How many of us are still working through all this?

I came off benzos a few times before with no major problems and of course kept working. This time however I discovered the joys of acute wd and what a monster this drug can be. I need to work through this. I crashed and became non functional so I updosed and I'm holding. I'd like to connect to people who are also working in spite of a difficult taper. I see most people aren't working and that makes me obsess thinking it's not doable. I suppose a snail taper is the answer when you're kindled like I am.

Hi V

I became very unstable and had to take a leave of absence from work for 3 months.  I held during that time and gradually, slowly became functional again.  I started back to work part time as I continued to hold and improve.  After 5 months part time I’m back to full time and slowly tapering now as I work.  You can totally work as you taper, it’s hard at times but with a little courage and acceptance a lot of folks do it.  I felt it was better to be busy and not feeling that good because it was a distraction.

 

Good luck, you’ll make it!

I'm working, but it's not been easy. I had to go on Remeron 7.5mg to get me through this slow, awful taper. I also have bad GI issues and I was so nauseated and dry heaving for 5 months daily and lost 54lbs. Remeron has helped me sleep and eat and has slowed down nausea and dry heaving a lot.  I have still not solved all my GI issues and tapering makes me nauseous as well. Slow, liquid taper has been the only way I've been able to do this. Im just barely under .25K, which is equivalent of 5V. I have many months to go. Going slow has been the ticket. I really don't feel any worse at .25K than I did at 5K, so I'm guessing I'm healing as I go. I can't take on really anything else besides work, taper, and dealing with my GI stuff. I'm hoping to be off next March, but I have to listen to my body.

Azbill thanks for sharing. This reassures me, as you always have a way of reassuring people. You have this gift. I crashed on June 14th. Thankfully a time of the year with less work for me. And then July and August very little work. Now September comes and all my students come back plus some new ones, but I'm feeling a bit stronger every day with the updose, the hold, the trazodone and the gabapentin. So with this big improvement and your great advice I feel more capable of facing my classes again.

 

Fighterk thank you for sharing. It means a lot to me because I'm freaking out reading how everyone seems to be at home on disability, or living on their spouse, or retired... I want to be one of them but I have no choice but work. I've seen many people with this bad nausea issue it's really hard. I was like that tapering Lexapro. Nausea takes all your energy. About tapering slow... After my crash and updose, I never want to go back into acute again if I can help it. I'm resuming my taper in a few months. Now I'm holding because I'm not stable at all. I'm in fear and depression most of the time and feel as if I was on acid. When I do stabilize I will resume the taper but I'll take two years to come off 2.5, like begood.

My advice to you, if it's possible, is to keep moving in taper. Don't let your CNS get too comfortable and risk getting into tolerance. If you can, keep moving, just go sooooo slowly. This will keep your nervous system "on its toes" where it will keep it going in repair mode. I dont cut fast at all. I cut .003mgK twice a week. It averages about to 5% a month of where I started my slow taper from .5k in January. I cut every Monday and Thursday, so my body gets a rest the other days of the week. I've rarely held. Even when things have been bad, they've never gotten worse by continuing to cut at this rate. If you liquid taper, you can cut as slow as you need, but it's good in many ways to keep going. Ive surprised myself with the ability to keep cutting. Sometimes if you keep going, but go slow, you can stay the same or even improve on the way down. These meds are weird and they just don't make any sense.

My advice to you, if it's possible, is to keep moving in taper. Don't let your CNS get too comfortable and risk getting into tolerance. If you can, keep moving, just go sooooo slowly. This will keep your nervous system "on its toes" where it will keep it going in repair mode. I dont cut fast at all. I cut .003mgK twice a week. It averages about to 5% a month of where I started my slow taper from .5k in January. I cut every Monday and Thursday, so my body gets a rest the other days of the week. I've rarely held. Even when things have been bad, they've never gotten worse by continuing to cut at this rate. If you liquid taper, you can cut as slow as you need, but it's good in many ways to keep going. Ive surprised myself with the ability to keep cutting. Sometimes if you keep going, but go slow, you can stay the same or even improve on the way down. These meds are weird and they just don't make any sense.

