thing a few times.

 

No start to class t down from 10 to 0 at a pace that feels tight for you. Don’t try hard just let yourself count down.

 

When you get to 0 start at 10 again.

 

If you loose track and the terror of thoughts is there when you can just go back to counting.

 

Worth a go.

Friend you really are going through a rough phase. I have been facing those problems too but not as severe as yours. CBT has been life saving for me. I had been on clonazepam for about 5 years and after i quit my life was teared apart. But i must admit only after 3 sessions of CBT, i am more confident to face my problems and there has been tremendous decline in my fear. Otherwise i kept on obessing about things and was always frightened.

Why don't you give it a try.

I've been doing CBT for 10 years. When your symptoms are so severe nothing helps. Thanks for the suggestion though.

I honestly really think that you need to start forcing yourself to do stuff and just accept that this is going to be the way things are going to be while you're healing. That's all I was ever able to do in my first year. The more that I fixated, researched and tried to find ways to lessen it or make it stop, the worse of a time that I had.

 

It seems like you might be stuck in the mindset that distraction is supposed to make it stop or make it so you forget about it or stop noticing it. It doesnt work that way, atleast it never did for me. It was all about accepting that what was happening was withdrawal and that there wasnt a damn thing that I could do about it. I had to learn to leave it alone and just let the hyperawareness be there along with the fear and racing thoughts.

 

You have to detach from researching or compulsively reading and trying to "figure it out," because that only feeds it. It wasnt until I left it alone that it started to fade. I used thought stopping, in the way of cutting off the thoughts and fear about it when they would race through my head. Or I'd let my mind race and just ignore it while I did other stuff. Only thing that worked.

 

Now, at around 29 months out, I'm able to go a good majority of my time feeling normal and being able to go to work or drive, go out with friends, game etc without the hyperawareness taking up all of my thought space. I used to have it so bad that it felt like I didnt even have the ability to think about anything else and I felt so screwed. The SI was severe and felt like my only option for awhile, but I endured.

 

But before this, I had your severe levels of hyperawareness for about a year before I figured out it was the benzos and then went through it for another year post cold turkey. Now it only hits hard during waves and is all but gone during windows.

 

The fear that it's something else, something more severe and the fear that it's not withdrawal and you might be stuck this way forever is fueling your need for reassurance and research into it and it fuels the hyperawareness OCD. I promise you, if you learn to just leave it alone, you will have a much easier time. You will heal from it regardless, though. I was always told that and never believed it, but I have healed. Like I said, I can go days without it now. And it's not just going to vanish for a few days if it werent healing from benzo damage.

 

So find solace that someone else that has/had the exact same severity of symptoms is having windows related to healing and stop letting your mind question whether it's actually withdrawal for you. Worst thing I ever did.

Hi LiveAboveIt - Thanks for the post.  I never felt the compulsion to read or research as much as I do now.  I'm stuck on Remeron and my mind tells me the Remeron is making me more compulsive than ever.  Same with chain-smoking.  I have two things going against me now that I didn't have 2 months ago.  I missed my Remeron dose last night and the pacing akathesia is back full force.  If I ever heal from this benzo nightmare than I have Remeron to taper off and I can already tell it's going to be a nightmare. 

 

I'm scared of thinking but at the same time my thoughts race and loop about anything and everything.  Even bringing my awareness to the present moment doesn't feel right.  It's like my brain and body are waiting for an external threat at all times.

 

I'm never not aware of what I am feeling and thinking.  If it was just the hyperawareness OCD than i could deal with it but its the non-stop earworms and intrusive looping thoughts that are driving me insane. 

 

I don't have the fight left in me anymore to do this for years and years only to be sensitized for life and have to live in fear of getting setback from 100s of different things.  That is no way to live.  I have no friends and haven't had any for a very long time.  I can't listen to music because everything reminds me of all the times I screwed up in my life and makes me cry.  I'm so incredibly depressed ontop of everything else.

