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This is so frustrating.  I never meet people.  Or at least not to the point of being friends or finding a girlfriend.  I'm so BORED going year after year not dating.  This has always been the case, so not the benzo.  But when I was on the benzo it of course didn't help matters.

 

I want to bang my head on something due to the boredom!

 

Maybe someone will have suggestions, but all I know is I have no job and online sure hasn't turned into anything.  And heck... not having a job in itself will make a lot of women treat you like you're the plague.  It's like if you're not working you deserve to sit there alone until you die.  :P  Not like dating someone is marrying them.

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I find the best way to meet people is to volunteer somewhere that I have an interest and some knowledge.  The second best way for me is to take a class for adults.  I usually like hobby type classed is  but even a more focused class should bring you into contact with other people of like mind.  I think the volunteering is great because you interact a lot with people that have similar interests and you meet the nicest people.  Gets you outside of yourself for a while and concentrating on helping other people.  The world isn't going to come to you, Midnight, so go out there and meet it head on!  :thumbsup:
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Yeah, good ideas.  I've eben told by my mom I should volunteer somewhere for ages, but I guess I am ALMOST as afraid of volunteer work as a "real job" I would be paid for.  I'm not sure if it's me being afraid of change itself or if I am worried I will be judged and hated or what exactly.  I guess both.  I have had my whole life feel like I am in conflict with everybody I care about at all.  I always feel that people think I'm stupid even though I'm intelligent.  More stupid about social things I guess.

 

Also as far as volunteering I kept worrying I would volunteer for something involving sick people then they would die and me be depressed due to ahving got close to them.  Some people can't handle that and I'm one who feels emotion easily.  So I would have to think of something to volunteer for that wouldn't set me uyp for that.  At least now while I am easily affected emotionally.

 

Taking a class was always recomended to me also.  I don't know.  I've got to figure all of this out.  I am getting depressed again due to being alone.  I've never had a great relationship, in my opinion, or even friendship since I was young.  So it's really getting to me at the moment.  I wish I could think of more to do for fun around here also and actually make myself talk to people, but it feels kind of hopeless sometimes.

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Sorry your having trouble with the boredom, and welcome to the forum. The chat here can be funny late night. I don't get out much, so I spend allot of time on the xbox :)
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Thanks.  Yeah video games and watching tv is practically all I do lately.  About to make some new websites and do some programming for them soon so hopefully that will lead to something interesting.  Otherwise I need to think of things to do around people though.  Well and actually talk to them when I am indeed around them.  I'm the type who is extremely outgoing when around people I am comfortable with so me being shy around strangers is annoying.  And really since I keep not dating I feel like I have this huge side of me that I show to nobody because I don't ever quite feel accepted.
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Yeah, good ideas.  I've eben told by my mom I should volunteer somewhere for ages, but I guess I am ALMOST as afraid of volunteer work as a "real job" I would be paid for.  I'm not sure if it's me being afraid of change itself or if I am worried I will be judged and hated or what exactly.  I guess both.  I have had my whole life feel like I am in conflict with everybody I care about at all.  I always feel that people think I'm stupid even though I'm intelligent.  More stupid about social things I guess.

 

Also as far as volunteering I kept worrying I would volunteer for something involving sick people then they would die and me be depressed due to ahving got close to them.  Some people can't handle that and I'm one who feels emotion easily.  So I would have to think of something to volunteer for that wouldn't set me uyp for that.  At least now while I am easily affected emotionally.

 

Taking a class was always recomended to me also.  I don't know.  I've got to figure all of this out.  I am getting depressed again due to being alone.  I've never had a great relationship, in my opinion, or even friendship since I was young.  So it's really getting to me at the moment.  I wish I could think of more to do for fun around here also and actually make myself talk to people, but it feels kind of hopeless sometimes.

 

One of the best things I did for myself when depressed was to get a dog.  Walking a dog or taking him to the dog park, there were always people who would ask about him or want to pet him.  Sometimes we'd get into real conversations.  The walking was good for me and has been scientifically proven to reduce depression better than most a/d's.  

 

I'm the same as you about getting too emotionally involved.  That's why, even though I love animals, I can't bring myself to volunteer at the animal shelter for more than office work and fund raising.  Going back to the kennels area is a killer.  If you like dogs but can't get one, the local shelter might have a dog walking program for volunteers.  You could still use him/her as a conversation started, get exercise and meet people.  A win win win!  Our women's shelter operates a thrift store and people volunteer to work there.  There are other kinds of organizations that run thrift stores as well, not just women's shelters.  There's an online volunteer clearinghouse where I live.  I enter my interests and it gives me suggestions based on the needs of various organizations.  One I'm seriously considering is teaching basic computer and Internet skills to older people at the Senior Center.  I like the idea of a structured setting and clear purpose.

http://www.serve.gov/

 

Maybe volunteering regularly would  help you get a job later.  First, you'd need to face down you fears of being judged or whatever and second you'd have a source for a referral for your work habits, reliability, etc.  Do think about it, Midnight.  You need to start doing something different or you are going to go on getting more of the same.

