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I’ll try and keep this as succinct as possible.

 

I realised I was getting withdrawals after a few months of regular diazepam use (sometimes up to 20mg per day, sometimes none).

 

At that point I was suffering severe depression and constantly thought of ending it. I was completely emotionally numb, which I had never had before, and I couldn’t even cry, which was distressing, as I’ve always been a cryer.  I have had depression on and off my whole adult life (diagnosed with type 2 bipolar), but my depression was always a sadness, not anhedonic. This all came about after some horrible personal stuff and medication changes, so I don’t attribute it to the diazepam.

 

My psychiatrist decided to stabilise me on 15mg diazepam to them start tapering and started me on mirtazapine. My taper was going well, and after about a month on the mirtazapine the depression lifted, and I started to feel my old self, laughing, joking, which was amazing as I truly felt I would never get better.

 

I felt really good for a week or two, then started to get intermittent anxiety. This wasn’t in relation to any circumstances, so I knew it was because I was getting lower in my taper (I didn’t really have any problems until a few weeks ago). Since then the anxiety has gotten worse. I just constantly feel fearful of nothing, just a feeling of fear, and like I’m going to have a panic attack all the time. Things that would not normally stress me or stress me mildly make me feel super stressed. And there is also no let up after the stressor has passed, like a sense of relief after it has passed. I also don’t like being around people like I normally do.

 

I spoke to my psychiatrist this morning, and although maybe I have tapered too fast (I went at a rate that was comfortable for me), I don’t think updosing or holding will help, as I can’t see that I will stabilise, so I feel the only way to keep going is to carry on tapering, albeit at a slower rate.

 

My psychiatrist says he finds most people he tapers don’t seem to have as much difficulty as I am having. He said he won’t sugar coat it, it may get worse as I get lower.

 

This really scares me, as if I am having such anxiety now, it’s only going to get worse the lower I go and when I get off. I feel like the fact I’m having these symptoms now indicates I am going to have a horrific withdrawal and suffer for years.

 

I am still currently working, but find it so hard to think straight and concentrate. I feel really dumb. Nothing seems to distract me either. The anxiety is constantly there, and I can’t get out of my own head.

 

Both my partner and psychiatrist say you never thought you would get out of your depression, and you did, and this will be the same. But I was able to take a medication to help with that, where as this there is nothing I can take to help.

 

I’m so scared that because I am already struggling and not even off them, things will get worse and worse and I will lose everything.

 

I just don’t know what to do and I don’t think I can live through years of this.

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I’ll try and keep this as succinct as possible.

 

I realised I was getting withdrawals after a few months of regular diazepam use (sometimes up to 20mg per day, sometimes none).

 

At that point I was suffering severe depression and constantly thought of ending it. I was completely emotionally numb, which I had never had before, and I couldn’t even cry, which was distressing, as I’ve always been a cryer.  I have had depression on and off my whole adult life (diagnosed with type 2 bipolar), but my depression was always a sadness, not anhedonic. This all came about after some horrible personal stuff and medication changes, so I don’t attribute it to the diazepam.

 

My psychiatrist decided to stabilise me on 15mg diazepam to them start tapering and started me on mirtazapine. My taper was going well, and after about a month on the mirtazapine the depression lifted, and I started to feel my old self, laughing, joking, which was amazing as I truly felt I would never get better.

 

I felt really good for a week or two, then started to get intermittent anxiety. This wasn’t in relation to any circumstances, so I knew it was because I was getting lower in my taper (I didn’t really have any problems until a few weeks ago). Since then the anxiety has gotten worse. I just constantly feel fearful of nothing, just a feeling of fear, and like I’m going to have a panic attack all the time. Things that would not normally stress me or stress me mildly make me feel super stressed. And there is also no let up after the stressor has passed, like a sense of relief after it has passed. I also don’t like being around people like I normally do.

 

I spoke to my psychiatrist this morning, and although maybe I have tapered too fast (I went at a rate that was comfortable for me), I don’t think updosing or holding will help, as I can’t see that I will stabilise, so I feel the only way to keep going is to carry on tapering, albeit at a slower rate.

 

My psychiatrist says he finds most people he tapers don’t seem to have as much difficulty as I am having. He said he won’t sugar coat it, it may get worse as I get lower.

 

This really scares me, as if I am having such anxiety now, it’s only going to get worse the lower I go and when I get off. I feel like the fact I’m having these symptoms now indicates I am going to have a horrific withdrawal and suffer for years.

 

I am still currently working, but find it so hard to think straight and concentrate. I feel really dumb. Nothing seems to distract me either. The anxiety is constantly there, and I can’t get out of my own head.

 

Both my partner and psychiatrist say you never thought you would get out of your depression, and you did, and this will be the same. But I was able to take a medication to help with that, where as this there is nothing I can take to help.

 

I’m so scared that because I am already struggling and not even off them, things will get worse and worse and I will lose everything.

 

I just don’t know what to do and I don’t think I can live through years of this.

