Why we choose to endure

Hello fellow sleep warriors.

 

This line from the novel (The First Girl Child) really hit me between the eyes: "We do not live so that we can endure. We endure so that someday we can...live."

 

I'm having a rather devastating flare up of CFS these past weeks, not wd, but only sleeping 6 or so hours per night is making the recovery difficult. I find myself, though, back in that wd mindset of just enduring, surviving, pushing through. Perhaps you find yourself living there too.

 

The quote has been reminding me that the purpose here is also to live so I've been considering what living I can be doing right now and what I am living for. What is your list like? Currently I get these little bursts of peace or joy when I see purple flowers, when I feel the coolness of the morning, when I crawl into freshly laundered sheets, while reading a good book, when I share a laugh with someone, or when in conversation there's that feeling that we get each other. Sometimes I pay such close attention to how horrible I feel that these bursts of life can fly right past me unnoticed.

 

I want to live so that I can hike during the fall colors and spring, I can one day see grandchildren, so I can read more good books, connect with others deeply, and be useful.

 

What are your reasons? What are your carrots for moving forward?

 

MT

Dear MTFan,

 

I would like to write in french, my main langage, so I could put words eloquantely and be whimsical with them...but I will express myself in "la langue de Shakespeare"...I have to check the orthographe on some words now...

 

I have a wonderful life waiting for me...I am a teacher and I am so inspired by my students...this is the third back to school I am missing...

 

Tomorrow I am suppose to go on a biking trip with friends...I am having a bad night again...But I will probably push and go....because it is worst for me to stop living and stay at home...please sleep come again...but, as you taught me, I will be ok, even if I don't sleep well...

 

MT...I am sending energy your way...hope you feel it...the power of connection is very powerful...you have helped me more than you know with your post to keep going...I am forever thankful...

 

We have a lot more to enjoy...this is just temporary!!!

I would like to see my skype friend in Australia one time before i die.

MT thanks for this thread.

 

I choose to endure mainly because I have a daughter and  even if this taper takes forever or even if I never come off, I'm going to give her a good life. This little pills might have ruined my life, we'll see, but not hers. I choose to endure because I don't lose hope that finally in spite of being 51 I could finally find true love after all, meaning a romantic love that is not based on drama and suffering. I choose to endure because even if today sucks who am I to say that perhaps who knows, in five years from now things could be awesome? I choose to endure because I'm not God and if I've been put in this situation there must be a reason for it or a lesson I need to learn. I choose to endure because I remember some very bad days I thought I couldn't make it but I did. I choose to endure because I think I am a very big soul and I refuse to allow such a small pill to destroy my whole existence.

I would like to see my skype friend in Australia one time before i die.

 

This is a beautiful reason to carry on Barbara.

Thank you valium nm...

What a lovely thread!

 

I choose to endure because of my daughter and granddaughter  (due in December) who I know will bring so much joy, love and healing into my life.  Once this process is over I truly believe life will be beautiful, I have had fleeting moments of joy and peace these last couple of months and choose to believe that is what awaits me after this ordeal.  After suffering for so long and so intensely I can't imagine feeling anything other than peace and gratitude when it finally ends.

Your reasons inspire me. Thank you for sharing them. I see that wanting to be with, help, or not harm those we love is a common thread. When I was at my absolute worst in wd I couldn't imagine anyone would *want* me, I was too much of a mess. But I could still believe that my death would be upsetting to others. Now that my thinking isn't as distorted I can take in more. Even if it's the *hope* of future relationships, future events, opening our awareness to these things is also softening some of the suffering and opening new neural pathways that aren't as fixated on pain/misery/wd/insomnia, etc.

 

Last night I got close to 8 hours sleep. It was pretty broken at the end but still this is a gift wrapped miracle for today. This has happened only a handful of times since 2013. So I'm thankful and hopeful for every bite, every taste of life that may come today and for all of you.

I just hope there’s some chance this will end so I can live a decent life again, so I carry on.

It will, JRM, it will. Hang onto that hope-even when it feels like a fiction. Some good advice I got early on was to not look at recovery in terms of days or weeks but rather in terms of seasons. From one season to the next it's easier to see progress and not get discouraged than it is when you look at days and weeks. That progress is real, just nuanced and slow.

Thanks for that, MT. Today has been a rough day for me. I thought I was making some good progress a week ago. I had 4 straight days with 4-5 hours of sleep, which is really good for me, but in the week since I’ve only been getting 3 to 4 hours a night, except for one night in which I did get over 4 hours. It’s starting to worry me.

jrm, I just replied to your PM on another thread. One about insomnia. Please know that I am not allowed to PM. Long story there, not worth talking about.