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Well on that site I found 2 thigns that would maybe be ok.  But one problem is that i don't drive and none are near me.  Would have to get a relative to take me to it or something.  I'm kind of depressed that I have to depend on others to even get me anywhere.  And I'm scrapped for money as it is so wouldn't want to be paying a lot for transportation of other types.

 

I'm just flat stumped as to what my next step should be in life really.  And even if I were to live to life expectancy I'm almost half way there and never even had a true "real" date!  That's driving me insane not having companionship for that long.  And trying to force the situation obviously usually causes it not to happen at all.  I'm not sure how I'll ever get what I want out of life.  As far as relationships go, I would probably be awkward at first in social situations.  ALREADY hard to find anyone to date as it is and then they'll be immediately gone since most people aren't understanding.  I'm actually a likeable person, but have to be comfortable.

 

People always say you don't need a relationship blah blah blah, but I guarantee that's NOT people who have never dated saying that!  Yeah go a year without one... who cares, but go your whole life without a good relationship and not so fun.

 

edit:  great... some places in walking distance from me apparently don't have job openings when I assumed they would.  I really ened a job pretty soon and with me not driving and having now ork experience it's a mess figuring that situation out.  That's why it's so hard to improve my life... I have to go through a lot of "thinking" to even "want" to find a job.  Then if I do finally get to that point well a job doesn't magically appear.  So then if I don't find one while my mind is right for it then I go back to not looking again.

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Midnight volunteering is a great way to meet people and you don't know where it is going to lead either jobwise.  With me as you can tell by my user name I am a big hockey fan so I volunteered to do some hockey writing for a website and you know I have to say that I love it.  Through that site I have met many people here that are involved with hockey and a lot of my friends are ones that work at the local hockey arena.  I would have never known those wonderful people had I not volunteered.
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Hello,

 

I could have written this post myself. I am having the same problem, though female. I grew up in NYC and men there are (in my memory) completely different from the country I live in now (Germany). I am used to men coming up and looking for contact with me and also expected this to happen here. But they dont and it has gotten me very, very depressed over the years.

 

I still find myself expecting this, like when I am downtown in a cafe and a man is sitting close to me, that he may talk to me and start a conversation. And every time no one does, I get more and more discouraged. I dont know if it is the German men or if it is me. But I cannot once in all the 30 years I have lived here remember any man ever not passing me by where I feel I am going unnoticed. So I too have wound up living a very, very lonely life.

 

All I have left is my mom. She is 85 years old. And here is an experience I had the other day. I drove her to the bank and suddenly a man walked up to us and said "Hello you two wonderful ladies, how are you today? What nice two ladies!" It almost knocked me down. I felt since no one ever said anything like that to me, it had to be my 85 year old mom who had drawn his attention!! My mom said "he´s crazy", but for me who has thirsted for that kind of noticing in decades it was so surprising.

 

When I got home I asked myself what in the world I am doing wrong? Again it threw me into such despair and depression.

 

Lizzie

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Interesting.  I've heard before that people in general in Germany don't express emotion as much and tend to be depressed more often.  I think some study claimed that.  But anyway interesting that it's different there.  trust me I wish in the U.S. that guys didn't have to practically always be the oens approaching the women!  That's why I never end up dating.  lol  But then again I am interested in women who aren't TOO outgoing... so if one did approach me I bet I would panick and think she would be controlling.  That would be my fear anwyay, but I'm sure some who would ask a guy out would not be overbearing... it's just what my brain originally assumes though.

 

I'm sure you're not doing anything wrong. Just some random times you'll be in the right place, I assume.  I honestly have no idea what I can do to end up in a good relationship.  I feel like I'm so socially inexperienced that women will immediately break up with me when I am awkward at first.  I do like young women, but I'm sure part of why they would even date someone older is thinking he's so confident and experienced and whatnot.

 

It's just so depressing feeling alone!  I was at a concert tonight and I got depressed partly because that's a setting that reminds you of your loneliness when you see everyone around with other people.  I really think I can be likeable, but yet I fear I'm never going to have the chance to BE liked because nobody ever ends up knowing me.

 

Hopefully we both figure something out.  I guess in my case I need to improve my self esteem still...  But I think it still goes beyond that too.  I'm so lonely that although I'm not desperate in one sense I am desperate in another sense...  I am not desperate enough to be friends or more with someone I don't like, but I am desperate to the point where if I DO find someone I like I'll just push to get it serious and that would ruin it.

