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Protracted healer


[Br...]

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healing heart, I also went through not knowing how to heat water or make a sandwich or anything that required memory and planning.  I have taken a lot of psych meds over the years, too, like you. I did fast tapers and essentially cold-turkeyed myself unknowingly. It has been a long slow slog to get improvement from my withdrawal symptoms but it has been more forthcoming this past year. You will improve, too.
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Thank you for coming back to share.  I thought I was healed, and then this last November I got the flu.  Old symptoms surfaced again.  Have been in a wave for the last month.  Trying to accept that I am continuing to heal, but very frustrated.  It means so much to me to read a success story from someone who has been there, like me.  I wish you continued health and lots of love in your life.  :smitten::-*
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I have had several personal messages and thought it would be best to reply here.  One of the questions I get is how did i make it through this when I was one of the worst cases on here or anywhere really.  Well I was determined to NEVER let big pharma win and I had a beautiful little boy that needed his momma... wven if i couldnt care for him or really engage at all..I knew he neded me and i had to get well for him.  I endured SEVERE toxic brain damage, 150 sx , pregnancy, lose of my entire life..spent 3 years in my home.. almost lost my husband as his family begged him to leave me and take our child.  I lost both of my parents to death and still fought HARD!!!  Was diagnosed with  C. and still fought.  I had my breast implants out and started healing pretty quick after.  I was poly drugged tortured and mislead by every doctor Ive ever come in contact with!  That is why I am now in grad school to be a nurse practitioner. I want to help those like me that were left to die with noone but a few select friends and my mom, until her death.  Total I am still left with electric surging in my head that comes and goes in intensity.  It is NOTHING like it was and I am able to live fully.  I had a set back last December after drinking a glass of wine .. I never believed this could happen until it happened to me... with a combo of that and removal of my last mercury filling.. I was set back pretty bad for 4 months.  Electric surging 10/10 chronic crawling out of my skin anxiety, shakes, chills, rat poison anguish ect. It resolved At the end of April and I am been better than I was before the set back... My words to anyone is... never ever take a single day for granted.  Dont trust doctors... they are not God... God bless you all!

 

Wow, you are studying to be an NP? That's amazing! Wishing you love, light and continued healing. <3

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  • 4 months later...

I wanted to come on here and give a yearly update. I am still very much healed . If you read my story you will know that I was the worst of the worst and MANY gave up on me. MANY did not think I would recover nor did I. I had SEVERE physical and mental symptoms from poly drugging and adverse reactions.  I held on for my little boy and tried desperately not to read any of the people on here stating they had not healed in 8 plus years. I knew I could not possibly live in the condition I was in for the rest of my life.  I now realize that those people whom stated to me that they had not healed never in fact had it as severely as I did, had been living their lives for the most part and had NO idea how bad it actually could be for them.  I am blessed to be alive, I am blessed to enjoy every single second of my little boy who is now 7. I am working full time as an infection control nurse in the middle of a pandemic. I watch all of my coworkers stressed to the max and I think.. wow.. this is a breeze compared to what I endured for YEARS.  Jan marked 7 years free from ALL drugs.  It took me 3.5 years to start healing. I was essentially in an protracted acute withdrawal for a very long time.  There are many factors that played into this, one being cold turkey while preg and delivering that little boy.  Another was my severity of a reaction to SSRIS while in wd from benzos and not realizing it until I found this group. I have been essentially healed for 3 years with a pretty severe set back after Covid 19 which lasted 3 months.  I know this was a set back because I had SEVERE electricity surging my brain again as well as burning over my body and the panic terror, rat poison ect ect all returned.  I have been free from all of that for a year now and living my best life.  I want you to know that if I can make it out anyone can.  Do not let " them" win. Fight for the life you deserve.  I am so grateful to the few people that stuck by my side till the end and still remain in contact today.  I would not of survived if they had not.  They were my only life line to believing I would have my life back.  Most will not suffer as severely as I did. Most will not have the circumstances that caused this to happen to me. However, I  can tell you that I feel like a BAD A ** for having survived a chemical torture chamber of hell.  Please hold on and know that I pray for each and every one of you.  You will see life so differently once you are on the other side.

Much love to you all

Traumatized80

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Thank you so much for coming back to share your updates. I remember you from years ago. I have a very similar story to you and had severe poly adverse reactions in 2016  while in a ct withdrawal back from 2015, then a huge setback back to square one from one amoxicillin antibiotic in 2018. Had a full blown floxing reaction to it. I’m still in bad shape with everything. I really needed to hear this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

I’m sorry covid set you back. Were you scared it might be a long term set back? I’m glad you bounced out of it.  Also are you living with the awareness that your cns is touchy as in do you avoid medicine, alcohol, Tylenol, etc? I’m so severely kindled that I just don’t know if a normal life will ever be waiting for me. I’m so happy for you though. What a relief that healing is really real even for those who get akathisia and the rest unbelievably bad. You give me ultimate hope.

