Nearly 5 months off and struggling with ongoing fight!

Hello fellow troops

 

I so hate to moan and post negative stuff but my word this is hard!

 

There is just no let up in this fight I’m exhausted with it feeling worn down and struggling to keep positive. I stick to my routine pretty much, walking , choir, working a couple of sessions a week in a charity shop, part time college course , shopping but it’s draining when will this break! I have terrible mornings, morning nausea, gut issues, thick groggy head, blurry vision often, achy bones and muscles, anxiety, dread of the day, low mood, looping thoughts etc , the whole thing is getting me no where , I keep thinking stick to the routine it’ll help eventually BUT WHEN !

 

On a positive some WD symptoms have gone and some have got better but I still feel so crap. I started cbt a couple of weeks ago so will see how that goes.

 

Anyone out there feel this awful at 5 months ? Do my symptoms seem common?

 

I truly hope you are all doing ok and getting better days but I just can’t seem to get a break lately I seemed to be doing better months 3 to 4 now I feel like I’ve gone backwards .

 

I’m off this weekend for a 3 night break away with friends, it’ll be hard but I’ll go because I need to do things that are “normal “ in the hope my brain will start to feel some pleasure because at the moment I just feel unhappy, miserable and scared.

 

PO

Hi PO,

 

I am also 5 months off and just like you, although many symptoms have eased up, I have frequent waves that make me feel like crap. Right now I have gut issues, probably for eating something that I'm too sensitive with. I'm also having dizziness, head aches and tightness, body aches, burning skin etc. Which also scares me often if I ever will be able to eat normally again. Now I'm just paranoid about everything I put in my mouth. I'm living now in Asia and it doesn't make it any easier to find safe foods without msg and others bad for me.

 

I just had a two weeks trip back home and I started feeling horrible just before the trip worrying myself sick about everything possible and I was even close to cancel the whole trip. Thank God everything went well, the ten hour flight was ok and back home I had a relaxing break. Though just before returning back I started feeling worse again, but just like the first time after getting myself moving, symptoms eased up.

 

It's all really scary sometimes to me too, especially I have noticed the desperation in a midst of waves when the thoughts of neverending torture raise up. I guess we just have to force us sometimes to think more positive and look back what we've gone through. As much as I would like to have a schedule for this wd and expect it all getting better in certain time, I'm afraid to give myself bigger disappointment if it won't happen in that time frame. So I'm trying to go one day at the time, trying to maintain being as positive and optimistic as each day allows me. It's truly a hard road we're going through. All the best to your journey!

I'm 5 months off also and I'm feeling horrible. Most of my stuff is mental and just feeling like I am crazy. Tons of SI. I have physical symptoms too but they are nowhere near as bad as the mental. I am so glad you have friends and that you can travel and do things. That helps.

Warrior, I am like you. The psychological sxs are so brutal. Just seven weeks off myself. I am sending you my love, Esperanza

Hi PO,

 

I am also 5 months off and just like you, although many symptoms have eased up, I have frequent waves that make me feel like crap. Right now I have gut issues, probably for eating something that I'm too sensitive with. I'm also having dizziness, head aches and tightness, body akches, burning skin etc. Which also scares me often if I ever will be able to eat normally again. Now I'm just paranoid about everything I put in my mouth. I'm living now in Asia and it doesn't make it any easier to find safe foods without msg and others bad for me.

 

I just had a two weeks trip back home and I started feeling horrible just before the trip worrying myself sick about everything possible and I was even close to cancel the whole trip. Thank God everything went well, the ten hour flight was ok and back home I had a relaxing break. Though just before returning back I started feeling worse again, but just like the first time after getting myself moving, symptoms eased up.

 

It's all really scary sometimes to me too, especially I have noticed the desperation in a midst of waves when the thoughts of neverending torture raise up. I guess we just have to force us sometimes to think more positive and look back what we've gone through. As much as I would like to have a schedule for this wd and expect it all getting better in certain time, I'm afraid to give myself bigger disappointment if it won't happen in that time frame. So I'm trying to go one day at the time, trying to maintain being as positive and optimistic as each day allows me. It's truly a hard road we're going through. All the best to your journey!

