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Metacognition/Introspection/Hyperawareness of thinking/thoughts


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I've realized what makes me feel insane 24/7 is the hyperawareness of thinking OCD.  I developed it around month 4 and it made all my other symptoms so much worse because it takes away the ability to distract and be in the present moment. 

 

It also goes by other names such as introspection or metacognition. 

 

I am constantly aware of what I am thinking all the time.  My brain reacts to normal thoughts as if they are intrusive.  I see myself thinking and monitoring the thoughts.

 

Does anyone else have anything like this?  If so, how did you overcome it? 

 

I have only found one other buddy on here that has it.  Maybe others have it but can't find the words to describe it?

 

I really hope this goes away and I'm not stuck like this forever.

 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Wow thanks a lot for finding this out. It makes perfect sense. I'm always cautious of my thoughts and I question them if they make sense. Some don't of course but some are and I'm just questioning everything
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Same here.

It seems that I just can't let go of my thoughts.

 

This night I woke up 2 times in a terror state, thinking about all my mental symtoms and it drove me crazy. I mean, i was SURE I was crazy. I'm still not good right know (it's 7.30 am here).

 

It looks like this in my head:

 

"I feel I'm becoming crazy.

- I'm so desperate to find peace again.

- Why can't I just relax ?

- It's because I have depression, anxiety, OCD thoughts.

- Hell, maybe I suffer a huge psychic disease ?

- Am I bipolar ?

- I feel so so bad it seems I could be able to hurt.

- Wait, how can I feel so bad that I think of the possibility to hurt myself ?

- I must have become crazy.

- No, I am crazy. Nothing makes sense anymore.

- I'm fucked up. I want to cry and I can't even do this.

- I'm a prisoner of my mind.

- Which means... Yeah. I'M TOTALLY CRAZY. I lost my sanity."

*freak out even more *

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I've realized what makes me feel insane 24/7 is the hyperawareness of thinking OCD.  I developed it around month 4 and it made all my other symptoms so much worse because it takes away the ability to distract and be in the present moment. 

 

It also goes by other names such as introspection or metacognition. 

 

 

Just a "me too" note. What you've described, much of it seems 'akin' to both PTSD (esp. Hypervigilance / awareness) and the 'metacognition' part? OCD? I relate strongly with Autism Spectrum.

 

The GOOD news* - I had those things Decades before Demon Xan. Found creative ways to "turn them for good", or amuse myself. Life had laughter, dignity - even with "all the things".

 

The SAD news: When 'interdose wd' snuck up, the nimble coping / enjoyment skills eroded rapidly. It took months of "Where am I going, and why am I in this Hand-basket?" to finally make it here.

 

I've Noted: Some rational posts of folks here far longer than me, speculating if enduring 'Discontinuation' had not invoked some form of trauma / PTSD

 

* I'll surely still have "all the things" if I don't get Alzheimers coming off. MAYBE some of the "nimble wit" (or laughter?) will eventually come back. It's CERTAIN they'll be gone forever if I don't try

 

Am working on acceptance of "lost my nimble's" and now "the things" are crippling. Please know life CAN have meaning, joy, and value - even with "those things".

 

HANG TOUGH

LC

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  • 2 weeks later...
Yep, that explains exactly what we all have.  But one thing we can all be sure of, at least if you never had this before benzos - is that the benzos have caused our brains to have this sort of repetitive PTSD, Metacognition thingy that you've described.  I have yet to see the same issue with any females, interestingly enough.  I've read about 5-10 posts all from men describing this very symptom.  Hmmm, food for thought.  The women seem to have more intrusive thoughts and other various things like that, but for some reason, I've only found that men have this metacog, PTSD introspection type of thing going on.  Anyways, I can only hope that it goes away some day.  It's not normal.  It's benzo. 
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  • 3 weeks later...

I have this too. 2 weeks after CT Xanax onset of sensomotoric OCD. Basically hyperawareness of blinking, breathing with a mix of "OCD goes meta" like obsessing about obsessing. You are just aware of things that shouldnt be aware of, things that goes naturally normally, but you just notice them and it gives distress.

