Author Topic: What we say here, and how we say it, matters  (Read 2233 times)

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #80 on: January 21, 2020, 09:11:30 pm »
https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/blog/

she also said this on the same blog... not just that one thing.
we are all different and need different help,
 not well meaning advice often. :'( 
different things appeal to different people especially on this journey.

Read the whole blog and links and take what applies. 
we all need different things to help us along this journey.

As she says below ask the two things she suggests,
and listen to what is needed.  This damage is far reaching
and has affected many of us  in so many  different ways.  :thumbsup:


along with 12 other helpful things to muse on...

so it  wasnt just that we need to change our thinking
as she even says  on here.  :thumbsup:

Don’t Say This To Someone In Benzo Withdrawal. Say This, Instead.

by Jennifer Leigh | Dec 8, 2019 | Recovery | 10 comments

If social media has shown us anything, it has shown us that everyone has an opinion,
 even if that opinion isn’t based on truth, on facts.

Post about your experience of benzo withdrawal (or tell someone about it)
and you’ll probably trigger a landslide of unasked for advice based on opinions,
 not truth or facts.

And very often, those opinions aren’t helpful; they are hurtful.

I’ll never forget the time a stranger told me to eat purple food because it had a better vibrational quality that would eradicate my symptoms.

I did my best to kindly explain what causes benzo withdrawal—the down-regulated GABA receptors causing a hyperexcited nervous system, and I doubted that a purple food would magically, Abbra Cadabra, repair said receptors. But she kept on. And on. And on.

Implying that I didn’t WANT to be healed and that I was the problem. I was the reason I wasn’t healed from the cold turkey my doctor had pushed upon me after eighteen years of prescribed use.

Then there were the well-meaning friends who told me to “think happy thoughts,” as if my symptoms were generated because of a shortcoming in my thinking patterns. The list goes on and on.

Person after person offered advice that was not only not helpful but was often hurtful. I know that they meant well.

They wanted me to stop suffering, but their advice was rarely supportive. It usually pushed my already jacked-up nervous system into an even higher state of “protect”—fight, flight or freeze.

If you know someone who is in benzo withdrawal,
here are the things not to say to them, and two things to always say.

Go see a doctor. (We did. They caused this. They are often uneducated and will prescribe other drugs that are harmful to benzo withdrawal.)

Go to detox or rehab. (Inpatient centers quickly taper or cold turkey people from benzos, often resulting in a severe withdrawal syndrome, and often more drugs are added.)

Stop thinking about benzo withdrawal. (We wish we could, but its hell 24/and 7. It takes front and center stage, even though we don’t want it to.)

Take a drink, calm down! (Alcohol works on the same receptors as benzos and therefore we must avoid alcohol.)

Exercise more. (Sadly, many people in benzo withdrawal become exercise intolerant. Too much exercise can cause an increase in withdrawal symptoms.)

Think happy thoughts. (Yeah, we wish we could. Unfortunately, the damage to the GABA receptors causes problems with our thoughts, making them negative and scary.)


Go to work and forget about your troubles. (Work, or other obligations and responsibilities can overtax our fragile nervous system and make us worse,)

See a therapist. (Most therapies don’t help us in benzo withdrawal, and some, like traditional talk therapy, can cause an increase in withdrawal symptoms.)

See a psychiatrist. (Most psychiatrists are uneducated about the dangers of benzos and the withdrawal process and syndrome, even though they prescribe them!)

It’s all in your head! (It’s in our brain and nervous system—real damage that manifests in real symptoms.)

(I’m sure you, dear benzo withdrawal survivor, have suffered through other responses from ignorant people who may mean well, but are hurtful.)

What are the two things one should always say to a person in benzo withdrawal?
They are two simple questions” “What do you need?” “How can I help?”

Please don’t give unasked for advice to someone suffering in benzo withdrawal.

Your advice is rarely needed and usually not heeded.

 Instead, give your time and attention, your compassionate listening ear, and ask what you can do to help.

 That is the most loving and healing response to anyone in benzo withdrawal.

 It is the most loving response to anyone, at any time, in any situation.
Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated more than you know.
 It will help the healing process, and for that, all of us who have been touched by benzo withdrawal thank you, wholeheartedly.
« Last Edit: January 21, 2020, 09:41:21 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #81 on: January 21, 2020, 09:25:33 pm »
Thank, skyblue

this is great stuff. 

Yeah- is chanting 'think positive' prescriptive posting?  It sure feels like it sometimes...
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #82 on: January 21, 2020, 09:40:04 pm »
Thank, skyblue

this is great stuff. 

Yeah- is chanting 'think positive' prescriptive posting?  It sure feels like it sometimes...

I know  :thumbsup:  maybe  they mean well,  Im no  so sure
no matter what.......  it can be very triggering for many
and I dont think they are assessing that  as a possability  even.

I actually have had to block many posters postings like that,
 on my profile shaking my head at this advice re this simple solution.

