I am forced to go back to work but still really sick...cope? How?

To others that a forced to back to work still suffer really bad? I am still stucked with these intense inner tremor and awful dr dp and visual issues...

I am a reg nurse and I am forced to go back to work again. I might end up in a new job because I cant focus as a nurse. It will be dangerous. So how do you cope working while still really messed up....this state of dissociation is killing me

I had to go back to work a week after I took my last dose and was still in acute withdraw. I am a single mother to four kiddos so I had absolutely no choice. That was 6.5 months ago and I only missed 2 days during that time which I'm kind of proud of. I am a Licensed Mental Health Therapist and being in a helping profession while doing this has been so extreme and awful at times. In this profession, as with most, you have to be so present-focused and that takes a lot of energy when one is well!  I found myself going in and out of reality for months. Sometimes between sessions I would just have to lie down on my own couch. I have often cried at the end of the day for just feeling so physically and mentally ill and surviving another day. None of my clients seem to have even noticed... just older clients who have been with me for awhile could tell that I was sick or that my memory wasn't as good. In some ways, it helped me to have a reason to get out of the house and focus on something other than myself but it has still been brutal. I think the only way it was more manageable is because I can create a soothing atmosphere in my office and it's mostly a one-on-one setting. What type of environment will you be working in?

I am a railroad supervisor. It is an extremely dangerous job and we work under traffic and live power. I went back a week after I jumped. It was brutal. It’s not that I had a mild acute. I lost went from 182 lbs down to 137 in withdrawal. When I went back my heart rate was so high and my legs were so weak I had to take a knee if I tried to walk a couple hundred feet. Looking back I have no idea how I made it. I had no choice. It is amazing the things we can do for our children.

However, going back to work is the best thing you can do. It is a forced distraction. Be honest with everyone about what you are going through. Most won’t believe it and that is okay. I struggled with being an under-performer. I was previously a top performer. My boss was very understanding. He threw me underhanded pitches whenever he could. I really believe that going back to work helps us heal faster but it takes an enormous amount of strength.

 

So, you are asking how to cope with withdrawal when going back to work but in my  experience going back to work IS the answer for how you cope with withdrawal.

I am a railroad supervisor. It is an extremely dangerous job and we work under traffic and live power. I went back a week after I jumped. It was brutal. It’s not that I had a mild acute. I lost went from 182 lbs down to 137 in withdrawal. When I went back my heart rate was so high and my legs were so weak I had to take a knee if I tried to walk a couple hundred feet. Looking back I have no idea how I made it. I had no choice. It is amazing the things we can do for our children.

However, going back to work is the best thing you can do. It is a forced distraction. Be honest with everyone about what you are going through. Most won’t believe it and that is okay. I struggled with bring an under-performer. I was preciously a top performer. My boss was very understanding. He threw me underhanded pitches whenever he could. I really believe that going back to work helps us heal faster but it takes an enormous amount of strength.

 

So, you are asking how to cope with withdrawal when going back to work but im my  experience going back to work IS the answer for how you cope with withdrawal.

 

Good post.  It's like exercising, it blows, it's painful, you feel like crap (at least for me), but in the long run it's likely good for you.  I have been working almost this while time, though I am able to do half from home which is very helpful.  If it's a hard day in work I can mostly recover at home the next day.  Frequent breaks are a must, generally it's the bathroom or getting water for me....just getting away from it. 

I don't know how but I never took any day off.

The acute was like walking though hell like a turtle.

 

Keep strong you can do it!

Great description Raiz...walking through hell like a turtle.  And Jack...like your perspective about work being the ultimate distraction.  Your story is amazing and encouraging.  Thank you.

To others that a forced to back to work still suffer really bad? I am still stucked with these intense inner tremor and awful dr dp and visual issues...

I am a reg nurse and I am forced to go back to work again. I might end up in a new job because I cant focus as a nurse. It will be dangerous. So how do you cope working while still really messed up....this state of dissociation is killing me

 

For dissociation, dp, anxiety, feeling numb etc going back to work was good. It was sooooo horrible first but I became more normal thanks to the job. And could leave the world of bed-sofa-kithcen-bed-mailbox-bed routine. It was also a good side effect that I had to take care about how I look and present myself to others cause I work with people. I started to work when I felt I would die the other day, really. Still there are weeks when I think I will break down and die. And I only work half time. and not every day.

I would say, just try it. give yourself some months in which you try and push through. If you cannot make it, you will find another solution. I do not believe many of us get naturally to a point where they can decide "now I feel good enough to work again", sadly not.

For me, the job has brought new contact, connections, friends, I have learned a new language and improved those that I had spoken before and I feel more "normal" and less "disabled" now, but I still am not healed. It just brings the focus away from only suffering at home, you know. Maybe... just try it!

As you know, I've worked through this whole ordeal, last year as a high school English teacher and I'm now working as a Librarian. It's really hard to work during this but I don't get much relief at home either when my wife and daughter are there. It's like I'm constantly on edge everywhere I go for different reasons. Last year, I couldn't stay home alone because I felt suicidal for a long time and developed monophobia so I just kept working. Now that I don't have that as much anymore, I wonder what it would be like if I weren't working. My only worry about not working is it's just pulling myself out of reality even further and it will be hard to start again if I stop.