 

I just think a LOT of my depression is due to this.  I always feel like nobody accepts me.  My parents kind of do, but that's of course not the same.

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I always feel like nobody accepts me.  My parents kind of do, but that's of course not the same.

 

I feel exactly the same way. Today I was out with my mom and she gave me such compliments and it felt sooo great, that really builds me up. Then I talked to her about an actual problem that will be coming towards me: I must go to a clinic for withdrawal, I went last year and they tore me to pieces, always criticized me and I felt very unliked. I tried to talk to my mom about that too.She knows about my fear of what lies ahead.  But all I got was lack of compassion, understanding and the reaction: "You are making a fuss about this again and carrying on about this again! Can´t we talk about anything else?!" Well, that to me is inacceptance - problems ARE a part of life.

 

Elke

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Yeah I would say that's pretty similar for me also.  My parents can be udnerstanding or they can be annoyed and seem to forget how hard some things are for me or people with bad anxiety.  People who don't have it as badly usually think "well I've gone through that too and I made it through it".  But they don't understand that not everyone "feels" to the same degree.  And not all people know how to handle things as well no matter how hard they try.

 

Depending on parents to improve the mood is not good either, so I wish I would somehow figure all of this out and get thngs how they should be.  I'm so discouraged.  The "real me" is an extremely caring and compassionate person.  But I don't even get to show it to anyone.  And then I depend too much on others to make me happy since I don't know how to get happy on my own apparently.  Or not for a long amount of time, anyway.

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Hi midnight,

 

I see a contradiction here. You say it is not good to depend on parents to improve your mood. Then you write that you depend on others to make you happy.

 

I think we need good friends to make us happy. We most importatly need people we know we can rely on. Right now the only person I know I can rely on is my mom. It doesnt matter to me that she is 85 years old, although I do get stupid comments sometimes from people when we are out. Before my dad died HE was the only person I could rely on. And by that I mean going out and doing things together that we enjoyed. Now maybe they need me just as much as both were old and reached out for someone to care for them in their old age.

 

But I have had many relationships, many so called friends - and sadly they were all unreliable.

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I wasn't contradicting. I was saying it's not good in either case, thus I need to not depend on them as much (parents, friends, anyone else).  It amkes things much easier if you can depend on people, but I'm just saying it can go too far to where you can't do things for yourself if you had to.  And although I live on my own now and do some thngs for myself I still feel too codependant.

 

But either way I'm so depressed from loneliness.  I so badly wish I had sojem good friends and a girlfriend, but never happens.  I think people were meant to have companionship.  I'm just saying if you get too dependant on a particular person it can be bad also.  So just depends on the level of it.  And with me I care too much about others amking decisions for me.  It would be nice to have friends or be dating someone who accepts me for once.  And me accept them which is yet another problem.  And yeah I agree basically ALMOST all friends will let you/me/anyone else down.  Not many "true" friends show up for anybody.  More the type who say they'll always be there and then they never are when you need them.  lol

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Are you still looking for some place to volunteer your time and talents, Midnight?  I still think this is a great way to get back into the world when you haven't worked for a while.  It's easy to start feeling like you don't have the skills to make friends any more when you lose practice opportunities like you get at work.  And a volunteer job can sometimes lead to a paying job.  I'm just sayin'...  ;)
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We seem to have the same problem here. What is the cause? I dont know. I woke up this morning thinking about my lost friends and then about leaving here. I have nothing to lose. And I cant see myself sitting around here isolated and on the PC for the rest of my life.

 

Many people are lonely. They are satisfied watching TV all day. Like my mom said yesterday: Someone is talking and there is something to look at. If I didnt have my TV I would go crazy. She has accepted her fate and life. I cant do that I am somewhat older, but I cant accept that as being all to life. In a way I admire her ability to do this. But I am too restless of a person.

 

Once I get off the Benzos its going to be even more so. All my feelings will come back, all my energy.

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For years and years and years I've sat around watching tv constantly and using the computer constantly.  I accepted it enough to keep from dying I guess.  But wow it's really caught up to me now!  Now it drives me NUTS to keep doing that day after day.  And yet I do.  I'm extremely sad right now.  I've gone my entire life without strong companionship.  After a while practically anyone would stop being able to stand it, I think.  Yet people who are married (thus they don't need to look for someone for companionship) will go on and on about how you don't need someone else and can be happy alone.  Funny it's always those who are NOT alone themselves who say it.

 

But anyway now I am losing a lot of confidence in myself.  I'm starting to feel like hey even if I did meet people I am never going to make friends or mroe with them because I am so emotionally messed up and never accepted.  If a guy doesn't have a job and look great then women give him zero chance.  Meanwhile a woman doesn't need one or to look good to get plenty dates.  It's like I have to change my whole self and life or not be accepted by anyone at all regardless of my personality.  I don't know how I can feel good anymore with so much loneliness.

