Believing in Recovery

Hi there.

 

 

Seven years ago I had a breakdown while writing my thesis at graduate school. I was worried about not being able to finish in time, I was stressed, and I was having trouble sleeping. I went to a psychiatrist who immediately diagnosed me with ADHD (no test, she just looked at my writhing my hands) and put me on a cocktail of drugs (Ritalin, Zoloft, Rendormin and Rohypnol). I took the pills without questions. I was so embarrassed my the whole situation.

 

I quit the ADHD medication after a year or so. But I've been on anti-depressant drugs for most of the seven years and on benzos the entire time.

 

Since I started taking the drugs I've been having issues with my mental health. Feeling good, safe, relaxed, accomplished, appreciated, loved, has become more and ore rare. But I never thought that the benzos could be the reason I was feeling like this. They were pills helping me to sleep at night! They were the solution to the problem of insomnia that had caused me so much grief years earlier. That's how I thought.

 

Now after many years of hardship I have come to identify myself with a mentally unstable person. The thoughts "I was born like this" and "this will never end" have been internalized after years of not being able to trust my own mental health. My self-confidence is ruined. Basically, (and maybe taken a bit to the extreme) my view of life has changed from "life is something enjoyable, full of opportunities", to "life is something that I have to somehow make it through and endure".

 

I found a therapist who informed me about benzos. I have found a psychiatrist who will help me taper. I have read The Ashton Manual. I have read posts here. The knowledge that IT GETS BETTER IF YOU QUIT THE BENZOS is in my brain. But I feel like it hasn't been internalized yet. Honestly it's hard for me to believe. It's almost too good to believe.  The internalized knowledge that I was born like this is still lingering.

 

Do any of you recognize these feelings?

How do I start believing that I will feel better after quitting the benzos?

 

 

Thank you, whoever you are who read this.

 

 

This certainly resonates with me. It has taken me months to realize that I had been living with a faulty premise for many years. I hit a rough patch in life and was told I needed treatment for a “chemical imbalance”. In retrospect, I was in a great place then, as compared to what my life became after years of “treatment”. No one expects that a drug which had been prescribed for a specific condition could, in fact, make that condition much much worse. Which is why people believe what seems most logical. They think, and are usually told, that the illness is just progressing. Benzos sneak up on people. The damage accumulates very slowly over time, which makes this seem plausible. If Benzos had immediate negative side effects, perhaps we would have caught it in time. I don’t think this is usually the case. I was put on two psychiatric drugs when I should have been offered therapy. That is the best and safest way to address normal human responses to life’s challenges. When I excepted a diagnosis, I began to view myself as ill. That is laughable now, as Benzo Withdrawal has shown me what true illness feels like. Like many B.B. members, I found out by sheer accident that my “safe, therapeutic”dose of klonopin was destroying my. mental and physical health. I have. Spent

Sorry, that got cut off. Just saying that I have spent many months learning to think of myself differently. I am no longer willing to let someone else define me. You shouldn’t either. You deserve better. Fondly, Esperanza

I hit a rough patch in life and was told I needed treatment for a “chemical imbalance”. In retrospect, I was in a great place then, as compared to what my life became after years of “treatment”.

Yeah, pretty much the same for me. I was probably having a breakdown due to acute stress, and I should have taken a break. The "treatment" as you very well put it, has done so much damage.

 

I was put on two psychiatric drugs when I should have been offered therapy.

Exactly my thoughts!

 

What really makes beat myself up was that, deep down, I knew that taking "sleeping pills" wasn't "good for you". But I shrugged it off as the same as having a beer with dinner every day... I didn't know that those innocent little pills cause... well, pretty much... brain damage

 

I am no longer willing to let someone else define me. You shouldn’t either. You deserve better. Fondly, Esperanza

Thank you for the kind words. I'm afraid I'm my own worst enemy at the moment. Learning to not think about all the "what ifs" is hard.