 

Hello Sisu

 

Thanks for the post and by just reading it I can see you are having a bumpy ride too, it’s great that you managed the trip home and did find it relaxing, I’m not really finding much relaxation atm but hopefully it will come. I suppose because I had made a fair bit of progress in month 3 I just assumed , foolishly, that I’d carry on getting better when in fact some things have kind of morphed into other symptoms so some have gone only to be replaced by others! Very frustrating.

 

I really do have a very positive nature, well I used to lol, I do try to hit one negative thought off with a positive one I just feel worn out at the moment and pretty low but hey it’s awful for everyone I am not unique and shouldn’t feel sorry for myself just sorry for everyone caught up in this nightmare.

 

My stomach issues don’t seem to follow a pattern with what I eat, I keep my diet fairly limited and generally eat fresh each day, veg, fruit, meat , organic if we can get it all, my husband cooks thankfully, I just think the gut is so sensitive during this process .

 

I hope your symptoms dial down and you continue to heal.

 

Thanks again

 

PO

I'm 5 months off also and I'm feeling horrible. Most of my stuff is mental and just feeling like I am crazy. Tons of SI. I have physical symptoms too but they are nowhere near as bad as the mental. I am so glad you have friends and that you can travel and do things. That helps.

 

Hi

 

So sorry to hear your having a tough time too! I’m struggling with mental and physical atm but I feel the physical symptoms are bringing my mood down. The helpline I call have said even if we have had anxiety or depression before benzo’s the WD of these cause anxiety and depression anyway for some, it’s just so much damage caused by the benzo but things will improve over time, it’s a time thing and as frustrating and horrible as it this will all pass, just wish it would hurry up!

 

Nearly 5 months and I’m going backwards but hey I can do things I make myself do things even when I feel awful I couldn’t have done anything at the end of my taper and a couple of months in, so I keep plodding on. This will be my 2nd weekend away , hadn’t been away from my house for a long long time, it’s not fun but I’m told the more you try the easier it gets and if im this sick whilst I’m away I’ll just chill out in the hotel room and catch up with friends another day.

 

Keep fighting on.

 

PO

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much.

I'm 5 months off and wayyyy behind you in functionality. My severe agoraphobia, monophobia, cog fog, dr is preventing me from doing anything by myself. I can't even manage taking a shower on most days, let alone going out and doing stuf PT like you're doing. I hope this gets better, I must be a severe case.

I'm so sorry you're struggling so much.

I'm 5 months off and wayyyy behind you in functionality. My severe agoraphobia, monophobia, cog fog, dr is preventing me from doing anything by myself. I can't even manage taking a shower on most days, let alone going out and doing stuf PT like you're doing. I hope this gets better, I must be a severe case.

 

Hello

 

Oh I know how awful it is to be agoraphobic I had it so bad on diazepam and coming off , had it due to major breakdown I suppose, it’s a long process but you will get through it, believe it or not I started by just walking around my back garden , done this for ages then around my street with my husband then around a field near my house and slowly very slowly built it up, I used to wear a wholly hat and sun glasses to kind of hide I think! Silly I know but it helped. Then trips to the supermarket with hubby sometimes I couldn’t go in others I gripped the trolly that hard I had purple hands, I used to feel dizzy and couldn’t deal with the lights in the shop but I kept trying, I think of Tesco as my healing place now lol. Take your time push yourself in little bite size chunks , it takes time and a lot of attempts but it does get easier in the end, you can do it!

 

The other symptoms you mention are probably made worse because of the anxiety but these to will get better as your confidence gets better,

 

Also seen you have tapered off Remeron I have too just ver a year ago, wasn’t pleasant but nothing compared to this stuff time frame wise, I too was a lone traveller, busy business person, confident and full of sparkles but not now, sometimes I see a little bit of my old self pop out, just a glimpse so I know it’s still there, you’ll still be there too just waiting to blossom again, it’ll come 

 

PO

I'm 5.5 months off v and the mental symptoms much worse than the physical.  I can understand physical pain, but the mental takes me to places I do not understand. 

 

Yes, it has improved, but still I struggle.  Derealisation persists. 