I have never had intrusive thoughts or OCD ever in my life so it was the worst and scariest WD symtom. I found CBT OCD specialist in my area and working with ERP - exposure response prevention. The important thing is the thought is just a thought - either its thought about thought, its a brain electrical activity. It has no meaning it comes and goes. Just notice it.. feel the unconfortable feeling and keep doing what u would wanna do that moment if you didnt  have that kind of thought at first place.

Mindfulness is important tool dealing with intrusive thoughts. Noticing all that thought flow without reacting them. Its not smth that comes naturally but its a skill to be learned.

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Hey Guys,

 

Check out posts by LiveAboveIt. He suffered very badly with hyperawareness/OCD and has recently posted an update on the post-taper board, it finally lifted around months 29-30. He wasn't convinced it was WD until one fine day...

 

Keep going,

Julz

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Thank you, Julz.  :smitten:

 

This was absolutely my worst symptom throughout the entirety of my withdrawal and even before I realized that it was the benzos causing this while I was still on them during and after kindling. I felt like I was insane. Mine started with hyperawareness sensorimotor breathing OCD after I kindled the Klonopin for the first time. I was put in SNRI's and Klonopin to help 'casually' treat my social anxiety and mild GAD. Never before had any issues with OCD or hyperawareness aside from socially until I was put on benzos.

 

It slowly graduated to hyper-awareness thinking OCD but would flick between sensorimotor physical stuff like mentioned previously in this thread. Had all of them at one point. Also saw an OCD specialist locally and was taught to allow them to be there. Breathing is just breathing, thoughts are just thoughts. Radical acceptance is what got me through. Freaking out and fixating on the fact that something might be wrong with you, worrying about why you're having these symptoms and if they will ever go away fuels them and makes them so much worse.

 

Seeing the therapist and working towards this progress did not remove the symptoms, it simply allowed me to find a way to cope with having it. That was the lesson. Learning to accept that this was happening to me and allowing the symptoms to be there, however distressing they may be. Mine were so severe that I thought I was suffering from some form of psychosis and was paired with incredibly heavy DP/DR. I felt so disconnected from my thoughts that it felt like someone was in my head thinking for me. I was filled with incessant intrusive thoughts and just a wicked general fear that I could do nothing about. My brain wanted to fixate and fear these things that were normal for everyone else and nobody ever thought about.

 

It wasn't until I began to heal that I started noticing a difference. Sure, I'd have the rare window for a day or half a day where I noticed it was more mild and not as intense early on. But these were few and far between. It wasn't until around month 29 that I got hit with a massive window and it all just kind of faded. I would have weird thoughts here and there and the symptoms would crop up sometimes, but they just wouldn't attach and remain like they used to when I suffered 24/7 everyday. Much easier to dismiss and not get fixated and sometimes would just float away on their own.

 

It was not anything that I did, it just kind of happened on it's own. I began healing heavily, just like everyone before us said. It just happened. And prior to this, I was in absolute hell with these symptoms, fearing that I would never get better and that this was just a defunct brain and I'd have to get used to it. I kind of just made peace with that and tried to endure the harshness of the symptoms.

 

It does get better and you're not screwed or crazy. I know it's difficult to believe this. Somehow you're different. Everyone else got lucky. They didn't have it as bad as you. What if I'm different. Or people can't possibly relate to the severity of my symptoms. These symptoms aren't common, so is this still withdrawal or is my brain just fcked? I had all of these thoughts too, on a daily basis. Hang in there.

 

I don't consider myself 100%, but everything is so much better and I can finally see the healing happening. It's not insanity like it was. Gone are the days of trying to weather the storm, feeling like I'm dying or inevitably going to go absolutely insane.

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Thank YOU, LiveAboveIt!!  :smitten:

 

It's such a wonderful feeling to see a fellow warrior whose struggling you've witnessed finally turning his very own corner. I'm so incredibly happy for you, and very grateful to you coming back to testify now that things have become some much better!

Again, it shows perseverance pays off. You're following your very own healing journey, but gradually healing like everyone else  :thumbsup:

 

Congratulations dear Warrior Friend!

