Trigger - Want to ***

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Dear Feebi86

 

I am sorry you are suffering so much, my heart goes out to you.  It will get better, I know it doesn’t feel that way right now.  I also suffered severe depression tapering off benzos. The depression will lift,  you will get your life back.  I have been where you are now,  there is a light at the end of this tunnel, so hang in with everything you’ve got! 

 

You will see a difference further on so please just hang in there until that day comes,  it will turn around, it will get easier

 

Magrita

 

So sorry you are suffering so much with this level of depression, I went through it while I was still on the valium, its brutal. It isn't as intense now but I still suffer with the anhedonia and disassociation.  Things that I have found to help me to distract are meditation, yoga (these have helped me to cope with and accept my situation in a big way), you tube videos (positive content), playing games on my phone, gentle walks, anything really to take my mind from focussing on the symptoms.  I know when you feel that level of depression it is hard to find the motivation to do anything, it all seems so utterly pointless but if you can force yourself to do just something it can help.

 

Other things are practicing acceptance, writing a gratitude list,when someone first suggested this I thought 'they have no idea' but it does work, it shifts our perspective to a positive one, there is always something to be grateful for. Positive self talk, telling yourself you can't do this anymore and you have nothing left is damaging, I get it, this is how you feel and you should honour that but try to gently remind yourself that you are strong and you have been doing this for a while now, you can cope because you have coped this far.  Keep holding on and keep sharing how you are feeling.  There is hope.

 

Of course it is typical to fall in this kind of depression, even for months!! Its a chemical depression. I had it badly. So badly I had to take away knifes, hair drier etc. to not do harm to myself. For many members it starts when they get nearer to the zero of the benzo I assume. It was like that for me. After that the body needed time to balance out chemically. I have never felt this kind of depression again ever since. You really are like a car without fuel waiting for reaching a gas station.

 

You do not know it now, but you are doing a great and important job right now. Yes. Exactly. Going through, day after day, that is what you need to do now to support your body in withdrawal. You will write here, distract, cry, freak out. No matter what, you will go through it. After that, you can look back like I do and see how brave you are. At the moment you feel like you are weak and unable to move on but let me say that you are not weak- you are strong, you have survived so many days and  nights - hang on!

 

Marigold

Feebie I feel for you.. You painted the picture so well...

 

So much really is messed up chemistry, and it does get better, -I found knowing that helps, -or more remembering that...

With this last taper Im back in it too (my version), and it really is distraction thats getting me through atm.. From past experiences that will transition into more proactive abilities and progress begins again, but yes it all can take a bit of time so I hope some of the above suggestions help you see it through day by day...

Surviving just one day of this makes you a hero...!!

Trust it will get better... -and im glad you shared/posted...

 

Oo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can relate to very much to your text.

How long have you been off benzos?

Hang in there. Everyone goes through hard times on these horrific drugs. Coming off benzos is one of the hardest things a human being can do. You'll get through it. Remember that they're far far worse things than can happen in life than to have a bit of chemical depression. I know that it's really horrible (I'm experiencing it now) and I can only say that it will get better.

 

Try to be thankful that you're alive. Stay positive.

I was here. I had a great day with my wife and son yesterday. I am so glad I held on. It is so hard. I will never forget how this felt.

Praying for you, Feebie. So sorry you're feeling so bad.  Hugs!

Feebie, do you have someone to talk to or just to give you a hug? Or a pet you can snuggle with?

For me this kind of depression is the worst one can go through in life. It is horrible. But I went thourhg it several times and finally, since I am med free never had it. Do not be scared to reach out for help and support, call help lines, ask people, go to church, write here, whatever helps you or delivers hope for just one second, do it. Its a sign that you are strong, not weak.

Sending you a big big hug!

Marigold

Oh dear, Feebi,

I went through the same exact thing, seven years ago when I went CT off benzos and ADs. What a horrible trip that was.

You are NOT alone in how awful you feel! You have a lot of company, suffering as you are right now. Please don't give up.

I wish I could hug you, but I cannot, except a stupid cyber hug. ((((((((((((FEEBI))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

I want you to hear me now. I felt EXACTLY the same way back in July 2012 when I was forced to go cold turkey off benzos and SSRIs.  The first month was truly weird, as I hallucinated with all five senses. Smelled, saw, felt, etc., things that were not real. Plus I began to feel incredibly scared of almost everything. I was extremely depressed. My anxieties were through the roof.

 

You are wrong in one thing. MANY of us feel intense depression when we get off these drugs. In fact its a VERY common symptom.  as I didn't think I could handle how bad and crazy I felt. The ONLY reason I did not do that was my love for my five cats. I simply could NOT leave them that way, as they would have either died or been taken to some shelter, scared and alone. I stayed alive for my cats, and I am so glad I did. It took me over 3 years to heal, but I DID heal, and so will you.