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Amazing x enjoy ur hard fought for life. Thanku so much for writing this. It’s a shame we can’t go back to your older posts, I think I have seen a few but I know u had a very difficult time. Well done mumma x
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Waiting... I am unfortunately still sensative to some drugs and know that I will always be that way.  Nsaids such as Aleve or Advil are a HUGE no no for me. However, I can take Tylenol without any issues.  I have NOT tried any antibiotics in 7 years. I did however have 3 major surgeries involvling many different kinds of drugs. It was unavoidable and each of the surgeries did significantly delay my recovery..I realize that now.. but at the time I believed it was continuation of the living hell I was alteady enduring.  This was most likely because of the sedation and paralytics.  I must completely refrain from any and all alcoholic beverages.  I drank 2 glasses of red wine at Christmas of 2019 and was in an electrical burning storm with SEVERE anxiety  "rat poison" feeling for 3 weeks.  It was right back to acute like symptoms although thankfully not all 100 plus symptoms returned. I realized then and there that I have recovered and can live my best life as long as I do not add ANY chemically altering substances to my body.  I do however, take sone supplements such as a high dose vitamin D3 , modified citrus pectin , mushroom capsule ect.  I did NOT take a single thing until 2018.  I am now able to drink full octane coffee and really enjoy it once again! I NEVER thought I would be able to do that!!!!  My CNS was so damaged .. it was like someone dumped water on a huge live wire within my body.  The mental agony I endured cant fully be explained in the English language.  I know you desperately want children..I wanted more for sure but have decided against that now.  I chose to give birth with zero drugs. It did not help my situation one bit.  My situation was MUCH different as I was ct off a VERY high dose of benzos in the middle of severe acute withdrawal/adverse reactions ( that nearly made my heart explode) all while pregnant.  Again, most womt endure what I have and for that I think Jesus... but I want to be hope to those that do.  To answer your questions about the vaccines. The ffluvaccine is mandatory at my work but with a drs note I was able to permanently avoid it. As for TB test. I have had it many times without complications. Covid 19 vaccine is NOT mandatory and is under emergency use and can NOT be mandated until it is fully FDA approved and out of emergency use authorization.  I will be having my Functional Medicine MD wrote another letter stating I can not have this vaccine either.  I have been through enough.. survived covid.. held the hands of those dying of covid and will continue my journey without the vaccination.  Im actually an infection disease preventionist RN.  Its kinda an oxymoron that I refuse vaccinations.. but if you lived 1 day in what I have endured with NOOO help from a single MD except for my funcrional MD who wrote an extensive summary on my condition.. then you would NEVER consider trusting a MD or "science" again. I should be in heaven.. thats all Im gonna say. My life spared .  Will be praying for you. Believe!!!  Where the mind goes the body will follow!!
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Thank you so much for your reply. I too have been living like you and can’t touch any medicine at all or alcohol. That’s interesting that you’re good with Tylenol but not Advil. Im too scared to try either at this point. One pill is all a multi year reaction takes for me. But I plan to keep avoiding medicine after healing as well for the fear or reinjury or stirring things up again, but yes, do want at least one baby in my future if I recover. My plan is to wait as long as I can to give my cns the best chance. And congrats on your career as well! I have no idea if I’ll be going back into nursing myself if and when I recover. I doubt it considering how my views have changed on the medical community and big pharma.

 

But thank you so much for answering my questions. How did you find a doctor that believed you? I’ve had zero medical support this entire time.  The doctors  that did this to me left me for dead and wouldn’t believe it was severe adverse reactions to the drugs.

 

Your story is so important, and I’m so sorry for what you had to go through. I hope you life such a truly happy and peaceful life! You’ve  suffered enough for multiple lifetimes and now you’re free.. You give me so much hope. God bless.

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[1b...]

I am the same severity as you. You are right 90% of the people on this forum have no idea how severe it can really be. I see people saying they are 8 years off and there is absolutely no way they could survive with what I have for that long.

 

How long did it take for the mental intrusive thoughts etc to go? I deal with 24/7 racing and looping intrusive thoughts for 2.5 years now.

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JBreezy:  my intrusive invasive thoughts almost seemed as if something other than myself had control of my brain and body. I was simply a bystander watching it all. TALK ABOUT TERRIFYING. I now realize why someone who may be even slightly mentally unstable prior to taking or withdrawaling from these drugs wouldnt be able to handle ANY of this. Mine lasted about 2.5 to 3 years... every single bit of it is gone.  I have full charge of my brain and life.  Please hold on. Life is beautiful on the otherside of this!!
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[1b...]

JBreezy:  my intrusive invasive thoughts almost seemed as if something other than myself had control of my brain and body. I was simply a bystander watching it all. TALK ABOUT TERRIFYING. I now realize why someone who may be even slightly mentally unstable prior to taking or withdrawaling from these drugs wouldnt be able to handle ANY of this. Mine lasted about 2.5 to 3 years... every single bit of it is gone.  I have full charge of my brain and life.  Please hold on. Life is beautiful on the otherside of this!!

