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Feeling alone/abandoned


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I have been in a bad wave lately. The thing that hits me the hardest is feeling alone. I live alone.. I tried to live with my mum for the first 2 or so years of tapering kolonopin and then my dad the next 1 or 2 years  all of which I was in a lost black hole of confusion, severely damaged from the kolonopin or taper im not even sure. I am somewhat better in the sense that my brain is not completely non sensical and extremely simple.. Bit still suffering severely and in some ways worse blah bah blah.... Im still tapering off magnesium and a year and a half of k so I suspect I will have to be completely off magnesium until true healing comes..

 

Anyway despite all of this shit I just feel really saddened by the lack of support and true heart felt love I felt, even from my closest family members.. They were there to. a point and still are but also made/make a joke out of me... Belittle my worries and sometimes get frustrated ay helping me.. Ive at times and quite regularly been an absolute nightmare to deal with.. Despite this I still feel saddened that my family didn't believe me at times why I was/am unwell.. And I had to stand up for myself so many times over and over again..

 

I am the youngest child.. I never felt equiped for this.. This shit hit me like a brick wall im talking the worst reaction I could imagine.. Even at some of my worst states my family remained un empathetic.. I had to push them to believe me... I was a broken person.. I couldn't hardly string a sentence together yet I had to push and push my family to believe me...

 

Now this wasn't always.. they were on my side a lot but it has been very back and forth.. I guess thats human nature but I feel they should have done the research themselves.. I felt and feel so broken and alone from this all

 

 

blah blah blah

I guess others are in the same boat?

 

Its sad what has happened to me

 

I spoke to my ex boyfriend a few months back- doesn't deserve the time of day person really.. But anyway I still feel a lot of love towards him and I just felt and have felt since an overwhelming sadness and depression for what has happened to me.. Memories of who I was have started to come back and I have felt so completely depressed by remembering all of our good and happy times together and its extremely hard to deal with the fact that after our relationship stopped stupid me took kolonpin to deal with the grief- as well as loosing my brother got addicted and then this crap happened.. My life went to a halt.. But his went on and he has been in different relationships and lived in different places. Changed and grown up....

 

I feel like an idiot that im still processing the grief of loosing him when he's with another female and actually was abusive to me

 

Im only oversharing because hey im anonymous but yeah idk im going to a therapist to process this all but just felt like venting somewhere to someone as I sit alone at home on my 29th birthday, single female feeling like an absolute idiot half hallucinating a lot of the day unable able to do simple tasks and finding very little joy in life..

 

It doesn't help that he managed to throw in my face... Wait for it.. 'I thought you would have gotten married by now, had some kids, grown up and matured" ouch nice one... All because I didn't want a visit from him... Um I don't have visitors in this state.. Im a mes..s ugh feeling defeated

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  • 3 weeks later...

I’m so sorry! I’m glad you vented it out here. That’s what this forum is for. I feel hesitant too to unload lots of woe is me stuff on here but I just did too - this forum is for that. I’m sorry you feel alone. I’m sure you are not alone. I feel lonely a lot even though I do live with my husband and kids. But w/d is such a lonely process. Support thru this is so hard on families. Not as hard as it is on us I know.

I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. Maybe set up regular appts so you have that to look forward to.

I wish I could make your and my and everyone’s suffering end. I wish it so hard.

I also feel defeated and depressed. So horrible.

 

But happy birthday RiseUp25!!  You are young and you will heal and you have your whole life awaiting you.

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I'm sorry you are struggling, RiseUp. Are you fully off benzos now, and if so, how long have you been off?

 

I often take for granted that I do have support from my family and friends and I still live with my wife. Most of the people closest to me are tired of hearing about it as well so I just don't talk about the depression and my struggles much anymore. It is very isolating and lonely. Keep on posting about your troubles. It makes it much less isolating, IMO.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Sorry for the late reply. Ive been off k for 1 year 9 months and im at .300 of magnesium. Im trying so hard and my brain just isn’t working properly lately. Ive had phycosis and alot of sensitivity and general lack of energy. My body is just really low. I need to stop eating bad food.. I hope i dont have brain cancer or something i feel so different to the person i used to be it really scares me to the point i have been suicidal. Eugh good times. Thanks so much for the replies i have been so so lonely lately i hope like heck I return to the person i used to be one day. How have you been libr?
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Hi RiseUp. I hope you’re feeling better!  It is good to vent on here. You are almost off mag- how much longer you think?  I am doing ok. Just over 3 mo off. Taking it a day at a time. But healing is happening. It just takes so. Much. Time.
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