 

I don't know what to say, as I have similar fears still facing 4.0 mg of V tapering and having had it be rough since 10 mg. I just look to the brave warriors that went before us and found their way out, some even working. I think we are always underestimating our strength and ability.

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I think you have great understanding of your situation, :thumbsup:  and agree that tapering at a slower rate is the best way to go.  It's what I would do.

 

I think you've got one thing wrong though, and that is that things will get progressively worse the lower you go.  This does not have to be the case.  Remember that withdrawal is non linear, so will (also) not linearly, nor necessarily, worsen with each step down that you take.  This is fear talking, not fact.

 

I had these exact fears.  I was afraid of everything.  Still am in many ways, but I'm learning to accept these fears the more more educated and familiar with withdrawal I become.  I became afraid of an elastic band once.    :idiot:  But I know I am not an  :idiot: 

 

Withdrawal plays incredible tricks on our brain.  Bizarre tricks.  Tricks I would have never have  thought possible had I not experienced it first hand, and up front personal.  We need  to outtrick the trickster I reckon. 

 

Render it impotent with acceptance, and a solid belief that it is withdrawal, not madness, nor the inevitability of further grief.  One of its greatest tricks is fear.  But we've got its number, or at least learning its number. 

 

I, and many others here, have felt and feel exactly as you do.  You are not alone. 

 

I would (maybe) hold for a little, and slow my taper just as you say.  Listen to your body, it (you) knows what it needs and can tolerate.  But above all, do not believe in the inevitability of a worsening. 

 

You are going to be ok.

 

Dee

:smitten:

 

 

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Hi Dee, thank you so much for your kind reply. I just feel disheartened as on another post Challis said that if I’m struggling with my taper it is probably and indicator that I will have a longer and more difficult withdrawal.

 

I also feel like a failure as Ashton states that people who weren’t long term, heavy users (which I wasn’t) can normally get off fairly quickly and easily. As this is not the case for me, it makes me think I have crappy genes and will end up seriously debilitated and never really heal and become non-functional.

 

I don’t really have many physical symptoms, mainly mental, but now I’m scared I’ll get worse.

 

Once again, thank you for your response x

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Don't think you are a loser!!!! Everyone's body reacts differently!  I am sorry things are getting worse for you! If at all possible, try to think as positively as you can, as your thouts could make you feel worse!!!! It was hard for me too, I felt hopeless!  But then I wanted off so badly I got mad, and now I am trying to take a "fighter" attitude and to try to look for tiny positive things all around me.  It is not easy and I do suffer from anxiety and depression, but I have to roll with whatever gets thrown at me during this taper!  Sending you some of my positive vibes!  Hang in there! ❤
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Hi blacklablady, thank you for your reply. It’s so hard not to be in my own head and feel so pessimistic about everything at the moment. I have had a crappy year on a personal level, and going through some stressful events as well, so I think a combination of everything is getting me down.

 

I really hope you are going well with your taper.

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I have done research on a lot of Supplements and even though I have not nor do I experience Depression, I read that NAC (N-Acetyl-L-Cysteine) helps depression.

 

  LOOK It up BEFORE you even try it and if you do try it.......do finger dips ...try tiny bits at a time to see how you'll react.  Never take anyone's word for you.  We are all so individual and so different in each of our bodies.  RESEARCH this stuff before you try it and read up on all it does. 

 

  Psychiatrists have been using it for years and years to help ppl with depression and even some mental diseases. 

 

  I LOVE IT, it is helping me.  I have no mental diseases except for Benzo taper, but it helps a lot.  Again, DO NOT GO BY WHAT I SAY........do the research first and foremost.  Make your own decision.

 

  Best Wishes to recover from depression, it's a terrible thing to have to live through.

 

  HUGS.

 

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Dee-awesome reply!!

 

Startofthejourney….here is a You Tube video I made talking about controlling your thoughts:

 

I might also suggest you watch some other mind body videos on you tube...and try some meditating and visualizations. I SO know exactly how you feel....the POSSIBILITIES are more than frightening-but they are ONLY possibilities...and I firmly believe by ruminating on them they tend to bring them closer to realities. Remember-this drug LIES to you and convinces you of stuff that in your "right mind" you would scoff at. Learning to distinguish between the "real" you and the benzo brain you is a good first step. When we are in the throes of misery, that's when the fear sets in...but it is NOT hopeless because far too many people make it off and are healed....a lot that went through horrendous CT's. Try some experimenting maybe in terms of holding or slowing your taper or even updosing a tad bit. Every body is different. Sometimes the only thing we have to cling to is time, patience and repeatedly telling yourself this is temporary and you WILL heal. For me-when I get too far into gloom and doom and start thinking about the best state to live in for homelessness I realize that regardless what happens, I will eventually be ok...I have made it through some pretty crappy stuff in life and have survived 100% of them. What I do now when a fearful though comes in, I immediately say "cancel!" and replace it with I WILL heal and life will be awesome soon! Training the brain :-)

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