No matter HOW bad and crazy you feel now, you WILL start to heal, as long as you stay off benzos and avoid "brain drugs" like most ADs. The fewer pills one takes, the better, but that is just MY opinion.

No matter how awful you feel right now, in the future you might feel wonderful like I do now. When I began this journey in 2012, I weighed 85 lbs, a walking skeleton. Benzos had done that to me. I was weak, frail, and had to use a walker to move around at all. My acute withdrawal was...really bad. But in time it ll began to feel somewhat better, and I just hung on no matter what

I am so glad I did. I am now 69, and healthier and happier than I have been in MANY years. ALL of this due to being OFF benzos and SSRIs.

Please, don't give up.

east (Annie)

 

edit: disallowed content removed

 

 

Feebie, do you have someone to talk to or just to give you a hug? Or a pet you can snuggle with?

For me this kind of depression is the worst one can go through in life. It is horrible. But I went thourhg it several times and finally, since I am med free never had it. Do not be scared to reach out for help and support, call help lines, ask people, go to church, write here, whatever helps you or delivers hope for just one second, do it. Its a sign that you are strong, not weak.

Sending you a big big hug!

Marigold

 

i live with my mother. i left my home because i could no longer clean it and take care of the pets, i left it all with my partner. I have no love for my family anymore, all feelings and emotions are gone

 

This is quiet common in a depression. Nothing but pain is left. But this does not mean that this will last forever. It is the nature of depression to behave as if there is no tomorrow, no joy, no positive emotion left, nothing. Its just what depression does. When it fades, emotions slowly come back.

I keep thinking about memories prior to benzos and im in so much pain thinking about the life i once had. IT HURTS SOOO MUCH!!!

 

Yeah, the demons of the past love to hunt us in depression. Try to distract and not to sink into these thoughts. It does not matter what you do, but its okey to distract or just try to

Feebi86, I'm having a very hard time thinking of anything from my past without feeling horrible. Today I left my house for work remembering how I used to give my dogs a treat every morning. Now I have no desire to do this. When thinking about this, I almost started crying. I can't think of any memory of how much more comfortable I was from 2011 to 2017 without getting horribly sad. I  can't think about the fact that I used to drink coffee and go out with my friends on the weekends and have a beer. It all just brings pain.

I’m here right now. I feel like the rest of the world keeps on turning, keeps on living, and I am here stuck inside this bedroom totally defeated and discouraged. My depression feels like a giant blanket on top of me, it covers me completely. Last night I had a few moments of hope. Now it’s gone.

I’m here right now. I feel like the rest of the world keeps on turning, keeps on living, and I am here stuck inside this bedroom totally defeated and discouraged. My depression feels like a giant blanket on top of me, it covers me completely. Last night I had a few moments of hope. Now it’s gone.

 

Its a rollercoaster first, but the fact you can already have better moments is a good sign. Hold on! With time it really gets easier.

Thank you Marigold and ty to all of you who have commented on feebi’s post and shared how things can and did get better. When this depression grabs hold it makes a person think that no future, no good thing, will ever be possible, and of course the tears come when thinking about the past. And how far from that we are now.  Not to mention that I feel and look like  the 100 year-old version of my former self. So it’s not fun to look in the mirror.

Hope it won’t always be like this.

I’m with you too Feebi. I feel no joy anymore. I’m even telling myself tomorrow my aim is to enjoy doing at least one thing. It hasn’t happened yet. I’m eating well - low carb high protein, so my digestion is more settled at least. I feel so robotic at this stage and miss very much being a free spirit.

 

Take care xx

Thank you Marigold and ty to all of you who have commented on feebi’s post and shared how things can and did get better. When this depression grabs hold it makes a person think that no future, no good thing, will ever be possible, and of course the tears come when thinking about the past. And how far from that we are now.  Not to mention that I feel and look like  the 100 year-old version of my former self. So it’s not fun to look in the mirror.

Hope it won’t always be like this.

 

When I get a depression, mostly because of my life circumstances now, because wd is mostly done... I tell myself: "Marigold, this is the nature of depression. Thats exactly what depression makes you believe: No future, no hope, no perspective." And then I bet all I have on the factor X, cause I have experienced it so very often that the next day all and anything can change in a minute.

Hugs to all of you still in this chemical depression!!

I’m with you too Feebi. I feel no joy anymore. I’m even telling myself tomorrow my aim is to enjoy doing at least one thing. It hasn’t happened yet. I’m eating well - low carb high protein, so my digestion is more settled at least. I feel so robotic at this stage and miss very much being a free spirit.

 

Take care xx

 

are u still on the 1mg valium?

