I'm totally dumb now

8 months off and I'm dumb as a rock now. I can't think. I can still barely read. I couldn't study and pass a test for the life of me. All of my creativity is gone. I live in darkness and pain. I can't feel joy or love. There is nothing left of me. I used to feel great emotion for everything before coming off benzos and my whole life. I considered myself a strong thinker. I read a ton and was very creative.

I'm still on Geodon an anti-psychotic which I've now read shrinks your brain.

I don't know if I'm coming back from this.

Has anyone else felt totally dumb and removed from life and come back from it?

Hi,

Sorry to read of your struggles.  My time off ativan is a little out of the norm since I used a few doses last year when I was in the hospital.  As near as I can figure, my time off with symptoms seems to loosely follow some persons who stopped the same time as I did.  I cannot say I felt the extra doses affected me one way or another.  At the end of this month, I will be 3 years off since finishing my taper. 

I felt similarly to you in the approximate time frame as you.  It seems that at a year, I would start getting some 'flashes' (for lack of a better word) when my head felt cleared and my comprehension seemed much improved, even almost normal.  This would last for a few hours or even a day or day and a half and then I would feel dumb again.  I started getting more of these 'flashes' and took advantage of them as best I could.  I had less of them in the 18 month to 24 month range but I think I was getting poor blood flow to my brain due to horrendous afib attacks.  In the past 12 months, I would guess I am having an equal amount of good and bad comprehension times or even a little bit more of the good comprehension times. 

I really believe the afib/poor blood flow situation had a large negative impact so if I could throw that out, I would like to think the 'flashes' would have gained speed in longevity and frequency.  I have a genetic heart condition which likely predisposed me to the afib. 

Every day, I hope for the best and if I cannot take a step forward then I just hope to hold the ground I gained.  If I cannot, then tomorrow is another day. 

Good luck and blessings to you.

8 months off and I'm dumb as a rock now. I can't think. I can still barely read. I couldn't study and pass a test for the life of me. All of my creativity is gone. I live in darkness and pain. I can't feel joy or love. There is nothing left of me. I used to feel great emotion for everything before coming off benzos and my whole life. I considered myself a strong thinker. I read a ton and was very creative.

I'm still on Geodon an anti-psychotic which I've now read shrinks your brain.

I don't know if I'm coming back from this.

Has anyone else felt totally dumb and removed from life and come back from it?

I am sorry that you have to go through that, too. It is a common symptom, some people get hit by it in the last months of the taper, others months after being off.. For me the cognitive function was one of the first which came back then, but I had other issues which were with me a long time so I can understand that you are loosing hope right now. I know how it feels to have no connection to my real personality and creativity and let me tell you that it came back. After a while, like for many many others here on bb, emotions do come back, and your real self comes back or shows itself. It seems like the body knows exactly the right time when to start this process. I know people here who then started to cry for days and did not know why because emotions would hit them so intensely and I still remember a topic we had in which lots of us wrote down what they were able to do regarding the creativity, I remember one lady showed a photo - she had painted the floor of her apartment or house so beautifully!

Have trust in your body! Be kind to yourself and do things you have loved before, just to send a signal, but do not overdo things.

I am sending you a hug!

Marigold

I’m in the same boat.  Can’t read for the life of me.  Can’t concentrate at all.  Can’t feel joy.  Can’t really feel pain.  Just feel like shit. 

Why are you on the Geodon?  I’ve never taken it but I know it is a heavier antipsychotic.  Even people not going through benzo withdrawal feel like they’ve had a lobotomy.  Getting off that or switching to something else may help.  But, your cognition May still be pretty screwed for a while.  I’ve come to accept that. 

4ande2 Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about your heart condition and that you're dealing with this too. I'm glad with time it seems to be slowly improving. 

Marigold1 You say it came back for you early how soon?  Thank you for bringing me hope because that is how I feel. I feel so far away its odd and if I can think it's just on hurt and pain. It is strange a few weeks ago my emotions came back but they came back to stuff which happened 7 years ago before I was put on benzos and I could feel sadness even though I was still not thinking clearly but it was so nice to feel something other than numbness and anger. I literally listened to music and cried an entire day. It's hard to do normal things because I used to read, write and paint. I just can't think but I'm trying to start walking more that seems to help a bit. You have been at this awhile. Congrats to you for making it this far. Hugs. 

djej2010 I'm sorry you're feeling this too. It's so hard. My room is literally full of books and I don't feel able to read any of them or connected to any of my stuff. I can't tell from your profile are you still on any medication? Why do you say that about people on geodon feeling like they had a lobotomy? Is this one person ? I was put on it 7 years ago with benzos after I had a breakdown. I believe from a lot of abuse and trauma. I've never been on it without benzos. I have to say on benzos with it I was pretty normal but the benzos did erase my memory day to day and its like I was constantly slightly high for 7 years and many of my normal inhibitions were down. I really don't know if I can just come off it as I was poly drugged and just came off Prozac too. Plus doctors are telling me I have to stay on it.

