Moving ON - Well trying to...

It all started during a very crazy time in my life -

We were building a new house, trying to have a baby, starting a new business and living with my mom while our house was being built and to top it off it was the dead of winter in MN - OH HOW COULD I FORGET WE HAVE 4 DOGS LIVING IN A ALREADY tiny house -

It was crazy -

I was beyond stressed out and coming unglued - I remember spinning off the deep end and being so overwhelmed I couldn't take it -

Soooo I made my way into my Dr.'s office and he quickly prescribed me Xanax -

I was told to take .25 mgs 3x a day and then as needed -

Backtrack I'm 7 years sober from drugs and alcohol - I knew these things were addictive but I didn't know what to do I was desperate for relief -

I took the tiny white pills and at first felt very out of sorts, almost drunk and a little paranoid & VERY tired but i got used to it - and that became my little helper because i didn't drink it was my little helper in social situations - everything seemed a little smoother and cooler once I took a pill - We'' I thought - everyone else gets to have a cocktail to relax why can't i take a little something too -

That was my downfall - The Dr. said I could take them "as needed" so that's what I did - when in NEDDED them, right?

I quickly became immune to the drug and needed more - wouldn't a bath be nicer with 3 pills instead of one? I was off to the races -

No I forgot to mention that the Dr. that prescribed me this medication was not my usual DR. My usual Dr. specializes in patients in recovery and substance abuse and he would have NEVER prescribed these to me -

But like I said I was desperate for relief -

Fast track to us moving into our house & the stress had dissipated a little I was ready to stop taking these little friends and so I quit cold turkey - boy was that a bad mistake -

If I was bad before taking these I was 100 times worse after -

It started off about 5 days after stopping Xanex - I got itchy, restless and felt like I was coming out of my skin -

then things took a turn for the worst and fast -

I was paranoid beyond belief, couldn't eave the house, shaking, vomiting, any and everything under the sun - and the worst thing is no one could help me - I called the Dr. that prescribed me the medication and he said that's very odd to be experiencing these symptoms being that you were on such a low dose - I called the nurse constantly asking for answers from the Dr. - he prescribed Hydrocodizine - its a glorified Benadry and it did nothing - I was beyond that helping - I also tried CBD and nothing helped - the bad thing about detoxing from Benzoes is nothing helps except going back on them - there's nothing they can give you, you just need to tough it out and walk through it- I was suicidal, had the craziest thoughts and couldn't calm anything down - I would lay in my bed thinking I just wish I could drive a car or be normal -

The pain finally got to bad and I went to the Emergency room and was sent to the psych ward for 4 days - there we're others there that we're suffering from benzo withdrawal too - some after being on the drugs for 18 years - all sanctioned by there Dr. - crazy I know -

There I was reunited with my Dr. who I worked with in the past - He helped me through everything even though I was not in the clear - they put me on 600 mgs of Serequel - I took it every 2 hours and all I wanted to do was sleep - but every time I closed my eyes I was filled with anxiety and fear - I wasn't safe with my eyes open or closed -

I left he hospital better but still not ok -

I'm 3 months off Benzoes and still having flash back symptoms - especially at night - my therapist and I had to devise a whole plan for me to feel comfortable in my sleeping arrangement being that that's where I spent most of my time during detoxing -

My husband has been amazing and my work very accommodating -

This stuff is no joke and I wish Dr's would warn patients of the severity of this drug - It's not easy tapering and not easy going cold turkey -

It's the worst - but this state has been very helpful - I would say to y husband over and over - is it going to get better? when is it going to get better - My social anxiety still comes and goes and I just have to be particular about who I surround myself with -

I'm taking it one day at a time -

This was a reset, a wake up call for a million other things in my life, a time of reflection -

It makes us stronger -

Oh Iv'e been listening to motivational & self esteem tapes as well and they have been helpful -

Sending Love & Light to all you brave souls -

It will get better!

Wow...Welcome Chebay.  This is quite a familiar story.  Sounds somewhat like mine.  Would you mind completing your signature so we have better info on your benzo history?  Sounds like you are doing ok after 3 months off a C/T.  Brutal.  Look forward to reading more about your progress. 

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a great deal of strength to taper...congratulations! Take good care of yourself as you continue to heal. Keep us posted on your progress.

 

With support,

Carita