( one can choose to read an option  there
on their post,  if one is well enough to handle  reading them
however it is then a choice.
 Mostly I just skip them depending on the thread. ) 
 
 and just read those that may be helpful for myself.

We all have to find our own way out of this
 and choose if that help applies to us wisely.
 :smitten:
« Last Edit: January 22, 2020, 12:51:40 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #83 on: January 21, 2020, 11:59:55 pm »
Gotta live it to know it.. :(

From my perspective of fatigue dominant, -not so much anxiety based SX, I often shake my head at the constant assumptions applied to others.. I guess well meaning is perspective based...??

As just mentioned above, Its much better the responsibility lays with what we choose to read or take in for ourselves, than put restrictions on what others might express as their reality or perception of such...
And pls dont start off a “supportive” post with -“I had the worst WD ever known to mankind, but I survived”...  -its assumptuous at the least...

My best hope for today is a bucket full of “abracadabra” as I somehow make it to my Drs appointment, as all the “positive” in the world aint going to change how I woke and feel..
-All best wishes welcome.. Just dont tell me im thinking about it all wrong, or whateva the “flavour” might be this week..

Today my hope lays in “tomorrow”...

My best to All...
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #84 on: January 22, 2020, 08:26:17 am »
Hello Everyone,

I haven't been adding to the forum lately; I've been engaged elsewhere in an effort to overthrow the entire Western Psychiatric Establishment. Results so far have been mixed.

For some reason I felt the call; I think [...] must have sent out some kind of subtle signal that I picked up on.

I have a few things I'd like to say that everyone already knows, but that somehow we at times forget. I assume it's part of being human.

The first is no one (for the most part) knows anything about anyone on here except for what they say. You may assume they are lying if that is helpful to you. Sometimes people use words in certain ways because there is simply no means to communicate with language what they are experiencing. You may find what they are saying to be an unhelpful exaggeration; that's fine. But I know people, personally, who have lived through things that most people on earth would consider to be lies. I do not mean the spreading of false medical information; I mean the attempts to articulate the inexpressible depths of an individual's experience. What many are experiencing is a pain that falls outside of the capacity for rational thought. Words simply fail us. This may not be true for everyone. We all have different experiences.

The second is that no one in the history of the world has ever been convinced of anything when they are being insulted, attacked, or yelled at. I saw someone doing that on another thread and I wondered what they hoped to accomplish. It's not the way the human mind works. If your intention is to convince, they you should choose a different tactic. If you intention is to get something off your chest, then maybe you'll have some success. Truly awful behavior is honestly quite rare on the forum. If you'd like to see it aimed at harmed people, go elsewhere online; you'll find it; you'll also find it being fought against with great passion. There is inspiration everywhere. I am grateful that this place is the haven that it is. I personally feel the need to confront and address those that uphold the disciplinary order that has led to our mutual pain, thus my absence. They are public figures and contactable. I have found that this is not the place for such things.

I think that people should be thoughtful about what they write, but I think they should speak the truth as they see it and in a manner in which they are comfortable. I generally prefer not to share the worst aspects of my condition. Both because I am private, but because I worry how it might affect other people if I truly unleashed myself. I now know too many people who have not made it to be incautious about my remarks. And yet I have benefitted from hearing very challenging, even devastating, stories from others. Some are simply better at it than I would be.

It is hard to live on bread alone, at times you hunger for other food. Sometimes I need solace, sometimes I need to know others share my deepest pain. You can often find what you are looking for here, and you can generally avoid the rest. There is no force. No compulsion. If you do not like what you are reading, look away. But we should all be mindful that some people become captivated by the worst, and they cannot look away, even if it might be better if they did. This is simply how it is. Uncertainly and danger are everywhere. Every drug is both medicine and poison. All healing requires pain.

I find myself bewildered by people's need to demand others who are suffering to act in certain ways when all they are saying is how they feel. If they are being malicious, then they should be confronted. For the most part, we all get to say what we would like to say. But you are not going to convince anyone to be someone they are not. If that is your goal, you will almost certainly fail, but you are free to try.

I have actually had to learn this myself. Living is a process.

What we can do is we can help people become the best versions of themselves, and if that is your goal, then I think that is commendable, even if I do not agree with, or always understand, how you are going about it. Those kind of disagreements can lead to dialogue and to clarity.

Here is the thing, there is an impossible ambivalence built directly into the heart of BB. It is inescapable. We are here to survive and to help one another survive. Which means we are both acting for ourselves and for others. To make it, you often must say what you believe and what you are experiencing, so that you can find the community, the knowledge, and the support that will bring you to the other side. At the same time, your words affect other people, and your beliefs and your experiences may distress them. There is simply no way to avoid this collectively. If we tried to, we would become paralyzed and mute as a community. In the end, this problem is irreconcilable. You cannot have a place with this much suffering, and have people share their suffering, and not have that affect others. To wish it to be any other way is understandable, but unattainable. Still, we can be thoughtful.