 

I take lots of breaks and get up and move whenever I can. I shelf books. I go get water. I go to the bathroom. I straighten up the chairs.

there are lots of coping strategies when you go back to work.

I ate a lot the first months. Food was helping me to hold my nervous system calm. It was funny cause I had a full mouth all the time, even at the phone...

See, and my symptoms were revved up by eating. It’s funny how different this experience is for each one of us.

See, and my symptoms were revved up by eating. It’s funny how different this experience is for each one of us.

 

totally! And now, a year later, I cannot eat at work any more. It is confusing.

Benzo recovery let us become "flexible"

Ha, and now eight months later I am at work with granola bars in my pockets because I can’t stop! Lol.

Ha, and now eight months later I am at work with granola bars in my pockets because I can’t stop! Lol.

 

Its a crazy ride my life. Thats what I have to say ever since I took the first "med".

OMG, thank you all for your testimony... I really needed it, since I have to go back to work next week (I’m a nurse too, and I’m very afraid of doing something wrong since I work with people’s life... To see that many of you made it, is so encouraging... Thank you 🙏

My main symptom is insomnia by the way, did anyone had to work with 2 or 3 hours of sleep during months ?

My main symptom is insomnia by the way, did anyone had to work with 2 or 3 hours of sleep during months ?

 

I have been working since August 2018. One year though. And I have slept about 2-3 hours per night. I did not suffer from insomnia any more I live in a noisy environment and could not find into sleep. I still cannot understand that I am not yet dead.

They key was that I learned that even if I only function on 50% I am still working better than others. Or good enough. And good makeup products. And sweets. And: Cursing in the car.

I took remeron and am tapering now. So I did not have sleep issues. In a previous benzo withdrawal before I knew what was going on I did and had severe insomnia for a couple years. I took melatonin and that worked for me. Makes you groggy for a while after you wake up. Not sure if it causes issues for people in benzo withdrawal but it worked for me.

Oh that’s just sad... I though that someone of you had to work with insomnia, I don’t know why I have the feeling that insomnia is the worst symptom since it make all the others symptoms even worse ... I know, maybe we all have the feeling that we are dealing with the worst symptoms, but I just found insomnia sooo debilitating 😪😪 I can't stand remeron anyway (makes me sooo depressed and groggy 🥴 for days)

Oh that’s just sad... I though that someone of you had to work with insomnia, I don’t know why I have the feeling that insomnia is the worst symptom since it make all the others symptoms even worse ... I know, maybe we all have the feeling that we are dealing with the worst symptoms, but I just found insomnia sooo debilitating 😪😪 I can't stand remeron anyway (makes me sooo depressed and groggy 🥴 for days)

 

In the first 2 years after being med free I still had insomnia. I cannot find a real difference. I even find the situation today worse, cause my body is able and willing to sleep but the neighbors wont let me. I think it does not matter, you feel exhausted and your nerves are at the edge.

On the other side, I have also heard that people went back to work and insomnia even became better because of the day-night-rhythm.

Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend the Remeron unless it was absolutely nexessary. I started it in acute so I couldn’t even feel the side effects because I was so sick. Tapering now is a pain in the ass but a piexe of cake compared to Xanax. That’s my personal experience of course.

I can’t even go to the grocery store, no way I could work. Happy for you that’s awesome!!

I went back to work two months after the jump and it’s been total hell.  I’ve come close to quitting so many times but keep fighting through it.  I did end up having to leave one day after having a massive panic attack before a meeting and told my boss all about it...which ended up being a great thing as he has a daughter with schizophrenia and was very understanding.

 

Suffice to say, the job has been a great thing as it’s a fantastic distraction and at the end of the day I can feel at least a small sense of accomplishment.  I would think many here are very good at their jobs and can sort of do them with their eyes closed.  We’re suffering inside but no one probably notices.  Some pretty amazing willpower here.

Oh yeah this reminds me. I forgot about the first few months after I went back. I had to leave one day and go to the hospital because the muscle weakness got so bad I couldn’t move almost. They held me in the cardiac unit for 24 hrs and as you all well know found nothing. I had to take days off here or there because my body couldn’t handle it. If your state allows file for FMLA. Like immediately. That saved my ass this year. My doctor filled out the paperwork under ptsd, anxiety and depression. I just renewed it for another year. I don’t think I will need it as much this year. However I did already use one day because the remeron taper lowered my stress threshold and I had a little breakdown. But as time progresses I become more and more consistent and reliable at work. My performance has also gotten a lot more normal.

What’s the worst that can happen Sundance? You fail? Then you’re just back to the same place you are now. That fear of failure is a big one for me, but getting over it. I find that the more I’m able to do the better I feel overall after even if I feel like shit during. Go for it, you owe it to yourself to try. It may be just what you need! This hell really grinds your sense of confidence and self worth into the ground, the more of that we can recover the better.

To  all those that are fighting this thankless lonely battle ,,,just keep pushing forward,,,im 28months off and each day is a day in hell....i haven't missed  a days works cause i own the company and people rely on me,,,,i sit in the rest room many  days praying for just a bit of healing or not to wake up as it gets so bad,,,,,i cant believe that some dumb ass created this poison and they just keep handing it out like sweets after there are so  many people suffering,,,,

 

i eat plenty  raw ginger for  the nausea  and the burning seems to take away the pain of suffering .............good luck to all that are on this journey through  hell,,,,,,,,,,,,