7 months off Xanax Starting Mirt Taper

Hi,

    I've never really done the online forum thing but this forum has been such a huge help to me. My story is complicated and has a few layers. It started last June of 2018 when my wife and I lost our 9 year old daughter suddenly. I won't get into the details, I'll just share that it was a violent unexpected sudden loss witnessed by both my wife and I and it left us both with PTSD. In the aftermath lying on the emergency room floor in shock the hospital took my information and offered me something for the shock. I couldn't tell you the dose but it was Xanax. It worked and took me out of shock and I was able to stop shaking long enough to start making necessary phone calls. I was released with a 10 day prescription. I started taking it in the evening because the initial shock made it very hard to sleep. After the 10 days ran out my PCP continued the prescription. After about a month of taking it every night I was eating dinner one night and had a massive panic attack. We called an ambulance and they assured me I was okay. I took my dose of Xanax and was better within 20 minutes. I didn't know it at the time but this was my first sign of interdose withdrawal. It very slowly got worse and I didn't notice. Soon I started taking one in the morning too in order to avoid the panic attacks that i was now getting daily. My doctor was okay with it and we both though it was PTSD and that it would pass with time. It got worse. I refused to take more than two a day and then I started having constant anxiety. Then I noticed one day I wasn't getting hungry. Over the course of two months I went from mild loss of appetite to extreme nausea. I can't even describe the level of nausea. 24 hour a day teeth clenching nausea to my core. They tested me for everything imaginable. So I told the doctor it must be the xanax, I'd stop taking it. Instead of taking .5 mg twice a day (yeah that's all it took to do this to me) I cut them in half to .25 twice a day. As you can imagine things got even worse. I felt pretty close to death. As a last ditch effort my gastro prescribed me Cipro and Flagyl thinking maybe there was an infection they were missing. I refused to take the Cipro because of what I knew of fluroquinolones but agreed to take the Flagyl. Huge mistake! Within hours of the first dose I was done. I took three more doses hoping it would get better but had to stop. And I did not get better. I laid in bed for a week. I couldn't sleep or eat. I had lost 45 lbs in just two months. I was dying and no one knew why. I couldn't take anymore. I called my wife and told her I needed to go to the hospital. She said they already checked everything. At this point the ER was almost an every other day thing. I said no, I need someone to watch me. I had no history of mental illness. I had never had a suicidal though in my life. I had reached the bottom. I was ready to give up but knew I couldn't for my wife and son. So I checked myself into the psychiatric unit.

            After the first night they took me off Xanax completely and just switched me to Ativan just like that. This was so irresponsible of them. I was already so low I was suicididal. This amplified it by about 20 times. I couldn't believe the hell I was in. I just paced the halls of the hospital 24 hours a day. In retrospect I can't believe I didn't collapse from a heart attack. But it was a blessing in disguise because I had finally figured it out. They took me off the Xanax and the roof came off. It was Xanax withdrawal! Unfortunately they wouldn't let me out of the hospital without an antidepressant. Mirtazapine seemed to be helping me so I agreed to it. Once out of the hospital I used this forum as a resource and found out about Ashton. I was in a bad place and wasn't fully stabilizing on the Ativan. I read that some people in tolerance withdrawal have no choice but to taper off quickly. I knew this was me. I was already in hell on the meds so off was the only way. I tapered off an Ativan equivalent of Xanax over the course of 6 weeks in outpatient care. The remeron helped me through it. I slept 8 hours a night thought the days were pure hell. I took the last dose on New Year's Eve. So it's very easy for me to keep track of how long it's been. I made it back to work within days of being off of the Ativan completely. But it has not been easy. My first week back at work I couldn't walk more than 100 ft without taking a knee. I would get chest pains and my legs felt like Jello. I had a few setbacks where I had to take time off since then. I've had to leave work and go to the ER a few times. In March I got so weak at work I could't stand. That whole week it felt the I was being pulled to the floor, like I weighed a thousand lbs.

        It's over seven months now and I am in a minor wave today as I type this. A few times today I felt waves of heaviness and eye burning tiredness that were like 15 minutes long each and my appetite has been a little weird this week. But I am constantly improving.

        I sold my motorcycle in the midst of withdrawal because I couldn't work and needed the money. I thought I'd never get back to work and honestly was sure I would never ride again. I could barely walk. I have 4,000 miles on my new motorcycle that I bought only 2 months ago. I rode my bicycle seven miles on Monday. I was in so much pain afterwords I couldn't believe it. I used to be able to ride 20 miles a day with no fatigue at all. But I remind myself that compared to taking a knee after walking 100 ft I'm probably one of the luckier ones. It's been hell but it keeps getting better.

        So now I'm ready to start tapering mirtazapine. I'm hoping I'm one of the lucky ones but not expecting it, high hopes low expectations. Lol, not sure if that's good or not. The Xanax withdrawal had been pretty lonely. No one understands so I've had to suffer quietly.  I was hoping I could do this next taper with you guys.

        Also, it doesn't seem the doctors were ever going to figure out what was wrong with me. They all said it couldn't be the Xanax. I was only on 1 mg/day for 6 months. They said it was impossible and had me convinced that I was going crazy. The information on this forum truly saved me.

        That's the story so far. Of course there's much more but I don't know if anybody want to read that much. Anyway, thanks for listening and thanks for saving my life.

Hello Jack37,

Welcome to Benzo Buddies! My heart goes out to you, I'm so very sorry for your loss.  There really are no words that I can write that would be adequate.  I'm glad you did decide to join the forum as you start your taper from mirtazapine.

Everything you describe sounds exactly like tolerance. Yes, so many doctors don't see this, accept it or validate it. You tapered off very quickly, but you got off the drug that was making you ill. I felt the same way, I knew the drug was making me sick, but it took me a long time to find a doctor that agreed.

It looks like symptoms are easing up for you.  I'm a cyclist as well. I remember having to start very slowly when riding after my taper.  It took me a while to work up to the 20 miles that you were used to.  It may take a while for you as well.

Do you feel ready to taper the mirtazapine?  We do have a dedicated board called Other Medications.  You'll find several threads about this drug, also known as Remeron. I'm sure others will share with you their experience tapering this drug. I'll give you a link to that board.

Yes, benzo withdrawal can be pretty solitary.  Joining BB was good for me, I also had never participated in any online group.  Just knowing that others understood what I was going through was key for my recovery. 

We'll be here for you as you taper mirtazapine and continue to recover from benzo withdrawal.  I'll also include a link to the Ashton Manual. Although it discusses tapering in detail, it also gives good information about the withdrawal process in general. The manual was written by Dr. Heather Ashton, an expert in the field.

Let us know how we can help, please ask questions.

Other Medications   

The Ashton Manual

pianogirl 

Yes check out the message board on mirtazipine ( remeron)

It was a difficult drug to withdraw from, I did 10% every 2-4

Weeks, it’s the safest I found by trial and error.