need a benzo, mind goes WAY TOO FAST

OK, I'm 2 days away from being a year off.  Everything's gotten better but I'm afraid it's me, not the medication.  When I was using Xanax, it would slow my mind down to what seems to be, the same speed as everyone else.  That's why it worked so well for me and I kept using it because it helped so much.

 

Now, my mind goes a mile a minute to the point that it creates a lot of problems for me in relationships with other people.  And I mean it affects my ability to communicate with and be understood by other people in a lot of situations many of which aren't at all stressful or critical.  People can't understand me because I'm spitting out what's at the top of my head.  I can't sort through what to say because I'm so overloaded with my own thoughts.  I can't slow them down to the same speed as other people.  When they try to ask me a question, I can't infer what they mean and the context of what they're asking so I can't respond effectively to the easiest of questions.  My true thoughts and intention get misinterpreted, misunderstood, and misconstrued and it creates a whole shit load of problems.

 

Xanax eliminated all of this, completely.  Exercise has calmed it down but it's not enough.  I'm not going to be able to function in society all that well because this is so present in everything I do.  It means I'll never live up to my potential, I'll be constantly frustrated because I can't adequately express myself and communicate with others.  I'll end up in jail or in a psych ward because it creates that level of difficulty sometimes.

 

And this has nothing to do with my intelligence or capacity to be able to do it, I just can't because I'm flooded.  I feel like I'm 10 steps ahead of anyone else in conversations.

 

Wtf am I to do?  What do we do? How do I live a life?  How do I get through this?  It's not even anxiety.  I guess it's panic but it happens with even the most mundane things.

 

I can relate when I hear other people say when they used a benzo for the first they felt like God had opened up the skies.  It certainly felt that way for me.  I could adequately understand other people and communicate with them and relate to them very well.  When I took the medication, it was like, "Oh, that's what you mean," and it was brilliant.  How do I get that back?? ?? ?? ?? ?

 

Please don't tell me something like, "If you take one again, it'll just make things worse in the long run."  I know very well the horrific consequences of me taking a benzo again.  I'm more interested in understanding if other people relate and what they do about it.

I think it still is from benzos.  My mind goes very fast now too.  I had such trouble doing therapy, and the therapist kept mentioning how my mind went too fast.  She thought it was something I always had, and always caused problems for me, but I realize now, that my mind went fast before benzos, and it WAS NOT A PROBLEM.  The thing is, your brain, and my brain, was slowed down very much while on benzos.  So now, off benzos, it's like our brains do not remember how to regulate themselves and it is going to take a while for them to find their sweet spot again.

I’ve always had this, it’s part of my adhd- just who I am. Way, way worse from withdrawal, also a year off. I think it will settle down.

I think it still is from benzos.  My mind goes very fast now too.  I had such trouble doing therapy, and the therapist kept mentioning how my mind went too fast.  She thought it was something I always had, and always caused problems for me, but I realize now, that my mind went fast before benzos, and it WAS NOT A PROBLEM.  The thing is, your brain, and my brain, was slowed down very much while on benzos.  So now, off benzos, it's like our brains do not remember how to regulate themselves and it is going to take a while for them to find their sweet spot again.

 

Yes you understand, GreenCup.  I think it may have always been a problem for me though.  (Not when I was younger younger, as a kid.)  Why the profound realization when I first started taking them and pretty much most of the time when I took them?  My mind wasn't as fast as it is now but it's always been kind of an issue, I think.  What makes you realize now that it wasn't a problem?  Why did you start and then keep taking them if it didn't help you in that regard?

 

I've made such great progress.  I keep thinking I'm better but I did drink while on the benzos and I think that doubly screwed me, if not worse.  I think I've made a lot of progress but compared to others on here, I think I'm doing really well and no one else really mentions they drank and I drank a lot.  Had to have been effectively doubling or tripling the dose of benzo in my system.  Maybe it's still the benzos but I don't know.

I’ve always had this, it’s part of my adhd- just who I am. Way, way worse from withdrawal, also a year off. I think it will settle down.

 

I hope you're right.  I can't afford much more of this financially, socially, professionally, romantically even.  It's just such a huge cost.

I have always had a speedy brain but before benzos this was something I could always use for me, as an advantage.

Under meds by brain was dead.