 

 

Edit:content

#1. Read the book called "the way of the iceman" https://www.amazon.com/Way-Iceman-Health-Using-Cold-Training-Commitment-ebook/dp/B01N1UGTF9

 

just after doing the breathing exercises, i made a radical improvement the next day. My breathing was that of a man running a marathon!! Start with slowing the breath (exercises) and the body will follow. If you can get yourself to do the cold baths, your recovery will accelerate. But something tells me you won't because you can't find it in you to quit smoking. Prove us wrong!

 

# 2, please list all the meds, food, drink and supplements you ingest on a regular and even non regular basis

 

#3 do you exercise?

 

waiting for your responses

50shadesofdre - I don't take any supplements.  Only 15mg of Remeron.  I tried two supplements (oxaloacetate and white Chesnut) and I had extreme reactions to them.  I have a very strict diet (no sugar, dairy, gluten).  It's been the same for 11 months.  I walk about 3 miles a day.  Smoke about a pack a day.

I honestly really think that you need to start forcing yourself to do stuff and just accept that this is going to be the way things are going to be while you're healing. That's all I was ever able to do in my first year. The more that I fixated, researched and tried to find ways to lessen it or make it stop, the worse of a time that I had.

 

It seems like you might be stuck in the mindset that distraction is supposed to make it stop or make it so you forget about it or stop noticing it. It doesnt work that way, atleast it never did for me. It was all about accepting that what was happening was withdrawal and that there wasnt a damn thing that I could do about it. I had to learn to leave it alone and just let the hyperawareness be there along with the fear and racing thoughts.

 

You have to detach from researching or compulsively reading and trying to "figure it out," because that only feeds it. It wasnt until I left it alone that it started to fade. I used thought stopping, in the way of cutting off the thoughts and fear about it when they would race through my head. Or I'd let my mind race and just ignore it while I did other stuff. Only thing that worked.

 

Now, at around 29 months out, I'm able to go a good majority of my time feeling normal and being able to go to work or drive, go out with friends, game etc without the hyperawareness taking up all of my thought space. I used to have it so bad that it felt like I didnt even have the ability to think about anything else and I felt so screwed. The SI was severe and felt like my only option for awhile, but I endured.

 

But before this, I had your severe levels of hyperawareness for about a year before I figured out it was the benzos and then went through it for another year post cold turkey. Now it only hits hard during waves and is all but gone during windows.

 

The fear that it's something else, something more severe and the fear that it's not withdrawal and you might be stuck this way forever is fueling your need for reassurance and research into it and it fuels the hyperawareness OCD. I promise you, if you learn to just leave it alone, you will have a much easier time. You will heal from it regardless, though. I was always told that and never believed it, but I have healed. Like I said, I can go days without it now. And it's not just going to vanish for a few days if it werent healing from benzo damage.

 

So find solace that someone else that has/had the exact same severity of symptoms is having windows related to healing and stop letting your mind question whether it's actually withdrawal for you. Worst thing I ever did.

 

LAI-

 

I just read your post, and it feels to be quite useful. Thank you for this. Looking back, I think I've always had a tenancy to ruminate in general and PAWS tends to amplify that sort of thing. It's like constantly picking at a scab to see if there's actually healing that's continuing underneath whereas if I just let it be for a time, it would be less stressful. I think I just have to recognize and remind myself that this is just PAWS talking, ignore it and move ahead. I have to get past the notion that if I could just figure it all out and be able to explain it to myself or anyone else for that matter, this nightmare would be over. I'd be interested in hearing more about your "thought-stopping" process.

 

Thanks again.

I hear you.. I hope you do not drink alcohol.. cause that and benzo is pretty much the same thing when it comes to the way it affects our brain. I looked up Remeron.. it is a pretty psychologically complex drug. Can you go on something less invasive for sleep such as Seroquel or Trazadone? like an anti-psychotic.

