The darkness has ended and the sun has finally risen!

Wow this was a ride. It’s hard for me to even think back to the start of this all because it’s so hazy and scary. 12 months of my life gone... but I’m glad those 12 months are in the past. This situation has altered my life beyond recognition. This is in my opinion my “new life”. I am here to tell my story as a short term Benzo survivor.

 

I had a child straight out of high school by the valedictorian of the school. I ended up in an abusive situation with him. He was mentally and emotionally abusive. I suffered from depression after giving birth. I was 18 with a child; when I was still a child myself. Thank Goodness I still live with my parents. I have no idea what I would have done without them. My sons dad left me without a rhyme or reason. I was devastated but looking back, it was the best thing to happen to me. I got into nursing and got a job as a nursing assistant at a hospital I was living the life of a young mother. Trying to make it for my child. I decided to start dating again in 2018 as a 21 year old and as a 21 year old with a child attending school and working full time I didn’t want to have more children so I started hormonal birth control. This was the beginning of all of it.

 

I had my birth control from 2016-2018. Over the past 2 years of having it, it made me gain 75 pounds and gave me manic like symptoms. It also gave me many yeast infections and I wasn’t even sexually active. Then the worse came about... panic attacks! I have never in my life have felt something so scary as a panic attack I was having them constantly for no reason! I wasn’t stressed. I had no bills besides a phone bill. I lived with my parents rent free and they watched my child while I was at work and school. I had no stress what so ever! It all came down to the birth control.

 

In July 2018 I demanded my OBGYN remove my birth control immediately! But she explained that she couldn’t remove it until the end of July. I was still having intense panic attacks so I went to my doctor and they gave me a script for about 30 days worth of Xanax the highest milligram. They told me to take it before work and after work. Here’s where the hell began.

 

The Xanax never calmed me down. It made me feel drunk in a bad way and even more anxious. It made me stumble, slur my words and confused and act out of character. I worked from 3pm to 11pm and would take a chunk of Xanax at 3pm and by the time it was 8pm I would become PARANOID and very panicky. The Xanax was paradoxical to me but I kept taking it anyway because it was told to! This went on for about 3 weeks and then I stopped taking the Xanax because it was turning me into a lunatic. The panic attacks were nothing compared to the way those Xanax made me feel. So I stopped taking them.... WORSE MISTAKE.

 

The first 2 days after me quitting the high dose Xanax cold turkey. I started getting very paranoid I thought my boss was installing cameras on me, I thought my coworkers were out to fire me, I thought the light company and the UPS company were trying to lock me up in prison. I thought I was being watched and followed. Then came the physical symptoms... I was throwing up, diarrhea, sweating, blood pressure out the roof, blurry vision, insomnia and INTENSE DEREALIZATION AND DEPERSONALIZATION and other stuff I can’t even remember. I thought I was dying. I freaked out at work and had to go home and I never returned.. I went to the mental hospital 2 different times and they all kept sending me home saying it was just anxiety... this was NOT ANXIETY (and they also kept giving me high doses of Xanax while there which was making me more sick). I searched up online what it could be and Xanax withdrawal was the first thing to pop up. I was so shocked... a pill did this to me?! they seriously gave me a pill that messed up my brain when they could have just taken the birth control out right away? I know panic attacks are terrible but they don’t compare to the mind numbing feeling those pills gives you before and after.

 

September 2018: the agoraphobia kicked in. I was scared to leave the house. Everything looked strange like I was drugged, I was shaking I thought everything and everyone was fake. doctor gave me effexor but I refused to take it because I developed a fear of medication.

 

October 2018-January 2019: I was room bound from the anxiety and depression and derealization. It was horrible I wanted to commit you know what...

 

February 2019- I was at my all time low I was going to actually go through with committing you know what. Until a found an at home therapist and counselor. They started me on seroquel for sleep and to calm down my racing thoughts and it worked amazing. Lamital for the depression and prozac for the anxiety. I had no choice but the take other medication because I wasn’t LIVING I was DYING. I have a child and I need to be there for him.

 

March 2019-June 2019

I started to feel better everyday. The derealization slowly went away and I starting taking care of myself finally. The medication was saving me

 

July 2019-Now (end of August 2019)

On my 22nd birthday at the end of June I took a walk around the block. Now I am able to get in the car, cook, clean and I and getting my Job back! I will be working part time on a post surgery floor! And returning to school! I’m able to be a normal HUMAN.

 

Some advice from me: I know medication is what got me into this but it also has gotten me out of this. I am slowly weening off with no side affects. Please don’t be anti medication... just don’t mindlessly take the medication. That was my downfall. I have done extensive research on my medication I’ve been prescribed and it has done nothing but helped me. 4 months ago I couldn’t even come downstairs but now I’m living normally like nothing happened. Working, shopping and nothing but pure love and life. My hair is growing back and I am stronger then I have ever been. I can finally fulfill my life/career dream as a nurse. I prayed everyday that I would be able to write this and it has finally became the day. I want to thank everyone out there for helping and telling me that it will go away. I didn’t believe it but does!!! Go back and read my posts! I was a MESS. Now I’m just a normal 22 year old living my best life! everything in life happens for a reason! You just have to fight for what you want and don’t give up. I will be stopping back still to see you all succeed and I will probably do an update post after I come off the rest of the medication! Hugs and kisses I love you all

 

-thanks for reading, love Sunshine ☀️

It's good you got better! Thanks for writing this. I'm done with the anti-medication standpoint. I'm starting a low dose of something this weekend.

Congratulations, mama!  I'm so glad the meds have helped you and that you can see the sunshine again.

Congratulations for your recovery you deserve it

So happy for you Sunshine! 

Congratulations to you!! You deserve all the good things life can bring you, you speak honestly about your situation and how you dealt with the fallout from benzos.

 

Good for you!!!

 

pianogirl 

Congratulations Sunshine! Good to hear those other meds worked for you. I am taking Seroquel prolong and Duloxetine and my psychiatrist wants to start me on Lamictal as well. I am a bit hesitant to add another medication while still tapering my benzo. Encouraging to see you recovered taking three similar meds.

Wow! You are such an inspiration.  Thank you. 

Can we get an update?