 

Thank you fighterk but I don't believe in this philosophy of pushing through. That's exactly what made me crash. When you have severe, I mean very severe symptoms, I believe you need to hold and give you CNS the chance to gain some stability before cutting again. Since my crash I've done a lot of research and that's my take. Everyone has a different take. Nothing is proven in one way or the other. I'm doing a long hold. Read "valeys propaganda" if you want to know the logic behind this.

My advice to you, if it's possible, is to keep moving in taper. Don't let your CNS get too comfortable and risk getting into tolerance. If you can, keep moving, just go sooooo slowly. This will keep your nervous system "on its toes" where it will keep it going in repair mode. I dont cut fast at all. I cut .003mgK twice a week. It averages about to 5% a month of where I started my slow taper from .5k in January. I cut every Monday and Thursday, so my body gets a rest the other days of the week. I've rarely held. Even when things have been bad, they've never gotten worse by continuing to cut at this rate. If you liquid taper, you can cut as slow as you need, but it's good in many ways to keep going. Ive surprised myself with the ability to keep cutting. Sometimes if you keep going, but go slow, you can stay the same or even improve on the way down. These meds are weird and they just don't make any sense.

 

 

 

Thank you fighterk but I don't believe in this philosophy of pushing through. That's exactly what made me crash. When you have severe, I mean very severe symptoms, I believe you need to hold and give you CNS the chance to gain some stability before cutting again. Since my crash I've done a lot of research and that's my take. Everyone has a different take. Nothing is proven in one way or the other. I'm doing a long hold. Read "valeys propaganda" if you want to know the logic behind this.

 

I have had to hold long and updosed significantly in September to get stable due to acute life stress. So I agree that long holds are valuable. I think everyone's journey is different. I do believe that trying to hold onto as much as possible a "normal" life is important during this process. Life is too short to not live it even while tapering.

NJ glad to see you over here too 

I have worked through previous failed tapers and am currently working, though it is becoming more and more difficult. I've had to have special accommodations, mostly due to the agoraphobia and social phobia that has developed (mostly I deal with people via email). It's not easy for sure and I count the days when I am eligible for retirement. I'm just hopeful that I don't have to do that. Right now I tell myself, today is like yesterday, you got through yesterday - you can get through today. It really is a day to day test of will that, so far, I have passed. I, too, have those same doubts, but I do believe in that mantra "you are always stronger than you know or believe."

 

Hang in there, fellow worker. Negotiate the withdrawal as best you can.

I have worked through previous failed tapers and am currently working, though it is becoming more and more difficult. I've had to have special accommodations, mostly due to the agoraphobia and social phobia that has developed (mostly I deal with people via email). It's not easy for sure and I count the days when I am eligible for retirement. I'm just hopeful that I don't have to do that. Right now I tell myself, today is like yesterday, you got through yesterday - you can get through today. It really is a day to day test of will that, so far, I have passed. I, too, have those same doubts, but I do believe in that mantra "you are always stronger than you know or believe."

 

Hang in there, fellow worker. Negotiate the withdrawal as best you can.

 

HI Benzo3, you've really come a long way from 38 Valium and in a short time!!! I'm sure you'll be able to juggle work and taper. I'd slow down but we're all different. I also feel at least three hours of sleep is enough to keep going. When I was sleeping 0 to 2 hours I knew that wasn't doable in the long run. Thanks for joining. I love to see stories I can relate to.

I have worked through previous failed tapers and am currently working, though it is becoming more and more difficult. I've had to have special accommodations, mostly due to the agoraphobia and social phobia that has developed (mostly I deal with people via email). It's not easy for sure and I count the days when I am eligible for retirement. I'm just hopeful that I don't have to do that. Right now I tell myself, today is like yesterday, you got through yesterday - you can get through today. It really is a day to day test of will that, so far, I have passed. I, too, have those same doubts, but I do believe in that mantra "you are always stronger than you know or believe."

 

Hang in there, fellow worker. Negotiate the withdrawal as best you can.