 

Our bodies at this point are addicted to anything external that will give it any kind of relaxation. Smokes do the trick, i know myself. But we must force the body to start produce its own relaxation chemistry.

 

When my heart starts racing during the day, I take a melatonin and a mix of herbal sleep aid herbs such as valerian root, ashwaganda and lavender. Vitamin B3 (nicotinic acid, that is the same stuff that gives you a buzz from a cigarette) (you want the flush) helps. It realeases an immediate flush of blood through your body and will give you an hours break from the pain.

 

And look into the Wim Hof method if your are serious about getting better. You have to want it!

I appreciate the advice but I need to hear from someone who has actually gone through what I am.  I know you're trying to help but considering your main symptoms are tinnitus and heart palpitations it doesn't even come close to where I am at in this recovery process.  I have had a racing mind for 11.5 months straight.  I don't mean an intrusive thought here and there I'm talking about RACING to point you can't even remember one single thing you were just thinking about.  I don't drink any alcohol and haven't the entire time.  You might not be experiencing severe withdrawals because of all of the stuff you are taking are GABA agonists.  Especially valerian and niacin.  Maybe go a week without them and see how you feel. I've tried Seroquel and it made me even more psychotic.  Also, I don't want to risk developing a permanent movement disorder from it.  Again I appreciate the help but there are different levels to benzo hell that you couldn't even imagine. 

Am truly sorry you're in a state of terror. I feel much the same way. I freak out really bad at thoughts that cross my mind. Has been, as you said, an insane ordeal.

 

I have been in that place! And I get out with mindfulness practice, during my withdrawal. But it was costant and long practice. I read the book Full Catastrophe Living by K.Zinn. He explains a 8 week practice of meditation, and I did it. Many scientific papers speak about the good effects on brain of these 8 weeks of practice. I'm a testimonial it works greatly. When the fear is present, once one is more able in meditating, could be a good idea observing for long the fear itself. And observing the thoughts. Emotions are only emotions, and thoughts are only thoughts. This was liberating for me,  but tough. Stopping run away from the thoughts, until one looks them for what they really are (nothing).

 

Another very important thing is that negativity feeds the OCD disorder. It could be very important doing things that one feel

to be positive, at least a bit, and for a long time.

 

Failureisnotanoption, maybe is my impression, but in your nick I see you are too hard with yourself. You can fail, everyone can fail.. no guilt and no hurry..

 

I'm sorry you are in that place, I hope you can feel good very soon. I suffered from OCD disorder for almost 10 years before beginning taking benzo, and then again during wd, so I know what it is.

 

 

 

 

I've heard people talk about developing irrational fears of dogs etc. It seems my fear has attached itself to all my thoughts. I have this overwhelming fear of my brain and mind. It is torture every second. I'm scared of thinking but my mind won't stop racing.

 

Im trapped in my own head. 

 

Im going absolutely insane.

 

Sorry that you are having to go through this. I know that early on, I had a number of intrusive thoughts that seemed relentless but they eventually passed. Feel better.

I appreciate the advice but I need to hear from someone who has actually gone through what I am.  I know you're trying to help but considering your main symptoms are tinnitus and heart palpitations it doesn't even come close to where I am at in this recovery process.  I have had a racing mind for 11.5 months straight.  I don't mean an intrusive thought here and there I'm talking about RACING to point you can't even remember one single thing you were just thinking about.  I don't drink any alcohol and haven't the entire time.  You might not be experiencing severe withdrawals because of all of the stuff you are taking are GABA agonists.  Especially valerian and niacin.  Maybe go a week without them and see how you feel. I've tried Seroquel and it made me even more psychotic.  Also, I don't want to risk developing a permanent movement disorder from it.  Again I appreciate the help but there are different levels to benzo hell that you couldn't even imagine.

 

Gaba agonists do not all bind to receptors. Valerian binds to a receptor subunit and niacin stimulates the receptors.