 

Beeper, I haven't been looking extremely much.  I've once again changed my sleeping schedule and so I've felt like crap for several days trying to adjust.  I'm so confused what to do anymore.  Sometimes I get so far down that I wonder how I will handle anything whether a job or volunteering or going anywhere at all.  I felt great until a week or so ago.

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For years and years and years I've sat around watching tv constantly and using the computer constantly.  I accepted it enough to keep from dying I guess.  But wow it's really caught up to me now!  Now it drives me NUTS to keep doing that day after day.  And yet I do.  I'm extremely sad right now.  I've gone my entire life without strong companionship.  After a while practically anyone would stop being able to stand it, I think.  Yet people who are married (thus they don't need to look for someone for companionship) will go on and on about how you don't need someone else and can be happy alone.  Funny it's always those who are NOT alone themselves who say it.

 

But anyway now I am losing a lot of confidence in myself.  I'm starting to feel like hey even if I did meet people I am never going to make friends or mroe with them because I am so emotionally messed up and never accepted.  If a guy doesn't have a job and look great then women give him zero chance.  Meanwhile a woman doesn't need one or to look good to get plenty dates.  It's like I have to change my whole self and life or not be accepted by anyone at all regardless of my personality.  I don't know how I can feel good anymore with so much loneliness.

 

Beeper, I haven't been looking extremely much.  I've once again changed my sleeping schedule and so I've felt like crap for several days trying to adjust.  I'm so confused what to do anymore.  Sometimes I get so far down that I wonder how I will handle anything whether a job or volunteering or going anywhere at all.  I felt great until a week or so ago.

 

You'll feel good again, Midnight, at least physically.  The mental/emotional stuff is something you need to work on, though.  You can't keep doing the same thing (ie, nothing) and expecting something different to happen.  If you want a more fulfilling life, you are going to need to take some risks and do some things differently.  And when you are trying to get back in the flow of life, take baby steps until you regain your confidence.  One of the nice things about volunteering is you don't have to keep doing it if it doesn't meet your needs and it gets you focusing on something besides yourself for a while.  I used to always worry that people were judging me, how I looked and how I acted.  In fact, they hardly were giving me a thought but were wrapped up in their own dramas.  ;) 

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Now today I felt extremely great.  So weird how easily I can change.  I don't think it's benzo related.  I've just been that way a lot because I finally have something snap me out of feeling bad.  I guess this time it was exercise and visiting my parents and talking to some girl online... all got me back to normal.

 

Now need to somehow socialize more though.  I'm tempted to just be dumb and try to have sex with some random person.  I obviously get nowhere by looking for a relationship and not just sex..............

 

Anyway....

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Andddd still great.  But the absolute boreom is liekly why I soon go downhill again.  I am sitting here doing NOTHING and so frustrated to not be utilizing my gifts and good feelings to do something interesting.
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Andddd still great.  But the absolute boreom is liekly why I soon go downhill again.  I am sitting here doing NOTHING and so frustrated to not be utilizing my gifts and good feelings to do something interesting.

 

When I am bored, I go do something interesting. What is stopping you?

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Because nothing interests me.  Simple as that.  I ened to find new interests.  I still do things that are fun to some extent, but the same things as I've done for years.  I want to walk somewhere interesting where I look forward to going there.  But nothing draws me to it.
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Now today I felt extremely great.  So weird how easily I can change.  I don't think it's benzo related.  I've just been that way a lot because I finally have something snap me out of feeling bad.  I guess this time it was exercise and visiting my parents and talking to some girl online... all got me back to normal.

 

I can understand the cause for you feeling better. When I have contact with people I also do. I think you´re very lonely and in need of contact.

 

Elke

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Yeah.  Hopefully I'll soon do what it takes to socialize.  So many years of shyness and being happy inside eld to it being hard to change though.  Practically everything points to me joining the athletic club if nothing else.  Recreation, exercise, and HOPEFULLY would eventually be comfortable around people.  So that, volunteering, church, and job are pretty much all I can think of at the moment.

 

I honestly have the ability to be VERY happy and I think I am a likeable person who could give to others whether it be friendship or dating.  But somehow making it go from potential to action is what i need to figure out.

 

I honestly think all this crap is only making me better off in the long run.  Years of fighting it and being FORCED to change my thinking is going to have me very knowledgable and wiser in handling things.  Most people would think someone "wasted thie life" doing what I've done, but I wouldn't change the inactivity of the past.  Just as long as I do eventually have the wife and kids and all that then I will be happy and not wish I did something sooner really.

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