In withdrawal it exploded like yours does now, wayyyyy too fast, overwhelming, horrible.

Then it got better and it fired in waves but I got some relief for hours, then days.

This year, after 3 years I could finally ride the wild horse again and control it.

I think it needs time, and the only thing I personally could do is to do some relaxing techniques while the brain was speedy Gonzales.

Take it as a sign of healing

seltz,

What you described sounds like pure benzo wd to me. The super speedy, jacked up, frightened mind is classical for BWD.

 

Reading your post tells me you are ABOVE average intelligent. You seem to be similar to me, someone who tends to over-analyze stuff.

Benzo work on your fear center, making you feel more calm, and slows down your thinking a lot. This ends up being dangerous for us.

One year off is NOT that long a time in the World of Benzos. It took me three years to feel sort of normal and functional.

 

What you described sounds like mostly benzo wd to me. Please don't blame yourself for this! Once you are truly healed, this should fade away and you will be YOU again. That is how it worked for me, anyway. Once you heal from this stuff, things will get back to  more normal state. I do think you are "disaster-izing this, DUE to how benzo wd affects the brain. Right now you are worrying about things that really are only caused by benzo wd. One year off is not much in Benzo Land. You will continue to heal for however long it takes you. And when that does occur, you will be able to look back and understand WTF east was talking about.

I know you are scared. Most of us are. But much of that fear is being caused by bwd. This alone is hard to accept and deal with. Understanding how deeply benzos have affected you is truly a difficult thing to grasp.

Seltz, please have some faith in yourself. You weill get through this and you will heal and your mind WILL slow down and you WILL be able to be rational and thoughtful with other people.

east

None of this stuff is easy, Seltz.

While I consider myself almost healed; this is still an issue for me too.  At least now I recognize it and can say "slow down" where before I was spitting things out of my mouth as fast as the thoughts were entering my head with any sort of regulation.  I am still keeping my CNS calm in order to fully heal.

The thing is too, and this is really important, is that it's only around other people.  It's 100% socially triggered.  I don't ever work myself up when I'm alone and I function really well and think clearly when I'm alone.  Around people though, I cannot get on the same plane as them.

 

East, you cannot rule out other possibilities.  Tbh, I have been wondering WTF east has been talking about re some other topics on here.  It's not all benzo w/d and frankly that net is cast far too wide here on BB.  I was always a scared kid with a high level of sensitivity.  I got tripped up on my thoughts a lot.  I always felt things more intensely, was affected by social and romantic relationships very strongly.  There are reasons why I got on the medication too and this goes right to the heart of it.

 

Yeah, I'm scared with good reason.  Pretty close to a decade now my life has gotten progressively worse because of benzos.  The last 5 years were pure hell - alone, scared, sick, binging myself to death, anger and frustration boiling, resentments building, mental health deteriorating.  It was really fucked up and I kept going because of how warped my mind had gotten.

 

I've been having faith in this process for the last year and it's worked out mostly.  I am SO much healthier.  I have lost over 130 pounds from all that drinking and binge eating I used to do on the medication but I still have this and it's the most critical.  I can't build relationships with other people.  This is, in particular, very cruel and sad.  Relationships are what makes up a person's life.  Most people on here don't seem to have too much difficulty with this.  Not many mention social anxiety even.

 

3 years, marigold and east, is way too long.  It's not like I have much of a choice though bc I'm not going back on a benzo so I guess I'll forge ahead with dysfunctional relationships and hope the fallout doesn't mess things up for the rest of my life.  I'm gonna start posting more about it here because I don't know what else to do about it and have no one else to talk to about it anyway.

You say people don’t post about it....they may not specify “social anxiety”, but most people here actually describe it or similar in their own way. I have never been super socially anxious, but when I talk to people currently I get kind of dissociated and my facial pain/head pressure ramps up. It’s just stress and anxiety, but we’ve been through a lot with this shit and our nervous systems ARE still sensitive. There’s just no way around that. Part of it is just recovering from any protracted illness, we’ve been isolated during this process. But I think it’s worse because we are so sensitive.

For me, it has been improving with time, though mine is not just while other people are around, so definitely not just a social thing.  I have had terrible times trying to work out what should be a simple math problem.  I think four steps ahead and three behind and get confused as to where I was.  I definitely think my mind used to be super bright and great at math and problem solving, and now, I am still struggling.  I am so grateful though, that I will get a second chance at this.  I can't wait till my brain gets it all together again. 

