Where do I belong on the forum?

Ugh, after having an horrific 2019, I’m feeling lost.

 

My main long standing problem is depression with anxiety.

 

I’ve been on and off benzos for about 8 years - Xanax or Valium. Never at high doses, although this doesn’t seem to matter with me, I still get pretty severe withdrawal from them.

 

I tapered from March to July 6mg of Valium when I jumped from 1mg and as the weeks progressed I’ve had the worst depression I’ve ever had. So I chose with much agony to go back up to 1mg last week. Drs are telling me this isn’t even going to do anything, but I feel a hint of relief. I’m disappointed in myself for not being able to stay off but couldn’t continue.

 

Now feeling confused where I stand. Am I in the depression category? I was post withdrawal, now I guess I’m back to during taper??

 

This is rough

 

Rose 🌹 xx

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Do you feel better now your back on the 1mg? any anxiety?

 

My depression is off the charts!!!! and im not even close to finishing my taper, if im like this now ill be a vegetable once this is all over.

 

It’s actually taken the edge of the depression and I’m waking up less panicked. I respond to very low doses of meds though. I want to keep the taper going, but not sure how to find the way. It’s depressing to think about my next move. I haven’t had to taper for so long before, every other time has been successful. It’s hard to maintain hope with depression hey. Sending hope for yours to give you some peace. xx

have you tapered off more than once before?

have you tapered off more than once before?

 

Yes. The details are sketchy, but I’ve taken Xanax for 6 months at a time about 3 or 4 times and stopped with a two week taper... except the last time 😩 I kindled and had to swap to Valium for two’ish years before this taper. Possibly it’s harder for me with Valium, but I’m never taking a Xanax again after my experience.

is there anyway you can get a compounding prescription for the last 1mg. I know of 2 people who take off 0.0125mg per week. its going to take u about 100 days to get off but if youre feeling better on 1mg why not take it slowly?

is there anyway you can get a compounding prescription for the last 1mg. I know of 2 people who take off 0.0125mg per week. its going to take u about 100 days to get off but if youre feeling better on 1mg why not take it slowly?

 

I tried that before I jumped, only problem is that it’s compounded in an alcohol solution and alcohol sets off my ptsd. Even in tiny amounts - my brain is weird. I’m just going to have to sit on this 1mg until I feel stable   

RoseQuartz, I'm sorry to hear the depression is so bad. It comes up often here over the five years I've been reading that many people are hit pretty hard with extreme depression on Valium. Though I know that all the benzos can do this, it does seem that some kind of markedly intense depression is reserved for those on Valium.

 

From my experience with Xanax, I do not blame you for not wanting to go back on that. Probably it is good that you went up to 1mg, seeing as it was a relatively quick transition from 6mg compared to what many do with slow micro-tapers. I get very confused by reading signatures and am not very good at it to this point, but I think that you would find some solid support on the Long Hold Support Group thread in the Support Groups section. I would, if it were I, consider doing a micro-taper from 1mg once you stabilize. I think with slow tapers it is fairly standard to go down 1/100 or 1/1000 of a mg. at a time. You could do a symptoms-based one, or you could make a schedule over in taper support. Builder can help.

 

I feel like it would be motivating to start somewhere with it so that you don't feel you will be like this 'forever.' Moving forward, even slowly, could be a challenge but it could give you hope for the future to have a direction with it and to re-involve yourself in the most important project you have before you. I know the LHSG is a good place to be. There are many sweet and caring people there. I don't know if you've looked or asked questions there before but I can safely bet that it wouldn't be difficult to join.

 

I believe it is written in the bb rules that anyone is able to post anywhere. If you are able, I'd do what I have suggested and also find 1-3 threads that may serve as a distraction in the Accentuate The Positive section; or any section really. There is even a new Spanish speaking area of the forum... you could start learning Spanish (slowly) if you don't already know it. A way I have coped with depression in life, is to force myself to do one small thing a day that serves as a contact with myself or others.

