Author Topic: Four years free  (Read 929 times)

[Buddie]

Four years free
« on: October 07, 2019, 07:26:13 pm »
Hi there.. I am [...].. Grandma [...].   Nice to meet ya'll.

I have kicked Xanax and Oxy on different occasions.   I can tell you that kicking opioids is what I call visiting the ninth circle of hell.   Kicking benzos was visiting that ninth circle and having to live there much longer than anyone would want.   Benzos was harder merely because the period back to full health took much much longer.

The Oxy condition happened because I have RA with chronic pain.   The Xanax happened when my son was sent to Afghanistan for a year.  Even though he'd been to war before, this one had me feeling major anxiety.   I took Xanax for the entire year he was there.   When he returned, I stopped taking the Xanax.   I was totally unaware of how dangerous the move to cold turkey could be.  I am very lucky to have survived that and not ended up in the hospital or worse. 

So.. anyway.. this old bird has a bit of experience with getting clean of meds.   I wish I'd had a forum like this to teach me how to taper off or even that there were other people going thru it.. but I didn't.   I chose to taper myself from Xanax with the use of a pill cutter.   It took me a couple of months and I now know that a slower taper schedule would have greatly aided me in dealing with withdrawals.

All thru the withdrawals I kept wondering if I would ever be 'normal' again.   Would I ever have a day when I didn't wake up depressed and thinking terrible thoughts?   Would I ever be able to sleep a full night again?   When I finally did some research on withdrawal symptoms, I found a page full of them listed and I had every single one.  Oh great.

What no person can tell you is how long it will take.   I believe it is different for each person.   It takes as long as it takes, lovies.   But the day WILL come when your brain remembers how to be you.   And on that day, you will fully remember how sweet and wonderful life is... and be soo glad you embarked on this journey for full health.

In the meantime, if you should find yourself having an anxiety attack or unhelpful thoughts running amuck.. what I found to help myself is the knowledge that this was the med withdrawal.   I'd send the negative away with the firm statement to myself that:  'this is only withdrawal.  it isn't me.  it isn't me.'  I also used a ton of grapes and bananas for the potassium to ease the muscle cramping.   If I could get the cramps to stop, I found I could get some sleep.   With sleep comes renewed energy for the fight.   You will discover things to help you along the way.

That whole first year of withdrawal was touch and go for me because I was on my own.   If you are reading this then you are a step up because you have access to worlds of experience and knowledge.   Use it.   The second year was so much better and now, four years later.. I don't even fully remember what that all felt like, nor do I want to... unless it helps someone else.

You are strength, darlin's.   Stand firm and know that.   

Grandma [...]

« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 03:57:57 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Four years free
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2019, 08:09:14 pm »
Hi, Grandma. I am a granny, too. I was prepared to offer support when I opened this link. But, instead, I received it. For that, I thank you so very much. I am starting the fourth month off k, after a miserable year+ of tapering. Your words give me comfort today, as I am still in the waiting stage. You have done it without all the wonderful support that I was so fortunate to have with this forum. I am in awe. Espy
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Four years free
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2019, 08:19:30 pm »
Hello fellow grannie!

I'm so proud of you.   I really am.  Finishing the taper is a major accomplishment.   For me, I was sooo impatient.   I was like 'Okay.. I'm done with the pill now.. stoppit with the withdrawals!'.   I couldn't decide if going back on a tiny bit would help or if I'd have to start all over again.   As I said, I was totally uneducated on benzos.

In the end, I grit my teeth and stuck it out.  You sound like you are, too.   Each week, the withdrawals WILL get less and less.   It isn't as fast as we would want... but it happens.   And then the day will come when you can laugh again at the antics of grandbabies.

Much love,

Grandma [...]

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Four years free
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2019, 08:45:44 pm »
Thank you for sharing. So much. Especially what you said about your brain remembering how to be you. This is one of the worst things for me which is not feeling like myself and feeling crazy and weird and strange and then all the physical stuff too. I'm 7 months off today and it feel like this will never end. Best of wishes to you for a healthy and happy future.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Four years free
« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2019, 08:52:33 pm »
I know, [...].. I know.   It does feel like it will never end when you are in the midst of it.   That is also med withdrawal.   That feeling of not being comfortable in your body.   That feeling that you might never be your true self again.   Those are all benzo withdrawals whispering lies to your brain.   

Tell yourself over and over until it subsides:   This is withdrawal.  This is not me.   Every day in every way I am getting better and better.

It sounds silly or simplistic but if you develop such a mantra for intense times, it will help get you thru such times.

And darlin'.   It WILL end and one day you will be you again.   I promise.

Much love,
Grandma [...]
'
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Four years free
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2019, 09:50:35 pm »
Thanks for writing a success story. Can you describe the depression and terrible thoughts you experienced? Thank you.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Four years free
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2019, 10:58:19 pm »
Boombox, I am new to this forum but I think I read that I'm not supposed to post about suicidal things.

Let me just say that my depression and 'negative thoughts' were entirely new to me and thoroughly the result  of what I was going thru with withdrawals.   I remember asking my husband if I'd ever been happy.   Had I ever been healthy.   Did I have a reason to be glad I woke up that morning.   His response was always a very loving 'Of course you've been healthy... of course you're a happy person...etc.

At the time, it felt like I had always been in such a state and I really couldn't remember feeling happy or being comfortable in my own body.    Those were all benzo lies to my brain.   That's why talking to someone who understands or loves you is so important.   The people on this forum know what you go thru.   They understand when you feel as if you are in an ocean of pain and you feel like there has never been a shore.. that one day you WILL see the shore and one day you WILL be free of this poison. 

Please remember this.   It's not me.  It's not me.  It's the withdrawals and it's not the true me.   It will get better, lovie.  I promise.

Much love,
Grandma [...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Four years free
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2019, 02:35:15 am »
Thank you for sharing  :) "lovie" I love that  :laugh:

God bless you, continue to spread hope.

na-  :angel:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Four years free
« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2019, 05:39:13 am »
Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your success story. You’re such a lovely person and I appreciate the encouragement!  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Four years free
« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2019, 06:30:06 am »
Grandmama!!! I wish I could hug you right now....

Thank you so much for bringing hope, and with such warmth. We sure all need it.

I'm in that very place where I can never feel comfortable in my own body -- just searing terror and despair most of the time. I will reread your words many times.

Wishing you all the happiness and love in the world, Grandma [...].

[...]
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 03:55:38 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.