Still Just Feel Crazy After 18 Months

I'm still feeling crazy after 18 months off this medication. My head feels like I could lose it at any minute. It feels like my head is swollen or my brain is swollen or something. I thought it would help me by not spending time on this forum all day yesterday, but it hasn't made any difference entering today. It feels like I'm just plain going crazy and am still in acute withdrawal.

I'm worried that this has changed my brain permanently. I can't think or focus. Can't enjoy anything. I am mad every second. Constant feeling of pressure in my brain.

Hello boomboxboy,

 

I used to worry about permanent damage too, plus my mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia in her later years so I was pretty sure that would be my fate while I was in withdrawal.  But amazingly enough, time did heal and now I'm doing great, I'm hopeful this will happen for you as well.  It's so frustrating when there is no timeline we can cling to for when we'll get well, it's different for everyone. 

 

Keep trying to find ways to get through each minute, my best times were when I distracted myself from thinking about my suffering.  I focused everything I had on chores that required me to keep moving. I can tell you my house and yard looked a lot better in those days, now I'm so relaxed I sometimes put off some things I need to do. 

 

Pamster

Hi Boombox,

I hear ya. Benzo withdrawal DID change me, but so far its been in a good way. Unfortunately, 18 months out is not "long time" in the world of benzos. It took me 3 plus years to heal, although I was functional at 1 year out, I still had many nasty symptoms.

Are you seeing some sort of counsellor about your anger? I know most of them wont know a bit about benzo wd, but sometimes its just good to be able to talk about this sort of thing with a trained listener. I know how you have suffered from this, and I really do feel for you. Benzo wd IS awful for some. Please don't give up.

east

Yep. Four different counselors over the past two years. I'm considering starting other meds here in the next month or so. The symptoms are too focused on my daughter and I think I'm suffering postpartum depression at this point. I think the worst of the benzo symptoms are coming to an end and this is just how I am now.

The moment I open my eyes in the morning, I feel anger. Then my head is all confused and disoriented and I can't think straight the rest of the day. I just go between not being able to think clearly and anger all day. I have no idea what I can do to help the symptoms, as nothing seems to help at all. It seems the anger surges are triggered by anxiety.

Boom, one thing about benzo wd is that it DOES end, but for some, it takes a long time. Mental symptoms were my worst symptoms. I truly thought I was insane way back then. You, too, have bad mental symptoms, just different from mine. In the end, its all the same thing - just a symptom of benzo wd. In time your anger will slowly die down, and one day will come where you suddenly realize you are NOT carrying that anger anymore. It will just fade away as all bwd stuff does.

Just be careful taking new drugs. I wont tell you not to as it is YOUR brain and YOUR body. Just BE careful and weigh the known risks of any new medication.

I have  been rooting for you for a while now. I want you to succeed, as you sure deserve it.

east (Annie)

I remember talking with eastcoast and pamster years back in my benzo hell, I doubt they remember me but they helped reassure me that healing happens. I couldn't fathom healing or normalcy with benzo brain, it's nearly impossible to imagine what feeling normal feels like in that state, fast forward a few months +/- 24 months I was healed.  You will certainly heal, I had benzo and alcohol withdrawal, kindled badly, but recovery is still possible. Hang in there. You'll heal. Take it minute by minute.

 

David.

Thank you, Dave. Can I sent you a PM?

 

I had a window last night from about 7-10. It was during the CNN special and then I actually felt normal watching television afterward. Not scared or anything.

Glad u had a window Boom and I hope it opens up for good.

 

PG