 

HI Benzo3, you've really come a long way from 38 Valium and in a short time!!! I'm sure you'll be able to juggle work and taper. I'd slow down but we're all different. I also feel at least three hours of sleep is enough to keep going. When I was sleeping 0 to 2 hours I knew that wasn't doable in the long run. Thanks for joining. I love to see stories I can relate to.

 

It's actually from an equivalent of 60 mg and it seems like approaching two years now. Like many, I've found the lower doses to be the most challenging. I had similar symptoms come on during my last failed taper at the exact same dose. I am mixed on kindling. I think there is strong correlation between benzos and alcohol, where is pretty well established, I think. However, having the same symptoms start at the same time in two subsequent tapers make me wonder. Tapers previous to that were also tough, but had added factors, speed and too high a jumping point. I do find that I have more physical symptoms this time. Then again, I've never tapered this low in equivalency and other jumps were to fast and too high, and I knew right away they were not sustainable with work - so I had to reinstate.

My advice to you, if it's possible, is to keep moving in taper. Don't let your CNS get too comfortable and risk getting into tolerance. If you can, keep moving, just go sooooo slowly. This will keep your nervous system "on its toes" where it will keep it going in repair mode. I dont cut fast at all. I cut .003mgK twice a week. It averages about to 5% a month of where I started my slow taper from .5k in January. I cut every Monday and Thursday, so my body gets a rest the other days of the week. I've rarely held. Even when things have been bad, they've never gotten worse by continuing to cut at this rate. If you liquid taper, you can cut as slow as you need, but it's good in many ways to keep going. Ive surprised myself with the ability to keep cutting. Sometimes if you keep going, but go slow, you can stay the same or even improve on the way down. These meds are weird and they just don't make any sense.

 

 

 

Thank you fighterk but I don't believe in this philosophy of pushing through. That's exactly what made me crash. When you have severe, I mean very severe symptoms, I believe you need to hold and give you CNS the chance to gain some stability before cutting again. Since my crash I've done a lot of research and that's my take. Everyone has a different take. Nothing is proven in one way or the other. I'm doing a long hold. Read "valeys propaganda" if you want to know the logic behind this.

 

I have had to hold long and updosed significantly in September to get stable due to acute life stress. So I agree that long holds are valuable. I think everyone's journey is different. I do believe that trying to hold onto as much as possible a "normal" life is important during this process. Life is too short to not live it even while tapering.

 

Nice to see you NJ! Yes,  ultimately everybody can and should do what works for them. For me, I was bad in the beginning and did improve some on the way down, so I always like to share that because my cuttting rate has been slow, and holding didn't help me. Cutting super small has been how I've been able to keep moving through this, but long holds DO work for many. I just can't stand feeling stuck in taper, and I've continued to cut at my rate, even on bad days, and the symptoms don't compound at this rate. All of us are climbing off, but yet our journeys are sooo different. None of our journeys are wrong because they will all eventually lead to the best place ever.... off this stuff. ❤

I have been working my entire taper and I can say it's been horrible. For 2 years I didn't  know if I would have a job or not depending on how I felt. I just keep pushing and here I am benzo free for almost 3 months and feeling better everyday. I still have tough mornings and gets better around 2 or so and then it's a piece of cake.  Everyone hang in there it'll get better.

I have been working my entire taper and I can say it's been horrible. For 2 years I didn't  know if I would have a job or not depending on how I felt. I just keep pushing and here I am benzo free for almost 3 months and feeling better everyday. I still have tough mornings and gets better around 2 or so and then it's a piece of cake.  Everyone hang in there it'll get better.

 

Caltn thank you for your encouraging words.

I have been working my entire taper and I can say it's been horrible. For 2 years I didn't  know if I would have a job or not depending on how I felt. I just keep pushing and here I am benzo free for almost 3 months and feeling better everyday. I still have tough mornings and gets better around 2 or so and then it's a piece of cake.  Everyone hang in there it'll get better.

 

Caltn thank you for your encouraging words.