You have to learn think again without  the drugs as stated Ashton  Manual Describe s your brain has been  sedated  for 18 years  Maybe you need  to count 10 before replay or don’t say nothing like I take care off it or I see what mean. Or just emails back-forth. Great job you lost 130 lbs you  have come long way.

this hit the nail on the head concerning my anxiety as well.

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The thing is too, and this is really important, is that it's only around other people.  It's 100% socially triggered.  I don't ever work myself up when I'm alone and I function really well and think clearly when I'm alone.  Around people though, I cannot get on the same plane as them.

You have to learn think again without  the drugs as stated Ashton  Manual Describe s your brain has been  sedated  for 18 years  Maybe you need  to count 10 before replay or don’t say nothing like I take care off it or I see what mean. Or just emails back-forth. Great job you lost 130 lbs you  have come long way.

 

Really nice post, and thank you for it!

east

You say people don’t post about it....they may not specify “social anxiety”, but most people here actually describe it or similar in their own way. I have never been super socially anxious, but when I talk to people currently I get kind of dissociated and my facial pain/head pressure ramps up. It’s just stress and anxiety, but we’ve been through a lot with this shit and our nervous systems ARE still sensitive. There’s just no way around that. Part of it is just recovering from any protracted illness, we’ve been isolated during this process. But I think it’s worse because we are so sensitive.

 

Do you get "foggy" type thoughts when that happens?  I get that too and if I fight it, it just makes it worse.  There's nothing really I can do except rest in a low stimulus environment and then it dissipates.

 

For me, it has been improving with time, though mine is not just while other people are around, so definitely not just a social thing.  I have had terrible times trying to work out what should be a simple math problem.  I think four steps ahead and three behind and get confused as to where I was.  I definitely think my mind used to be super bright and great at math and problem solving, and now, I am still struggling.  I am so grateful though, that I will get a second chance at this.  I can't wait till my brain gets it all together again. 

 

It seems like what you're referring to is poor cognition, no?  I get that too.  It gets like my head is tied in a knot and the only thing I can do is go lay down in a low-key environment and it lets up.  Or I can just switch to something else or go for a walk and it's not as bad but if I don't get a chance to reset my mind about it, it just gets worse.  If I keep trying, it hurts and I become more confused and start feeling like I'm losing my mind.  I can get that alone or around people.

 

But the racing thoughts and not being able to relate to others is different.  Physically I'm amped up a little bit too when it happens but don't have to be.  It's not full on panic, it's just ramped up thoughts and my words are not in sync with the other person or my own thoughts.

 

Those things could be connected but there is a definite social aspect to what I experience.  It's really bothersome and very sad for me.

You have to learn think again without  the drugs as stated Ashton  Manual Describe s your brain has been  sedated  for 18 years  Maybe you need  to count 10 before replay or don’t say nothing like I take care off it or I see what mean. Or just emails back-forth. Great job you lost 130 lbs you  have come long way.

 

Really nice post, and thank you for it!

east

 

Yes, thanks, blue.  Good advice.  I do try to slow myself down in those moments or just be quiet and not engage further.  Asynchronous conversation is always better for me.  I can say things clearly and control the communication but I feel like I'm at a huge risk of making things really unfavorable if I have to communicate in person for too long.  I need that skill.  It's critical to every potential good aspect of my life and something I really want.

I know you’ll make it seltzerer.

I talk a mile a minute too. Very fast. I once asked my pdoc why he just sat there and never said anything. He replied that’s because I talk enough for the two of us. But I recall in my 20s when I first started working that I did the same. I got into trouble because of this. I do hope it’s withdrawal but I suspect not. I guess I’ll just be a big mouth my entire life.

Hi seltzerer,

 

My mind races too. I tend to stare off into space and ruminate when this happens, sometimes leading to an intrusive thought loop. It's an anxiety symptom for me, and I think also an adjustment to no longer being sedated after so many years. I'm feeling much better on the whole, though I still struggle to moderate mood and cope with stress. If you're able to think clearly when you're alone and recognize the social trigger, I think that's a good sign! It means you can adjust with time and gentle exposure. Do you meditate at all? I've found that immensely helpful. I also plan my cannabis use to target the racing thoughts. When I found the right strain, it made a huge difference for me. Hang in there; we're getting better! It's all part of the process.