 

It seems like even healthy, well-functioning people also struggle to get a lot done. If anyone can achieve even 1-3 small new tasks or advances in one day and enjoy, or pretend to enjoy, one cup of coffee/decaf or tea and manage to look out a window for 15 min. I feel like that is a successful day. Maybe even force themseves to go to the mailbox and watch one (hypothetically) inspiring video on YouTube or anything like this--pet an animal or do 10 sit-ups--small things like this. You don't have to do too many, but to force yourself to do a few and even keep a blog, p-log (here) or a journal at home (or all three,) I'm sure would be enough of the small, life-affirming steps that are necessary in a day added together to begin with, and would hold you accountable to yourself and to life. It could also open up daily, or near-daily, opportunities for you to receive the support and compassion that are necessary in this time. It could provide energy/momentum/ideas/avenues for more of that.

 

If you have a spiritual practice, I'd gently entertain the idea of doing anything that is non-threatening and doesn't require too much thought also. Anything that feels remotely inspiring or good in some way. Or theoretically good, from the self you remember or for the version of yourself you wish to become.

 

With depression, sometimes the best thing is to sit there with it. I don't recommend doing only this however. You can set aside brief intervals of time through the day to do some of the small things I mentioned which build over time. The depression you are experiencing sounds to me like it is heavily benzo related/chemical. And it is beyond awful, I understand. Benzodiazepine depression is like nothing else. I am really glad you reached out and created this post. It is a wonderful question, and I am attempting to answer because I understand how lonely and awful it can be, and I also have made it a priority to include myself in many areas of the forum. I don't know where I learned this, but somewhere along the line I began to understand that I needed to actively promote myself in life in order to just make it, to forge a path through the darkness and anxiety and to gradually build any social connections I need.

 

For many years, even through my 20's, I was incredibly lonely and isolated. (It still happens, it's something I must battle for life but I have gotten much better at understanding how to win when I take it and life one day at a time.) I was nearly always alone. It's too long a story, and there were times when I was a child that it wasn't quite as bad, but I still nearly always felt out of place.

 

I think loneliness, depression and anxiety are all states of being most people feel and have felt consistently through time. It's likely something we all share, even those of us who force ourselves to reach out continually to others. That does help, however! Even for the most introverted among us. This is something which must be done nearly every day in order to truly work, though. I am not  that incredibly introverted compared to some, but I am fairly introverted naturally (not a bad thing) and I find that if I force myself to look outside of myself and become interested in any details about other's lives, or share anything on my own mind or in my heart in a way that even remotely relates to what someone else is talking about... or it can just come out of nowhere that I express something,... that there will be someone, somewhere that responds. Whether it is here or walking down the street where I am able to get myself to make eye contact, smile or wave to someone else. People also become very interested in us when we are focused on a task or being present in some way. Even practicing getting into the flow awkwardly can open up a dialogue of some kind, verbal or non-verbal. This is success. Mark your successes, no matter how small, and congratulate yourself. Just the fact that you reached out on here and now there is this reply, is what it takes to begin a momentum for become (re-)connected. If you keep taking steps like this the possibilities are limitless. I feel this applies to all human beings everywhere no matter what age, height, weight, socio-economic status, color of skin, etc.--we all crave connection. You will find others like-minded, if you haven't already or don't already fully understand this principle. Maybe this can serve as a (hopefully) gentle reminder of the value and importance of interaction, and that it is always possible. Even in benzo depression.

 

Do it daily. There are many threads and a good amount of forum areas to choose from. I know that being depressed, everything is out of reach. Maybe these are too many ideas. If so, I apologize, also hope I don't sound prescriptive or like I am slamming you with advice. But really, if you can remember anything you once liked to do or simply pretend in your mind that one day you may enjoy something again, this is hope. It really can help to "fake it 'till you make it." In life, I have not been so keen on many of these kinds of statements and positive, cliches before. But they are still effective when you do them with limp limbs and a numb brain, and especially if you do them over and over and over again every day no matter what even (and especially) when you think that is the last thing you should do.

 

I wish that I made a list. That may be a good idea at some point. Only because depression and I have been such good friends in the past and I know it somewhat well. It can always come with surprises. It can deepen our understanding of what it means to be human and so ultimately cause us to be able to make better connections to life, with others and with ourselves in the long run. If I were you I would make a visual list of ideas and then sort and make any categories that seem to emerge on their own to organize it a little, and finally make a daily schedule that gets you moving emotionally, phyisically, mentally and possilby spiritually. I would try to at least start with one small thing for each area.