 

Gives hope to know others are still struggling at 5-6 months. 

 

We will heal. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey you guys,

 

Better days are around the corner. M3-7 were by far the worst for me. I couldn’t believe I was getting worse! But from M8 I started to feel better. I was more positive and I could see the finish line. I’ve just started M12 and although M11 was a bit crap I still could ‘feel’ that I was moving ahead.

 

My experience was that when I felt ill I could not see a way out and remember what it was like to feel well. But now, when I’m ill I feel like I will come out of it and I do.

 

You may well look at me and say OMG I’ve got another 7 months and I’ll still be ill but let me tell you that when you get to this stage you will feel so positive about yourself and how you have grown. You will be strong and you will be able to deal with any issues way better than you have ever done.

 

G

 

Thank you so much Give Me Hope and Issey.  I seriously needed to read your words of hope today.

 

A day most terrible.  What is this thing! 

 

Dee 

 

 

I’m on my 9 th month off and I can say the mental weird you know what I’m talking about shit is finally 100% gone. I wrote my success story early to trick my mind. It seemed like my mental sx were the worst from months 2-7 and I was positive I would have some lingering mental sx but they are gone. So hang in there people it gets better for sure.

 

 

Hi issey

 

Thanks for the encouragement, I feel so sick and nauseous when I get wake up in the morning that it really brings my mood down so low, the nausea leaves but I can’t seem to shift the low mood and anxious feeling, I’ll keep your post in the front of my mind.

 

Hello G

 

As always you are very supportive and encouraging, I know you seemed to get worse before you got better so I’m clinging on to that, others have said the same. Mornings are by far the worst part of my day!

 

PO

Thank you everyone for your comments. It helps so much to know I'm not alone in where I am. Feeling like I am crazy is so terrifying. It's like my mind is having battles with my brain. In my mind, I know I am sound and oriented to person, place, time, etc. But my brain makes me feel as if I am not here, not alive, living some alternate reality that will never ever end. It's like my own, personal hell.

 

Thank you Give Me Hope and Issey. Those are the things we need to hear the most.

Thank you everyone for your comments. It helps so much to know I'm not alone in where I am. Feeling like I am crazy is so terrifying. It's like my mind is having battles with my brain. In my mind, I know I am sound and oriented to person, place, time, etc. But my brain makes me feel as if I am not here, not alive, living some alternate reality that will never ever end. It's like my own, personal hell.

 

Thank you Give Me Hope and Issey. Those are the things we need to hear the most.

 

I have fought those battles with my mind thousands of times and for every day for months. Yes it was hell no doubt . It just slowly fades away and you begin to notice it less and less . Hang tough is all you can do . Month 7 was the month of big change for me . I hope it is sooner for you.

Nearly 7 months off and feel awful. I was improving a bit but last couple weeks felt worse than at the beginning. It does appear you can get hit by 6 month wave but hopefully once that has eased better things are round the corner. 5 months does still seem quite early on, I was told by a help line that a year is average time for recovery. I know how you feel, my symptoms are purely mental, I think I could cope. Better if they were physical.

Isley and Givemehope- thank you for the reassurance!  It means so much to those of us still struggling- also to remember that healing is not linear. Even if we go through a good stretch-then get symptoms back it doesn’t mean we’re going backwards- it’s just another part of healing. Hard to accept that when ur in the throws - reminding us is invaluable-thank you!

Isley and Givemehope- thank you for the reassurance!  It means so much to those of us still struggling- also to remember that healing is not linear. Even if we go through a good stretch-then get symptoms back it doesn’t mean we’re going backwards- it’s just another part of healing. Hard to accept that when ur in the throws - reminding us is invaluable-thank you!

 

Menemsha,

 

You’ve got it in one!

 

It’s a bit like the stock market. Over time it goes up but it’s not without big dips every now and again.

 

The other thing to remember is that IT IS linear in this respect:you heal over time, so every day gone is one day closer to healing, even if it was the worst day ever.

 

It’s a sonofabitch not knowing when the tipping point will come and I’ve yet to reach the point where I am symptomless but I have reached the point where I can put it in a box and accept it and that is such a relief.

 

Good luck

 

G