 

Gwinna

Hi seltzerer,

 

My mind races too. I tend to stare off into space and ruminate when this happens, sometimes leading to an intrusive thought loop. It's an anxiety symptom for me, and I think also an adjustment to no longer being sedated after so many years. I'm feeling much better on the whole, though I still struggle to moderate mood and cope with stress. If you're able to think clearly when you're alone and recognize the social trigger, I think that's a good sign! It means you can adjust with time and gentle exposure. Do you meditate at all? I've found that immensely helpful. I also plan my cannabis use to target the racing thoughts. When I found the right strain, it made a huge difference for me. Hang in there; we're getting better! It's all part of the process.

 

Gwinna

 

Racing thoughts and getting tied in a knot are kind of two different things.  If I start getting tied in a knot, I will blankly stare as well.  It literally hurts sometimes and it's hard to "un-clench".  I've wondered whether the pain is a headache but I don't think so.  I'm fearful when it happens because right then, I know I won't be able to complete what I'm doing or make a good connection with the other person and that person will likely get the wrong idea.  It's debilitating and I'm fearful of it and it's becoming it's own thing.  I just subscribed to Headspace and have been doing about 10 minutes a day.  Seems like it will help but I don't have a good enough practice going.  Cannabis makes me paranoid and potentially psychotic.  I've tried it many times and it's helped some but I don't even want to mess with that risk again.  I ended up in the ER one time because I thought what I was inhaling was laced with amphetamine.

 

I hope so.  Thanks for your encouragement, Gwinna.

Well... I thought I had made huge progress on this but today I got myself into this state again after talking to two people on separate matters.  Like I said, I was rambling my thoughts out loud in withdrawals and not in any real control of my thoughts so it was pretty ugly.  It took time for me to start interacting with people again and I was pretty sure I was over this... NOT.  The first encounter was at a high end shoe shop where I asked the owner if she had size 11 black, leather boots.  I did this because I was in a rush and I know that Size 11 is not usually carried (my daughter is 6 feet tall)... her response was this: She looked me up and down and said well maybe but before I check - you do know that they will be expensive.  LOST IT.  This woman had been to my wedding 20 years ago because she is good friends with my parents and as I could have just been like - OK - Thanks.  Instead I reminded her who I was and said that I think I could handle it as I own four (4) properties valuing well over 3 million dollars (True but did I really have to do there?).  I was SO pissed! I spit my words and highly regret my behavior.  SO I calmed down and later in the afternoon I went to Urgent Care (should not have left the house) and saw a PA there who I had seen six (6) months ago for the same thing... I have a cold-sore like infection on my chin near my mouth and even though I knew I needed oral antibiotics back then - I went with topical antibiotics after explaining that I was in Benzo withdrawal.  She agreed back then but today I went in with a massive flare-up (the topical stuff only keeps it calm for short periods and then the infection comes back) and the same PA said: No, I am not going to give you oral antibiotics for that due to your history.  MY history?! I was the one who told her that I could not have this back then and now I am much better so am able to take them,  I looked at her and ............... well - what I said was not nice.

 

Sorry to rant here but just another day in Benzo Hell where emotional regulation and thought pattern are out the window.  Going to stay  calm and away from people until I can better manage myself. 

Oh LeslieJ, I'm so sorry you had such a terrible day.  I totally know what you mean about just spitting out your thoughts. 

Happens to me too.  Social anxiety, ie. 

 

Benzo withdrawal seems to be the "great leveller" Leslie. 

 

I told volunteer at the op (thrift) shop that she was an elitist because she got pissed off by my 5 cent coin. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you both for the support.  Sorry to hijack your thread Seltz.

No worries, Leslie.  I can relate.  On Xanax, I could handle those situations without it escalating while still getting the other person to do what I was reasonably asking for.  It was easier to put the situation into perspective, understand where they're coming from, and let them know what I wanted out of it, all at the same time and walk away with a cool head.  Now, pointless dysfunction quickly develops and just makes it harder.  I can still see a solution, I just can't finesse the right outcome and I come off looking and feeling like an asshole most of the time.