 

Seconded. Thanks!

I've worked non-stop since I began tapering. 

 

Some days are rough, some have been unbelievably hellish, but I'm soldiering on at a job that requires me to work with the public daily in my job as a librarian in a huge public library in a major tourist area. We serve many homeless people as well as folks from across the economic spectrum.  My specialty is working with children here and also managing the staff.

 

I actually crave the distraction that working affords me and dread days off sometimes because all I feel like doing is lying in bed watching tv and reading.  Part of my wave symptoms feature a restlessness and boredom that I can't shake sometimes and being around other people, even if I don't want to engage with them, helps that feeling.  Being forced to have a solid routine has been a life saver for me and I cling to it like crazy.

 

There is a moderate amount of stress involved in my job but I've actually gotten a promotion since I started tapering and now my work load is more manageable because I can delegate more.

 

I'm tapering by liquid titration from 4milligrams of Xanax.  I started 13 months ago by dissolving the dose into 200 mil. of water then putting them into 2 containers and taking a 10 mil. liquid syringe every hour from 8 a.m to 7 p.m.  At eight every night I drink the last few doses and take two Zquil over the counter tablets.  Then I'm able to sleep, usually for 8 hours.  I used to sleep 12 to 14 hours but I feel grateful for every minute of sleep I get. 

 

Every month on the 15th I squirt out another 10 mls. of the dose into the drain.

 

Now I'm down to 7 mls. daily which is roughly 1 and 1/3 of a milligram daily.  I've been feeling days and days of windows lately with waves that hit hard for a few hours and then disappear for a while.  I feel so much better right now then I did when I started but realize these windows may come and go and I'm determined to keep tapering for the next 7 months until I'm off completely. NO MATTER WHAT.

 

I feel like work has saved me and these boards have been a major help.  I heard a doctor speak on World Benzo Day and she said, "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable."  When waves hit I try to remember not to resist them and that they are a sign of healing. 

 

This journey is different for every single person.  This slow taper has helped me and I learned how to do it from reading about it here and watching YouTube videos of how others have done it.  I am due to retire in three years and I wanted to be off all psychiatric drugs before I do.  I think I can do it and I'm well on my way!

 

 

 

Backtoreality it's nice to hear from someone who is making it right next to your retirement years so that you can enjoy you retirement full of these drugs and live your life of well deserved rest and enjoyment. I'm sure your slow taper is your best weapon. I went too fast (not knowing it was too fast for me), and this is what made my taper much more complicated (to put it very softly). Now I'm trying to pick up the pieces of that mess and resume a semi normal life.

Benzo 3, why did your previous tapers fail? Were you going too fast? And why did you reinstate at the high doses and not at lower doses? Just wondering. I've had to updose a lot to become functional again after a crash in June.

Benzo 3, why did your previous tapers fail? Were you going too fast? And why did you reinstate at the high doses and not at lower doses? Just wondering. I've had to updose a lot to become functional again after a crash in June.

 

Hi, VNM. The first taper was too fast and I had no sick leave to recover. The second taper was slow, but I didn't know where to jump from off of compounded K. Turns out it was too high. The third taper I thought was due to a total switch to liquid V at 10 mg, but it turns out that's just when most of my bad symptoms started showing up (as I've discovered on this taper). I should take that out of my signature. Sorry to tell you this .... maybe it's because I didn't hold long enough, but I had to reinstate to either the equivalent dose from which I started or a higher dose.

You guys are my heroes

Benzo 3, why did your previous tapers fail? Were you going too fast? And why did you reinstate at the high doses and not at lower doses? Just wondering. I've had to updose a lot to become functional again after a crash in June.

 

Hi, VNM. The first taper was too fast and I had no sick leave to recover. The second taper was slow, but I didn't know where to jump from off of compounded K. Turns out it was too high. The third taper I thought was due to a total switch to liquid V at 10 mg, but it turns out that's just when most of my bad symptoms started showing up (as I've discovered on this taper). I should take that out of my signature. Sorry to tell you this .... maybe it's because I didn't hold long enough, but I had to reinstate to either the equivalent dose from which I started or a higher dose.

