Almost 3 years off feel like I did before and right after my CT!

Trigger warning ⚠️

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

I’m so sorry to post again so soon and this is a hard post to write because I feel like I’m back to where I was almost 34 months ago before and right after my CT off Xanex and that scares me 😭

 

I don’t understand this anymore whatever has happened or changed over the last few weeks since I dropped the Zoloft 1% and then was forced back in the hospital where I didn’t even have the Zoloft for 2 days has sent me spiraling into a deeper level of hell literally feels like the same level of hell I was experiencing when I was still on the Xanex that last month before my CT when I was in severe tolerance and kindled badly! I remember that last month on the Xanex every time I took it my brain was set on fire like someone had dropped my brain in acid then light it on fire and ran it over fresh asphalt filled with glass the burning ripping pulling binding pressure numbness and pain in my head the severe akathisia pacing terror day and night insomnia rage fits air hunger deep dark intrusive thoughts including SU/HM ideation all of which where and became so severe my parents forced me into the hospital because they didn’t know what to do and I didn’t either I couldn’t be alone couldn’t even be around my kids because of the darkness and evil in my head I remember it being so bad and severe the night before they took me to the hospital my dad had to sleep by me in a chair in the living room because I was afraid I was gonna have a psychotic breakdown and do something Crazy the torment was so severe head just on fire 🔥 buzzing noise in my brain every time I moved and the akathisia was just so severe and the thoughts so bad I was getting about 2-3 hours of sleep a day and I don’t know if I’ve ever had a window since it’s been constant hell for almost 3 years since my CT and of course being put back on Zoloft then has not helped my situation and all just varying degrees of hell but it’s so bad now I’m having flash backs remembering how it was then and that scares me!

 

I don’t understand this how can it be this bad after almost 3 years? The physical symptoms in my head the severe emotional symptoms almost psychosis like it was the first time I was put in the hospital 34 months ago crawling out of my own skin out on the porch the physical symptoms so bad and severe just shaking and screaming can’t distract there are no distractions for this level of hell literally questioning your sanity and nothing but darkness and evil horrible thoughts feeling like your about to completely lose your mind😭 so bad that I can’t even watch a movie or play a game to distract without having to get up every 30 mins to pace and walk and try not to lose it! This is crazy! I feel like whatever all that did to me even though it was still hell before 3 weeks ago just literally set me back 34 months and I’m back at the beginning rate terror head on fire losing my mind feel like I’m just gonna burst out and lash out and do something stupid holding on for dear life tossing and turning in my bed holding on to the back of it trying not to move or think because I just can’t handle it anymore!

 

I don’t know what’s Benzo or what Zoloft I never have but I do know that it was like this when I was still on the Xanex the first year off of it so that tells me I’m severely protracted and still in Benzo hell and anytime I try and drop the Zoloft even 1% it makes it worse so I’m at a loss and at this point feel like I’m one of the unlucky ones where the Benzo damage is permanent and being poly drugged on top of it just made it so much worse 😭

Yeah the bad thing for me was I had these symptoms while I was still on the Benzo even before I was put back on the Zoloft 😥 and anytime I try to drop the Zoloft it makes it so much worse

It sounds like Zoloft was helping you to feel better. I might consider staying on it awhile longer at the dose I felt better on. Have you considered waiting to taper?

Yeah I’m gonna hold at 81mg and not taper anymore for awhile and I may have to wait till the Benzo completely heals before I can taper it 😥

Maize, my heart goes out to you tonight. I know how bad you feel, how frightened and helpless. I was just the same way when I went off Klonapin, Ambien and 2 SSRIs back in 2012. I was forced to go cold turkey and I don't regret that for reasons I wont go into now.

For some it DOES take more time. It took me 3 years to feel functional and "like myself" again. But even after that I had some more healing to do.

I can only guess here, but the trauma of going back into the hospital stressed you out a great deal, and that might have made all your symptoms get worse for a while.

I wont advise you on resuming Zoloft. That is up to you only.

I CAN tell you that eventually you WILL heal from the benzos, j ust as I did. Some people are just slow healers, like I was.

Please do not give up. Its hard to tell you how much better I feel now, off benzos and SSRIS. Turned out, for me, anyway, that my drugs had CAUSED my deep depression and anxiety. Once I healed from them, I had none of that stuff. Just ordinary temporary sadness, and normal anxiety in uncertain situations.

Please let us know how you are doing. All of us want to be helpful.

east (Annie)

Thank you Ms Annie

Maize, I've read your post a few times and I'm very sorry you are having such a difficult time withdrawing from this medication. I CT'd off Klonopin after using for about 5 years and am very familiar with the "benzo hell" you are experiencing.. I'm glad you got off of Xanax, that is a difficult thing to do so you should be proud of that 

 

My guess is that what you are experiencing now is a bi-product of the Zoloft your are taking, 100 mg is not a small dose and you're most likely experiencing tolerance withdrawal from that (not your previous CT) which is amplified by your previous withdrawal off of Xanax.

 

That's just my guess, let me know if you have questions I am here daily.

 

na-