 

Yes, still on 1mg Valium. I don’t even know what the next move is from that dose for me. Nothing I’ve tried works (liquid, micro, half, none). It still feels chemical depression to me. That absolute dread and fear in the face of no triggers or stimuli to explain it.

 

But know that your not alone in the way you’re feeling - there are more of us 

Benzopression has taken over my life completely. I cannot feel even a micro amount of pleasure or joy. I spend all day everyday in complete agony. I have done for 8 months and I still have a long way to go in my taper. I can’t imagine this for years, I’m barely making it through the days because this dark dark depression won’t lift even for a second. I’ve tried every medication possible and have had TMS therapy. I’m treatment resistant.

 

It’s not typical to come off Benzos and be suffering with as much depression as I am so I can’t even find any more than 1 or 2 people to relate to. I don’t work because I can barely take care of myself I just lay in bed all day wasting away. This is no way to live,this is torture. I feel like a prisioner stuck inside this body with a brain so damaged. I don’t have anything to distract myself with. It’s a good day if I have showered. I don’t take care of my apperance and I have absolutely no interest in anything. I used to love my dogs so much now I just look at them and it means nothing. I have no connection with family or friends & I feel so resentful towards anyone who isn’t going through this. I would trade it for any other symptom. I cry all the time and I’m so lonely & forced to be disconnected from the rest of the world. I didn’t think this much suffering was possible due to tapering off a medication. Every cut I make I get worse & I still have 15mg of Diazepam to go.

 

While it's true that depression is a common withdrawal symptom, many people are unable to take Valium (diazepam) because it makes them feel depressed. I had this problem when I tried to cross over from Klonopin (clonazepam) to Valium. It caused such severe depression that I had to go back to clonazepam and taper off that. You might consider doing that. I know it made all the difference for me. As soon as I got off the diazepam, my depression lifted.

My situation is getting more & more severe. im starting to think its not even benzo withdrawal causing this anymore. i dont know anyone more severe than I

 

It is, more than likely, Benzos. Everything you describe - quite well BTW, is not at all uncommon. The dark depression, the anhedonia, the mental fatigue, all quite familiar. Benzos strip everything that is you and erases it like a chalkboard. It's a POS existence but not quite as pointless as it seems. The coping skills you develop are, as you come to find, quite remarkable and more than you would have thought possible. I've yet to see that proverbial light at the end of that long dark tunnel, and at this point in my life, it may not come to pass. I don't even know if the wreckage is permanent (in my case) or not. But I figure it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it. Doesn't even matter whether I'm doing it 'right', just going through it is all that is required in learning to just BE. I don't look for the meaning it all of it - in fact, it doesn't mean anything! It changes nothing as to what or who I am.

My situation is getting more & more severe. im starting to think its not even benzo withdrawal causing this anymore. i dont know anyone more severe than I

 

It is, more than likely, Benzos. Everything you describe - quite well BTW, is not at all uncommon. The dark depression, the anhedonia, the mental fatigue, all quite familiar. Benzos strip everything that is you and erases it like a chalkboard. It's a POS existence but not quite as pointless as it seems. The coping skills you develop are, as you come to find, quite remarkable and more than you would have thought possible. I've yet to see that proverbial light at the end of that long dark tunnel, and at this point in my life, it may not come to pass. I don't even know if the wreckage is permanent (in my case) or not. But I figure it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it. Doesn't even matter whether I'm doing it 'right', just going through it is all that is required in learning to just BE. I don't look for the meaning it all of it - in fact, it doesn't mean anything! It changes nothing as to what or who I am.

 

Excellent post!!!!

I am going through a very difficult time in my life and truly - I have to say each day I am thinking "why am I not depressed?? It would be logical" and of course I might be depressed or sad, but this is NOTHING compared to this depression in withdrawal - the difference is that today, I have access to the logical part of my brain, I am able to convince myself that his is just a period of my life, I am working on it, and it will be over some day. Whereas in benzo withdrawal you just do not have access to that part of the brain! You are un-able to step out of the situation and tell yourself "I see - but this is not you, its not how your life will be forever" cause your brain is in such a misbalance that every part of the brain seems to be sad.

Feebi, I am thinking of you and I hope it will get better soon!

Feebi, I understand. I am also in that very dark place and though I'm on 4.7mg Valium, I am on four other things. This has been going on since 2013, coming off drugs since 2015. I've had some windows but right now my life isn't even a life. I carry on, though I don't know how and I can't see any future. You're not alone.

Feebi, I understand. I am also in that very dark place and though I'm on 4.7mg Valium, I am on four other things. This has been going on since 2013, coming off drugs since 2015. I've had some windows but right now my life isn't even a life. I carry on, though I don't know how and I can't see any future. You're not alone.

 

Hey I have been in your shoes, Ativan, Mirtazapine and lots more. Tapered over 5 years til I finally was totally med free. Sending you  my warrior-hero-vibes!