Month 10

I am 6 days into month 10. I really don't know how I am still alive. As more time goes on the more aware I have become of this whole process. I thought acute only lasted a few months and then you would get windows and waves. That's what kept me alive and fighting in the beginning. I am still in severe acute with mental symptoms that I can't even explain.

 

I hate being aware and scared if every thought that comes into my head. I hate the parrot in my head that repeats everything I read and watch. I hate the terror in my brain that lasts all day long. I hate not being able to distract from my symptoms. I hate monitoring my thoughts and feelings all day long. I hate the inner monologue that tortures me all day long and fights back and forth.

I hate the inner monologue that tortures me all day long and fights back and forth.

 

I'm dealing with this right now. It's horrible.

thinkstopthink - I'm sorry to hear you have this too.  Does it feel like your fighting with yourself constantly?  For example, lately, I have been thinking of reinstating and my thoughts/brain will conjure up different scenarios and just race with "this will happen" and "but if you do that you going to have to do this".  I've had it for 11 months straight now.  It's horrible.

thinkstopthink - I'm sorry to hear you have this too.  Does it feel like your fighting with yourself constantly?  For example, lately, I have been thinking of reinstating and my thoughts/brain will conjure up different scenarios and just race with "this will happen" and "but if you do that you going to have to do this".  I've had it for 11 months straight now.  It's horrible.

 

Having those ****** up thoughts. Everything good I’ve done seems fraudulent, everything I’ve ****** up seems magnified. Uhg.

 

 

Edit: profanity

thinkstopthink - I'm sorry to hear you have this too.  Does it feel like your fighting with yourself constantly?  For example, lately, I have been thinking of reinstating and my thoughts/brain will conjure up different scenarios and just race with "this will happen" and "but if you do that you going to have to do this".  I've had it for 11 months straight now.  It's horrible.

 

Having those fucked up thoughts. Everything good I’ve done seems fraudulent, everything I’ve fucked up seems magnified. Uhg.

 

Omg yes. My entire life seems like a failure. I can't stop ruminating all day long on how I went wrong and people who hurt me. I'm just pure negativity and anger. I know how absurd it is but I can't stop.

thinkstopthink - I'm sorry to hear you have this too.  Does it feel like your fighting with yourself constantly?  For example, lately, I have been thinking of reinstating and my thoughts/brain will conjure up different scenarios and just race with "this will happen" and "but if you do that you going to have to do this".  I've had it for 11 months straight now.  It's horrible.

 

Having those fucked up thoughts. Everything good I’ve done seems fraudulent, everything I’ve fucked up seems magnified. Uhg.

 

Omg yes. My entire life seems like a failure. I can't stop ruminating all day long on how I went wrong and people who hurt me. I'm just pure negativity and anger. I know how absurd it is but I can't stop.

 

I do the exact same thing daily. I’m very aware of my thoughts and how they are controlling me and keeping me from having any kind of peace but I am in a constant deep sadness with thoughts of my life and I’m so ashamed of my life and the person I am. I feel like a failure and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I tried having hope for a while but I’m 5 months off now and more depressed than ever. My acne is scarring my jaw, my face hurts from rashes and dermatitis. My anxiety is unbearable. I don’t know who I am when I look in the mirror. I can’t leave the house. I stopped working out (I had kept that up this whole time until now) I’m losing hope fast.

Hi troops

 

I have a fair few physical symptoms but also suffer from anxiety and low mood , I mean who wouldn’t going through this nightmare! Anyway my CBT therapist gave me a couple of things to do to try and help with ruminating, looping thoughts , anxious thoughts etc , write down what’s on your mind , scale it from 1-10 how much it’s freaking you out , write down the way it’s making you feel then write down a more balanced view of it , also work out if it’s a hypothetical worry or real , normally it’s hypothetical but if it’s real write down how you can resolve it then mark down 1-10 again and hopefully the score will have come down a bit. Also every time yuk thoughts/worries come into your head , acknowledge them but say to yourself you’ll think about it later , give yourself a set “ worry” time each day , I try this but it takes practice, sometimes by the time it gets to my “ worry” time I’ve forgotten, of course we have trillions of crappy thought all day but it’s worth giving these things a go .

 

Hope and healing to all

 

PO