 

Hugs,

Julz

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I'm struggling very bad with OCD as well but it's a little different than the hyperawareness of thoughts and introspection. Mine has turned into a nagging fear, every second, about being around my daughter. I can't get it out of my mind, even when I'm at work. Then when I am around her, I am completely scared the entire time and want to escape. I basically have an aversion to my house now as a result. Could this all be just because of withdrawal? I took care of my daughter for a full month on my own prior to this benzo nightmare when she was three months old. Also, during the time I wasn't taking the benzos, during her first year, I was not fixated on my daughter while at work.
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I find myself getting racing thoughts about my past, relatives who have died, and fears about the future.

 

I suffered from these types of intrusive thoughts for a long time. Over two years, I guess. I was completely fixated on mortality of myself and others. I felt like a very old person marching toward imminent death. Everything took on a fearful perspective.

 

I don’t ruminate on this as much as I used to, thankfully. I’m trying to live more in the moment but it takes time for the glutamate to stabilize and the amygdala to heal. I believe that damage is what’s causing this symptom.

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Thank you, Julz.  :smitten:

 

This was absolutely my worst symptom throughout the entirety of my withdrawal and even before I realized that it was the benzos causing this while I was still on them during and after kindling. I felt like I was insane. Mine started with hyperawareness sensorimotor breathing OCD after I kindled the Klonopin for the first time. I was put in SNRI's and Klonopin to help 'casually' treat my social anxiety and mild GAD. Never before had any issues with OCD or hyperawareness aside from socially until I was put on benzos.

 

It slowly graduated to hyper-awareness thinking OCD but would flick between sensorimotor physical stuff like mentioned previously in this thread. Had all of them at one point. Also saw an OCD specialist locally and was taught to allow them to be there. Breathing is just breathing, thoughts are just thoughts. Radical acceptance is what got me through. Freaking out and fixating on the fact that something might be wrong with you, worrying about why you're having these symptoms and if they will ever go away fuels them and makes them so much worse.

 

Seeing the therapist and working towards this progress did not remove the symptoms, it simply allowed me to find a way to cope with having it. That was the lesson. Learning to accept that this was happening to me and allowing the symptoms to be there, however distressing they may be. Mine were so severe that I thought I was suffering from some form of psychosis and was paired with incredibly heavy DP/DR. I felt so disconnected from my thoughts that it felt like someone was in my head thinking for me. I was filled with incessant intrusive thoughts and just a wicked general fear that I could do nothing about. My brain wanted to fixate and fear these things that were normal for everyone else and nobody ever thought about.

 

It wasn't until I began to heal that I started noticing a difference. Sure, I'd have the rare window for a day or half a day where I noticed it was more mild and not as intense early on. But these were few and far between. It wasn't until around month 29 that I got hit with a massive window and it all just kind of faded. I would have weird thoughts here and there and the symptoms would crop up sometimes, but they just wouldn't attach and remain like they used to when I suffered 24/7 everyday. Much easier to dismiss and not get fixated and sometimes would just float away on their own.

 

It was not anything that I did, it just kind of happened on it's own. I began healing heavily, just like everyone before us said. It just happened. And prior to this, I was in absolute hell with these symptoms, fearing that I would never get better and that this was just a defunct brain and I'd have to get used to it. I kind of just made peace with that and tried to endure the harshness of the symptoms.

 

It does get better and you're not screwed or crazy. I know it's difficult to believe this. Somehow you're different. Everyone else got lucky. They didn't have it as bad as you. What if I'm different. Or people can't possibly relate to the severity of my symptoms. These symptoms aren't common, so is this still withdrawal or is my brain just fcked? I had all of these thoughts too, on a daily basis. Hang in there.

 

I don't consider myself 100%, but everything is so much better and I can finally see the healing happening. It's not insanity like it was. Gone are the days of trying to weather the storm, feeling like I'm dying or inevitably going to go absolutely insane.

 

Youre talking to me man. I feel this. This has been my worst symptom ever. I can handle the dyslexia, memory loss, confusion but this symptom is just torture added with derealization. A complete nightmare package from hell. I'm always analyzing if whether my thoughts or what I say makes sense. I end up stuttering or not making sense at all. And lack of word recall makes matters worse. I'm hoping when I reach 29 months I'll be free from this demon symptom. I'm almost 4 months...... Fvck.