Insomnia is one of the most common withdrawal symptoms. That and anxiety/fear stuff. zI had them all. I did not sleep a wink for an entire year and I am NOT exaggerating. What I did get was micro sleeps. Moments when my brain would blank out. This is because our brains have a way of dealing with extreme lack of sleep so it will not kill us. This was discovered in vets who had been deliberatly kept from sleeping while in captivity. What finally did help me was so simple and easy to do. I started listening to sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube. It took about 2 months for this to help, but finally, at last, I fell asleep normally without reaching for a damn pill. These videos are completely harmless, they have hypnotic suggestions embedded in them, usually using simple "key words." One I listened to a lot u9sed the phrase "right now" as its hypnotic suggestion. Even now, if I feel anxious or afraid, I repeat to myself "right now" and I do calm down. Thank god I seldom need to do that now!

east

Hello fellow sleep warriors.

 

This line from the novel (The First Girl Child) really hit me between the eyes: "We do not live so that we can endure. We endure so that someday we can...live."

 

I'm having a rather devastating flare up of CFS these past weeks, not wd, but only sleeping 6 or so hours per night is making the recovery difficult. I find myself, though, back in that wd mindset of just enduring, surviving, pushing through. Perhaps you find yourself living there too.

 

The quote has been reminding me that the purpose here is also to live so I've been considering what living I can be doing right now and what I am living for. What is your list like? Currently I get these little bursts of peace or joy when I see purple flowers, when I feel the coolness of the morning, when I crawl into freshly laundered sheets, while reading a good book, when I share a laugh with someone, or when in conversation there's that feeling that we get each other. Sometimes I pay such close attention to how horrible I feel that these bursts of life can fly right past me unnoticed.

 

I want to live so that I can hike during the fall colors and spring, I can one day see grandchildren, so I can read more good books, connect with others deeply, and be useful.

 

What are your reasons? What are your carrots for moving forward?

 

MT

 

This is a little sad 4 me, You were my inspiration with this insomnia thing... I thought that you were doing better since I read your success history... can I ask you if you have insomnia pre Benzos?

Sending lot of good vibes to you, I really hope you fell better soon, Not been able sleep to sleep the last 5 months for more than 3 hours has been the worst experience of my life, so I would be sooooo happy with your 6 hours though 😪

I choose to live and move forward so I can write more books. I am an author and this awful w/d gave me writer's block. I have stories to tell that people (I am egotistical enough to believe this) need to read.

 

So that's my carrot.

 

Katz

 

 

Hello fellow sleep warriors.

 

This line from the novel (The First Girl Child) really hit me between the eyes: "We do not live so that we can endure. We endure so that someday we can...live."

 

I'm having a rather devastating flare up of CFS these past weeks, not wd, but only sleeping 6 or so hours per night is making the recovery difficult. I find myself, though, back in that wd mindset of just enduring, surviving, pushing through. Perhaps you find yourself living there too.

 

The quote has been reminding me that the purpose here is also to live so I've been considering what living I can be doing right now and what I am living for. What is your list like? Currently I get these little bursts of peace or joy when I see purple flowers, when I feel the coolness of the morning, when I crawl into freshly laundered sheets, while reading a good book, when I share a laugh with someone, or when in conversation there's that feeling that we get each other. Sometimes I pay such close attention to how horrible I feel that these bursts of life can fly right past me unnoticed.

 

I want to live so that I can hike during the fall colors and spring, I can one day see grandchildren, so I can read more good books, connect with others deeply, and be useful.

 

What are your reasons? What are your carrots for moving forward?

 

MT

 

This is a little sad 4 me, You were my inspiration with this insomnia thing... I thought that you were doing better since I read your success history... can I ask you if you have insomnia pre Benzos?

Sending lot of good vibes to you, I really hope you fell better soon, Not been able sleep to sleep the last 5 months for more than 3 hours has been the worst experience of my life, so I would be sooooo happy with your 6 hours though 😪

 

Luna, please don't worry. The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and insomnia were all prebenzos. My sleep may still be recovering a bit but part of CFS is a sleep disorder. When I have a bad flare up it just reminds me of what it was like earlier in wd. This won't be what happens to you. My life is still much better than before but summers with CFS are brutal. I get occasional 7 hour nights and even had one 8 hour night two nights ago so that was amazing.