 

Ugh, you mean you tried to updose to a lower dose than the starting dose but it didn't work and you had to reinstate up to the beginning or higher? I suppose you say you're sorry because it could be my case you mean? MMmmmm, I can't be sure of anything but I know that I was completely non functional in July and now I'm functioning, with a lot of anxiety but I can manage. It's also true that the updose has taken A LOT of time to have an effect, so if I had expected a more immediate result, I would have continued updosing. Thankfully the psych doctor and the buddies on the long hold group asked me not to every single day. In fact they wanted me to hold at 1 mg but I think I would still be seriously disabled. I'm glad of what I did and I'm also glad I didn't updose further. I do  think I'm getting better. Some days are much worse than others but if I look at my symptoms week by week, there is a gradual improvement so I hope it continues this pattern and that holding on 2.5 is enough, until I reach a place of stability from which to start tapering again. Please no warnings of tolerance, etc. I'm sick of hearing it. This is my bet and I'm going with it.

 

I'm so glad you didn't give up and you're attempting this third and hopefully definitive successful taper, and I hope we get to the end together in this thread of heroes.

 

PtsdMiracle thank you very much for dropping by and for the encouragement 

V--Don't worry about tolerance, kindling, etc. I know I was on the same dose of K forever and never reached tolerance. I have been on the same dose of K now for quite a while with no issues.

 

I finished my first week of my new work from home job and I am SO GRATEFUL to be working from home. I feel so much less anxious. This morning I did not feel well and it was so much better to be home with my constant trips to the bathroom than when this happened when I worked in the office (have had bad stomach issues throughout tapering and even sometimes still now--it is what it is).

I am working.  I believe if I can get enough sleep, I can handle the withdrawal symptoms.  I found a job where I don't have to start work until 9 or 10am so I can stay in bed longer.  I also only work in the office Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays.  Working from home the other 2 days really helps.  If possible, share your ordeal with your company.  Most companies will support their employees during health problems (any health problem).  I talked to my boss and we worked out this "helpful" work schedule.

V--Don't worry about tolerance, kindling, etc. I know I was on the same dose of K forever and never reached tolerance. I have been on the same dose of K now for quite a while with no issues.

 

I finished my first week of my new work from home job and I am SO GRATEFUL to be working from home. I feel so much less anxious. This morning I did not feel well and it was so much better to be home with my constant trips to the bathroom than when this happened when I worked in the office (have had bad stomach issues throughout tapering and even sometimes still now--it is what it is).

 

NJ strength you ALWAYS put my mind at ease. I should give you five dollars every time you post. Girl I'm so happy for your new job from home!! This is going to be great. Yes, having stomach problems, your own bathroom and privacy are a must, whenever possible. I work at home so no commuting, great. But I'm with students so not alone of course. They're coming back and now that I'm not stable but much better than I was, I enjoy teaching. However my throat is very tight, my voice is weak and it's sometimes difficult to speak a lot. This worries me. I don't know if it's withdrawal) I still have many symptoms from the crash in spite of the updose), or a side effect of the gabapentin. It could be either.

I am working.  I believe if I can get enough sleep, I can handle the withdrawal symptoms.  I found a job where I don't have to start work until 9 or 10am so I can stay in bed longer.  I also only work in the office Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays.  Working from home the other 2 days really helps.  If possible, share your ordeal with your company.  Most companies will support their employees during health problems (any health problem).  I talked to my boss and we worked out this "helpful" work schedule.

 

HI Bob 7, thanks for joining. I feel great that you people are joining so that we know we're not the only ones trying to work during all this. Yes sleep is everything. When I was sleeping 0-2 hours I realized that wasn't doable to sleep so little and then teach 4/5 classes. This year I'm trying to book no more than 4 classes in one day. I'll make less money but I have to be realistic. Bob I'm so glad your company is supportive throughout all this. My former company was a bank in Spain and they wouldn't have been supportive at all. I'm so glad I'm out of that prison camp.