My medication status is up in the air.  Seeing my psych tomorrow and going to ask if I can get off them.  I’ve had pretty bad depression for years, but I think a lot of it was related to the Klonopin just killing my brain.  Medications don’t seem to do much right now anyway so as good a time as any to try going without them. 

I just know that some people feel like zombies on certain antipsychotics.  I tried olanzipine and I can relate.  However, I took Abilify and thought that was a pretty good med.  Not for anxiety but for depression.

I wasn’t suggesting you get off Geodon.  I just know it’s an older antipsychotic that is typically farther down the list these days.  I’m sure the doc has his reasons.

sunlit, I did smile reading "I am as dumb as a rock". I know exactly what you mean. At 8 months, you are still in normal wd stuff and impaired thinking is extremely common. Maybe you COULD think okay but other symptoms flare up and make you feel crappy, so then you just don't try to be real logical. Try not to worry about this. This is totally normal for benzo wd and will pass when your brain heals a bit more. When I hit 8 months, I was horrified to find out that people here on BB thought I was still "early out." I had no idea bwd could last so long and be so intense.

I had to learn how to sort of function without being able to think clearly. I put myself on auto pilot, I guess. I was still having severe wd stuff at 8 months, but I was also practicing positivity and faking it to beat the band. I sensed that would help me so I just did it no matter how awful I felt. Because of the severity of my wd plus my actual physical condition (using a walker and weighing 85 lbs, etc) my ability to function was already limited. I sort of limped around. I managed to clean the kitty litter but it took a long time and was really painful for me. I managed to care for my cats, because of how uch I loved them all. At that point I had only one friend (benzo brain had pushed away all my old ones) but that friend has his own serious mental issues and really could not understand what I was going through. My only real support was BB.

Odd, but 8 months seems to be some sort of important milestone for many people.

Don't give up, sunlit. You will survive this, just as I did and so many others. I know it feel "final" and simply dreadful and you do wonder if you will make it through.  You will as long as yo keep doing the positive things you already do and keep posting. One suggestion (one I gave myself back then) is to give someone a "for real" compliment every single day. If you go to the grocery store, and see someone with pratty hair, tell her so! Or a pretty shirt, or shoes, or whatever. You will see their face light up, as you have just made their day. And this does come "back" to you in the form of better self esteem. I STILL do this!

east

 

Marigold1 You say it came back for you early how soon?  Thank you for bringing me hope because that is how I feel. I feel so far away its odd and if I can think it's just on hurt and pain. It is strange a few weeks ago my emotions came back but they came back to stuff which happened 7 years ago before I was put on benzos and I could feel sadness even though I was still not thinking clearly but it was so nice to feel something other than numbness and anger. I literally listened to music and cried an entire day. It's hard to do normal things because I used to read, write and paint. I just can't think but I'm trying to start walking more that seems to help a bit. You have been at this awhile. Congrats to you for making it this far. Hugs. 

 

 

Thats how it seem to start, that we first need to get these flashbacks of the past. And then feel pain. I have survived a PTSD and it was quiet similar to heal from trauma like healing from benzos. First the brain sorts out the feelings of the past, then of the present. After that you stay in the present and your emotions do a little roller coaster as if you were a pregnant woman (I remember walking with my dog and crying because I saw a nice flower and after one minute I was angry because the sun was so shiny and then, back at home I was like manic..). I can only report how it has been for me, .. and I have read similar stories here on the board, too.Just take good care for yourself, do not cry the hole day if you feel that its too much just distract yourself with something else, you do not have to drown in emotions, you know. You will get the feeling for your brain, so to speak.

I do not remember when exactly all emotion was back, it was a process and not an early wake up call, so to speak, but within the first 12 months I think..

Thanks so much for the response guys. Sorry I'm just responding now. Some days I find it too hard to formulate my thoughts back but reading your responses helped so much.

eastcoast62 I know 8 months is early. I guess it actually helps to know that in some ways so I can make sense of what I'm feeling. Still I can't imagine this dragging on for years. It's amazing what you made it thru. Perhaps I will try complimenting people. Its crazy how lonely I am during this. I guess I'm not working and I'm dealing now with all these thoughts of how I don't really have family due to an abusive childhood. I want to hang out with everyone. I just dream of a loving family or neighbors to take me in and be my friend. I like going out to the store because just interacting with people and feeling warmth helps. I watch tv shows of loving families. I guess my whole life I had an active imagination which preoccupied me and during w/d all of my creativity went away so now I just want to be around people but I don't really have people but yeah maybe complimenting people might open up conversation so I feel a little less alone.

bluepm Thanks. I was kinda working on just this with my therapist and we had to stop because I feel like my life is just a series of failures. Its hard during w/d to feel connected to my old self at all or feel good about anything but I'm working on it.