 

Thank you for responding. Yes, the mental is exactly that. No control and just watching it happen. Like stuck in an evil introspective meditative state.

 

I am still on another drug which I am halfway off now. I know real healing doesn't start until off everything. 

 

I had general anxiety before this but nothing close to what I am experiencing now.

 

I have no idea how you survived it. I'm ready to give up. Thanks for the encouragement.

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Thank you so much for your update!

Your success story has been and still is a lifeline to me. Im 30 months off and still with very debilitating sxs with no or very small improvements.

Im grateful for the hope that your story gives me.

Bless you  :smitten:

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I had all of the brain symptoms  you have  listen on your profile and MANY more. I have healed. I still  have occassional bouts of electricity  but it is VERY  manageable  and I am blessed to say all of the rest  is gone.  Please hold on. Mine was severe.. my brain burned like acid was dripped  on it... It took me a VERY  long time to recover.. but I am proof that even  the worst can heal!!
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[b5...]
I've read your success story lots of time. I have the brain sensations you had and am still healing from this horrific experience. Thanks for coming back on here and sharing your story it means alot & give us hope towards fully recovering one day. God bless🙏
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  • 2 weeks later...
Thank you so much for this.  I am 39 months off of Ambien and still experiencing severe symptoms including insomnia.  I have zero ability to handle any kind of stress and my husband lets me know almost daily what a burden I am to him.  I'm trying desperately to hold on for my daughter and my autistic son.  Right now, I don't see how I will ever be able to function again.  I don't come to the site often because it seems like most people heal within a year or two.  I really needed some hope so I went looking for protracted success stories.  Your story helps me hang on a little longer.
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  • 2 weeks later...
I’m still tapering but almost done probably by mid summer  2021.  In spring of 2017 I had my amalgams and breast implants removed. I remained ill. In the fall of 2019 I found out how toxic benzos are. I’m a bad case and home  bound. Needing so much hope. Did you ever get insomnia? I feel if I could sleep I would be doing so much better. I don’t have anxiety or aches but can not function and dealing with intense mental agony/anguish. I do all the coping skills but I think the fact  that be been like this off and on for close to 12 years is what makes it hard to see the finish line. Trying and pushing ever day. Please feel free to message me with any tips. Are you on Nicole’s page on FB? I’m so thankful to have implants out!
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Thank you for sharing. I to am a nurse and unable to work. I am about a month out and soo sick. I keep trying to be positive but its sooo hard.
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Thanks for updating , your story is very inspiring . I personally feel very happy to see you now work in such stressful condition with no sweat.  We can only come back stronger after this torture.
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NIKE it’s hard as a nurse to realize everything you did as a nurse or stood for was a lie. It’s hard to ever trust your own profession after enduring such unrecognized torture!!!  you will recover but you will never be blind folded again !!
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You may have already answered this, but at what point (how many years) did the burning sensations/chemical rushes in your brain get better?

 

I get surges of chemical rushes that feel like they are burning my brain several times throughout the day (sometimes are worse than others, like sometimes I get a break) and I am almost at 4 years out for comparisons sake. Can feel torturous.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Oh and BTW. There is a woman who co wrote the Ashton manual who does a podcast about bwnzo and drug damage recovery. She isn't on here but would love to interview you. Her name is Geraldine B. People need your story bc some are severe like you and have no hope.

 

I love Geraldine's Podcast! Highly recommend it for all benzo-injured, their families and/or friends who care about them.

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JBreezy:  my intrusive invasive thoughts almost seemed as if something other than myself had control of my brain and body. I was simply a bystander watching it all. TALK ABOUT TERRIFYING. I now realize why someone who may be even slightly mentally unstable prior to taking or withdrawaling from these drugs wouldnt be able to handle ANY of this. Mine lasted about 2.5 to 3 years... every single bit of it is gone.  I have full charge of my brain and life.  Please hold on. Life is beautiful on the otherside of this!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This describes exactly how I feel. I never experienced any mental symptoms or anxiety before stopping meds. Have literally tried everything to help without success. Did your intrusive thoughts  gradually ease of their own accord. I'm 29 months off, little improvement, but am getting rapid cycling symptoms recently. Been doing exposure therapy for over year made no difference. Just need bit hope it will eventually improve!!

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  • 3 weeks later...
Can I ask you what type of fillings did you have?  Did you have the common fillings that people have.  I have a few fillings from cavities since I was a child.  I wonder if this is what could be causing my fatigue depression and some anxiety.  I have had all these since about the age I got these fillings.  However due to benzo withdrawals all these are much worse.  The fatigue and depressionis the worse for me, I can't function hardly at all, I can only work once every 3 or 4 days.  I have been this way since about the time I started xanax back in 2015.  What helped your fatigue if any.
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