Many people find this discussion over whether other members should share the depths of their misery, or should be more circumspect, to be interesting and helpful. However, if anyone's actual intention is simply to silence others, rather than to offer a helpful corrective, then I hope you are unsuccessful, both because I have had enough of being policed, but also because you will eventually cause the very hurt you are attempting to prevent. There are also times when people go much too far, when they become dogmatic and cruel. It can have real consequences. This conversation began over a similar concern. I imagine such true intent is rare, and perhaps not even in evidence on this thread. I will leave it up to each individual to decide for themselves.

I would also remind people who find certain behavior distasteful that it also often comes out of a place of pain. It does not mean that you should submit to it, only that it also has a source. It is one thing to be compassionate to those who we love or empathize with; it is harder to feel compassion for those who we do not. But this trauma is deep, and it will manifest in many ways. I admire people's courage and their desire to protect those who may not be able to protect themselves. I also admire those who courageously share their experiences, both for their own sake, and for the benefit of others. To be a person, you must at least attempt to accept the multiplicity of existence. 

These are just my thoughts. They are also not directed at any specific person. Though if you feel that they are, then you might consider why you might feel that way.

I am off to engage in dubious battle. I'm sure I'll pop back up eventually with another long message that could easily be summarized. Such as: Everyone is different, everyone has different needs. Take what you need, leave the rest. If you are genuinely trying to help, wonderful. If you are trying to hurt, think about why and if you wish to continue doing so. I personally understand both instincts. We are in deep pain, and in the end, I love all of you, because we are a fellowship.

my best,

[...]
« Last Edit: January 22, 2020, 09:35:54 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #85 on: January 22, 2020, 08:45:52 am »
That’s really perfect [...], thanks.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #86 on: January 22, 2020, 09:17:18 am »
Your reply too, [...]. Thank you.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #87 on: January 22, 2020, 12:40:35 pm »
"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist".~Friedrich Nietzsche  💖 Peace and Healing. :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #88 on: February 06, 2020, 11:27:49 pm »
For those of us in Benzo world, hope is oxygen. Hope is what makes us sign up to fight another five minutes, another hour, another day. We don’t know when our individual wars will end, but we have to believe that they will. There is a fine line between the right to speak ones truth and the rights of others to make it safely to the other side. This forum is a serious place. Lives are in all our hands. We are not social media. Arguments about whether or not everyone heals are not the same as the political ranting back and forth on Twitter. There are consequences. If you have had the experience of responding to a member in crisis, I think you will agree that this type of conversation can be very dangerous. We all have fears, and do need to express them and ask for support. But, we cannot speak about our fears as if they were facts. I have been a member since summer 2018. Over the past few months, I have noticed more and more posts that begin with a Doomesday thesis statement, followed by cherry picked and questionable supporting evidence. If someone is claiming expertise on magnesium, well, we will survive. What I am talking about is the kind of statement that kills hope. Not everybody heals, permanent damage, Ashton said so (read that more carefully). Someone is reading what we write. We don’t know who they are, or what they are facing. Please, when you post about those fears that plague us all, choose your words with them in mind. It is so much safer, and honest, to say that you are afraid that not everyone heals, rather than that you have concluded. We all are good people and no one wants to do harm. I am proud to be a member of this community. And, I am so very grateful to all of you. Espy

That was a great post Espy, wonderfully stated.  Cousin [...] 💜💜💜

Both of these posts are things I am going to read many times over. It is so true that what we post can give a person who is hurting a glimmer, a ray of light, a reason to put one foot in front of the other and take one more step!  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: What we say here, and how we say it, matters
« Reply #89 on: February 07, 2020, 12:49:37 am »
Wow. This is a "thinker's thread." And what a wonderful one. I thank all of you for your well thought out words and theories.
We are all so different, but we do share many things. I have always found describing withdrawal very hard to do. How do you describe utter misery, 24/7? Mental and physical symptoms all going on at the same time, in varying degrees of severity? Its almost impossible to do that well.

Hope IS oxygen. What a wonderful way to say that. BB has always been my lifeboat. I hoped and prayed that what I read here was true. I took it on faith for a very long time. I just kept going no matter HOW awful I felt. Doing that was not at all easy. I look back now in amazement, that I felt SO awful, for SO long. That alone is astounding. BB served as my lifeline, I grabbed ahold of it and hung on for dear life. I had to do something to keep me afloat, and BB proved to be the best thing I could do. But when I joined in here, I did not know that. I was awash in misery and insanity. A thirty damn year of nightly benzos is pretty hard to deal with....but I did. Only with the help I got here.
Back then I clung to any sort of hope I could find. And I found none everywhere else, only on BB. That alone is kind of sad, don't you think?
But thank heavens we all have BB, a sort of safe haven, as long as you keep your wits about you, and click off anything that frightens you. I  found that finding a few people I could relate to was important. Plus reaching out to help others even though I was NOT yet healed felt...well, wonderful. I felt USEFUL. Maybe because I am a nurse? I don't know, I just know that helping others on BB was one of my best therapies, and still is.
Love you all.
[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.