 

Another good idea is to make your bed every morning no matter what, and to make yourself have something to eat and brush your teeth and wash your face. Also to run a brush through your hair. Make yourself shower. use moisturizer and possibly put on concealer or a bb cream... something like a tinted moisturizer on your face and lipgloss. I promise, that if you make yourself do a small rountine like this and pick up any clothing off the floor you will feel better. I know that at this point it will seem like this kind of thing could kill you, well why not? It already feels like you're dying I bet. May as well do it gracefully and with some style.

 

You see what I'm saying? I don't know your personality, but it helps me when I'm very depressed to use gallows humor sometimes and to make morbid jokes to myself. Or just absolutely ridiculous things in my head and sometimes say out loud to myself. It could even help to find not only motivational, but melancholic authors or movies. It could help to watch something really sad, and to connect with any sliver of human suffering that someone else is going through and relate to it. Whatever it takes, to continue from here and not stay quite as stuck. Depression is like a white or a gray canvas, you have to mark it up. You need to find some bright color and throw it at the monotony. Take the canvas and throw it on the ground, stomp on it, punch a hole through it, make fun of it and all the abusurdity and cause a change. Get the rock to roll down the hill, build and gain momentum.

 

It is so painful, I understand. I get that these suggestions could be like knives, but to push past the disgust over all of it and the completely hopeless nature is something we are all capable of--you must find the will within yourself.

 

Please make a small routine to start with if you don't do this already and keep posting. Possibly you could listen to one motivational video a morning. And include yourself, continue to do so. It is not a bad thing to do, and even through the sometimes fear of beginning with it it is so worth it. You already did, and I may not be telling you anything you don't already know, but it's the doing that counts. You already started the doing, don't stop. And "just do it" every day.

 

I wish that everyone on this forum, and in life, understood about including themselves. It does take a little boldness, but no one with any sense will ever judge you for it. We are all the same basically, but it's the similarities and the differences that make for interest in relating. It is said that the more personal one is able to become in their observations of themselves/appreciation of themselves, the more universal they are. That means that if you share what you feel could be the most unimportant and bland details about your existence, or the most embarrassing, someone out there will see that and relate or want to understand more and know more about you. We all just want to connect, it just is the way it is. If you keep trying and are consistent in visiting and exposing small parts of yourself or saying "hello, I am here" in the same place and at basically the same time every day, you will find a spot for yourself and you will feel like you belong. I gaurantee this. You have your own signature, your own essence and your own contribution to make just by existing. It takes almost no effort the more you do it. It's like exercise of any kind, if you push past the hardest part which is starting, you will be rewarded exponentially.

 

My best, and sending my love to you. Be willing to make mistakes and feel foolish or to risk not connecting with quite a few. Have faith that your tribe or tribes are out there. Have faith that there are like-minded people whose lives would be so much better with you in it... because it's true. And you will learn more about yourself, life and about people and all kinds of things along the way and will grow. Anything that isn't growing is dead. Make sure you are learning and growing every day no matter what age you are. Study the cultures of the Okinawans or what used to be the older ways of living by your own ancestors or the Greeks or the Italians. They have excellent ideas about living life to it's fullest. There is age-old wisdom you can apply, to beat the ugly beast of depression. They are things we can all rediscover, the old tried and true. Things that bring grace, honor and dignity to life no matter how much suffering we are going through or are in.

 

I hope you start with pretending to love or wonder at a plant, or a cloud. Make it possible with small steps and do this one day at a time. Eventually make the daily schedule, make a weekly schedule and add chores. Accomplishing small tasks helps pass the day and causes one to feel better, no matter how bad they are feeling. I know! I have suffered a lot, and I know these things for certain.

 

Love,

mp.

 

Thank you Mon Pilote, for your beautiful and thoughtful reply. A lot of what you’re saying resonates with me. I feel spiritual and have faith and hope this makes a difference. I’ll have to read again as it’s too good not to - everyone should! I didn’t know about the long hold group, definitely going to head over there. xx