Marigold1 Thank you! I'm sorry you had to deal with PTSD in your life as well as benzo w/d. I don't know if I have PTSD but I very well might. I had an abusive childhood which caught up with me in my adult life and I had a serious breakdown 7 years ago which is how I ended up on benzos. Benzos just masked over everything and made me high for 7 years and now I'm dealing with what happened to me in my life and in childhood. Everything that caused the breakdown and the breakdown all in therapy at least but all while in w/d as well. It's def. compounding everything. Its a lot to deal with all at once but I'm trying to keep going. Anyways I'm so glad you got some of yourself back in the first 12 months. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Thanks so much for the response guys. Sorry I'm just responding now. Some days I find it too hard to formulate my thoughts back but reading your responses helped so much.

 

eastcoast62 I know 8 months is early. I guess it actually helps to know that in some ways so I can make sense of what I'm feeling. Still I can't imagine this dragging on for years. It's amazing what you made it thru. Perhaps I will try complimenting people. Its crazy how lonely I am during this. I guess I'm not working and I'm dealing now with all these thoughts of how I don't really have family due to an abusive childhood. I want to hang out with everyone. I just dream of a loving family or neighbors to take me in and be my friend. I like going out to the store because just interacting with people and feeling warmth helps. I watch tv shows of loving families. I guess my whole life I had an active imagination which preoccupied me and during w/d all of my creativity went away so now I just want to be around people but I don't really have people but yeah maybe complimenting people might open up conversation so I feel a little less alone.

 

 

 

bluepm Thanks. I was kinda working on just this with my therapist and we had to stop because I feel like my life is just a series of failures. Its hard during w/d to feel connected to my old self at all or feel good about anything but I'm working on it.

 

Marigold1 Thank you! I'm sorry you had to deal with PTSD in your life as well as benzo w/d. I don't know if I have PTSD but I very well might. I had an abusive childhood which caught up with me in my adult life and I had a serious breakdown 7 years ago which is how I ended up on benzos. Benzos just masked over everything and made me high for 7 years and now I'm dealing with what happened to me in my life and in childhood. Everything that caused the breakdown and the breakdown all in therapy at least but all while in w/d as well. It's def. compounding everything. Its a lot to deal with all at once but I'm trying to keep going. Anyways I'm so glad you got some of yourself back in the first 12 months. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

PTSD has clear signs which you can google. If you think you might suffer from it, I highly recommend to do a behavioral therapy with the focus on PTSD, using rapid eye movement and other physical elements. This has saved my life. There are good books out there as well.

And of course, if benzos have been holding things away from you, and now benzos are gone, trauma can come up. But - there is a time to work on this and this is not in withdrawal. The first thing they would teach you in a therapy for a real trauma is: Learn to stabilize yourself. And that is what you can train today, right now, each day, when you feel you are drowning in old memories or feelings. There are several strategies, and I would like to share the easiest:

- create a "safe" and calm place in your home where you go in case you feel traumatized (bed, sofa, garage, car)

- create a "safe" place in your mind, imagine it, and do this again and again, if you feel really good and if you feel bad. Its like painting or creating a space or home in your head and each time you imagine it, you add more details. Maybe a house on an island, with a dragon as a friend, lots of ice cream and candy - or a place on the moon. Feel free to be wild. - after a while, you will notice your body will relax because it knows the place you imagine, and the thoughts and feelings of the past take a pause while you do this imagination exercise.

- Learn to imagine things which give shelter, protect you, hug you. Some need walls, or a superhero to save them, others imagine their pets.

Thats the base you will work with later when you are ready to talk about stuff that happened or feelings or whatever. A good and wise therapist will not talk about former events before you are not able to do this, and teach you much more strategies.

The reason for all this is: Trauma is put into other areas in the brain than normal memories. And if you sink into these events, you have no access to the logical parts of the brain which would normally stop you from thinking or seeing something. This is why one has to train how to step out of these areas and get back to those areas where you have control. And the key is, that when you are able to do this WHILE you are sinking into a former event, the traumatic event will be installed in the real "memory" part of the brain - and will not haunt you anymore. Its of course more complex physically - but just to show you how this works - and how you start. And you can see, now that you are in withdrawal, you only can do the first step and learn to stabilize yourself - and this can be a really good thing. Maybe withdrawal will train you so well, that the therapy for the PTSD can base on your efforts. 

And if you wonder about when the right time will come to face the PTSD - its, when you are able to get yourself out of intrusive thoughts, depression, a panic attack, anxiety - just by yourself. This does not mean your symptoms will be gone then. But it is the one moment, in which you give yourself the sign "no! I will now go out in the supermarket - no matter what" or just "I think I will take a bath now, this will help".

You will have a list of things which help you and a list of strategies. That is, when you are ready to work on a trauma.

... overall its not rocket science.

Sending you a hug! You have come real far. Under all this mess is self love and freedom. Really.