feelings of shame

Hello. I was wondering if anyone can relate to this feeling. I have been married to a wonderful man for 33 years. Been on psychiatric medicine for half of our marriage. We decided together to get off of medicine after learning about how it destroys the brain. I have been on antidepressants, anti psychotics, stimulants, benzos, mood stabilizers. I am now on nothing as of 2 and a half months. As time goes by I seem to feel more and more depressed, with self-hate. I am so ashamed of my mental impairments. My husband is the best thing that has happened to me and I have always lived my life wanting to give him my best. Now I feel like I can’t. I am so ashamed of myself that I tell myself daily that he would be better off with someone “normal”.  I want to be close to him but I draw away in shame.  I can’t go anywhere that we might see other women or watch a show with women in it because I start comparing myself and seeing how inadequate I am and how much better they are and I fear he will see it to and leave me. I too feel I have cognitive impairment as I can’t seem to reason things out. I almost believe it and I live in total fear and depression and hopelessness. I’m afraid I will never get better. Can anyone help?

I just wanted to add that I always fear that my husband will eventually leave me because I am not “normal”  even though he reassures me he never will and he is a very trustworthy person.  I have never experienced such self loathing. I’m scared. Is this thinking and feeling all caused by withdrawal?

Those symptoms you mentioned are not uncommon - I can relate to the guilt thing and judgments upon myself. Also, the inability to think critically - to reason things out. The depression - can be debilitating. The thing about these hideous Benzos is that they seem to strip your ego or self-esteem filters the help you maintain a sense of well-being and relative security. But all of that is ravaged and left 'exposed' like someone said, a snail without a shell. It's as though whatever is "you" is erased. So it's no wonder we feel so depressed and impotent. But we all know it's really tough to deal with on a daily basis and we are pretty tough cookies to be able to survive it. Those ideas of guilt, shame about ourselves are entirely false.

Thankyou for responding and reminding me that this is not real. What you said about “me” being erased is exactly how I feel. I am afraid that before all of this is over I will lose everyone I love. I feel like the real me is crying and screaming to get out and I can’t.

I can totally relate. The depressed "me" is not what my husband or other loved ones deserve. It's tough only being the shadow of who you were.

Hello. I was wondering if anyone can relate to this feeling. I have been married to a wonderful man for 33 years. Been on psychiatric medicine for half of our marriage. We decided together to get off of medicine after learning about how it destroys the brain. I have been on antidepressants, anti psychotics, stimulants, benzos, mood stabilizers. I am now on nothing as of 2 and a half months. As time goes by I seem to feel more and more depressed, with self-hate. I am so ashamed of my mental impairments. My husband is the best thing that has happened to me and I have always lived my life wanting to give him my best. Now I feel like I can’t. I am so ashamed of myself that I tell myself daily that he would be better off with someone “normal”.  I want to be close to him but I draw away in shame.  I can’t go anywhere that we might see other women or watch a show with women in it because I start comparing myself and seeing how inadequate I am and how much better they are and I fear he will see it to and leave me. I too feel I have cognitive impairment as I can’t seem to reason things out. I almost believe it and I live in total fear and depression and hopelessness. I’m afraid I will never get better. Can anyone help?

 

Faith, you are just ill and need to heal. Your "value" as a person is not affected by this illness. Indeed, one day your husband can also get sick and will need your support. Now you need his. Marriage is a two-way street in which people should help one another when needed.

 

It's great that you are aware of your feelings of shame. I had them too in relation to many things until I understood they were rooted in my upbringing under a narcissistic mother. Maybe trying to understand where your shame may come from can help you. One thing is certain, people are not goods with a value attached, we are all equally valid.

Oh, yes, those feelings you have are considered normal in withdrawal/recovery. Shame, regret, self-loathing - the list goes on and on. This is NOT YOU. It's the drugs' effects.