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  • 10 months later...
I found this in the search because I'm struggling mightily with it. Curious is anyone has any success? Would sris work? Mood stablizers? Definitely the worst symptom ever ugh.
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How long have you had it be interesting see how the previous people are now. Did message live above it but haven't heard back. His post gave me hope that eventually eased of their own accord. Mine seemed have racked up lot recently.
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  • 2 months later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Omg, I have this too. You described it perfectly.  Its so scary.  Its so hard not to go back and analyze it. Mine slowed down. I finally said to myself I do t care about these thoughts. Is it really worth it to get all freaked out when it has to be wd. I just have to trust and let the thoughts go, they are not true. No matter how much you think over and over you get nowhere and it gives it more power.  I feel like this really helped me. Or I will say,  your in wd you are not thinking rationally. If I wasn't in wd I wouldn't be thinking this stuff. Then you distract and and do emerging else. Meditations helped alot. I got headspace and its helping. You will get better, these mental sx are the messed up thoughts. I thought it 2as just me.
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  • 2 weeks later...

Did you have yourself calling yourself names in your mind ??? Like this is crazy !!!! So many names !! Your this . Your that...go do this...go do that....blah blah blah... What the heck ,????????? I mean come on ! I have become to observer ...and now I don't even feel like they are my own thoughts ! I am like who the hell is this person !!!  Am I losing it officially ????

 

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Yes!!! My brain was eveninsulting me. Then I was like, am I insulting myself.  Omg, it was awfulbjt it left as I stabilized more.  Some times I feel like there is a diffent person.  You not crazy. It will go away.

 

 

 

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I have this horrible horrible habit ....I can't really explain it ....I go in and out ...like I feel my head/ neck tense ...I go into my own mind and listen ( sounds crazy ) ...and it hurts like heck !!!! Every few seconds I am doing this now ....

It's like ...god I don't even know ....like hyperawareneas or hyperawareneas combined with this tick of going into my mind , with this always focused on the thoughts , even background stuff I neeeedddd to hear , tho I don't want too .. 

Gosh this is hard to explain . 

And I call myself names non stop now , and go over and over and over what happened ..  tell myself to end it constintly as I won't get better ..  and the anxiety !!! Beyond ! Normal thoughts make me feel anxious !!! What the heck .  And if I am not doing that , it feels like I have stopped my thoughts ..  like ..arg , I don't event know.... No natural flow anymore . 

I feel psychotic ...

 

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Its like you can't stop ruminating.  I di it too. You keep thinking the same scary thought and them why did I think it what does it mean anc it snowball and you get nowhere. Hampster on a wheel. Meditations can help, puzzles. Using, walking.  Kts a horrible sx,. Mines not as powerful today.  Im exhausted.  Your not crazy, its amazing the mental sx. On this drug.  Ugh
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I had everything you guys have listed and mentioned here and so all buddies who were at the same point in withdrawal like I was.

There are simply no words for this and I am sure that people who take certain types of drugs would experience that while being on it - but we have to experience that non stop 24/7 for months and sometimes even years in withdrawal.

 

At some point you might, as have so many others, reach a point where you accept that you will stay like that forever, and surrender. And then these events become like a background sound to your life, and slowly fade away the more you accept them. It like making peace with going crazy. Perhaps you cannot understand yet what I mean and I just want to say, hang in there, this is THE withdrawal symptom and it really disappears with time. I was polydrugged and could not make proper tapers, I was in this condition for over 2 years straight and I thought I would never be normal again.

 

I am normal again.  :smitten:

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Thanks Magnolia,

 

I do ok. Trying to accept them. Its seems like the less you care about them the weaker they get.  I gets so powerful andeoundslike its real and making sense or worth thinking about, but I guess it not. Sometimes I feel like I have to figure it all out so nothing bad like this can happen again. Hope this makes sense.  I guess you d9nt just go crazy out of the blue like this . There wouldn't even be a name for it.

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