Did I screw up?

Last week I completely had a breakdown. I'm talking a panic attack that lasted days with me ending up in a second psych hospital within 3 weeks. It just seems to be getting worse. I went to to ER twice last week and was given no relief. I was extremely suicidal and in so much pain that I gave in and took .5 mg of Ativan. I IMMEDIATELY regretted it, but in the situation, it felt like my last choice. I feel sick now. I have had diarreah for a few days, which I haven't had since the first month of c/t. I am feeling things I felt that first month. Did I just re-start my withdrawal? I CANNOT keep going like this. I wish I never had been taken off because the hell of withdrawal is far worse than the tolerance I built. I am in constant terror. I woke up this morning after only 3 hours of sleep absolutely certain I was having a heart attack.

 

Side note: they did put me on Geoden in the hospital, which I stopped taking yesterday because I'm so sick of psych meds. My vision was so blurry I couldn't read, and I was sweating profusely. My Mom was upset with me discontinuing the new med, but they just make me worse.

 

I also found out last week that I was actually prescribed Klonopin for the first time in 2005.... making it 14 years, not 10 like I had thought.

Who cares if you have prolonged your recovery or not.. it is time to deal with the present.  Get the help and resources you need to survive this Acute stage of withdrawals and then believe that you are healing during the rest of your recovery. You got this!

Ali, how are you doing? Just checking on you...

Ali, how are you doing? Just checking on you...

 

Not well, unfortunately. I've been hospitalized twice in the last 3 weeks. I've been to the ER 4 times in a week (1 when they hospitalized me.) I'm a mess. Really just trying to survive at this point.

So sorry for what you're going through. I can completely relate to almost all of it.  I just wanted to say that during my taper I've occasionally taken "rescue doses" and had no problem going back down to where I was.  Do whatever you need to do to survive this.  Praying for you.

Ali, how are you doing? Just checking on you...

 

Not well, unfortunately. I've been hospitalized twice in the last 3 weeks. I've been to the ER 4 times in a week (1 when they hospitalized me.) I'm a mess. Really just trying to survive at this point.

 

I'm so sorry. Are they able to help you in the hospital? What are they doing for you? I've bordered on going so many times in the last six months.

Ali, how are you doing? Just checking on you...

 

Not well, unfortunately. I've been hospitalized twice in the last 3 weeks. I've been to the ER 4 times in a week (1 when they hospitalized me.) I'm a mess. Really just trying to survive at this point.

 

I'm so sorry. Are they able to help you in the hospital? What are they doing for you? I've bordered on going so many times in the last six months.

 

It only helps in making me feel safe. They've put me on meds each time that have made me worse. Zyprexa the first time and Geodon this last time. Geodon is giving me Tardive Dyskinesia where I'm repeatedly clicking my jaw, so I stopped taking it yesterday.

 

I underwent ECT from 2012-2014 and it saved my life. I've decided to do it again and have my consultation on Thursday. (PLEASE NOBODY TELL ME IT'LL HURT ME, ETC. I CANNOT HANDLE NEGATIVITY ABOUT IT.)  I believe my meds of 10 or so years also stopped working so I'm just one  awful mess.

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted 

How are you Alibuttons?