Need Help - Desperate (Trigger Warning)

Hi Buddies,

 

I really don't know what to do anymore.  I know I am only 7 months out but the mental torture is just too much to handle.  My thoughts and inner dialogue are so loud in my head that it overpowers everything I do.  My mind is unable to distract for even a second.  My thoughts are all over the place and getting worse.  Everything I read/hear/watch on TV repeats over and over in my mind.  The looping negative thoughts I have no control over.  The constant suicidal thoughts and mental planning just take over my mind every single second.  My mind is never quiet not even for a second.  I have tried everything imaginable to distract.  I practice all the CBT tools and mindfulness I  have learned but it's only getting worse over time.

 

I also have this horrible terror sensation in my brain/mind which makes me feel like death is the only way out.

 

I'm not really sure why I am posting this because I know there is nothing you guys can do to help.

It is NOT the only way out for you.  No one has a blank mind - everyone thinks, even sometimes the same things over and over and racing thoughts as well.  It WILL get better for you.  You are physically in good health, and are sleeping.  It WILL GET BETTER but you have to quit putting pressure on yourself to make it better.  Try to practice acceptance that you are thinking this way, gratitude for what you do have.  The fact that you are SAFE and that it can/will get better.  I have been where you are now and it's hell but the hell I'm suffering now is indescribable and everything I thought was horrible then is nothing and I took ALL that for granted.  I wish I could go back and have a do-over.  I'm not minimizing you at all because I know how you feel for sure and certain as I was living that before I started taking K daily and before withdrawal.  Don't go back to taking benzos, thinking, "how much worse could it get?" , because it can.  And as I said, now I wish I could go back to where you are.  But do NOT end your beautiful life - even with looping ruminating thoughts, life CAN get better for you and it WILL in time, with patience!  Get outside yourself, go do some things for others if you can that will make them feel good, you feel good.  Think of the possibilities that await you in life - so many things that are possible. 

Following.

 

Korny, this is where I'm at, too.

 

Momof7 - your post is helping me.

 

I am so sorry for your suffering.

Thanks, Momof7babes.  I am trying my best to practice acceptance but with the constant hyperawareness OCD and non-stop racing thoughts it is impossible to distract.  Nothing exists outside of my thoughts.  I've thought about going back as everyone has at some point but since I am severely kindled that is not an option.  I just hope and pray that the everyone heals thing is true and all of this suffering is worth it.  It's hard to believe sometimes when you get worse and worse every month and see so many struggling years and years out.  I really appreciate the loving support and I'm sorry that you are going through this as well. I'm a big believer in karma so as horrible as this experience is I think it's setting us up for something better in the future. 

 

Wildflower33 - Sorry to hear you are suffering too =( I briefly read your post about the anger you are experiencing.  I am going through that as well.  I find myself cycling between all of the emotions.  I am snapping at my parents who have been completely amazing and supportive to me lately, as well as getting mad at my beautiful dog.  I become aware of my emotional response and start crying because I know this is not my personality.  I hope you see brighter days soon.

Thanks, Momof7babes.  I am trying my best to practice acceptance but with the constant hyperawareness OCD and non-stop racing thoughts it is impossible to distract.  Nothing exists outside of my thoughts.  I've thought about going back as everyone has at some point but since I am severely kindled that is not an option.  I just hope and pray that the everyone heals thing is true and all of this suffering is worth it.  It's hard to believe sometimes when you get worse and worse every month and see so many struggling years and years out.  I really appreciate the loving support and I'm sorry that you are going through this as well. I'm a big believer in karma so as horrible as this experience is I think it's setting us up for something better in the future. 

Wildflower33 - Sorry to hear you are suffering too =( I briefly read your post about the anger you are experiencing.  I am going through that as well.  I find myself cycling between all of the emotions.  I am snapping at my parents who have been completely amazing and supportive to me lately, as well as getting mad at my beautiful dog.  I become aware of my emotional response and start crying because I know this is not my personality.  I hope you see brighter days soon.

 

Korny, thank for your reply. I've had the annoyance with my cats, who I adore, and sometimes with people who really are so kind to me. It's awful. But like you, I still believe with my whole heart that we're headed for a beautiful place. In my dark days (which are pretty constant), I can't feel it at all, but I've caught brief glimpses. I'm holding onto that vision with you....

Pets are wonderful examples of pure love yell at them hit them with I don't do but they come right back to you they love you have no judgement about you They don't care if your beautiful not so beautiful all they want is to be loved and fed and taken care of I always thought that's why dog is god spelled backwards Animals are just wonderful Korny I wish You much Love and health in your struggle to be free of benzos

Nice post Kachina.

During my bad withdrawal I often got annoyed at my cats, but I never stopped loving them and never mistreated them. My cat Charlie had a way of getting to me. He was slightly overweight and craved food. When he wanted more food he would claw my sofa and he did this keeping his big eyes on me the whole time. It was a calculated behavior, designed to get him treats! But no matter, I loved him all the same.

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